geoff-367 Reviews

Playing with Beethoven (2020)

Couldn't they have tuned the pianos?

[1/10 · 29 November 2021]

"Playing with Beethoven" tells the story of Josh (Aric Floyd) and Charlotte (Naomi Druskic), two pianists at an unnamed conservatory who are on the brink of a competition that offers a world tour (apparently with parents in tow) as a reward. Charlotte has a secret agenda, but not to worry, everything will be fine in the end because it's that kind of movie. The kind where a character has to apologize for a mild swear word that's in everyday use (the only one in the entire film). The kind where you can see everything coming a mile away, because the director (who also wrote, produced, and edited) can't resist bashing you in the face with every plot development. The kind where an African-American lead has to have an absentee father, and the best explanation the screenwriter can come up for an actress' accent is to suggest first that it's learned from the grandparent who raised the orphaned family (never mind that her older sister is accent-free) and then that it's just a put-on. The kind where all sorts of important events just happen to occur on the same night.

Floyd is a competent actor; the rest of the cast not so much. And the implausiblities just keep coming, from the leads tooling dozens of miles around town on a BMX bicycle to breaking into a theater where Charlotte's friends are rehearsing with a famous conductor (apparently it never occurred to anyone to walk through the front door that everybody else uses). At one point Josh, who is presented as a classical pianist through and through, suddenly displays a gift for flawless jazz improvisation--apparently Beethoven takes serious practice but jazz just comes to everyone without effort.

On top of all that, the pianos (all blatantly product-placed by K. Kawai) are so badly tuned that they wouldn't be out of place in a honky-tonk Western. This is supposed to be a serious music conservatory! The Kawai company ought to sue the producers for defamation.

What Rats Won't Do (1998)

Just plain bad

[2/10 · 15 February 2014]

Did I see the same film as these other people? The movie's title comes from an old lawyer joke (told in the film): scientists experiment on lawyers because there are some things rat's just won't do. One of those things was to agree to star in this flat romantic comedy.

As in many romcoms, the outcome is predictable from the very opening scenes. But getting there is, in this case, no fun at all. How can one like a film that suggests that a woman should sleep with a cad just because he's willing to embarrass himself a bit in public--especially when the embarrassment is a coldly calculated attempt to get her into bed? But that's not the worst of it. True, there are some funny moments, but all in all the movie is a bore. The lead characters are uninteresting and (except for Peter Capaldi) uncharismatic. Every major character in the film eventually establishes themselves as someone who is not to be trusted, if not a downright scumbag. And the number of (sadly predictable) plot coincidences must be some kind of record. You don't just have to suspend disbelief to see this movie, you have to throw it off the Burj Khalifa and then bury it in a fracking hole.

Leap Year (2010)

Boring and pointless

[1/10 · 17 May 2012]

The problem with this movie isn't the content or the nature of the story. Yes, it wallows in brutal and degrading sex. Yes, it excuses violence against women. Yes, it has a bleak outlook on life. But I can handle those.

The real issue is that the film is just plain bad. The writing is turgid, the directing uninspired, and the acting amateurish. The first 45 minutes could have been told in 15--or even 10--by a competent filmmaker. When it finally got to the real nastiness, I fast-forwarded past it. As I said, I can handle it, but why degrade myself when there's no point? In fact, since my DVD player still showed me the subtitles when running at double speed, I had no trouble following the tissue-thin plot. That's right: this movie is paced at less than half the rate the viewer could absorb.

In the end, the filmmakers only have one thing to tell us, and it's not at all profound. Actually, I take that back: despite all the raves from other reviewers, I don't think the film has anything at all to say. It's just one more "Look at me, I'm an 'artiste' and isn't it cool how I can shock you?" movie.

I recommend that you watch an Adam Sandler movie instead of this one. Sandler's films are also awful, but at least they have a point.

Guy and Madeline on a Park Bench (2009)

Disastrously awful

[1/10 · 7 January 2012]

I'll start with full disclosure: this review is based on the first 30 minutes of this movie, because that's as much time as I was willing to waste on it. When the girl started singing--not quite in tune--I gave up.

This movie is all about being pretentious--the filmmakers, not the characters. The jerky hand-held camera work is just trying to be cool; it does nothing for the film. The same goes for the lack of dialog, the random dance numbers (filmed so you can't see the dancers' feet), the disconnected storytelling, the grainy black-and-white look, and of course the ultimate I'm-so-hip posing of hiring an ultra-cheap symphony orchestra to provide a score. ("Look at me! I've heard of Bratislava! I'm so much better than all you people who think Boston musicians are just fine!) Save your money. Or go see the latest Chipmunks movie; at least that's schlock with a plot.

Half Empty (2006)

Trite, inane, and just plain stupid

[1/10 · 26 April 2009]

I wasted 35 minutes of my life on this turkey before I gave up. The main character is completely clueless and astoundingly unsympathetic, but there is no humor in his blundering. As soon as he arrives in Germany, the screenwriter pulls the old "there's only one room in the hotel, you'll have to share a room with a pretty girl" stunt. Come on, at least you could let them develop their relationship a bit first. Watch "It Happened One Night" to see how to do it right--or any of a thousand movies since then.

The acting is consistently third-rate, and the improvised dialogue should have been left on the cutting-room floor. It meanders with no plan at all, despite the fact that the film telegraphs the relationship's destination from the moment Greta is introduced.

The first song, in the boardroom, is mildly funny but badly sung. The rest of the songs (well, to be fair, I only heard those in the first half-hour) are just pointless and awful. Most of the singers are painfully out of tune, but not in any intentionally humorous sort of way.

Fishtales (2007)

Skip it

[2/10 · 17 November 2008]

Der Schnibbler was too kind when he called this movie jagged. The screenwriter seems to have no clue about anything. I howled in the beginning when Billy Zane's character is warned of the precarious position of a "visiting professor emeritus." ("Emeritus" is a fancy word for "retired", hardly appropriate for the youthful Zane, and visitors don't retire because they never had a permanent job in the first place.) The mermaid doesn't make any attempt to hide herself, but the villagers are unaware of her. When the daughter first encounters her, both characters are unsurprised and swim together like old friends, with no hesitation or getting-to-know-you scenes. I could go on and on.

The filmmakers seem to have been making up the plot as they went along, while suffering some sort of amnesia as to what came before. Yes, it's a fantasy, but there is zero internal logic. And whenever they run out of ideas, they resort to gross-out jokes. (TWO crotch blows in 15 seconds? Give me a break.)

I will, however, admit that all the leads are photogenic. I hope that next time they will read the script before signing up.