kreamykonez97 Reviews

Knocked Up (2007)

OveR ate it =)

[5/10 · 3 October 2007]

KNOCKED UP 2007 (SETH ROGEN, KATHERINE HEIGL, PAUL RUDD) DIRECTED BY: JUDD APATOW ~ THE RUNDOWN: A generally distasteful comedy; 'Knocked Up' is too long, too unsuccessfully sentimental and the jokes are usually annoying, one-dimensional smart ass jokes...minus the smart. ~ You know when you're at dinner, or at a party or somewhere where people are talking and suddenly you get that strange, annoyed feeling when a couple idiots you may or may not know start quoting unfunny movie scenes line-by-line and arrogantly laughing at jokes nobody but the two of them find hilarious? Well, whether you realize it or not, 'Knocked Up' will probably leave you with that feeling. But don't worry, you're not a jackass for not jumping on the bandwagon. Here, Apatow's 'Freaks and Geeks' crowd seems to have a lot more fun than the alienated audience most of the time in this tedious, sad excuse for the '40 year old Virgin'. It's true, Apatow has shown nothing but brilliance in the past (huge Heavyweights fan...'Virgin','Freaks and Geeks','Dick and Jane'), but there's no doubt about it - he stumbles here when his usually dead-on, slightly satiric and easy-to-relate-to humor doesn't satisfy. Also, when was porn funny? Personally, I love porn. I am pro-porn all the way. But, Apatow, you need to check yo self...comedies aren't meant for epic proportions with running lengths exceeding two hours and intricately shot sex scenes. The critics may be falling for this stylized comedy sh i t, but you're not getting any brownie points from me. As for the acting: Rogen is good and kicks ass as a leading man, although I think it's safe to say he didn't have to do too much Deniro Method Acting for the role. Heigl was also good and convincing, as well as Starr, Segel and the rest of those guys. I gotta say though, Leslie Mann's crying was awful. I'm not a stickler when it comes to acting but she sucked and made a mockery of her scenes. Paul Rudd was pretty sh**ty too. Their performances were very predictable and, for me, didn't help to communicate any of the bs sentimentality. In fact, at times I felt like I was watching portions of a bad sitcom.

Buffalo '66 (1998)

Forget Rocky! There's a new Italian Stallion in town...and his name's Vinnie.

[10/10 · 10 July 2007]

BUFFALO 66 1998 (VINCENT GALLO, Christina RICCI, ANJELICA HUSTON) DIRECTED BY: VINCENT GALLO ~ THE RUNDOWN: When broken down, 'Buffalo 66' is a model of perfect film-making on every level and scores a ten in every faction necessary; a hidden gem...and effing hilarious. ~ Vincent Gallo is f*cking weird...but genuinely talented and obviously not a sell-out. He's a modern Orson Welles and this is his Citizen Kane. And even if it's not truly a film of such magnitude, it's still the most ingenious comedy in recent memory and I'm honestly surprised the movie hasn't stirred more attention. If you find it anywhere near as funny as I did, you will laugh your as*s off more than a couple times. And it's not because of some weird, idiosyncratic brand of humor I have...no...the comedy here is real and universally brilliant...almost in a kind of Seinfeld meets Taxi Driver type of way. Yet, at the same time, the story is surprisingly and effectively moving. Gallo's performance is so alarmingly vivid and filled with such humanity the viewer can't help but be captivated by his character and grow to like and even relate to someone who initially could be called rat-like to say the least. His performance is especially amazing when you stop to consider he was the director and shot the movie with great skill and innovation, too. I think what impacted me most about the movie though, if not its amazing acting from everyone involved or the immense entertainment/comedy value, was the legitimately inspirational ending. It was powerful...in a subtle and authentic type of way and cleverly written as well. I honestly don't think it could have ended better and it's a fact that, when it comes to the movie-watching experience, nothing makes you happier than a movie that consistently and thoroughly satisfies like this did for me. Oh yeah, the score was great too.

Cop Land (1997)

Rambo strikes again!!!

[9/10 · 1 July 2007]

COP LAND 1997 (SYLVESTER STALLONE, HARVEY KEITEL, RAY LIOTTA, ROBERT DE NIRO) DIRECTED BY: JAMES MANGOLD ~ THE RUNDOWN: A great and under-appreciated film showcasing excellent character development and quite worthy of its cast. ~ Yeah, the cast is brilliant, especially Stallone in a role pivotal to his career and De Niro whose efforts are concentrated into a small but flawless supporting role - what's more important here, though, is that the cast isn't just for fluff but rather complements a powerful story with real drama. Admittedly so, the script does seem to lose its focus at times when you find yourself unsure who, what and where you're rooting for, but things tighten up in time for an immensely satisfying climax starring John J. himself. It's also important to at least mention the fact that this is a tale woven soundly with metaphor, both on a grand level and a more specified level for the characters we are allowed to get to know. And, guess what, setting everything aside, this film thoroughly entertains! There are more than a couple classic scenes, some subtly hilarious and others truly moving and all meeting either a Scorsese-like or Rambo/Dirty Harry level of quality. ~ 'Copland' may be just a little contrived and the soundscore sucked more monkey balls than Rambo III, but, hell, it struck a chord with me, a chord that doesn't ring too often.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Fantastic Foursome: The Attack of the Capri Sun Guy

[4/10 · 28 June 2007]

F4: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (IOAN GRUFFORD, JESSICA ALBA, CHRIS EVANS, MICHAEL CHIKLIS) DIRECTED BY: TIM STORY ~ THE RUNDOWN: The drama doesn't penetrate and most will not be entertained by this exercise of cheesiness. ~ Only a moron or a comic book fan (same thing) would expect greatness from a movie called "Rise of the Silver Surfer"; however, you do expect action, something the writers apparently thought unnecessary here. And, seriously, most ten-year-olds would find this sh-t corny; the jokes are usually pathetic, the script is totally generic and unaffecting... and Jessica's fine bod: wrapped like a mummy. It's true, the concept of a silver pansy that flies around on a surfboard killing billions drew me into the theater, but he just wasn't enough. There's nothing appealing about these family-friendly flamers or their movies...and they can't act for sh-t. ~ Both Marvel and 20th Century Fox should ashamed for completely bum-fkkkking people with this lighthearted grade-B superhero bull. Hell, at least its short; I'd rather see 90 minutes of sh-t in a diving suit than the 140 minutes of sh-t in a red cape that the Superman sequel will amount to.

Hostel: Part II (2007)

Just in - Shrek and Spiderman are moving to Massachusetts together...

[8/10 · 9 June 2007]

HOSTEL PART II 2007 (Lauren German, Roger Bart, Heather Matarazzo) Directed by: Eli Roth ~ The Rundown: Spiderman can blow a you-know-what...and Shrek the 3rd is an English slang term for a cigarette; Hostel II, hands down, is the best film of the year so far. ~ Eli Roth's heart may be in the horror genre, and his films may be about torturing people, but this guy is one immensely talented filmmaker and would be one of the more appreciated movie makers out there today if it wasn't for his preferred subject matter. Not to say there's anything wrong with what he utilizes his talents for. So far, both his Hostel films have shown immense originality in a throwback type of way and the sequel in particular is not only very successfully shocking but is well shot, well paced and does more than just deliver an entertaining night at the movies...it makes us feel alive. AND...does so with style. Also, Roth's amazing sense of humor, although covert, is very evident in Hostel II and will warrant more than several lighthearted chuckles from many members of the audience. ~ Summer blockbusters...sh*t; Oscar nominees...pretentious; animated films...need more nudity. Hostel II, on the other hand, may offend you because of its subject matter but won't at the hands of bad writing, formulaic action sequences, intelligence-insulting premises and overly long, muddled, Oscar-driven bullsh*t that uses rock songs to convey emotion (*cough* The Departed). His screenplay is dead-on to say the least; it's written sharply and with care...the cinematography - noticeably stylish and gritty...the acting - unknown but authentic and as impressive as any star-studded cast I've ever seen. Finally, when its all said and done, the concept truly is horrifying and will probably be more appreciated in the future.

Deja Vu (2006)

Denzel...why not just become a cop, already?

[5/10 · 5 May 2007]

DEJA VU 2006 (DENZEL WASHINGTON, PAULA PATTON, VAL KILMER) DIRECTED BY: TONY SCOTT ~ THE RUNDOWN: Tony Scott has done nothing but sh*t since True Romance; here he further corrupts the world by burdening us with this generic and laughable cop thriller. ~ Okay, with all BS aside, this is the premise of Deja Vu: cop uses time machine to...well...go back in time and save people. And upon conception of this ground-breaking design in storytelling, as*hole Jerry Bruckheimer hands a typewriter to a down-syndrome person who just got done watching Minory Report and 12 Monkeys and tells him to get to work. He, of course, makes it explicitly clear that the raw innovation accomplished so far still needs a gimmick...anything good for the theatrical trailer. The plot is ridiculous, and is founded upon the supposed and unquestioned creation of a government-made "super machine" that, according to the movie, just kinda...happened. I tell you, though, what's even more ridiculous is that they expect you to take it seriously, cheesy music and all, and care for characters in an absurd, horribly clichéd meshing of science-fiction and cop-investigation melodrama. You can't have your cake and eat it to. And, speaking of cops, how many times now has Denzel played one? I mean, wtf, is this guy like an honorary member of the Hollywood PD? He's been the lead in like every cop thriller of the last ten years. Yes, he HAS proved himself many times and has given several amazing performances including his role as a corrupt officer in Training Day...yet, has he never heard the word versatility? You better get to work Denzel, your legacy is at stake. ~ By normal standards of film-making this is not a bad movie; it was shot impressively and the acting was good. Also, I admit, at times I found myself saying: "wow, that's actually pretty cool." However, by the time the last half hour arrived, I couldn't have cared less what was going to happen. I didn't buy into any of it from the beginning and no revelation at the end was good enough to change my mind.

Death of a President (2006)

Heart-pounding terror - the movie in which Cheney becomes president!

[7/10 · 3 May 2007]

DEATH OF A PRESIDENT 2006 DIRECTED BY: GABRIEL RANGE ~ THE RUNDOWN: Wow - as the saying goes - only in America. Watch the current president of the U.S. get assassinated in October of 2007 in one of the boldest projects in cinematic history! ~ If you haven't seen it - hurry up and check it out, if not for any other reason besides pure entertainment value. It's the Blair Witch Project of politics; a consistently entertaining mockumentary that warrants much intrigue and delivers some genuine suspense. And, check this out for size - imagine a world where Bush is praised and regarded as a great American leader...you don't believe me?? well, it's been accomplished here. You may be the biggest Bush-hater in the world, but if there's one lone molecule in your body that doesn't absolutely want to strangle him, you may just be caught off guard as he is convincingly shown at times as a down-to-earth man of perseverance amid his many flaws. In further support of the movie, the acting was good for the most part, and the real footage meshes perfectly with a simple yet engaging story that just seems to work. ~ Now, on to what bothered me. Firstly, I thought it started to lose its intensity about fifty minutes into it and really just turned into an episode of Unsolved Mysteries...definitely a good one though. Secondly, it didn't present one clear-cut, unified message by the end. And even if it did, it spread itself too thin in being unbiased and the events following the assassination were just predictable and were nothing more than childish statements on what's wrong with the country: racial profiling, the "Big Brother" concept/Patriot Act, and Iraq. But, to reiterate, the concept is very intriguing, even brilliant, and I think it's fair to say it was executed pretty well.

Grindhouse (2007)

Tarantino to Rodriguez: Who's your Daddy?????

[7/10 · 10 April 2007]

GRINDHOUSE 2007 (Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson) DIRECTED BY: ROBERT RODRIGUEZ and QUENTIN Tarantino ~ THE RUNDOWN: Overall, GRINDHOUSE is a fun and worthy venture, but definitely uneven. ~ The concept is great, and one can't help but admire the innovation and originality of the project as well as the consistent attention to detail. For example, the purposely-inflicted grimy look of the film and the missing reel parts were fun, even though a little cheap and a little distracting. Then again, in PLANET TERROR's case, the occasional distraction was usually far more entertaining than the movie. In fact, all the trailers were too. Now, don't get me wrong, Rodriguez is a good filmmaker and I like a lot of his stuff, but there simply wasn't anything above mediocrity involved with his portion of the pie; it was just a tiresome zombie movie. Thinking about it now it really just reminds me of one of those 'Tales from the Crypt' movies they make every few years, and you can't tell me Rodriguez took any longer than a couple days to come up with that entire movie...a movie which, on its own, is worthy of nothing more than some no namers and a straight-to-DVD release at Blockbuster. ~ However, Tarantino is a genius. The guy is simply a genius and kicks ass in every way possible...except for acting, which he's okay at. His naysayers are total dumbas*es who probably adore Braveheart and various Michael Bay productions. His portion here, entitled DEATH PROOF, is much more entertaining than it sounds, showcasing Tarantino's ingenious, unmatched writing skills as well as his ability to orchestrate finely-tuned, edge-of-the-seat actions sequences. Also, Kurt Russell's performance is especially slick and refreshing. DEATH PROOF, by no means, is flawless and not exactly up to Quentin's usual level of amazingness, but I'm cutting it slack because I do believe its potential was constrained a bit by the Rodriguez movie and the general 'Grindhouse' concept; Tarantino's films do, afterall, usually push three hours in length. ~ The hilarious trailers, highlighted by Eli Roth's delightful 'THANKSGIVING', combined with a satisfying ninety-minutes from Tarantino and an intriguing general concept make for a worthy venture to the theatres. Unfortunately, PLANET TERROR basically sucked.

Black Snake Moan (2006)

I've had it with these motherf**king snakes on this motherf**king plane!

[6/10 · 14 March 2007]

BLACK SNAKE MOAN 2007 (SAMUEL L. JACKSON, Christina RICCI, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE) DIRECTED BY: CRAIG BREWER ~ THE RUNDOWN: Brewer's 'Black Snake Moan' doesn't warrant much more than a whimper, ignoring the tale's great potential for dark humor and presenting the simplistic story in a tedious and sometimes laughably melodramatic fashion. ~ The story, although very simplistic, had the potential to achieve both humor and entertainment on a massive level, but neither was achieved. Brewer, instead, chose to go for our hearts a little too often and, for the most part, his efforts resulted in hollow, melodrama comparable to your typical daytime soap. The path he chose with this movie did indeed make for a very watchable film highlighted by a remarkable, vibrant performance by Jackson and an equally amazing and believable performance by Ricci, but the film's set-up was seriously screaming for some humor and it was denied. Jackson, after all, can be hilarious, and I honestly think if the movie hadn't taken itself so seriously it would have maybe reached immediate cult status. I also don't think it would have sacrificed its themes either. And, while I'm on the thematic aspect, I admire how Brewer didn't keep the secrets to the film's title out of reach, yet managed to not smother us with them either. ~ The film was definitely shot with style and care; it was pretty cool how much feeling was conveyed at times with no dialogue but just music and good directing. Furthermore, 'Black Snake Moan' is definitely a more original experience than what we're used to seeing these days, but it could have reached originality on like a Tarantino level, which it definitely failed to do. ~ Overall, to reiterate, it simply doesn't live up to its potential; it could have been far more entertaining and should have been hilarious. And, guess what? Style, originality, good acting, and an interesting title don't add up to a good movie...basically just a pretty good one.

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)

If this movie has a penis, Mel Gibson is totally sucking it right now.

[8/10 · 10 March 2007]

TENACIOUS D IN 'THE PICK OF DESTINY' 2006 (JACK BLACK, KYLE GASS) DIRECTED BY: LIAM LYNCH ~ THE RUNDOWN: JB-Naysayers beware - the guy is actually very funny and completely proves himself in this absolutely hilarious, immensely entertaining, well-made and completely original comedic masterpiece. ~ In a Utopian society, as*s-kicking movies like this would be the ones winning Oscars and getting acclaim instead of pieces-of-sh*t like Braveheart. The very poor box-office results of POD prove that Jack Black doesn't get the respect he deserves, yet he consistently gives amazing performances. In POD, for instance (which he co-wrote with Gass and Lynch), his usual on-screen energy returns again full-force and he makes the audience share in it whether they want to or not making the film a totally refreshing and involving experience. And at the same time he manages to brilliantly combine that Carrey-like energy with hilarious subtlety in every scene he's in, in every line he delivers, and in every look he gives. He's also a really good singer, and really just an all-around fun actor to watch. ~ The movie itself is also invigorating. Ninety five minutes is usually a little long for a comedy of this type but POD is actually very well paced and very entertaining as well. Furthermore, the movie isn't just for some good laughs; I mean, there's some serious sh*t going on here. The movie could actually be called groundbreaking for its genre and could easily take the title of a modern rock opera with a soundtrack that, by no means meets the caliber of The Wall or Rocky Horror, but definitely gets the job done when it comes to totally rocking. As for the story...well, it's as intelligent as possible without stepping out of its boundaries, and, at times, when accompanied with the music, is genuinely inspirational. I also absorbed the clean, well-polished look of the movie and got an overwhelming impression it was made and orchestrated with care. ~ Overall, 'Pick of Destiny' really just embodies ass-kicking in a tastefully vulgar manner, and I really hope more Tenacious D movies are on the way.

Zodiac (2007)

The Zodiac is coming for your Fincher!

[5/10 · 9 March 2007]

ZODIAC 2007 (JAKE GYLLENHAAL, MARK RUFFALO, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.) DIRECTED BY: David FINCHER ~ THE RUNDOWN: David Fincher better watch his a** because if the never-captured Zodiac Killer is still around, the guy might decide to slip his hood on one last time and enact revenge for this frighteningly paced catastrophe. ~ Well the Zodiac STILL hasn't had a good movie made about him, and with a case as horrifying and extremely intriguing as his - I'd be plain pis*ed off! I mean, wow, the guy went around in an executioner's outfit stabbing people in broad daylight, as well as totally messing with the San Francisco police department for years...yet, so far, every movie about the guy has just sucked, including this one, and I truly am disappointed because David Fincher is a brilliant filmmaker and his take on the Zodiac killings looked so promising. Yet, this movie, by no means, delivered and only makes the true events unappealing. The pacing was horrible and the screenplay was muddled and jumpy with no sense of where it wanted to go or how it wanted to present what happened. Now, I know it's based on a book, but I guess the book must suck too. Also, the Jake Gyellhaal/Reporter aspect of the story was boring, clichéd and basically the same thing as that straight-to-video Zodiac movie made recently with Rory Culkin in it. Everything about the film was completely expected with little to no innovation and I'm sorry to say Fincher, but your energies were completely wasted. And, what the hell was up with all the subtitles? They were definitely unnecessary every two minutes. ~ The movie was two and a half hours in length but seemed more like three and a half. Looking back on the film, most of the good stuff was foolishly jammed into the first hour or less and the rest of the film comes across as a tedious, incomprehensible cycle of Gyllenhaal running around getting information about the guy with little suspense and entertainment value. This is a problem because no one wants to sit there and listen to long strands of information read to them. That just plain sucks. It's true there was some genuinely funny dark humor, but not enough to compensate for its problems, and, anyways, this isn't a comedy and shouldn't be awarded points for a little cheap humor, despite the fact it was indeed tasty and very brilliant at times when Fincher somehow managed to showcase just a little of his brilliance here and find a middle ground between horror and dark humor. Furthermore, in Zodiac's support, Downey Jr. was amazing and with this movie he's finally starting to show how amazing of an actor he is again. Also, it was indeed very, very well and very consistently shot. Yet, in the end, Zodiac is easily a waste of time.

Hannibal Rising (2007)

Is there a doctor in the house!!!???

[5/10 · 17 February 2007]

HANNIBAL RISING 2007 (GASPARD ULLIEL) DIRECTED BY: PETER WEBBER ~ THE RUNDOWN: The good doctor returns again, this time as a strapping adolescent wise beyond his years who painstakingly enacts revenge on some Nazis in this badly paced bore. ~ Maybe it's that creepy impression in the left side of his face...but whatever it is, there's a definite aura amongst actor Gaspard Ulliel in this movie and his ability here to maintain the perfect charm and charisma of Hannibal Lecter while killing people basically saves it from absolutely sucking. Also, the movie starts off with a bang, blasting our psyche with a sequence of sound and intensity that sets us up with the beginning of Hannibal's ill-fated childhood. Unfortunately, HANNIBAL RISING gets very boring, very quickly, and Lecter's mental and physical abuse that supposedly makes him into the monster he becomes, even though often interesting and credible, is too typical at the same time and, essentially, the whole premise of the film does not by any means add to the brilliant series but rather detracts from the Hannibal mystique. And what the hell was up with all the 'Good Evenings'? I mean, come on, this isn't a 'Nightmare on Elm Street' sequel; let's exchange some of the cheese for some class, Mr. Harris. In fact, like much of the dialog and the film in general, the completely tedious murders that Hannibal performs in vengeance of his sister really just make a mockery of the previous films. Aside from just being really boring, the plot just simply reduces one of the greatest villains of all time to something just too ordinary. ~ I guess I have mixed feelings about HANNIBAL RISING. Gaspard Ulliel could very quickly rise to massive stardom and so easily earns himself our admiration here, and, furthermore, as an avid fan of horror, I couldn't help but take sick delight in the immense violence in the movie, often innovative and easily living up to any expectations. However, like I've made very clear thus far, the film is very boring, and boring movies just plain suck, unless your 2001: A Space Odyssey, of course. Also, there's almost no suspense, either, something prevalent in all the other HANNIBAL films. The movie just goes on and on and on and the viewer finds themselves simply sitting there watching a guy kill people.

Edmond (2005)

F**k Braveheart. THIS is entertainment!

[9/10 · 10 February 2007]

EDMOND 2005 (WILLIAM H. MACY) DIRECTED BY: STUART GORDON ~ THE RUNDOWN: Gordon's best work; EDMOND is a brilliantly dark and horrifying masterpiece. ~ Firstly, the acting here is truly phenomenal. Now, I know you'd be a rich person if you had a dime for every time someone said that about a movie, but Macy's performance as Edmond Burke, your typical, upper-middle-class white business man who goes over the deep end and delves further and further into it as the film develops, is so good that if you didn't know any better you probably wouldn't think the guy was acting. But that's not the only phenomenal thing about this film; the screenplay, for instance, is really creepy and extremely realistic, guiding us through a series of situations ranging from humorous, to uncomfortable, to horrifying (note: the scene when Edmond meets his prison mate)...but always very entertaining. And, at a mere seventy-five minutes you can tell this was definitely intended for multiple viewings, each one acting as like a really long and dark excursion reminiscent of a Twilight Zone episode, offering something new each time, and each time as entertaining and rewarding as the last. It's one of those movies where you can essentially manufacture your own take on the meaning, or meanings, which I think is a really fascinating and rare spectacle these days. In fact, the way it gets your mind working kind of reminds me of those story-books for children where you choose your own adventure. Those were amazing. ~ Many will indeed find this movie boring. It's almost driven entirely by dialog with very little to no action, and the film's simplicity in plot will almost definitely throw a lot of people off right from the start. But, seriously, if you liked CRASH or FALLING DOWN, you should check this out. It's a creepy, much darker and more horrific version of both, but equally entertaining if you're into the kind of thing that it offers. ~~ NEXT REVIEW: HANNIBAL RISING

Drop Dead Sexy (2005)

'Fargo' beaten with a stick a few hundred times

[3/10 · 7 February 2007]

DROP DEAD SEXY 2005 (JASON LEE, CRISPIN GLOVER) DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL PHILIP ~ THE RUNDOWN: Did you see the title? The cover, perhaps? If so, you knew exactly what you were in for and got exactly what you expected: a lame comedy low on laughs and about as original as the name John. ~ I really shouldn't be reviewing this because there's nothing I can say that the DVD cover doesn't. But, what the hell, I'm a Crispin Glover fan and when I saw it sitting there on the shelf at Blockbuster I couldn't resist. Crispin, as usual, was fun to watch, and the rest of the cast was nicely assembled and actually gave the movie quite a bit of life even though Jason Lee is as annoying as an elderly driver. I guess the other good thing about it was that, at only seventy-nine minutes in length aside from the credits, it was nice and short. Still, it was essentially a complete waste of my time except of course I'm an avid Glover fan, which at least gives me some sort of excuse even though you probably don't have one. ~ Aside from extremely occasional chuckle-worthy moments, the movie's attempts at causing laughter are cheesy, predictable and absolutely futile, good enough only for stupid teenagers and/or people very high on something. The premise of the movie is ridiculous, cheap and slightly more generic than Dr. Thunder, and pans out like a deformed Cohen Bros movie. Those films are, of course, brilliantly written, while this was lazily written at best, chocked full of a complete lack of imagination.

Collateral (2004)

Did Mann call a 1-800 # for this?

[7/10 · 5 February 2007]

COLLATERAL 2004 (TOM CRUISE, JAMIE FOXX) DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL MANN ~ THE RUNDOWN: Great acting, writing and a little style separate this from your typical action movie, but it's definitely overrated and rarely manages to rise above ordinary. ~ Wow, what an ending! 'Oh my God, I can't believe that lawyer from the beginning was the sixth hit! Oh my God, I hope no one gets killed!' Yeah right. Everything about the last twenty minutes of this was cheap. Plain cheap. It's true, there's some really great scenes in this movie, and some really great writing, especially in the dialog. Also, Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise have excellent on-screen chemistry together; their performances seem inspired. Nonetheless, when everything's all said and done you're left with a bad taste in your mouth and in your mind you're saying to yourself...my intelligence has been insulted...why should I think of this movie as anything more than 'Speed'. The basic premise of the story seems as if it was given to Mann after calling a 1-800 #...seriously, just read the IMDb.COM synopsis: A cab driver finds himself the hostage of an engaging contract killer as he makes his rounds from hit to hit during one night in LA. He must find a way to save both himself and one last victim. Pretty self-explanatory. I mean, come on, have you never heard of throwing a couple curveballs here and there, Michael Mann. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the lawyer from the beginning turns out to be the sixth hit...cheap, cheap cheap, fake, fake, fake. Still, like I said in its defense, even though the basic premise is generic and the entire film is founded upon clichés, there's some great writing here and I even found myself laughing a few times, not to mention my eyes were glued to my TV screen on more than one occasion. ~ COLLATERAL is an entertaining, well shot, very well acted and well-paced film worthy of my seven-star rating, but just isn't the movie it wants to be.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

Slightly better than Jaws 4

[3/10 · 26 January 2007]

LA CONFIDENTIAL 1997 (KEVIN SPACEY, RUSSELL CROWE, KIM BASINGER) DIRECTED BY CURTIS HANSON ~ THE RUNDOWN: Apart from a juiced-up cast and a slick image, there is absolutely nothing worthwhile about this vastly overrated movie. ~ Okay, I saw LA Confidential right around the same time I saw Jaws: The Revenge, and I can honestly say without joking that this wasn't much better. To back up my outrageous opinion on this movie, I have comprised a list that I will present of why this movie sucks the big one. ~ 1) The premise of the movie is just plain dull! The basic story/concept is ridiculously stupid, boring and pointless, with almost no imagination whatsoever. Nothing of what we are offered draws us in therefore making the act of watching the movie a chore. 2) The script, like the basic story is just bland. Nothing in it has any redeeming value for the viewer; no wit or humor, not enough violence to make a stink; stale, washed-up dialogue...nothing that even begins to entertain. It is very muddled, however, and does succeed at purposely confusing us to try and hide up its retarded, brain-dead story until everything falls oh-so nicely into place for the breathtaking finale...ha, yeah right! 3) There's no originality here, and once you get down to it, this is really just another Tarantino/Pulp Fiction rip-off, not even a good one that. Except, of course, there's no Tarantino! Nope, instead you get the blazing originality of Curtis Hanson, Mr. Lifetime Movie himself. 4) Not an ounce of style is to be found anywhere in the general proximity of this movie. None. That's right, none. So what if it looks good visually? It doesn't even begin to innovate in story or otherwise. Sure, it tries embarrassingly hard to set itself apart with the whole Film-Noir B.S., but the only real category it falls into is your average, commercialized, Hollywood trash category. If you think there's style to be found here, maybe you have a sixth sense for it because I couldn't detect any. 5) For this fifth point, I will draw a comparison between the movie's cast and a baseball player named Barry Bonds...they're both on steroids. Yeah, basically, the overblown acting ensemble of the movie (Spacey, Basinger, Crowe, Devito, Straithairn, Pearce) is absolutely wasted. There are great actors in this movie but their skills are wasted and not challenged at all, making their performances meaningless. The roles that they play are generic and turn these fine actors into robots for the entire length of the movie. 6) Kim Basinger is effin weird. ~ In the IMDb.COM trivia section it says how this was supposed to be a TV show starring Kiefer Sutherland. Ha. Well, I am quite confident this particular episode of pointlessness and boredom would not have made the greatest hits compilation.

The Illusionist (2006)

If this were a beer it'd be called Prestige Light.

[6/10 · 25 January 2007]

THE ILLUSIONIST 2006 (EDWARD NORTON, JESSICA BIEL, PAUL GIAMIATTI) DIRECTED BY: NEIL BURGER ~ THE RUNDOWN: A well acted, nicely polished piece of entertainment, but made with little passion and little drama. ~ It's hard to say exactly what this movie's missing; the performances are fun to watch, especially that freaky Rufus Sewell guy, and, as always, Edward Norton is amazing as well as Giamatti; it is entertaining in an old-fashioned, mystery type of way; and it's beautifully shot, but I think that's part of the problem - it's too beautiful...too old-fashioned...too much like a movie that tries too hard to impress us with its image and not engage us enough with its story. To compare it with 2006's The Prestige, a film about the same subject, the Prestige simply crushes the Illusionist when it comes to "movie magic", relying very little on CGI and reaching our hearts through an amazing script about humanity...the strive for success, the need to be loved and at the same time showing us how magic really exists in our modern world. The Illusionist, on the other hand, is simply more superficial in nature and would work better as like a thirty-minute TV show. The big twist at the end would be very satisfying for avid TV watchers just after a commercial break, but, seriously, when your making a movie around it you shouldn't just have the viewer sit and wait with little to no hints just to fill up time and then hit them with it and expect a big hooray. ~ Overall, this actually is worth watching because it is indeed entertaining, well acted and interesting, but don't feel bad either if you decide to skip it.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

2006's Napoleon Dynamite!!!

[8/10 · 21 January 2007]

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE 2006 (TONI COLLETE, GREG KINNEAR, STEVE CARELL) DIRECTED BY: JONATHAN DAYTON & VALERIE FARIS ~ THE RUNDOWN: 'Little Miss Sunshine' is possibly the year's funniest film; a highly entertaining social commentary of originality and realism made with care. ~ When it comes to quirkiness and unintentional laughter it doesn't quite pack the wallop of Napoleon Dynamite, and even though the movie's funny in a satirical, realistic way instead of being goofy, it is comparable due to the pure originality and style of it in an increasingly formulaic genre plagued with clichés and stupidity. Also, it's really well shot and visually appealing. ~ It's true that people love to laugh at themselves; the best humor comes from simply observing ourselves, our families, our friends and the situations of the world that we live in. And, that's what 'Sunshine' does; as this family embarks on a troubled journey to help a family member take on her dreams it acts as a mirror that, through dialog, emotions, and comical situations, realistically reflects the silliness of our lives and the so-called horrors that haunt us on our road to death. Of course, 'Little Miss Sunshine' is indeed a little on the unlikely side at times and does side with conventionality quite a bit to get the necessary laughs, which isn't a bad thing because there's no reason to rely on quirkiness alone when you have brilliant acting and ingenious writing at your disposal. However, the only real negative aspect of the movie that comes to mind is the fact that it really is too depressing at times; this is after all a comedy, and its dramatics interfere too often with the film. ~ There's no doubt about it - this is a special movie...the type of movie that only comes around once a year on average, and is the type of the movie that when you see it, you know you're watching something unusually good. Overall, it's definitely worth a watch, and depending on who you are, it'll be worth many more.

Black Christmas (2006)

Killer Trannies Kick Ass!

[6/10 · 10 January 2007]

BLACK XMAS 2006 (KATIE CASSIDY, MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG, OLIVER HUDSON, ROBERT MANN) DIRECTED BY: GLEN MORGAN ~ THE RUNDOWN: Morgan takes a big ol' Christmas sh*t on the first one and goes all out, decking the halls with boughs of 'gory' in this 80s-style throwback. ~ Finally, enough with that PG-13 horsesh*t; the WHEN A STRANGER CALLS remake this year was atrocious, as well as the pathetic WICKER MAN remake. Thank God Glen Morgan has some class! The critics may not ever like him but the 03 WILLIARD remake was quite possibly the best remake of any genre since Carpenter's THE THING, and, for what it is, BLACK XMAS is a grand success. Sure, the acting's generic, the plot's muddled, and it doesn't come close to capturing the creepy, suspenseful aura of the original that influenced HALLOWEEN; for example, the prank calls in this one are comical. But, my God, that old bore-fest is about as appealing today as a Hilary Duff movie. You see, the genius of this BLACK XMAS is that it doesn't try to recapture what made the first one, for that would be an impossible and not so practical task. Morgan instead takes the set-up of the first one and gives horror fans a nice, very-watchable Holiday treat in the tradition of SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE and Friday THE 13TH. With Bob Clark serving as executive producer, the dark humor of the first one is still present and really acts as the prime impetus for the movie's success; I mean, seriously, this movie has it all: child abuse, killer trannies, skin diseases, sex, and enough blood to fill Santa's slay...all the stuff sickos aren't seeing enough of these days in mainstream horror. And there's some great one-liners in here too. ~ We're in the age of remakes, there's no doubt about it. But, how should filmmakers go about doing these remakes? Well, there's lots of different ways to go about them. But, what the hell's the point of simply using the original and then just changing bits here and there at will, like in the 06 OMEN remake this past year? And what the hell's the point of doing a Van Sant shot-to-shot remake? I mean, who do these guys think they are? and why are they wasting their time? These questions are of course hypothetical, but it seems to me the best way to go about a remake is taking the original's premise and then re-imagining it for the purpose of entertainment - accomplished nicely here. All in all, as an avid fan of horror, this movie left me with a zesty, refreshing taste in my mouth. Although, from an objective standpoint, there's no innovation here, and, yes, this movie could quite easily be perceived as absolutely pointless. But, still, killer trannies kick ass! ~~ UPCOMING REVIEWS: 'LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE', 'THE ILLUSIONIST'.

The Holiday (2006)

The Holiday...AKA...The Cheesefest

[4/10 · 1 January 2007]

THE HOLIDAY 2006 (KATE WINSLET, CAMERON DIAZ, JUDE LAW, JACK BLACK) DIRECTED BY: NANCY MEYERS ~ THE RUNDOWN: Nancy Meyers asked Santa for something special, instead he left the moron a pre-packaged cheese fest chocked full of enough sentiment to fill a baseball field. ~ Okay, just as a warning to like the four people who are actually going to read this review, it's a bit complicated, because within it, I'm not only going to try and sort out the mess that is this sickeningly bad romantic comedy, but also define 'Chick Flick' along the way. ~ First off, I might as well state the obvious - this movie was unnecessarily long, including some random subplot about an old man that Meyers apparently threw in there just to be a bitch, or maybe to just give all the idiots in the theatre something extra to cry about towards the end. I really don't know. Secondly, this is listed on IMDb.com as a comedy, yet the most that came out of me was a muffled chuckle at the hands of Hoffman's cameo in Blockbuster. And this fact that I didn't laugh was not my fault; I know what's funny...this isn't. If you are a man who saw this and laughed more than twice you were A) High on a bad dose of Holiday Cheer B) Drunk off of Egg Nog and whiskey, or C) Held at gunpoint. Simple as that. Thirdly, DIE CAMERON DIAZ!!! My God, she's not even hot anymore! Her face has turned as disgusting as her acting, which, by looking at her resume, has gone nowhere...unlike the careers of Jude Law (filling in for Hugh Grant's day off) and Kate Winslet which immediately took dives on the day this came out. Jack Black, on the other hand, was good, and served as the only charming thing about this movie, making up for his mediocre looks and going with the whole "I'm full of energy" thing again. ~ Often, this movie somehow manages to waiver in and out of Chick Flick territory instead of just staying there the whole time. It is, afterall, well shot, and its messages about love are true and relate to just about everyone. Yet, by the end, it had taken too many trips to this Chick Flick Land and ended up getting trapped there. But, what exactly constitutes a 'chick flick'? Well, I've put much thought into the matter and I've concluded that it's simply a term used to describe movies that are stupid - movies plagued by implausible, clichéd scripts usually founded upon the stereotypical viewpoint of relationships. Chick Flicks seem to, most of the time, fall into the Romantic Comedy genre, but can go elsewhere and can really be about anything, as long as they're composed of stupidity and made for the purpose of cute but ridiculous entertainment. Now, I'm really not sexist at all, and I don't believe women are somehow naturally prone to like stupid movies, especially since both women and men seem to agree on the all-time greats like The Godfather and The Shawshank Redemption. So, although the name is a fallacy, it seems women have been conditioned to prefer these films...but that's for you to think about because this is a movie review and not a lecture. My point, I guess, is that The Holiday is indeed a chick flick, basically saying its a predictable, extremely clichéd, sickeningly sentimental excursion about love created to entertain people that simply haven't seen enough good movies. ~~ NEXT REVIEW: 'BLACK XMAS'

Apocalypto (2006)

Passion of the Native People

[7/10 · 31 December 2006]

APOCALYPTO 2006 (RUDY YOUNGBLOOD) DIRECTED BY: MEL Gibson ~ THE RUNDOWN: Mel Gibson saves money on actors and instead doesn't skimp in indulging his now obvious lust for blood...and, hey, that's fine by me. ~ Gibson's newest film serves better as a horror movie than anything else. It's far too simplistic to act as your typical epic since the entire plot could be explained about as quickly as any of the 'Texas Chainsaw' flicks, but it's also far more entertaining and doesn't try to over-step itself, meaning it knows its just a movie and acts as so throughout. For instance, although the people in this film may have been born and raised in the jungle, their physical durability and resilience is more than a little incredible, and the screenplay also gives new meaning to the word 'coincidence' on at least two occasions that come to mind. Also, in addition to APOCALYPTO'S implausibility, Jaguar Poo...or whatever his name is, isn't someone I related to very much, and would have liked to have cared more about him and his freaky cave family. ~ Basically, it's obvious Gibson didn't have 'greatness' in mind by any means. Yet, he did accomplish more than just gore and entertainment value; from beginning to end this film is very well shot, and Gibson showcases his immense talent behind the camera by effectively tackling the challenge of the film's setting, paying attention to detail and not selling out by dubbing in English or anything like that . Overall, it's a wild and very memorable experience...all you can really ask for.

Rocky Balboa (2006)

Rocky on Viagra.

[5/10 · 31 December 2006]

ROCKY BALBOA 2006 (SYLVESTER STALLONE, GERALDINE HUGHES, ANTONIO TARVER) DIRECTED BY: SYLVESTER STALLONE ~ THE RUNDOWN: After bringing his career to all new heights with Spy Kids 3, Stallone gives us this pointless, predictable and far-fetched 'Rocky' installment. ~ Boy, ol' Sylvester sure is confident of his abilities, isn't he? After disastrous RAMBO and ROCKY sequels, he comes back again writing and directing this cute, happy-go-lucky piece of trash. And, yet, people like it. Why? I don't know...I do know that this egomaniac has no imagination and doesn't have the ability to make films. Here he too easily slips into a retired boxing champion who not only helps the poor and lovingly visits his deceased wife everyday but comes back and gives the modern Mike Tyson a run for his money even though he's almost old enough to be the guy's grandfather. Sure, and one day I'm going to beat Kobe Bryant one on one in basketball. ~ If you haven't seen this yet, do yourself a favorite and just watch the original a few more times, because that's how pointless this new one is. It's as if someone wanted to do a remake and Sylvester came in and said: "Hey, that sounds like a good idea, except I want to be in it because I seem to magically not age, so I'll utilize my awesome writing skills and just make some alterations to the original screenplay...you know, give him a cane or something." ~ Seriously though, I know there are many out there like myself who were rooting for the other guy at the end. Which is not a good thing. But, unless you're an aging Italian who is prejudiced against blacks and/or the youth of America, the movie really doesn't give you a reason to root for Rocky. Too often the screenplay sympathizes with Tarver's character, making him way too likable way too much. In the end, both Stallone and his ego go down for the count in this Hollywood-smothered bore.

An American Haunting (2005)

Old People with Long Hair

[2/10 · 10 December 2006]

AN AMER. HAUNTING 2005 (DONALD SUTHERLAND, SISSY SPACEK) DIRECTED BY: COURTNEY SOLOMON ~ THE RUNDOWN: An extremely boring movie in which a toned-down 'Exorcist' scene gets repeated over and over again. ~ The most entertaining AND frightening thing about this horrible movie was watching Sutherland's towering, Gandalf-looking character lurch about with his long, flowing set of white hair. I know senior citizens should be able to have long hair if they want to, I'm not being prejudiced or anything, but still, it's freaky. This movie, though, just SUCKED. And, if you haven't seen it, heed my warning and don't. It was so boring, I found myself preferring to watch my computer's screen-saver instead of this junk. Honestly, I could come up with ten million better things to do with your time than to watch a scene from the Exorcist get repeated every three minutes to fill up their precious ninety minutes! Which really is about the jist of it - a girl getting slapped and generally just terrorized in her bed every night by an evil spirit with absolutely no innovation in story or production. They try to make amends with a pretty decent twist at the end that may actually give some viewers a reason to turn on their noggins. But, it's a sure sign that you've watched a bad movie when the big revelation would have made for better entertainment had it been revealed about...oh... sixty-five minutes earlier than it was. ~ The stellar cast...completely wasted as expected, except, perhaps, for James D'Arcy who did manage to put forth some personality. And, yeah, so what if this movie looks really good, it's just more proof that looks are nothing and that when looks are the only thing you have going for you, you are a completely inept filmmaker.

The Village (2004)

Beware the bad color...for it attracts Roger Ebert...

[10/10 · 9 December 2006]

THE VILLAGE 2004 (BRYCE HOWARD, JOAQUIN PHOENIX, WILLIAM HURT) DIRECTED BY: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN ~ THE RUNDOWN: Shyamalan stays true to form in 2004, giving audiences around the world another stunning piece of style and originality. ~ First off, let me offer an oxymoron when looking at my rating and make clear the film is far from perfect. It's true, one could find several plot holes if looked for hard enough, but, then again, it IS just a movie. Also, the pacing is definitely off as the movie winds down too slowly. And, lastly, if you're a smartass just looking for a reason to blast this film to pieces from the start, you will find much of the dialogue laughable and may be monstrously harsh on a plot that isn't always sound. ~ But, my God, there's so much style to be found here. The detail and innovation of Shyamalan's craft is reminiscent of Kubrick's. M. Night creates a world within a world, a unique and completely captivating tale that has the ability to swamp those with imaginations as lively as his. The cinematography by Roger Deakins is pure art, and the Oscar nominated sound-score by James Newton Howard is eerily alluring, crawling deep inside of you and lingering far after the film is done. With only four major films in under five years under his belt, all of them widely successful, M. Night Shyamalan was able to achieve something the immensely overrated and under-talented Spielberg never did: an identifiable mark on each and every one of his movies, something I truly respect about the man. (Shyamalan that is) He goes against the grain and you can tell that he's more concerned about making movies with passion instead of Oscars in mind like Spielberg did with MUNICH~ Of course, THE VILLAGE is not just a case of style over substance. There's great entertainment to be found here, entertainment that may not be all that entertaining to today's more youthful audiences whose minds are constantly yearning for sex, excessive violence and Hollywood clichés, but rather a touching love story and some suspense that may just catch you off guard. I'll admit, the big twist at the end is something some people just won't go for, but for some, like myself and many others I know, it will cash in big time and may leave you breathless if you keep yourself vulnerable to it. And (forgive me if I'm being long-winded) but this movie has brains and deserves several viewings for those who will want to find out what Shyamalan's trying to say about human nature.