joao_m_neto Reviews

Civil War (2024)

Waste of time!

[2/10 · 25 May 2024]

Pfffff...

Slow, up until the last five minutes.

Poor, (or non existing) acting.

Idea is good, but track was lost right from the start.

Wagner Moura, who is a fantastic performer, will have some explanation to do, regarding the reasons for accepting such an innocuous part.

Still need to write 300 characters.

Much ado about nothing.

Stupid ending.

Bad caricature of the America schizophrenia inherent to trigger-happy rednecks.

Good scenery.

Good sets.

The best of the film is the new and improved bust of Mrs. Plemons which looks great under brown t-shirts.

Not much more I can say people. Sorry.

Knox Goes Away (2023)

Just one thing...

[9/10 · 8 May 2024]

...I would need to give the 10/10: comeuppance! It goes half way... one more bullet should have been fired. Maybe it's my vengeful nature, I don't know, but I like it when wrongdoers learn Karma!

Michael Keaton... UAU!!!!!

I still say, and will keep on saying, for years to come: he is BY FAR the best Batman (and Tim Burton's too!)(Robert Pattinson?!??!?!? Please!!!! Give me a break!!!!! He is as ridiculous as Jared Letho's Joker... Heath Ledger must be tossing and turning in his grave, God rest his Soul!).

Mentioning his Batman, is just to put You in context of his registries: Batman, Ray Nicolette in "Jackie Browm" (someone BRILLIANTLY decided to reprise the character in "Out of Sight"), Birdman and then those comedies... and then, of course, "Beetlejuice".

Immense talent! Very strong personality!

Excellent movie, great performance by all, but Mr. Keaton stands out!

THANK YOU for a very intense, albeit entertaining, movie night!

Breathe (I) (2024)

1 star each...

[3/10 · 8 May 2024]

1st star is for Common... I don't know what it is, but there is an Aura around this man. I enjoy his presence and he gave A LOT to the story, with a ridiculously short screen time screen. He is a GREAT actor, who, in this movie, deserved a lot more relevance and presence.

2nd star is for the story. Well thought.

3rd star, for the scenery... yes, it's CGI, amd yes, it's fake, but GREAT set!

I can compare this one to the Sci-Fi movie of Will Smith and his son... the kid is an idiot! Too much part for him, too little part for his father.

It's the same here... bratty kid who messes all up just to make a stand with the stupid cliche that parents are wrong and kids know it all!

Sam Worthington is another very good actor who plays a GREAT part in the movie... his talent fits the character like a glove! Avatar is a stain in his career, because he is much more than that simpleton, blue people blob.

All in all, this movie would, could and should, have been a lot better with more Common, more action (they had plenty of room to work it in there), less drama, and the totally expandable and annoying kid.

The ending turns out to be as predictable as the movie itself. It entertains, but it's a deception all throughout...

LaRoy, Texas (2023)

Another STUPID ending...

[1/10 · 24 April 2024]

I will once again mention my meaningless existence to justify all these movies I watch... I mean... my life is so empty, that sitting on the couch, watching flicks with my cats is one of the very few things that make me happy, along with going down to the bar alone and grab a few...

I must admit that it was Steve Zahn who lured me into this one... eversince "Happy Texas", this guy is on my Geniouses list.

The opening scene was just UAU!!!!!!! I knew who Dylan Baker was by face, but after this performance, he is also on a pedestal.

I knew right off, that he was going to be one of those "short-appearance, key-moment figures"... I believe he is the next William H. Macy. A FABULOUS actor, who, for some God inexplicable reason, never gets the part (or recognition) they deserve...

I will end this quick...

One of the most ridiculous endings I have ever watched: Doofus comes out on top... (expected) Good guy who, unintentionally, screws up, gets screwed up! (unfair) Bad guys get their comeuppance... (as they should) The most DETESTABLE, HORRIBLE, GREMLIN-LOOKING, PESKY and VOMITIVE character (the wife)... gets away with it...

And what started out as a movie that I was going to keep in my collection, ends up being a happily deleted file in my PC...

What a total waste of my emotions!!!!!!

Congratulations to Mr. Zahn and Mr. Magaro... a statue to Mr. Baker, please!

Mr. SHAME Atkinson should apologize for this atrocity!

Role Play (2024)

She won't make it...

[5/10 · 21 January 2024]

I am doing this a lot lately: I watch 20-25 mins. Of the film and I decide to write the review about what I have seen so far. And my opinion, rarely changes!

I still don't get why all men drool over Kaley Cuoco... she just pretty, and quite frankly, not that much.

The scene where she meets Bob is where she stands at, in movies: short, one-liners, simple deliveries. That "dialogue" was fun, but she has got no more in her.

I read a review, where the author said that the movie "...is mostly a comedy, not to be taken seriously.". I consider that consuming 100 minutes of my life (which I can't get back), is not to be taken lightly.

I am sure that it will be "Sir" Bill Nighy (why did he reject OBE?) who will make me worth my while. I think British actors, with age, start bringing immense charm into movies, regardless of the gender (of movie). Mick Jagger was UAU in "The Burn Orange Heresy"!!!!! (Oh... by the way, can we take this movie seriously TxMike?)

It's entertainment, OK, but talent and good acting are not expensive (just look at Netflix), so I think that comedies should also be considered as very serious things, as many people and families, live off the industry, regardless of the gender (of movie).

I will now go back to the film, knowing that for my opinion to change, a lot of planets have to line up, hell has to freeze over and pigs have to fly, as I am very sure that just the movie won't cut it!

The Painter (I) (2024)

I borrowed the start of the review... SORRY!

[1/10 · 14 January 2024]

Apologies to toonarly for copying and pasting his review, but it saved me a lot of time.

Like the beekeeper, the bricklayer , the engineer, the equalizer is this new story about a similar "common job" person called "the painter" like all the others he's very good at his "common job" but underneath is a very well trained CIA operative... and bla, bla, bla.

It is the second time today that I stop at around 30 something minutes to write a review, just because I have to get it out now... there is nothing these people will (or can) do until the end of the movie to change my opinion.

Although I will finish watching it (that's how sad and empty my life is), I will pose some questions:

• Why would John Voigt accept to take part in this mummery?

• The two CIA "girls" are the most out of place characters to ever appear in a film (I have been watching about 2 a week since I was 6, and I am now 45). I would understand if they were gorgeous (movie is bad, so atttention has to be drawn from somewhere), or if they were ugly (meaning they were cast by skill)... they are just "pffff looking" and flat out bad actresses... unbeliavably artificial!!!!!

• Do directors watch the scenes after shotting them? Isn't there anyone there to questionn the acting? Can'y anyone with common sense come out and say: "I see better acting in Cambodian brothels! Do better!"?

• Isn't "attack on the cinema industry" categorized as felony? Making movies like this should get people in jail (not the actors... these poor bunch don't have more in them. It's their bosses who should be arrested!)?

The star I give is for Leah Gibson... she is mesmerizingly pretty in a very natural way and plays her simple part just as it's meant for (I hope someone, at some point, gives her a good chance in a good movie).

At least I killed another 100 minutes of my inconsequential existance. I hope the rest of the movie causes me to fall asleep... it would dignify my afternoon.

Lift (I) (2024)

Why faking accents?

[4/10 · 14 January 2024]

I am 26 minutes into the movie and I had to pause it to write this.

I should say I LOVE heist films and the story of this one is interesting... the way they mix cop & robber is actually believable at sorts.

What I don't get is WHY cast actors and actresses who have to fake accents for their characters, when You cam surely get native speaker actors and actresses who won't sound like infants learning how to speak?!?!?

I adore Jean Reno but... he is french!!!!!! WHY DOES HE PORTRAY A NORDIC CHARACTER!?!?!?!?!? Aren't ther Swedes or Norwegians who can act the part?!?!?!?!?!?

The spanish actress' English accent is just unsufferable (as it happens with 99% of the people in that Country). I bet You she is reading phonetically from a teleprompter, because I can assure You her level isn't good enough to say "ai don aprishi-eit imoushonol blek meil" on her own.

Gugu Mbatha's Italian is more artificial and robotic than Stephen Hawking's voice modulator!!!!!!! I can only remember something similar: John Malovich's English accent in "One Ranger". He did not need that stain in his brilliant career! Come on...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!! With the budgets they manage nowadays, isn't there enough to get people who originally speak the languages?!?!?!?!??

Useless people (in this case, again, the spanish actress, (well on her way to becoming another penelope cruz) speaking languages they don't know which makes their accents deplorable and people who watcch, cringe.

I never saw funny in Kevin Hart apart from the "Starbucks bit" in his "What now?" show.

I am watching the movie because I like these stories and this kind of action, but the casting director here, is an insult to the industry!!!!!!

Leave the World Behind (2023)

To each his own star

[3/10 · 11 December 2023]

1st star is for Mr. Ali... UAU!!!!!!!! Charming, mysterious, eerie at times... what a voice!!!! He can be extremely expressive in his monotonic speech. I saw him before, yes, but had paid no mind to him. I haven't watched the two movies he won the Oscar for... pending.

2nd star is for Ethan Hawke. I tend to compare Hawke with. Josh Brolin many times... everything they do, no matter how small or simple, is good. Same here! Not much dialogue, not much depth, but he delivers the character spot on!

3rd star is for the Tesla scene... apart from SUPER cool, it's the moment when You really think about where can something like this get to... it makes You wonder on the limit of such an event... the tanker bit is OK, but this one is sublime!!!!

No more stars because the ending is just stupid!!!! I mean... I get the symbology of it and why it ends that way, but after 2 swomething hours, You get to know nothing of what, why or who...

Julia Roberts is one the most overrated and useless acteesses in the history of cinema. She steals parts from real actressess who could do a good job. Instead she keeps on getting spotlight when she shouldn't even be getting light from a firefly's behind!!!!!!

Reptile (2023)

Very good movie for a much greater cast

[6/10 · 8 October 2023]

I get why Benicio del Toro would be the main character being one of the writers and producers and all, but... it's just too small of a part for him.

After things like, eg, "Snatch", "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and "The Usual Suspects", we never know where del Toro is going to come out from... this was just... pfffff... a part in a movie.

In general, EXCELLENT performers for mundane roles.

A good movie requires good actors, but this bunch is way above the script, and thus the 6, as I feel somewhat disappointed at what this movie could have been with "unknown" actors, and at the same time I wonder wherelse could this fantastic cast have been much more useful.

Although it is very well written, well paced for the style, small stories entwine (like the contractor bit), etc., it's nothing more but a cop flck. A twist (more complex story) to "Copland" if You will.

Entertaining yes, but I am at a stage in my life where I choose what I watch on account of what I think the "emotional dent" will be, rather than promotion or trend. Actors tend to carry a lot of weight in the decision. I got it wrong this time.

Don't missunderstane me: I insist the actors are great! They just deserve a better movie.

Rub (2023)

30 minutes too long...

[4/10 · 19 August 2023]

I have to admit I was not very leaned into watching this one, but I was convinced by the reviews, which seem to be written by real film buffs.

It's watchable, but... except for the main characters and the mechanic, all others exageratedly overact their parts. SUPER ARTIFICIAL!!! The "cops", Trevor, the boss, the shop owner... pffff...

The story is actually OK, but, having been able to go either towards the road movie or "good guy works it out" types, it went neither way, and got stuck in the middle.

Like one of the reviewrs said, and I agree: photo is good and it is well shot. Nothing else I can say about it.

Heart of Stone (I) (2023)

Well, it's watchable, but... another "Pfff".

[2/10 · 13 August 2023]

I must say that the poster photo is the first where I actually see some beauty in Gal Gadot.

In my opinion she is a mediocre actress, who wouldn't get a job as a petshop receptionist if it were not for her physique. And let's not get into her ridiculously artificial accent.

About the movie itself, as I wrote in the title: "Pfff...". Many of us have seen 007 wannabe movies, like "Ava" and "The 355" (both of which should be used to threaten children when they do not want to eat the soup).

I am all for gender recognition and equality (all genders and orientations), but the indutry is, yet again, trying to impose hybrid characters on us. There was only one Mata Hari as there is only one James Bond (who they now managed to turn him into an unbearable woman actress with an insufferable attitude, monotonic and dull voice, bah).

Stick to originals! I mean, what will you come up with next? A chinese Hitler? A caucasian Magic Johnson? A hindi Capatain America?

Speaking of which, and I reiterate that I am all for equality, but: are there legal impositions to ALWAYS have African-Americans and asians in every movie and series?

I get Glenn Close (very small but believeable part), I get why Nomad is African-American, I get why the bad guy is Irish, but the rest? Aren't there good hackers in America or eastern Europe? Why does it have to be a hindi hacker portrayed by a repellent girl? If they are aming for diversity, the shot is way off, as they are hitting the stereotypr target!

For Christ's sake... these movies entertain, which comes down to be what they're made for, but it makes me cringe to see these painfully bad acting on account of PC correctness and inclusion...

Guy Ritchie's the Covenant (I) (2023)

And I did not like Jake...

[10/10 · 14 May 2023]

There was a review titled "Not Guy Ritchie's best". May be so... but I am 20 minutes into the movie and I decided to stop to write this: I never thought much of Jake Gyllenhaal and I feel SUPER EMOTIONAL with what I am seeing so far (I insist that I am 20 mins into the film).

Guy Ritchie is a GENIOUS and deserves a statue for "Lock, stock & two smoking barrels" and everything after that can be loved or hated... and I hate mcconaughey & grant but LOVED "The Gentlemen". The director's job is what it is... we see the actors and we relate to the characters and story... today, I START LOVING Jake!!!!! WHAT AN ENERGY!!!!!! WHAT A POSE!!!!! WHAT A DEEPNESS!!!!!! I should also mention dar salim's intensity... I don't know how this will go on but, in 20 mins., this movie has already made my afternoon!!!!!! Thank You.

Malicious Mind Games (2022)

Pfffff...

[1/10 · 10 July 2022]

The directors name is SVS... what kind of a name is SVS?!?! Just this should be enough to keep You away from this God awful movie..

Bland script, dull plot, childish and artificial acting, HORRIBLE editing... oh Lord!!

I think I wrote this in another review: how empty is my life for me to sit through this entire pile of manure?!?

The credits only last 1.30 minute.. even crappy films' credits take up at least 5 minutes.

Who put money in this pit?!?

Spiderhead (2022)

Mindbender?

[7/10 · 4 July 2022]

It's over 1 in the morning and I have to get up at 5 a.m. But I needed to get this in before sleep distorted my feelings for this film.

Firstly, I have to admit I had no idea who Miles Teller was... GREAT SURPRISE! He's God awful ugly, but he is a GREAT actor!

Chris Hemsworth is not so much of a surprise, as I knew he had it in him... at some point it would have to come out... Brad Pitt was lucky with "Seven", Tom Cruise took quite a while until "A Few Good Men" came along, but in the end, all these people flourish and gift us with a "UAU" moment... His performance is sublime and specially in the "mood swing" part of the movie.

Meanwhile, his wife is going about with the appalling "Interceptor"... real life Yin & Yang for You!!!

The movie is weird (and I do not say it in a bad way).

I am still trying to grasp "Inland Empire" and God forbid I compare David Lynch to any earthling, but I get the same feeling that I did not quite understand the film. Believe it or not, this is a compliment. It will make me watch it again. And I really want to.

Only a seven because I believe the secondary cast could have had more relevance. Either grant them more participation or shorten the prop-actor cast.

But again: 30 minutes of sleep I will not get back just to tell You this is a "must watch".

The Man from Toronto (2022)

It's more of Hart, but also Chameleon Woody!!! GREAT!!!!

[10/10 · 25 June 2022]

What did Elen Barkin do to her face?

Why is Kaley Cuoco so incredibily overrated?

But then we have some really nice surprises... the Gym scene with all the "Men" is an incredible masterpiece of action and entertainment (the choice of Wolfmother's "The Joker and the Thief" was spot on!!!!!).

Kevin Hart is what he is: just an average comedian (never really saw where he is funny, apart from the Starbuck's bit in his show), but Woody Harrelson, once again, gives an unearthly performance (the movie is what it is, but for the style, it is sublime!!!) and makes me think that some people are just made for movies.

De Niro in "Heat! Vs. "Meet the Parents"; Jeff Bridges in "The BIg Lebowski" vs. "Hell or High Water"; Brad Pitt in "Seven" vs. "Burn After Reading"... these are the people who make cinema one of the Wonders of the World!

SUPER ENTERTAINING, fun, fresh, and made me jealous of people who get paid obscene amounts of money to have fun (I bet these guys had a ball filming this) while at the same time, making me forget about my empty life for about two hours!!!!!

I love Dwayne Johnson but "Red Notice" is CRAP compared to this (another movie with a totally superfluous actress - gal gadot - whose only skill is to make seventeen year-old zitty nerds to drool while watching "Wonder Woman").

These modern action movies are only as good as the cast can make them and these people excelled.

Hunter's Moon (2020)

I get why Jay Mohr is in this...

[1/10 · 12 June 2022]

...I mean... he needs the money and his career is crap, so he takes anything coming his way (and still boasts about his impression of Christopher Walken, which is bland at the very least).

I do not get why Thomas Jane went along with this...

Amanda Wyss' career is clearly on the downfall so... she was the perfect actress to portray Mohr's wife (and she looks like The Joker with no makeup... ew!)...

The girls... why did Juliet's part portray her as such a slu_ !??!? (there is a "t" missing but I want to avoid bot censorship.

Honestly... not even Bambi Woods was that easy!!!! Even for the script or to tie knots in the plot... I believe it was uncalled for.

The story: for the lack of a better word: ludicrous. How did they find the hitch-hiker killer in half a day? What do they do for a living that they can buy houses with orchards and QX80s whilst moving free-willingly around the Country?!?!?

And the ending is so absolutely void... which makes me dwell on the reason why I watched it all the way through... I guess age is getting the best of me...

Pfff...

Top Gunner: Danger Zone (2022)

And I just watched the trailer...

[1/10 · 10 June 2022]

God forbid I watch this... there is more CGI on this than there is make-up on Rhianna's face... One reviewer mentions the "where does it hurt?" line, and, along with the trailer, that's it for me!

The 355 (2022)

Pffff...

[2/10 · 30 January 2022]

Boring, too many accents, non-believable characters and outlandish scenarios.

The spanish actress' part is totally expandable (as is all her films outside Almodovar scripts).

I was expecting to watch a good action flick and ended up wasting around 2 hrs. Of life... Chastain got cocky after "Ava".