ndrapela Reviews

Red Eye (2005)

Better than a kick in the pants, I guess

[5/10 · 11 August 2006]

I've seen worse, but I've definitely seen better. I thought Wes Craven was supposed to mean good movie. Guess not. It was an hour-and-a-half movie made from a 5-minute story. Can you say, "draaaaaaag?"

The movie is conveniently broken into three 25-minute long sections: The first section has awful writing and is so completely boring that I checked the clock at least 5 times. People talk...NOTHING HAPPENS. The second section begins the plot, and has awful writing, really bad acting, and clichés that make you cringe. The third and final section has some fair action/suspense sequences, but for continuity sake continues with the awful writing.

The supporting actress playing Cynthia was the best actor of the show. Rachel McAdams was unconvincing and frankly looked embarrassing in the lead role. The disgusting-looking antagonist was so bad all around--looks, acting, everything--that one wonders who owed him a favor for him to get the role. He was really revolting to have to watch through the whole movie.

When I rented the movie I assumed the title referred to a flight, but for me it was more how I felt trying to stay awake for the end of the movie. *Yawn* I'm going to bed now.

The Crossing Guard (1995)

Sappy, predictable, and tiresome

[2/10 · 4 August 2006]

It's hard to find a Jack Nicholson movie where he acts so poorly that it bothers the viewer. But here is the needle in the haystack.

Nicholson's performance is overacted, uninspired, and adolescent. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Anjelica Huston seems to follow suit! It's almost as if there was a bad-acting virus on the set.

However one actor who had apparently been vaccinated was David Morse. This is probably the one and only bright spot in the movie. Morse is fantastic. His portrayal of John Booth is convincing, multi-dimensional, and consistent. It is twice as amazing that Morse was able to pull off such an impressive job when one considers that he had to play off the pitiful Nicholson. Robin Wright did give Morse at least something to work with as her performance was fairly good, although hampered by the story...

..which brings us to the worst aspect of the movie--the screenplay. Imagine a story called, "The hammer hits the nail," where viewers are forced to watch an ultra-slo-mo of a hammer coming down on a nail, periodically broken up by sporadic, unnecessary banter, and you have this in a nutshell. The story is painfully predictable, and morbidly slow-moving. One walks away saying, "That was it? But I already knew that." The actual story should only take about 5 minutes. The rest is filler. And bad filler.

The climax of the movie (if one can call it that) is a pathetically unrealistic chase scene where the out-of-shape, 50-something, smoking alcoholic character played by Nicholson out runs the young, muscular and fit Morse over a distance of some 3 miles or so (although it seems like 20 miles to the viewer). Nothing is given away by this description however, since most viewers already know how a movie like this will end.

The title of the film, "The Crossing Guard" is of course irrelevant to all but self-described film experts who have infinite time and desire to conjure up the "real" meaning of films and teach them to the rest of us. However, it most likely refers to the tragic failure of a talent-guard to catch this script before it made it to production.

Holy Smoke (1999)

Adolescent and disappointing

[1/10 · 30 July 2006]

Often after a movie, I will sit to myself and think, "Was there anything redeeming at all about that movie, or did I just lose 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back?" In this case, it was the latter.

Despite commendable acting from the films actresses, Harvey Keitel looks embarrassingly like an amateur in a high school drama. Although the plot has potential, the movie has the maturity of a 7th grader making farting sounds under his armpit. If only the movie was animated, it would be a perfect Simpsons satire of the stereotypical bad movie.

Another major problem with the film is that it tries to mix humor with seriously sad problems. Imagine the success of a comedy based on 9/11 and you get the picture. Obvious attempts at humor completely fail in canned, painfully predictable sequences directed with the subtlety of a mack truck. Add to this the fact that the director clearly cannot differentiate between what to shoot and what not to shoot.

Other various problems were the irrelevant and distracting Neil Diamond soundtrack, the irritating, obstructed camera shots somehow meant to be creative I guess, and the token gay characters who have nothing to do with the plot. Although the movie supposedly took place in Australia, only one person actually had an Australian accent, the rest of them being vaguely British which is confusing during the entire story. The movie culminates in a transsexual, surrealistic fantasia which can only be described as the work of a deviant, hallucinating pervert.

If nothing else, this film realistically demonstrates why you would never want to go to India. And really the only way I can figure that it came about is that Kate Winslett must have owed a debt to the teenage son of some guy who got her career going. Unfortunately, someone gave him a camera.

Hideous Kinky (1998)

Pearls before swine...

[1/10 · 26 July 2006]

Kate Winslett in this movie is like a handful of diamonds thrown into an outhouse of raw sewage. Kate is a wonderful, amazing actress and her presence in this movie is nothing other than a shame. The movie portrays a selfish, hippie mother traipsing about North Africa with no regard for her beautiful little girls as a sort of "fun" adventure. In other words, the mother is the heroine despite neglecting her children to espouse "free love" (in front of them) and this sort of thing. It is truly twisted. One gets the feeling that it was written by a self-centered, middle-aged woman who always wished she had done something like this but never got to. It is depressing and sad, especially if you are a parent.

The movie also treats the savage culture of that area of the world as sort of quaint and beautiful in its own way. It's the old propaganda on "ethnocentrism" we have all been so ruthlessly subjected to in college in an attempt to brainwash us into believing that there is no such thing as a "civilized" culture. Why of course defecating on the ground and wiping with your hand is just as civilized as any other culture.

If you enjoy child abuse or just lots of dirty, immoral people with no teeth, you may want to catch this movie. Otherwise, spare yourself the mental slime you will accumulate after having subjected yourself to such cultural and moral camel manure.