kolchak25 Reviews

Killer Contact (2013– )

Unintentionally Hilarious

[5/10 · 25 December 2013]

I enjoy watching shows about ghost hunting and will watch any show at least once. These shows are about entertainment but either the teams are forced to state ridiculous things are proof of ghosts, or they're just ready to accept anything as proof. My comments are regarding the episode about Vlad the Impaler.

This show it so silly I'm not sure where to start. Each team member is designated with a title - Point Man, Tech Guru, Brain, Role Player, and Antagonizer. The only female on the team is designated the Role Player, which seemed really sexist until I watched her in action. You can't take her seriously because she screams every single time something happens.

Then there's the Tech Guru, who comes up with essentially a tray (for the equipment) with ropes attached to lower it down into a 100 foot well to see if there's anything going on down there (which apparently there wasn't since it wasn't mentioned again). Seriously, do you really need a tech guy for that? There's nothing technical about it.

And the Antagonizer? The guy is screaming at nothing, trying to get a reaction from Vlad. Yes, I'm sure that Vlad, a man who killed perhaps 100,000 people, is going to be intimidated by some frat boy screaming at him. Also Vlad, his wife and victims did not speak English, so how did they learn it after they die? If he were still around, he would not understand anything the Antagonizer was screaming.

And how do they not know that Vlad had a wife named Ilona? Do they not do any research or even look up the castle/Vlad on the internet? Yet as soon as they know her name, they are able to locate and investigate her room?

They need to have some skepticism about any so called evidence that they find. This is an old castle made of stone. Yet every noise is proof of Vlad (or someone) haunting the place, and elicits a scream from the Role Player girl. Yeah, it must be supernatural because pieces of stone in a centuries old castle couldn't crumble or fall. And birds couldn't possibly fly into a window. And you'd hear something if it fell to the ground (even though the windows are closed and you're several hundred feet off the ground).

I really hope they didn't write their own intro which states their "... mission is to solve the world's most enduring crimes and mysteries," and that when something happens "...this rapid response team moves in." Really? Please tell me they don't really believe they are solving centuries old crimes and mysteries, or that their scheduled visits are a rapid response.

I may watch this again for the unintentional comedy, but not for any valid ghost hunting experiences.

The Instructor (1981)

Really bad would be an understatement

[4 January 2003]

Wow, where do I start... there is a character called Thumper, the lead actor has hair that looks like it's a nasty wig made out of Fun Furr, many scenes go nowhere and have nothing to do with the movie, the only ninja is retarded, and all of the lead characters are middle aged, have gold chains, hairy chests, bad hair, and expensive sports cars - referred to by my friend as "impotence mobiles."

The movie is poorly written and acted, which is what usually happens when the same person directs, produces, writes, and stars in a low budget film. The movie appears to follow the standard good martial arts instructor vs. evil martial arts instructor. Some of the more ridiculous scenes are: 1) Thumper winning a martial arts tournament, though we questioned his ability to do this as he was knocked out cold by one punch from a biker earlier in the film; 2) during the same tournament, the officials/referees who score the match and can override other judges scores, are the instructors of the competitors - talk about conflict of interest; 3) the female black belt, who when confronted by 4 thugs, let's them get fresh with her, then flails helplessly before finally starting to defend herself. Geez...

While I don't think it's the worst movie ever, it's definitely got to be seen to be believed. There are some unintentionally funny scenes, and many things make no sense. So be forewarned, and watch at your own risk.

Hands of Death (1988)

Make way for the Gun Toting Pink Caucasian Ninjas

[26 November 2002]

In the tradition of Godfrey Ho's Zombie vs Ninja, comes another in the string of movies I like to refer to as the Caucasian Ninjas Wearing Brightly Colored Outfits Series. Supposedly the plot is about the Purple Ninjas trying to track down a treasure of gold. Other groups discover there is a treasure and also try to find it's location.

The main problems right off the bat are that the Ninjas are wearing pink ninja costumes, they are all Caucasian, they have names like Mitch, they wear headbands that proudly state "ninja", and they never appear to be searching for the treasure since they are too busy fighting the other Caucasian band of ninjas in the film.

Also, while the movie is called Hands of Death, I can't remember anyone actually killing another with their hands. These ninjas are all packing heavy artillery, and even blow each other up with some sort of big gun. It's fairly amusing and highly unexpected to see a brightly colored Caucasian ninja blow up before your very eyes. In other words, the title Hands of Death is a complete misnomer.

There are a couple of bedroom scenes that are absolutely hysterical as the couples look like they are wrestling in fast motion. They roll over and over, and even though we knew this was supposed to be a sex scene, we found ourselves questioning what they were actually supposed to be doing. Truly the man involved should be nominated for worst person ever to end up with in your bed.

The ninjas never really go on a quest for gold, and the rest of the people in the movie never really interact with the ninjas but do make a trip to find the gold. On their way they run into cannibals, an old woman who lives in a cave, and the requisite thugs who I guess are criminals in a syndicate.

My favorite thug scene is after they chase numerous young women through the woods, round them up, and bring them back to the bosses house. At this point the boss admonishes the women and says, "You can't escape. No one will ever escape from here." He then asks his henchman if they managed to round up all of the girls, and is informed that they got all but two who had "escaped"!

I rate this movie as much better and more enjoyable than Zombie vs Ninja. Please keep in mind that realistically speaking, this is like saying getting your finger shut in a car door is much better and more enjoyable than getting your hand shut in a car door.

Hands of Death (1988)

Make way for the Gun Toting Caucasian Ninjas

[25 November 2002]

In the tradition of Godfrey Ho's Zombie vs Ninja, comes another in the string of movies I like to refer to as the Caucasian Ninjas Wearing Brightly Colored Outfits Series. Supposedly the plot is about the Purple Ninjas trying to track down a treasure of gold. Other groups discover there is a treasure and also try to find it's location.

The main problems right off the bat are that the Ninjas are wearing pink ninja costumes, they are all Caucasian, they have names like Mitch, they wear headbands that proudly state "ninja", and they never appear to be searching for the treasure since they are too busy fighting the other Caucasian band of ninjas in the film.

Also, while the movie is called Hands of Death, I can't remember anyone actually killing another with their hands. These ninjas are all packing heavy artillery, and even blow each other up with some sort of big gun. It's fairly amusing and highly unexpected to see a brightly colored Caucasian ninja blow up before your very eyes. In other words, the title Hands of Death is a complete misnomer.

There are a couple of bedroom scenes that are absolutely hysterical as the couples look like they are wrestling in fast motion. They roll over and over, and even though we knew this was supposed to be a sex scene, we found ourselves questioning what they were actually supposed to be doing. Truly the man involved should be nominated for worst person ever to end up with in your bed.

The ninjas never really go on a quest for gold, and the rest of the people in the movie never really interact with the ninjas but do make a trip to find the gold. On their way they run into cannibals, an old woman who lives in a cave, and the requisite thugs who I guess are criminals in a syndicate.

My favorite thug scene is after they chase numerous young women through the woods, round them up, and bring them back to the bosses house. At this point the boss admonishes the women and says, "You can't escape. No one will ever escape from here." He then asks his henchman if they managed to round up all of the girls, and is informed that they got all but two who had "escaped"!

I rate this movie as much better and more enjoyable than Zombie vs Ninja. Please keep in mind that realistically speaking, this is like saying getting your finger shut in a car door is much better and more enjoyable than getting your hand shut in a car door.

American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002 Video)

very bad script = necessity for voice overs to provide exposition

[9 October 2002]

When voice overs are necessary to explain much of the plot, and a flashback with voice over is required at the end of the film to explain what happened, you know you are watching a movie which never should have been made. If it weren't for the voice overs, the movie would be incomprehensible, a sure sign that the script should have been rewritten. The only good part is William Shatner as a lecherous college professor... and depending on what you think of Shatner, that could also be another point against the movie.

Glitter (2001)

Oh the pain.... Mariah believes she is Streisand in A Star is Born

[9 October 2002]

This movie was so bad I could not even finish watching it. The acting is atrocious, the script full of cliches, and Mariah's wardrobe is used either as an attempt to call attention away from her bad acting, or to audition for a layout in a men's magazine. As the movie has been on a movie channel, I did end up watching the entire thing - although I had to do it in bits and pieces to retain my sanity.

There are many scenes that are totally pointless and last all of thirty seconds. One of the best, ie worst, is when she and Dice walk into the suite of the record company, the business men say you've got a contract, and champagne glasses are raised - end scene. That is literally the scene and actually probably doesn't even last twenty seconds. There is no extra dialogue or any other action - walk in, "you got the contract", "I'll drink to that", scenes over. It is the type of writing I did when I was in junior high.

This is a bad, bad film. The more I think about it, there are many similarities between this film and "A Star is Born". Geez, Mariah probably thought she would be the next Barbara Streisand. I can't wait to see Mariah's interpretation of "Yentl".

The Pit (1981)

This kid is creepy not autistic

[9 October 2002]

The description on the box said our protagonist is autistic and taunted by other children, which would surely make him a very sympathetic character. However after watching the film, either the box was in error or the writers didn't know anything about autism. The character displays no symptoms of autism, but instead just appears to be a very creepy and disturbed kid. There are a couple of kids that make fun of him, but other than that the movie revolves mostly around his peering in windows at naked women and luring people to this pit in the woods. Instead of feeling sorry for him, you want just want him to die.

Street Warriors (1977)

are we supposed to like these kids?

[9 October 2002]

This film is about juvenile delinquents. Most filmmakers want the audience to identify with and like their lead characters, but these kids have no redeeming qualities. They commit every type of crime imaginable - murder, rape, robbery, burglary, breaking and entering - you name it, they do it. Are we supposed to like these kids? They seem like a bunch of jerks. There is brief flash of male nudity when the lead character suffers the surprising consequences of his actions - and this is carried out by thugs who are even more distasteful than the teens. The film is interesting in an odd way, but why couldn't they have made even one of the teens a decent human being.

Blue Sunshine (1977)

Unexpectedly Creepy

[9 October 2002]

The plot of this movie features seemingly normal people going crazy and slaughtering their family and friends. The carnage is mostly off screen but there are some disturbing scenes. Zalman King is trying to find out what is happening as one of the casualties was a friend. When the first person goes crazy, their makeup- though minimal- is surprising and really creepy. In fact, if I saw someone who looked like that I would run away screaming. This movie was better than I expected and did not telegraph every single plot point ahead of time. It's got a typical 70s feel to it, but I like that. A good movie to watch with friends, but I'm telling you, when you see the first killer you will be unprepared for his creepiness - so don't watch it alone.

The People (1972 TV Movie)

For Hire: the dumbest teacher ever

[9 October 2002]

Kim Darby plays a teacher who is hired to teach in a small isolated town inhabited by a group who appear to be similar to the Shakers or the Amish. Even though the people of the town obviously have different values and rules to live by, Darby's character shows not only incredible ignorance, but intolerance as she dismisses everyone's ideas other than her own. She repeatedly tries to get the children to sing and play music. When they don't, she gets angry at them. Three costume changes later, she is still harping on them. What sort of time frame is this - a few days, weeks, months? Why is still trying to force the children to play music? Doesn't she have any respect for their beliefs? William Shatner is a local doctor, and is not in the film enough to make it enjoyable.

The Yin and the Yang of Mr. Go (1970)

Could be used as an anesthesia

[19 May 2002]

I picked up a copy of this movie after seeing the other comment listed. After watching it, I can say without a doubt that this movie is an incredible waste of celluloid. Like the other reviewer, my jaw hit the floor. But it was not due to any comedic value, rather to the amazing wretchedness of this film. My friends and I were practically put into comas by the movies anesthetic powers. This is the type of movie that you either throw out the window of your moving car, or take out of the vcr and smash with a hammer.

Burgess Meredith wrote and directed this movie, as well as appearing in a small role. The film was made in 1970 when it was still considered appropriate for Caucasian actors to play Asian characters. Thus we have Burgess as an Asian character, complete with whispy mustache, and James Mason is the evil Mr. Go, with fake teeth, eye makeup, and - going against the character - a British accent. While Mason was British, the accent is ridiculous for the character. You get the feeling that Mason was trying to retain some dignity, and was fighting to avoid a stereotypical accent brought on by the fake teeth.

The movie is very tedious. You'll feel like you've been watching it for hours and hours. There's no real character development, and no one in the film is particularly likeable. Mr. Go is supposed to be very evil, yet we never see him do anything that makes us hate him. Nero, played by Jeff Bridges, was just as unlikeable as Mr. Go. Perhaps more so, as he is a deserter from the army, cheats on his girlfriend (and doesn't understand why she hasn't come home yet), takes money from Mr. Go in payment for having sex with a US agent - which is filmed in order to blackmail the agent into helping Mr. Go get a laser of some sort. Nero is supposed to be a writer and admires James Joyce, but we are never convinced that he is more than an untalented, drunk kid (Bridges looks very young).

Oh the pain.... the only reason you may want to see this movie is if you like one of the lead actors and are interested in seeing everything they have done. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and stay away from this movie. Oh yes, there are some really annoying songs that will get into your head, and not let you live in peace. "The yin and the yang...."

Night of the Juggler (1980)

Night of the Jogger

[2 February 2002]

Truly this film should be called Night of the Jogger. It would make much more sense than Night of the Juggler, which has to be one of the most uninteresting titles ever assigned to a movie. Not only are there tons of joggers everywhere, but all the characters jog everywhere they go. Every time they need to go somewhere, they jog. There is no real reason for this.

Brolin and his daughter start out for her school, jogging of course. But then she decides she can jog there by herself, and Brolin turns around for the jog home. About twenty seconds later, Brolin's daughter is kidnapped from the park when she is mistaken for a rich businessman's daughter.

Here we come to one of the most implausible parts of the movie. The kidnapper throws her in the car, and she just sits there, calmly. She never tries to get out of the car. At several times they are stuck in traffic jams. Her window is down, her door is unlocked, for gods sake the car can't move, and yet she does not even try to get out of the car.

We head into a long chase scene with Brolin getting a cab to chase the kidnapper. After the kidnapper crashes his car, he grabs the daughter by the hand and they run into the subway and catch a ride. Yes, that's right, the kidnapped daughter willingly runs with the kidnapper. They are on a crowded street and yet she never plants her feet and refuses to move, or even screams for help. She just runs along with him.

When they get off the subway, the kidnapper steals a phone company van. He helps the daughter up into the front seat, has her slide over to the passenger side....and she sits there. She doesn't even attempt to go open the door or get out. This girl should be charged as an accessory in her kidnapping!

The other really annoying part of the movie is that as Brolin tries to find his daughter, he is arrested or stopped by the police. But instead of saying "my daughters been kidnapped." He keeps saying they have to let him go, and either being really vague or trying to explain the whole story. Same thing happens when he tries to find what the kidnapper dropped outside a live girls porno place. He goes into the little viewing booths, and does he say his daughter has been kidnapped and that he needs help. Of course not, the big dope says "I'm looking for a girl..." Oh yeah, that's really going to help in a peep show setting. Sigh....

The movie is fairly frustrating as the characters sabotage themselves over and over again. It is only through this contrived sabotage that the kidnapper gets the daughter and Brolin doesn't get her back right away. And the kidnapper is really wacko, but not in a scary way. We find out his motives when he explains the entire reason to the daughter as they are walking to his house - yeah, that's right, the daughter is still walking along with the kidnapper. Hell, he isn't even holding her hand now. So if you can stand the frustration or if you are with friends and want to laugh at the sheer contrivances that keep this movie going, be my guest and watch this movie - and remember the movie is about joggers, not jugglers.

Invasion Force (1990)

A movie that will make you wish you'd never watched it

[27 January 2002]

This is one of those movies that when the closing scene rolls around, you will say "What?! You've got to be kidding!!" It is that lame. The acting is pretty bad across the board, except for Richard Lynch, who always does a good job and was the main reason I decided to watch this movie.

A film crew is on location shooting a movie when a military group parachutes into the area. In order to convince us that they have actually parachuted, we see some men fall onto the ground from a standing position, then get up and start gathering their parachutes - hooooboy.

The lead actress is in the woods at night with her boyfriend when he is killed by the invading force of soldiers. She manages to escape from the soldiers, and even to knock one of them out and steal his gun. The soldiers are wearing what appears to be world war I helmets, which makes it odd that hitting them on the head with a stick could render them unconscious. However, once she knocks out the soldier, she climbs a tree and roosts there until the next day.

There are huge jumps in logic, and ridiculous plot holes. None of the characters are particularly likeable, and the actor playing the director has a Bronson "Cousin Balki" Pinchot haircut, which makes it hard to take him seriously, besides the fact that he's not much of an actor.

Fans of Mystery Science Theatre may enjoy seeing the guy who played the dead blonde teenager from Soultaker, playing the muscle bound lead actor in the "film" within this movie.

Zombie vs. Ninja (1989)

Oh...my....god....

[27 January 2002]

I picked up a copy of this movie as I love zombie movies and ninja movies. With a title like Zombie vs Ninja, naturally I expected to see combat between zombies and ninjas. I expected this even more so after reading the description on the box which made a statement about the doors of hell being open unleashing a "zombie horde." Wow!

Imagine my horror to discover that this film is actually a composite of 1)a film about an undertaker, who happens to be able to teach his young apprentice kung fu skills, and 2)scenes that appear to have been shot for the only purpose of being inserted into this film to incorporate "ninjas" into the storyline.

The actors in the zombie story and the ninja story never appear on screen together. However, an attempt is made to make us believe they are in the same story as closeups of the actors are intercut to make it appear as if they are talking to each other.

The "zombie horde" is certainly an overstatement as we never see more than three or four zombies at once. The master keeps calling them up to train the young apprentice in kung fu skills, surely a questionable method of training at best.

The "ninjas" are probably the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. They are caucasians who wear shiny, brightly colored ninja outfits, and have names like Bert, Bob, and Ira. Uhhhh.... not exactly what you expect froma ninja movie. Their costumes appear to be made of plastic and are white, yellow, and blue, which really should make them quite visible in the forest.

The funniest thing about the ninja characters is that they wear headbands that say "ninja" or "nin ja" with japanese writing in between the two syllables. What sort of ninja - arguably the most deadly invisible assassins - wear headbands that announce who they are?! I believe they were labeled as otherwise no one watching the film would ever know they were supposed to be ninjas as their outfits do not look anything like any other ninja costume I've seen in any movie.

Also, there are two ninja forces in the film, but it is not readily apparent. I kept wondering why they were fighting and killing their own friends, until the two ninja leaders fought at which point I realized that up until then I had thought they were the same guy. I believe that the two styles of ninja headbands - "ninja" and "nin ja" were used to differentiate the two bands of ninjas.

While this has to be seen to be appreciated, the movie is really bad, but not bad enough to be enjoyable. Watch at your own risk. If you are easily confused, I advise you to stay away.

Impulse (1974)

The funniest movie I have ever seen

[3 November 2001]

Shatner must be ruing the day he agreed to make this hideous piece of junk. Bad movie aficionados are going to want to get hold of this work of trash. This movie must be seen to be believed. I don't know if I've ever laughed so hard at a movie that takes itself seriously. Shatner over acts like he has never over acted before - he grimaces, he scowls, he looks horrified, he smarmily hits on women.

In almost every scene he wears a different shirt - all of which are made of hideous, ugly, multi-colored, seventies polyester. This has got to be the ugliest collection of shirts ever known to man. In one scene he wears a white suit and matching hat, which make him look like a pimp.

The soundtrack is full of the stereotypical wacka-chicka funk sounds of the seventies. In fact, the whole movie is full of stereotypical seventies hairstyles, clothes, and shoes.

This is a very odd movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone who really wants a good laugh. It is truly unbelievable. There is no way to accurately describe how unintentionally, horribly funny this movie is. If you can find a copy, you'll be glad you did.

Smokey and the Hotwire Gang (1979)

Oh the pain....

[9 October 2001]

I picked up this movie as I was in the mood for a seventies car movie that would not be very good, and this looked like it fit the bill. When I brought it to my friends house, he pointed out Anthony Cardoza's name on the box. As fans of Mystery Science Theater may remember, Cardoza worked on several Coleman Francis films. Francis is a film maker in the realm of Ed Wood - no budget, poor acting and bad scripts. So with Cardoza all over this movie, we were pretty excited to see Smokey and the Hot Wire Gang.

There is no way to tell you how horrible this movie is. I mean, I love bad movies, but this one was unbelievably horrendous. About half way through the movie, I literally grabbed my head and screamed. Cardoza rivals the worst film makers with this wretched mess. There are about five different groups of people all in different story lines. The only common point between them is that everyone has a car and drives...a lot. People are in one location, then another without any explanation of how they got there. You'll forget some of the people even exist until they show up again later in the movie. In some scenes no one's lips are moving and yet someone somewhere is talking. Who is it? Is the dialogue relevant?

The movie makes no sense whatsoever. Absolutely none. If you like Coleman Francis or Ed Wood, I would recommend you watch it if only to be completely dumbfounded that a)this movie could even get made, and b)that there is no way to comprehend the bone chilling awfulness of this film without having seen it.

Elves (1989)

Elves?!!? More like Elf

[3 September 2001]

Let's face it, with a title like Elves I expected to see, well... elves. This movie should more accurately be called Elf. That's right, there is one, count him, ONE elf. I suppose Elves sounds a little more frightening than Elf, though not much. Picture a hoard of evil elves descending upon you - kind of scary as a large number of them may be able to overpower you or rip your limbs off. Now, picture what we get in the movie, one rubber elf mask permanently frozen with it's mouth open. As Count Floyd used to say, "oooooo, isn't that scary, boys and girls?..... well, isn't it?!"

When I mention the following things all in a movie, it appears that we should have a winner - Dan Haggerty, evil elves, nazi's, teenagers, and Santa. But Elves just doesn't really succeed in converting all that potential into something great or truly horrendous. Granted, there is high entertainment value in hearing Haggerty and the other characters say things like "I want to know the connection between the elves and the nazi's" or "Look man, I'm tellin' you what I saw, god damn it, I'm tellin' you I saw a two foot elf!"

There are really amusing things in the movie, often unintentional, but overall it's a disappointment.