mysticzine Reviews

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

Don't Bother

[2/10 · 20 September 2014]

I love B grade horror films. I love zombie movies. I love over the top Troma humor. I am even an indie filmmaker. I did not like this movie.

The premise sounds really fun: A janitor enlists several locals to help him fight zombies in a university on Christmas eve. Instead of an enjoyable romp with tons of blood and gore, we get long passages where nothing happens and banal dialog that is supposed to pass for jokes.

The film is really nothing more than a low budget vanity project by a group of guys who aren't as funny or talented as they want to be. It's the kind of situation that all indie movie makers have been in (me included) where enthusiasm can't compensate for a bad script. I will check back after they've made a few more movies, though. I'm betting they do get better down the line.

A Lesson Before Dying (1999 TV Movie)

Read the book

[4/10 · 8 April 2012]

Having just finished the novel, I was excited to watch this film. I had seen a lot of people rent it over the years, and knew the quality of the cast, so I was eager to enjoy it. Unfortunately, the cheap production, poorly written script, flat direction, and over-dramatic score really hamper what could have been a great film. This is a film that hits you over the head with emotion, rather than letting it seep through in nuance. We are constantly told, through histrionic music and stage sized acting, what we are supposed to feel. If the film was black and white, it would fit perfectly into the 1950's melodrama genre. The actors in this film are playing caricatures rather than characters with back story and motivations. This film is too broad, too overplayed, and too cursory. This is a wonderful story that deserves a director who truly understands the material and knows the world the events are set in. Hopefully, with remakes being the all the rage, this novel will get a new chance to shine on screen.

Friday the 13th (2009)

Started Off Strong, then....became The Hills

[3/10 · 13 June 2009]

The first twenty minutes or so of this film brought a smile to my face. It reminded me of all the late nights I spent, huddled under blankets, watching the original films. The teens were actually slightly interesting, the deaths were gruesome, and the action was pretty intense. Then, the pretty people came.

The SUV pulls up and the cast of the Hills (plus token Asian and African- American guys) get out. From this point forward, the film becomes a typically bland remake. The characters are irritating, the deaths are cheesy, and the plot spirals into stupidity.

I am officially done with remakes. None of them have been worth it. Hollywood, check please.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Fun,if generic action flick

[6/10 · 2 July 2003]

Well, it didn't suck....much...

Without James Cameron, there really can be no true Terminator film. The absence of Linda Hamilton is greatly felt, too. However, what we do get isn't that bad. This is definitely a more generic version of terminator. There's not much character development, there's no real message, and it doesn't really feel as much as an event as the previous two. The computer graphics that set T2 apart (and above) other action flicks have given way to the standard morphing/crashing/people getting thrown all over the place CGI. In short, this film could be any action flick released in the past couple of years, but it's still fun.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

A Terribly boring rip off of Wrath of Kahn

[3/10 · 21 February 2003]

I've loved Star Trek since the early seasons of The Next Generation. I've seen all of the movies and have watched at least some of all of the shows.

Nemsis is absolutely awful. The beginning is filled with flamboyant humor that is completely out of character for Picard, a James Bondesque action sequence that is completely out of place (and adds nothing to the plot line, I might add), and a plot point so obvious that it is shameful.

The first major fault with this film is Picard's Nemesis. Picard has a few enemies (probably none that are truly movie worthy villians), so I guess it was necessary to invent a new one. However, this was the most ridiculous way the writers could have done it. Plain and simple, there is no reason for this enemy. He has no real beef with Picard.

The pacing of the film is terribly off, as well. Most of the film trodds along at a snail's pace, completely losing the audience's attention, while the final twenty minutes or so desperately try to salvage the film. Unfortunately, instead of being impressed by the, admittedly cool, big special effects thing that happens close to the end (how's that for avoiding a spoiler?)I was left thinking "I had to sit through 2 hours of crap for that?"

I love Picard and the rest of the gang, but I believe they have been apart for too long, and the steam has just run out of the Trek franchise for them to ever be successful again. Instead of a glorious swang song for a beloved group of characters, we are given a second rate version of Wrath of Kahn. All in all, I'd rather stay home and watch my TNG DVDs.

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

Boring.

[2/10 · 25 July 2002]

I will start out by saying that I am a pretty big Trek fan. (On a 1-10 scale, I'm probably a 7.5) I loved TNG and DS9, and was really looking forward to this film. I saw it exactly 1 time in the theater (I saw the previous two films at least twice), and about a 4th of the way through on DVD. I don't ask a lot of a Trek film. Give me a decent plot, a decent villian, and show me a lot of the ship. This movie didn't even come close to fufilling those simple demands. The plot was completely uninteresting and the film was largely pieced together from parts of TNG episodes that I didn't like to begin with.

Do yourself a favor: If you ever think about watching this film, grab the disc to First Contact or Wrath of Khan (or hell, even Trek 5). You'll thank me later.

Hannibal (2001)

Awful, simply awful

[2/10 · 19 July 2002]

Having just watched Silence of the Lambs for the nth time, I am reminded of all the reasons Hannibal is an awful failure. Perhaps it is not fair to compare the two films, however the comparison is inevitable.

Silence establishes such a powerful, realistic, bleak tone that would go on to inspire tv and film for the next decade (can you say X-files?). The characters were so wonderfully complex and interesting. The relationship between Clarice and Lector evolved as a sort of dance, each following the other's lead. Hannibal attempts to further this relationship, but becomes bogged down by its own grandure. The tone and style are so grandiose and operatic, that everything else is completely drowned out. The characters have even been so warped that their actions are not their own. I never felt that what they were doing truly fit their character. (The scene in which Lector lures Clarice into the mall with the telephone game comes close, but ultimately seems like a pale imitation of Silence.) Perhaps the biggest problem, though, is that Hannibal never comes across as more than Friday the 13th: The Opera. Whereas Silence scares in a very subconcious reasonating way, Hannibal goes for cheap scares and gory effects. For example, in Silence, Clarice, not the audiece, is shown a photo of the nurse Lector ravaged. In Hannibal, a video tape of the incident is shown, causing a momentary jump, but nothing more. Ultimately, Hannibal is more a creation of the desire to hear Anthony Hopkins utter "hello Clarice...." once more than a realization of a true artistic vision.

Focus (I) (2001)

High Hopes, Low deliverance

[3/10 · 26 May 2002]

I had never heard of this film until it came to DVD. I was immediately intrigued by everything about it: the actors, the title, the cover, and especially the author. Arthur Miller, you can't go wrong with him, can you? Yep. I haven't read the novel, but I'm going to guess it was a lot better than the film. I had high hopes for this movie. I love Macy and Dern, and it looked interesting. Unfortunately, this film never really rises above cookie-cutter messages about racism and bigotry. If you've never seen any other films that deal with this subject, or if you never knew that America was founded on bigotry, then maybe this film will wow you. Others will probably find it predictable, stale, and overall bland.

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Beautiful, Sad, almost perfect

[9/10 · 4 November 2001]

This is one of Lynch's best movies, ever. Although I still like FWWM best, this one probably comes in a close second (right there with Eraserhead). It's a beautiful, sad story which leaves you thinking about it for days afterwards. One time is simply not enough, as this film haunts you and demands another viewing. Every time I see it, I see it in a completely new light. Sometimes funny, sometimes utterly tragic, this film grabs your heart and leaves you breathless.

If you are truly wild at heart, then this is the film for you.