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The Northman (2022)
Nope.
Me and my Dad have a tradition of going to see a movie every year for our birthdays (we have a gap of about three weeks between them), and this year, it was close enough to his birthday that when he said he wanted to see The Northman, I happily booked the tickets (in retrospect, that $22 is a painful loss) and paid for our movie theater snacks (this would be the only part of the trip that was not a waste).
We sat through what I think was a thirty-minute reproduction of a Monty Python skit, only I think Monty Python did it better. At least with that, you pretty much know it's being played for laughs. The derailment started with the slapping of the penis. I don't mean this metaphorically, kids, I mean one of the characters whipped out his penis and slapped it in order to emphasize his godawful joke.
After Nicole Kidman failed to seduce the king, who I just learned was Ethan Hawke, he took the boy to some mystical place in the woods for what would end up being a laughable coming of age ritual that was both nonsensical and silly. What exactly was the point of that? Aside from setting up that poor child actor for some bullying when he returns to school because that whole scene made both me and Dad cringe and physically look away from the screen.
After that, it was a few bloodbaths (none of which were necessary to the scrap of a plot they were working with), a boat scene in which Skarsgard jerked a paddle around and growled at the camera, and a bunch of men essentially wearing diapers and cheap headpieces howling and dancing. If that's your thing, okay, great. It is not mine.
We got fed up with waiting for this movie to find its plot, which I'm not terribly convinced even existed but for the sake of this review, we'll say we never actually saw any sort of revenge take place because after forty-five minutes of a bad attempt at Monty Python, we left. We were bored and pissed off that I had spent actual money on this movie.
I'm thinking one needs to be high to watch this movie because I think most of the characters were?
The Whole Truth (2016)
It ended in the middle.
I could really like this movie if not for the fact that I feel like it ended in the middle of the story. There is so much more they could have told and actually given Keanu's character motivation!