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Reviews
Anastasia: Once Upon a Time (2020)
An insult to the Russian history
The story of Anastasia and her family you can argue is almost a Greek tragedy. In 1917, the February Revolution happened and Tsar Nicholas II, Anastasia's father was forced to abdicate. The Romanov family were taken to Ipatiev House in Siberia where they were murdered by the Bolsheviks in 1918.
This film is so horrid and tasteless. Most of the acting is horrible, especially the actors playing Lenin and Rasputin . The whole time portal thing to 1988 feels like a ripoff of Enchanted if anything.
The movie turns a dark, bloody historical story and revises it into a sweet, saccharine family film about friendship, which is fine but is so ham fisted over here. Therefore, it leaves out all f the important events that took place in the actual story in favor of a
generic kids film.
All the characters are inaccurate to their real life counterparts. Anastasia was not the heir to the throne, it was her brother Alexei. The Tsar isn't even supposed to be with his family at this time. He is supposed to be commanding the troops at the Eastern Front. Rasputin's portrayal is just so horrible. He wasn't some sort of magician, but a monk who claimed to be a holy man who healed people. The Tsar called him to the palace because Alexei had hemophilia and Rasputin healed him whenever he started bleeding. Rasputin isn't even supposed to be alive. He was assassinated by some Russian nobles in 1916. Lenin didn't play a part in the February Revolution and was in Switzerland at the time, he did play a part in the October Revolution.
On the other hand, the costumes and special effects are some of the cheapest I have seen, especially for the time portal.
Overall, it is one of the worst movies I have seen.
Pinocchio (2022)
One of the worst live action remakes
I honestly am someone who doesn't like Disney's live-action remakes because I feel like they are a downgrade to their animated counterparts as a whole. The original Pinocchio to me is one of Disney's most beautiful and heartwarming films but the live-action remake is anything but.
The story for the most part is shot for shot remake of the original's in which Pinocchio goes on a lot of adventures and learns important valuable lessons from these on his quest to become a real boy. However, it lacks all the things that made the original scenes so well remembered. Like the scene where Pinocchio gets stuck in the cage and his nose grows, instead of it being a lesson to Pinocchio on lying, Pinocchio instead uses his long nose to get the key and free himself. Doesn't this send a mixed message on lying to kids? There is also the Pleasure Island sequence, which lacks all the darkness it had in the original. Instead of the kids being served beers and smoking cigars, they all get root beer and eat enormous amounts of candy, which just ruins the entire scene for me and makes Lampwick's transformation into a donkey less scary and impactful.
The characters themselves are less memorable than they are in the original. Pinocchio himself just follows anyone that he talks to and lacks agency For example, instead of following Honest John to Stromboli and ignoring Jiminy Cricket, he instead follows Jiminy goes to school and then is kicked out for being a puppet, giving him a justifiable reason to follow Honest John. Jiminy is no better as he is just a conscience who could do no wrong and sometimes comes across as condescending and rude. Villains like Stromboli and the Coachman are obviously downgraded from their original versions, whilst some characters like The Blue Fairy and Honest John are criminally underused with both appearing in just one scene.
Overall, this movie made me extremely angry and upset. I recommend you go back and watch the original instead of this soulless cash grab. Zemeckis has really fallen from his glory days.
Lightyear (2022)
One of the weakest movies Pixar has made
I was really looking forward to this movie. I liked the actors (i.e. Chris Evans and Taika Waititi) and both the teaser and official trailer for this movie and was having very high hopes for it.
However, to me it felt very underwhelming. It felt like a space movie Pixar wanted to do and then they slapped Buzz's name at the front of it for name recognition. The characters (except Sox) are a bit bland, including Buzz himself.
The writing may be the weakest aspect of the film. Whilst Chris Evans does an OK job as Buzz, he isn't as memorable as Tim Allen. It seems like the writer's didn't know where to take Buzz in this film and it lacks any fantastical elements of a space movie being very human centric. It feels more like a blander, kiddie version of Interstellar. Zurg's origins are completely messed up to the point where he isn't an alien anymore, hence retconning the Toy Story movies.
Overall, a pretty weak, below average movie for a studio like Pixar. Hope their next movie is much better. Not something to waste almost two hours of your time for.
Santa Inc. (2021)
An Abomination
What can I talk about that everyone has said about this show already?
The writing is completely horrible and mostly contains rancid jokes and characters butting heads with each other. It is trying to be 'edgy' by showing us Christmas characters swearing and doing inappropriate stuff. The writers think that they are doing us the audience a favour but these kind of 'jokes' have been outdated for a decade now.
All the characters are completely unlikable, especially our main protagonist Candy Smalls who is just a toxic person overall and blames men for all of her problems. The other characters are so mean and bad that they make Morden Peter Griffin look like a saint in comparison.
And then there is Santa. Santa is supposed to be the bad guy who opposes Candy becoming Santa because she is a Jewish female elf. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Santa didn't wan Candy to become his successor because he knew that she wasn't good with the children, the most important aspect in becoming Santa Claus. So that is why he decided to not choose her. Our supposed antagonist seems to be the only character with a bit of likability.
I don't want to go through the controversy that this show was involved in before it's release but this is truly one of the worst shows of all time. Great HBO, you've made an animated show worse than The Prince.
Metropolis (1927)
A Great Story set in 2026
This movie is truly beautiful. I wonder how astonished audiences were of the special effects and the sheer scale of all of it back in 1927. But this movie's biggest strength is its story and characters. The story is a simple story with complex themes like class struggle and futurism. Our main characters, Freder and Maria are really likeable. Rotwang is a mad scientist who has a hateful, yet complex relationship with Joh, Freder's father who also happens to be the mastermind of the city. And let's not forget about the Machine Man, who takes Maria's likeness to seduce the workers to incite a revolution.
The Kid (1921)
One of the best films of the silent era
This film is truly beautiful from the characters to the story to the score. Sure it may not be as loved as some of Chaplin's later films are and the story may be a bit too simple, but it is still close to them and the highlight would have to be the relationship between the Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) and the Kid (Jackie Coogan). Note: this was the first full length movie Chaplin directed.
The Fairly Oddparents: Fairly Odder (2022)
One of the worst reboots ever. Nick still crapping on legacy on one of their most popular shows.
I can't believe that someone actually thought that doing a live action reboot of a cartoon that was extremely butchered so badly in its last two seasons was a good idea.
The production value is I think the worst that I have seen for a Nickcom and that is saying a lot considering Nickelodeon we're already being cheap with their live action sitcoms. Poor costumes, same like five sets used, every episode with stock footage and some of the worst effects I have ever seen in a mainstream kids show.
The new characters are all flat one dimensional discount versions of their original animated counterparts. Xena's basically Tootie because she is obsessed with Roy. There is a kid that shares the same name as Rémy Buxaplenty in the original that does nothing on the show. Our two main characters, Viv and Roy are both so bland and forgettable.
Same for the existing characters in fact they have been butchered beyond all belief. Cosmo and Wanda basically do nothing but grant wishes in the series and they both have the same low IQ. Vicky is completely different from her original version, exclude the fact that she hates children. She is somewhat obsessed with catching fairies now and has a crush on Crocker, a character that was supposed to be unattractive in the original, which is really just creepy.
The animation probably looks like it is from an NFT like the Red Ape Family. Like it makes the animation from those awful live action movies from the early 2010s look like Fantasia in comparison, especially that last scene with Crocker in prison.
Overall, an atrocity to TV and even Morden Nickelodeon as a whole.
Everything's Gonna Be All White (2022)
Worst Documentary I have ever seen
This is such a horrible biased documentary with people thinking that they are doing the right thing by calling out white people.
I myself am black and I felt extremely disgusted by this excuse for a docuseries. The show thinks that it will educate people about racial injustice and help society to overcome racism by talking crap about white people and labelling all white people as the same.
This isn't going to help society, it is going to divide it even more than it is right now. We are still living in an increasingly divided society in which we are split down the middle. Political extremism has been rising and people seem to not like others because of their political views. Yet, these so called 'experts' are putting all the blame on a certain group of people, that many would certainly be angered by.
Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005)
Greatest animated series from start to finish
I love The Last Airbender, even with the God awful movie. Some of the characters are my favourite of all time like Aang, Katara and Zuko. The stories are always so engaging, especially in the third season. The fight scenes, especially the final showdown between Aang and the fire lord never gets old. An amazing series for all ages.
Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go (2021)
A huge middle finger to Rev. Awdry
I could not imagine the day that Thomas officially went down the toilet would be the day that a stupid 2D reboot would come into existence.
THIS SHOULDN'T EXIST!!! Most of the characters like Thomas, Percy and Sir Topham Hatt act nothing like they were in the original series and unfortunately many great characters like James, Emily and Henry have been relegated to a few small cameos.
What is the logic of this universe? There are big adult trains like Gordon and James but little 'baby' engines like Thomas, Percy and Nia.
The original show prided itself in its on its realism and showing us how trains work, which made me fascinated in trains and contributed to my appreciation for them. This show completely throws that off the window in favour of Looney Tunes esque cartoony movements, which just makes Thomas a complete rip off of Chugginton, which I always dreaded.
This show is truly a disgrace to the original books and show.
Horrible Histories: The Movie - Rotten Romans (2019)
A really horrid movie
I was really looking forward to this movie. Sure the original cast were not there, they were actually working on a new series. But, I liked that there was a lot of British comedy favourites and was set in one of my favourite periods in history, The Roman Empire so I thought that this would be a homage to movies like Spartacus and Life of Brian
However, I was bitterly disappointed with the movie. The movie's characters were extremely generic. Nero, who is supposed to be our main antagonist is our 'Mummy's boy who wants to get rid of his mother'. Atti and Orla, our two main protagonists are your run-on-the-mill teenagers who meet by chance, fight a bit and then become friends. Arghus, while I like him Is your clichéd over protective father.
There were some actors that were completely wasted. Aggrapina and Boudicca, two great female figures in history had a lot of potential, but where completely wasted. Some actors like Derek Jacobi and Warwick Davis are in one scene each, which felt disheartening, especially the former who died almost immediately.
The 'humour' in this movie is a complete disaster. It's mostly toilet and fart jokes and yes there was a scene where a real horse urinates on the floor, which is just gross. Is this humorous BBC?
The production values look like it where made for CBBC not for the big screen, like Life of Brian was. Majority of the movie is set in the woods and overall it just feels cheap.
But the worst part of the movie has to be the songs. Boudicca's song is literally shouting and screaming and wastes the talent of Kate Nash. Nero's song is just so tedious and the lyrics don't make sense. But, the rap battle between the Celts and Romans. Was the worst song as it was just trying to be a rip off of Epic Rap Battles of History
Overall an insult to the original show. If you want to see a true Horrible Histories go watch Bill with the original cast.
The Prince (2021)
Just INSULTING
Not matter to if they are famous or not, it is absolutely deplorable that actual children who lack agency are being parodied. Away from that, this is one of the most generic adult animated shows you could find. The 'characters' if you liked to call them are extremely different from what they are in real life. The meaness that the Queen supposedly has in this series or the fart and vomit jokes with Camilla are just degrading.
It just trying to be a British version of Family Guy, but made by Americans? Shame on everyone who worked on this horrific show. If you want to watch a good parody on the royals, please watch Spitting Image not the 2020 reboot, the original 1984 version.
Cool Cat Fights Coronavirus (2021)
Absolutely horrible
This isn't a coronavirus PSA that would help you prevent the coronavirus, its a coronavirus PSA that will help you get the virus. The writing is absolutely nonsensical and horrendous. The acting is even worse than it was in the other three films, mainly due to Daddy Derek's completely artrocius 'acting' of Cool Cat. The rap song in this, I should say is even worse than it was in the other two films because its just try to convince us how Cool Cat is so 'great' and how he 'stops' the bullies out there.
The scene where Cool Cat and the girls are teasing Dirty Dog is even worse than Maria teasing Butch in the last film making Cool Cat out to be a huge hypocrite cause he said bullying is wrong and teasing is a type of bullying. The climax with the giant coronavirus ball of death single handedly getting punched by Cool Cat, not only contradicts the original movie where Cool Cat says that it isn't ok to punch something to solve your problems but it's just stupid and dumb.
Worse than the last wo. Could have given it ZERO stars. Wouldn't want to recommend to you enough.
Kim Possible (2019)
Insulting
I can't believe I watched THIS. THIS IS THE WORST DISNEY CHANNEK MOVIE I'VE SEEN AND OH BOY HAVE I SEEN A LOT. It is complete downgrade to the original series. They've completely ruined our trio. Kim is a total crybaby who happens to be a Mary Sue, Ron has been dumbed down and Rufus... Oh God don't get me started with the CGI they used for him.
Cool Cat Saves the Kids (2015)
The Coolest Film ever
I was bullied a lot when I was younger and now after seeing this movie, I have learnt so much about standing up to bullies. Cool Cat is the greatest character ever made better than Mickey Mouse or Bugs Bunny. He has taught me that the bullies I had never actually had friends, despite them always being in packs. He says that if the bully gets in trouble, I should laugh at his misfortune. Oh and don't forget all you need to do is to shout at the bully and he will leave you alone, not asking a responsible adult to talk to the bully. Cool Cat is a true hero to the children. Teaching them that it's ok to be a whiny sissy and get everything you want. Oh and don't forget sugar Daddy Derek and his cat wife, Momma Cat.