Hayden-86055 Reviews

Gravity (2013)

I DESPISE this film

[2/10 · 1 May 2024]

Gravity, where do I start? Good things out of the way first, the visuals are nice...for 2013....they are good for 2013. The script is dreadful, the film is slow, painful and disgustingly dull. The characters are boring, I don't care about them in the slightest. Sandra Bullock is usually good, but here she is awful.

The plot is dreadful, one of the worst I've ever seen, let's have some action, some rubbish dialogue, some George Clooney thrown in for good measure. Now it's time for the main part of the film, sorry, did I say the main part? I meant some ridiculous and dull scenes from Bullock about travelling 100 miles to the Chinese space station and then some absurdly hilarious scenes of her crying over dogs. It's pathetic, I hate this film, I hate how people somehow like it, like seals clapping along with the critics who only liked it 11 years ago because it had groundbreaking CGI.

Now that its CGI has been surpassed, what does it have? Nothing. Nothing apart from a poor script, bad dialogue, bad plot and horrendous characters.

2/10: Has to be up there for the most overrated film ever.

Inception (2010)

Midception

[6/10 · 30 April 2024]

Inception is a highly overrated film. But it's still solid, and I would recommend it potentially based on the viewer.

There are many reasons to dislike Inception, a lack of emotional depth, huge pacing issues, predictability and an overemphasis on the concept of shared dreams rather than the plot.

Let us be honest, the characters are rather dull. And the film is so overly complex it thinks it's the next Matrix, it's not, it's no where near as good. Visually, Inception is stunning, and Leonardo DiCaprio is excellent as always but this does not excuse the poor plot, the music is good however.

6/10: Confusing, forgettable, but has moments of brilliance. Most likely if someone says it's a 10/10 they're likely just following the crowd.

Lights Out (II) (2016)

Extremely cliched and bogstandard horror flick

[2/10 · 26 April 2024]

American horror movies usually try nothing new, this is one of those. Forgettable characters, poor monsters, no good or unique locations or scares, bad dialogue, etc...

I can barely remember the whole film, I think I may have fell asleep out of boredom. Hated every second of it.

The music is bogstandard, monster is bogstandard, everything about it is bogstandard and it tries NOTHING new. I'm very shocked that anyone would even entertain this film as decent and there seems to be some sort of nationwide hold mediocre horror films have on the average consumer, we need some more unique films.

2/10: Complete trash.

Bigfoot: The Conspiracy (2020)

Poor acting, terrible story, and not enough Bigfoot

[2/10 · 24 April 2024]

I really hated this film, I found it funny how poor it was but apart from that it didn't have anything redeeming. The protagonist was dull, not particularly likable owing to the fact he had zero character and his lack of chemistry with his wife was daunting.

My biggest critique was the jumbled plot, extreme lack of Bigfoot scenes, the lack of scares and terrible characters. For example, the three main agents meet up with an analytical agent, offer her no information, she offers them none and then they all leave. Why did this meeting happen at a "secret location" (where they all wear black suits and glasses and stick out like sore thumbs) I don't know, but it did. Also, why did the agents at the end break into Dante's parents in law's house and then suddenly do a 180 at the end and shoot at the rogue agent, it was all ridiculous. The director takes himself far too seriously for the tripe he keeps putting out, and the 10 star reviews on IMDB all seem to be from family and friends most likely.

2/10: Apart from some decent natural cinematography there is not much to look forward to here.

Werewolf Cabal (2022)

Werewolf "cabal"?

[3/10 · 4 March 2024]

Werewolf Cabal is not a very good film, but I do appreciate that the director and crew members possibly tried a little harder than the usual low budget horror films.

The acting is generally rather poor, Derek Nelson and Antonia Whillans have literally minus chemistry and the rest of the cast are very wooden and unemotive, apart from Jon Paul Gates. Who, as usual puts out a very enthusiastic if over the top performance, but he was easily the best actor of the film. Another positive is the surprisingly good werewolf costume and practical effects and gore, I enjoyed that. The music was average at best, but at least it was consistent and the musical chords seemed to follow the moment successfully.

The plot was bad, very bad, and didn't make much sense. The ending was disappointing and introduced multiple new characters for about 5 minutes of screen time, wholly unnecessary it could have ended far better if we just saw that the main character had also turned into a werewolf.

3/10: Has a few positive aspects, and is generally enjoyable but is brought down by a weak protagonist and a bad story.

The Loch Ness Horror (2023)

Boredom emerges

[1/10 · 4 March 2024]

Absolute tripe, complete rubbish. One of the worst films I've ever had the displeasure of watching. I hated the plot, the acting, the characters, the special effects, the poorly lit environments and sets and absolutely dreadful cinematography.

The bulk of the film, basically nothing happens. When the Loch Ness Monster does appear it is poorly designed and basically just shakes the ship/submarine with minimal horror or fun action, I can't stress enough how awful this film is and should never have ever been made.

1/10: Cheesy, uninteresting, silly, cheap and an insult to quality low budget filmmakers everywhere.

Bee Movie (2007)

The Bee Movie

[5/10 · 23 February 2024]

The Bee Movie is an extremely memeable film, it's kind of hilarious in the sort of ridiculous way you'd get drunk at a party and laugh at literally whatever is on the tv.

Jerry Seinfield is ok as the lead, but I've always hated the man since he went after a 17 year old when he was 39, that's beyond creepy and I'm surprised he still has a huge audience nowadays.

The plot is somewhat unique in its Bee material, but that doesn't make it good. The jokes are generally lackluster but the film has some very funny moments, Ken and Vanessa are quite funny and I enjoyed seeing about all the different Bee jobs. Unfortunately, a lot of the film is nonsensical, childish and dull. But, again, the film has some great parts.

5/10: It's average, it's not the worst but I wouldn't rewatch. It is somewhat unique, which is good, but it doesn't justify enough for multiple watches.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Enjoyable adventure

[7/10 · 22 February 2024]

Dungeons and Dragons is a good film. Chris Pine is great as the lead and it's nice to see Sophia Lillis getting more roles. Hugh Grant eats up every scene he's in however, and makes an excellent and slightly sympathetic villain.

The plot is rather jumbled, but it makes sense within the context of how chaotic Dungeons and Dragons is. I think the film is overall not that memorable but it's very enjoyable whilst you're watching and the action scenes and CGI are very strong. A lot of the jokes actually landed instead of being cringe.

7/10: I was tempted to give it a 6, but it's not easy making a good video game adaption so it gets a 7 just about.

Corpse Bride (2005)

The usual Tim Burton fare

[7/10 · 18 February 2024]

I enjoyed Corpse Bride, I think it's a good film with a very interesting style. Not as iconic as a Nightmare before Christmas but still good. It's ultra gothic, which I think is where Burton excels the most and it's very dreary. Even the alive characters look mostly dead.

The voice cast is excellent, it always amazes me when Johnny Depp puts on another voice so expert you can't even tell it's him. I loved the main cast a lot here and it was nice to see Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson and Christopher Lee have a role.

The music is good but no masterpiece tracks here.

The plot has a great premise but can come across a bit barebones and would have benefited from a bit more depth, Victor and his alive bride to be Victoria only really share two moments together in the entire film!

7/10: A good watch, and it's under 80 minutes so kids hopefully won't get too bored.

Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit (2011)

An infinitely worse version of Kung Fu Panda

[1/10 · 10 February 2024]

I despise this film, the main character is idiotic, extremely unlikeable and has no personality beyond being a complete and utter joke. The plot is so simplistic and boring me and my friends practically fell asleep whilst watching.

The soundtrack is terrible, the animation is very low rate and has basically no redeeming features, and apparently this film had a not awful budge too; which makes it worse.

The only two even slight positives I can think of is that Michael Clarke Duncan does a decent job voicing the villain (the script doesn't help there) and, surprisingly some of the action in the final battle was averagely choreographed.

1/10: Dreadful, one of the worst children's animated films I have ever seen and I feel sorry for anyone who goes to watch what is apparently a 3rd Kung Fu Rabbit film in the works.

Room for Rent (2019)

Horrendous

[1/10 · 26 January 2024]

I was shocked to see this vile film get many good reviews...even from critics! The protagonist is a pedophile, and a jealous predator. Themes such as growing old and lonely whilst they make her slightly sympathetic do not justify her actions or crimes.

The plot is bare bones and more of a failed drama than a thriller, there's not much action and I hated Lin Shaye in this, her acting was so terrible and the cinematography and music was just awful. The characters were shoehorned in by the director just to tick off specific plot points on their list.

1/10: Never again, I can't believe people can even like this nonsense.

The Starving Games (2013)

Terrible spoof of an amazing franchise

[2/10 · 26 January 2024]

I would highly recommend against watching this cringe fest, 80% of the jokes fell flat and made me just want to watch the proper Hunger Games again.

A couple of the jokes were quite funny but it's one of those films that will become incredibly dated quite fast, I thought the main characters were extremely obnoxious and unlikable. I did, however, quite like Dean West's take on Seneca, he was probably the best acted of the lot. The music was terrible and the forced parodies of anything they thought would make them money is just plain sad.

2/10: Very cringe worthy, reminded me all to much of the disastrous "Epic Movie" from 2007.

Shrek the Musical (2013)

Vulgar, pointless, inferior. Maybe even insuting.

[2/10 · 13 December 2023]

Shrek is a Dreamworks production. It is NOT a Disney film, it is a parody of Disney. In the original Shrek film every single time someone tries to sing an original song they're either shut down, interrupted or told to stop (Shrek cannot tell Donkey enough, no singing). This musical opens up with an actually horrendous and pathetic opening where Shrek's parents send him away.

There's no All Star song when Shrek bursts out of his outhouse, nope, it's a rubbish original song. Talking of the cast, they're all terrible except for Fiona (who has a nice, creative song when she's waiting to be rescued in the tower) and Donkey, although these two actors are only mediocre. Shrek's actor is dreadful.

It gives too much screen time to bad characters, adds nothing to the Shrek universe, does not improve the original Shrek masterpiece and the new dialogue greatly slows down the pace. The humour is also far worse and juvenile.

2/10: Drags, dreadful and an insult to the original. Instead of subverting Disney musicals and traditional fairy tales it plays into them - this adaption does not understand Shrek or even good original songs. The only saving grace is a couple of the songs are watchable, but none are good.

Boar (II) (2017)

Outrageous and gory horror film!

[4/10 · 9 December 2023]

For a low budget horror film Boar is rather inventive. Why is there a giant killer boar the size of a car? We don't know, nobody knows...but there is and it's violent, this is the premise of the film and somehow it works.

The acting is not very good but the energy brought to the cast is admirable, Uncle Bernie is a good character and Ken, whilst starting off as a bit of a creep, becomes a rather heroic character.

The kills and about half on screen and half off, when we actually get to see them they are very bloody and exciting. Another positive is that the practical effects for the boar are very strong, but sometimes it's CGI which is less impressive but understandable and it's difficult to have a puppet run 20mph!

One of the biggest downsides of the film is there are many scenes that I feel are either very unnecessary or drags on far too long, with lots of the lines feeling like they are not needed and add nothing to the story. The side plots generally fall flat and a lot of the characters seem to be sex pests which is really weird.

4/10: Was thinking of giving this a 5, but I think that despite it being a very creative film with its premise and kills with the poor acting, plot, music and dialogue I cannot.

Significant Other (2022)

Unique Sci-Fi horror film with a twist

[7/10 · 1 December 2023]

Significant Other is a very interesting concept for a horror film, where an alien kills and absorbs someone but inherits his love for another. I found it very interesting how the alien dealt with this feeling, and I love the chemistry between the main two actors and the acting was solid.

Some parts drag on a little much and the ending 15 minutes may be seen as confusing or underwhelming to some but I still found it a satisfying conclusion and a scary cliffhanger too.

I think, when you get past the twist and uniqueness of the film on a second viewing it may be less engaging and come across worse than a first viewing.

7/10: Fascinating idea and deserves a watch, if not a rewatch.

White Chicks (2004)

Extremely silly, sometimes funny

[3/10 · 28 November 2023]

White Chicks is a pretty rubbishy film, its premise, whilst potentially funny often relies on juvenile and shamelessly unfunny jokes which makes the overall premise seem less hilarious.

One positive is the acting from main stars Marlon Wayans and Shawn Wayans is actually not that bad, and it's not easy acting in drag or pretending to be a woman. There are very few funny moments in the film like the dinner date one of them has. Also, the makeup deserves praise as it's obvious it's meant to be seen through. However, this can't excuse the rubbish and obnoxious humour for the most part and the lacking intelligence to the jokes.

3/10: Despite a few funny moments, overall this film is a joke itself.

Barbie as Rapunzel (2002 Video)

Childish but a solid film

[6/10 · 28 November 2023]

Barbie as Rapunzel follows much the same vein as the other historical/fairytale Barbie films. The plot is strong and it's great to see Rapunzal with a slightly feminist twist before the amazing Disney film that is tangled.

The Maiden in the Tower archetype or cliche goes all the way back to even pre Christian Europe with pagan tales, Barbie as Rapunzel follows the story very closely and I enjoyed the storyline. The voice acting is average, except for Anjelica Huston who is fantastic in her role as the baddie Dame Gothel who is extra villainous and always steals the screen presence whenever she's on. I found the talking dragon and rabbit to be unnecessary and childish and they sometimes take away from the making any of it serious, but for very young children they'll be good to make sure they're never scared of the villain or mild peril associated with the film.

The slightly feminist reversal of the Rapunzel tale is that Rapunzel rescues herself, not the Prince rescuing her. I liked this as it's a good twist to subvert expectations and I also liked the Prince's character, I thought he was one dimensional and stereotypical but he was quite sweet and wholesome.

6/10: Good storyline, the CGI is a little dated but definitely makes them look like dolls (if they were going for that effect) nice themes, and a brilliant villain.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008 Video)

Crazy, bloody, fun

[4/10 · 27 November 2023]

Return to Sleepaway Camp is a huge treat for the fans of the original trilogy, Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten and Paul DeAngelo all return in their respective roles. Tiersten and DeAngelo aren't the best actors but Tiersten absolutely gives it his all.

The plot is terrible, and apart from the one twist at the end held few surprises. However, I have huge praise for the amount of bloody and exciting kills we get, and they're actually all really creative, being killed in different ways. The main character is a loner and a creep towards women and is simultaneously bullied and feared. The music is not great and the dialogue is simplistic and unimaginative.

4/10: A lot of fun, with a surprisingly high amount of creativity put into the kills.

Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (1992 Video)

Shocked this was even allowed to be released

[1/10 · 26 November 2023]

This film is dreadful and should be avoided at all costs, it's hugely made up of footage from the original trilogy with maybe some deleted or alternative shots thrown in. There's no new kills, only two new "characters" (people who appear for a minute or two) and the new soundtrack is awful. Terrible film.

The new footage and actors are terrible, none of it is edited and the sound quality is extremely poor with lots of background noises and sometimes barely being able to hear the actors. The old scenes are often strung together at a bad attempt to create a new narrative based on flashbacks.

1/10: Appalled this was allowed to be published.

Goodnight Mommy (2014)

Mixed Austrian Thriller

[5/10 · 23 November 2023]

Goodnight Mummy or Ich seh, Ich seh (I see, I see) in German is an interesting thriller. I've already seen the slightly inferior American remake, so I knew exactly what I was in for and this version, whilst different, sticks to the same general formula.

One huge positive to this film that puts it above the remake in at least one regard is the beautiful cinematography, seriously, this film has some amazing shots with a beautiful visual colour palette and the nature shots are breathtaking. However, the main cast are all extremely unlikable and behave vilely, the last 30 or 35 minutes of the film is basically the son abusing and torturing his Mother and it is extremely horrible to watch and I think they went far too overboard with the on screen violence; especially the scene where the son gleefully burns his Mother with, first a magnifying glass and then for real at the end. It was dreadful and disgusting to watch.

The horror aspects in the film are better and scarier than in the remake, or at least I'd definitely feel that would be if I had thought the Mother was actually an impostor. I felt like it was a little too easy to realise that Lukas was dead (the not making two dinners was a huge giveaway and I now see this as a big plothole in the remake which did not even mention food!)

5/10: Good plot, excellent cinematography, average acting and it's not particularly fun to watch, except for the amazing shots in the forests, fields and town. The last 30 minutes are vile.

Goodnight Mommy (2022)

A decent horror flick

[4/10 · 23 November 2023]

Goodnight Mommy is a slightly below average horror film, it is ok, it's very boring, the plot is not bad at all and definitely good for a horror film and the acting is decent. However, I would probably not recommend you see this based on the fact that I found it very unforgettable, not that scary and very dull. On the other hand I loved the twist ending and it actually all made sense and there are some great tension building scenes with some nice acting from the Mother actress and I thought she was an improvement on the Mother in the original (she also starred in King Kong!) but these positives aren't enough to earn this one a watch.

4/10: Dull thriller, with a smart enough story that at least makes sense.

In Time (2011)

Fantastic idea, not the greatest execution

[7/10 · 23 November 2023]

In time is a good film, it's an intriguing premise and definitely held my interest even to the end. That being said, there are some big flaws with the film, Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried's chemistry was a bit stale and Timberlake is not a bad actor per say, but he's not a professional or world class, and I felt like a lot of the cast had quite average or even veering onto poor and hammy performances in some cases, although Cillian Murphy was good.

The film's plot is and premise is actually amazing and it's a shame it wasn't better executed. The idea of a post apocalyptic world using time as a currency is brilliant and quite unique and the great sets, locations and environments filmed portray this really well. A lot of the film plods by quite successfully, although some scenes drag and I found the dialogue didn't explain quite as much as I would have wanted and the film's end may be baiting a sequel as it doesn't wrap up entirely. Additionally, I found some of the concepts quite silly, such as being able to steal someone's time just by holding your arm to theirs, also I absolutely despised the ridiculous scene were Justim TImberlake's character managed to beat the baddie thug in a weird sort of arm wrestle and take all his time; I found that absurd and the fact he managed to shoot all the other thugs as well just came off so ridiculous and almost made me want to laugh.

7/10: As a film it probably deserves a 6, or so but the amazing idea and great concept for a plot and that it holds my interest to the end make this a very interesting watch.

Cinderella III: A Twist in Time (2007 Video)

Actually pretty great!

[7/10 · 27 October 2023]

Cinderella 3 is one of those films you go in with low expectations but find yourself pleasantly enjoying! I loved the hand drawn digital animation and it's great to see The Prince's personality and character given some development as well as the step sisters and the wicked step Mother who became a lot more evil in this version - even trying to kill Cinderella!!

The plot is imaginative and very strong for a Disney sequel, I found the new songs to be a little dull but thankfully they only last for at most about a minute. I love how the film is emotionally stronger than many other Disney sequels and I actually loved both the Prince and the King as characters, they were so sweet.

7/10: I actually strongly recommend this for Disney fans, it builds on the original and, granted, does not surpass it but it does what a sequel should do - something unique!

Foodfight! (2012)

Possibly the worst animated film ever!

[1/10 · 27 October 2023]

Foodfight(!?) is not a good film, in fact it's possibly the furthest from "good" that you can be. I despised the awful animation quality, hated the voice acting and found basically every single joke either cringe inducing, unfunny or very sexually based. In fact at least 50% of the jokes are sexual...in a children's film as well!

The less said about the characters and plot the better. The film is tonally extremely uneven and can go from light and jolly to disjointed and creepy, the villains are a very unsubtle Germany during WW2 type villains. I can't really think of any positives to this film, but it was nice when it ended, I suppose.

1/10: Will probably be studied int the future of what a film should not be. I can't believe their budget was 65 million dollars either.

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023)

Not as fun as I'd hoped for!

[1/10 · 21 October 2023]

I knew it'd be a bad film, but I'd hoped it was at least fun. It wasn't really. It had some funny moments, but a lot of it was actually quite nasty and made me wince. Winnie the Pooh whipping Christopher Robin with Eeyore's tail until he bled, I thought was a very horrible scene and very prolonged and gruesome. I also found the costumes to be quite grotesque, but maybe that's a good thing if that's what the director was going for.

The music was actually ok and I loved the opening scene that was artistically drawn, I thought that was pretty nifty. However, the poor acting, nonsense plot and overly nasty premise of a beloved children's classic make this extremely poor quality. Maybe the sequel will be better and more fun.

1/10: A low quality movie that relies on shock value and is too over the top in its violence in that it becomes just nasty.