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jonclynch
Reviews
Death on the Nile (2022)
Death of Death on the Nile
Massively disappointing. The first 10 minutes or so into it, I wondered if I'd put the wrong film on. *edit- And it's entirely in French with no subtitles, so if you don't speak the language you won't have a clue what's happening!* We were treated to an entirely unnecessary Poirot back story in monochrome, set in the trenches of WWI. When it finally got going, Poirot was in a rowdy nightclub, somewhere this character would avoid like the PLAGUE, with two of the main characters dancing in a vulgar and provocative manner. Poirot is supposed to overhear two people speaking, and this would have been impossible in this scenario. Then we had the obligatory 'inclusiveness' and rewriting of social history that we've come to expect and accept with a sigh and a groan, but hey. We then get to Egypt to find Bouc, Poirot's friend, who isn't even in this story! At that moment, I switched off. Also, as much as I admire Gal Gadot, she can't pass for a 20 year old, a fact that's pivotal to the plot. My advice? Watch the David Suchet version, it's far superior and sticks closer to the book.
Fearless (2020)
Fun for kids
If you can get past the blatant 'wokeness' it's harmless enough. Like millions of others, I'm tiring of the desperate attempts to present white males as clueless, or, more to the point, all females (especially POC) as strong and intelligent. These cringeworthy attempts to avoid stereotypes and clichés are just stacking them up on the other side. Get some balance, please! As for the film itself, the female lead's voice was flat and unconvincing, and the storyline was a bit weird. The incidental music was good, until it cut to some God-awful modern dreck (honestly, can nobody sing without auto-tune these days??) that had me chewing on the remote. Other than this, it was OK and had some funny moments. Not the best, but still fun.
Just Beyond (2021)
Just Beyond Awful
Cheap, dull, unoriginal, won't appeal to anyone over 9 years old. Absolutely cringe worthy. By the third episode you wonder why they bothered. My kids gave up halfway through episode 3. I defy anyone with taste to get further.
The Girl Before (2021)
Ignore the haters!
This was never going to be a fast-paced thriller, nor was it meant to be. It was stylish, brilliantly acted, seemlessly edited, and intelligent (perhaps that's what some people struggled with?). It had an interesting premise: if you move into this house you have to abide by the rules. This story dealt with abusive and controlling relationships, trust, loss, and toxic masculinity (possibly another trigger for haters who label anything that deals with this subject as 'woke'). A great effort by the BBC. Jessica Plummer deserves an award for her performance. And David Oyelowo was superb.
Dolittle (2020)
Very disappointing
We were really looking forward to watching this, as the trailers looked fun.
Sadly, it was a mess. I've seen other reviews that say how good the animal voice overs were, but these people must have been watching a different film. Despite the all-star cast, the animal voices were mismatched and seriously bad to the point of being embarrassing. It was set in Victorian times, but some animals had modern-sounding American accents and used modern phrases. We gave up after 35 minutes as the whole thing lacked any magic or sparkle, even with the brilliant Michael Sheen or Jim Broadbent lending their considerable skills. The plot was poor and the script was stilted and flat. There were a few laughs, but it was desperately weak overall. A major disappointment that should be avoided and forgotten.
The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019)
Could have matched the first one, ruined by the music!
The terrible music absolutely ruined what could have been a cool, funny, exciting film, which is what we expect from Lego!
Great characters, snappy dialogue, crazy plot, but the modern R&B type songs were way too long and grated on the nerves.
Very disappointing.
Jungle Cruise (2021)
Don't take it too seriously!
Okay, it's 2021 and film makers are trying to impose modern thinking on the past and try to right some wrongs retrospectively. So we now get movies set in the past with strong, smart, feisty females taking on the world and upsetting the status quo. Men back then seem to be mostly bad/weak/misogynistic/chauvinistic etc. Which, to be fair, doesn't seem far from the truth at times. This is fine, as long as the point isn't laboured too much during a movie that it becomes tedious. Emily Blunt does very well in Jungle Cruise, blazing a trail for feminism by wearing trousers and taking on the stuffy male establishment as well as the numerous bad guys. I initially thought that Jack Whitehall was going to remain as the wimpy brother to balance things out (as he couldn't possibly upstage a woman now could he??) but he actually shows some backbone and redeems himself. Anyway, the film is a mix of humour, action, adventure and silliness in the style of Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean. Throw in some dodgy CGI animals and Dwayne Johnson telling some seriously bad jokes, and you have a watchable piece of fun with some exciting moments and a few good laughs. Just don't take it too seriously and you'll be fine.
A Tale Dark & Grimm (2021)
Superb mix of Grimm folklore and twisted humour
Me and my family loved this! Yes, it's dark and twisted, but it's great fun. It's a delicious weaving of old Grimm fairytales with sense of humour and some excellent animation. All of the tales are cleverly melded together into one, with some laughs along the way. It comes together well at the end, and the has a brilliantly haunting theme tune that is woven into parts of the story. I don't give 10* lightly, but this deserves it!
The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021)
Weak, overly political, and ultimately dull
Remember the days when superheroes fought supervillains? Well they're gone. Today's heroes are conflicted, the lines between good and bad are blurred. This mini series overindulges in soul-searching and hand-wringing. Do we really need reminding how bad racism is? We get it, it was bad when Captain America first came on the scene, and it's still bad (especially in the US). I watch Marvel to escape reality. This is bleak, political, and with too many sub-plots. Unlike others, I did watch it to the end, but was glad when it finished. There's some good action but it's ultimately dull. For me, the best character is Zemo. Karli Morgenthau is thoroughly unconvincing as a revolutionary /terrorist leader, and the new Captain America is an absolute joke. Sorry, but this is a big nope from me. Marvel needs to get back to making solid hero vs villain stuff.
Black Widow (2021)
Not perfect but good fun in the end
It's an odd film. Starts off a bit slowly but soon gets going. There's some good action and fight sequences. But it does fall down in places and the plot is a bit weak. Ray Winston was badly miscast, with a strange cockney/new York cabbie/faux Russian accent. It all starts off quite serious but there are a few much-needed laughs. And the main saving grace was Florence Pugh, who complety stole the show. We enjoyed it in the end, just don't take it too seriously!
Free Guy (2021)
Good fun but not a classic
If you're a Ryan Reynolds fan, you'll probably enjoy this. It's a fun idea, if a little unoriginal, and most of the funny parts were in the trailers. To be honest, Jody Comer's talents were wasted on this film, though you could see she was having fun, and who can blame her? And if Ryan Reynolds wasn't the lead, I doubt that it would have worked at all! Worth a look for a bit of Saturday night entertainment, but it's not one you'll want to watch over and over.
The Dig (2021)
Nostalgic and well crafted
Yes, there were a few inaccuracies and a bit of poetic license, but all in all this was a thoroughly enjoyable film that captured the amazing discovery of the the Anglo-Saxon ship burial at Woodbridge in Suffolk by Basil Brown and his team. It really gives a sense of the times, serving as a history lesson in itself while portraying the discovery one of the most valuable and important archaeological finds in the world. Great stuff!
102 Dalmatians (2000)
Bad in every way possible
Dear God, where do I begin? I knew it was a bad idea from the moment the titles started, an interminable 'song' about "digga digga dog' had me chewing my own elbows after 30 seconds. This went on for way too long while we were treated to all the credits that usually bore you at the end, accompanied by a white background and flying black spots. When this finally ended, the film start and that's when things really went downhill. Unfunny, atrocious acting, and a parrot you want to use as a shuttlecock. Avoid if you value your sanity. We lasted 20 minutes before switching off.
The Secret: Dare to Dream (2020)
Not for cynics!
Seriously, how cynical and jaded do you have to be to hate this movie so bad you give it less than 5 stars? OK, so it's not a blockbuster and it is predictable, but it gives a spot on message for the times. It's the perfect antidote to the current pandemic age, and a refreshing change to the ultra-violent trash currently filling the minds of our screens today. We enjoyed it as a family without having to worry about anything inappropriate or upsetting. Just enjoy it for what it is- a feelgood movie that encourages us to be better. What's so wrong about that?
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)
Big budget nonsense
I looked forward to watching this as a spin off from Fast and Furious and to be fair it was entertaining in parts. The fight scenes were especially spectacular and the car chases were well made and entertaining. However, the plot was weak and I can only assume that the 'comedy' was aimed at the 12 year olds able to see the film because of the certification. It was so silly it was just embarrassing in places. The whole thing was just too far-fetched and should have been about an hour shorter. Oh, and unless you have seriously bad taste in music or are under 16, you'll cringe at the nauseating soundtrack, which is stuffed with the vapid drone of hip-hop. Overall it's a bit of fun, but I won't bother with any sequel if it appears.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014)
Nowhere near as bad as some of these reviews suggest!
OK, so it's probably not the best Jack Ryan film, but by no means is it the worst (Sum of all fears, I'm looking at YOU). To be fair, the big names help to carry it along and Brannagh's direction works well if a little slowly. I personally don't rate Keira Knightly that highly, but she makes a fair attempt at an American accent and plays har part well. There were a couple of plot holes, but on the whole it was watchable and pretty enjoyable. As action thrillers go, it's a bit of harmless fun - don't let those low ratings put you off! Not sure what those viewers were expecting, but this film was not as bad as they say.
Joshua (2007)
Lacking in every way.
Bad acting, zero tension, jarring piano sounds, screaming baby, and characters so unlikeable you're just waiting for something bad to happen to them. After 40 minutes I was still waiting for some drama, horror, or something 'thrilling'! Absolute waste of time.
Lucy (2014)
The drugs don't work
While it offers some interesting concepts, it failed to deliver in the end. Morgan Freeman was good, as always. Scarlet Johansson was passable, though barely changed her expression of vague bewilderment throughout the movie. There were a few good fight sequences, but it got so caught up in its own philosophical ideas that it lost its way. The insertion of clips from Discovery Channel type documentaries was unnecessary and distracting, and some of the special effects were unconvincing. Overall, it didn't really know which genre it wanted to be. Thinking of watching? Do yourself a favour and watch the trailers; they contain all the best bits!
The Old Guard (2020)
Enjoyable silliness but my God, that MUSIC!!
Great fight scenes, shot well in good locations. Acted OK, with a couple of exceptions. Plot was slightly dubious, needed more of a fantasy feel to carry it properly as per the graphic novel. But, yikes. That music was wrong wrong wrong! They could not have chosen worse tracks if they tried, unless they'd used the soundtrack to some lame US college 'comedy'. Seriously, change those tracks and you'd transform the movie. Get inspiration from The Matrix or Blade Trinity.
The Three Musketeers (2011)
Oh dear...
I can only assume that when they were given the book, the makers of this film smoked it along with mind-altering drugs. And that they made it their mission to find the least-suitable actors for each role and told them it was a pantomime. What it lacked in credibility it overcompensated with special effects that were so over the top as to be laughable. To be fair, there were a couple of funny scenes, but the script was surely cobbled together by drunken chimpanzees. They squeezed some expletives in to make it seem 'post ironic' or something. This failed. To cap it all, if you have to shoehorn James Corden into a film for 'comedy effect' then you've already set the bar pretty low. The most positive thing I can say about this excresence is that it is to everyone's immense relief that a sequel has never materialised. Oh, and the 2 stars are out if pity for several of the actors who I know are better than this.