teddykupferberg Reviews

The Old Man (2022– )

Oh FFS!

[3/10 · 20 August 2022]

The screenplays for this clunker must have been enormous. Way wayyyy too much dialogue. Omg! There is someone talking the entire time! I'm surprised they don't openly converse during the fight sequences. Knew it was a bad sign when - by the 3rd episode - Lithgow's character repeatedly warns the audience that they "have no idea how this thing got started, or how it will end." Indeed sir.

Bridges character starts out as a widower in the throws of dementia who can barely sleep or take a leak. But suddenly is a freakin razor sharp, iron clad terminator who is capable of anything. You can see it all over Ali Shawkat's awesome face. She knows how boring and aimless this thing is. Why do shows like this exist? Start good and fall apart as soon as they can. Don't waste your time with this one. Wish I hadn't. My wife is finishing it now. I could not take it anymore. Endless, aimless drivel. Seriously, my ears hurt from listening. Sorry Duder. I know it's one of your last. Wish the writers have given you LESS to deal with. Poor John Lithgows must've had to have a larynx transplant mid way through filming. Whew!

Only highlight for me honestly was a brief cameo (of which there are many) by none other than Mr. Dick Dietrich! Host of the forgotten but amazing 90's send up of trash talk shows - Night Stand. If you don't know Night Stand - You Don't Know Dick!

Licorice Pizza (2021)

Darn Good

[7/10 · 29 December 2021]

The goal here is to not put more effort into this review than the gang put into the dialogue for Licorice Pizza. Should be pret.ty easy. Here goes: The casting people did a good job. It was super neat to see Cooper Hoffman act. The female lead was completely insufferable and that's being nice. Be grateful she speaks less and less as the film soldiers on. It was interesting in places. The movie that is. But srsly why were Sean Penn and Tom Waits in it. Seriously why? Oh wait. Who cares?

It was probably better than anything else I've seen this year which is obviously ummm kinda I don't know...like obvious? Had a great spirit to it but sincerely the dialogue felt like it was written on a pizza box before every scene. And hey if it was - that's cool too. But so why you ask would I give a film that was dry as LA hoohah a 7? Well for one thing I've grown up with PTs movies. I was 18 for Boogie Nights and have seen every one in the theater (punch or blood is my fave, phantom is his best come at me) and have never been let down. Tonight was no different. But the dialogue was definitely different. It suuuuucked. I'm Tmurt bad. And if you're the type who kinda needs a movie to be more or less "about something" to devote your time to it (these days) just go ahead and skip it. You'll be fine. But it was still a PTA feature. And I'll never give him a bad review because he's PTA and you're not. And if this is what he was able to give us this year - I'm happy. Thank you for everything Paul.

Harriet Harris' brief and electrifying performance was BY FAR the stand out of the entire feature, with Bradley Cooper also helping out the best he could to keep the audience awake.

But I get it. Snapshot of 70's gas crisis LA. Yawn. Cool tho. Where was the Bowie song? Oh oh yeah. It's in it for like 8 seconds.

Some Trailer-itis on this one but that's all of em anymore. Why put money into the film when the trailer is what sells the ticket right? F y'all.

Sorry, not you Paul. But please please don't let this be your last 🙏 I'll come work like a silver miner for free. Hit me up 🤙

Wow. Are there more words in this review than the script? Gotta be close...

Sons of Anarchy (2008–2014)

FIRST SEASON HAS BEEN ALTERED

[5/10 · 17 August 2021]

Look. I might be completely crazy but hear me out. I believe the entire FIRST SEASON HAS BEEN ALTERED from the original. Memory of course is not reliable (which they counted on but they weren't counting on mine) but I believe they had no choice but to make major changes to the first season to make future episodes - and the Mayans spin-off possible. Recall thinking how perfectly the first two seasons worked and made sense when watching the first time around 2012. You could tell that the creators had those two seasons worth of story lines worked out to a T going in. But I also remember thinking it was almost too "wrapped up" to have anywhere to go...and then the 3rd season definitely dipped in quality of writing. Which is where I left off.

Granted it's basically been 10 years but there are entire characters and plot lines in the first season this time around that I have absolutely no recollection of whatsoever. I'm saying these mfs have gone back after the fact and changed things. What's also interesting is there is a Screen Rant article conveniently titled "10 Things From Season 1 of Sons of Anarchy You Completely Forgot Happened." Lol. All they do is change a bunch of things, destroy the originals, print an article on the internet - and voila - like it never happened.

ALL the things in that article are ALL the exact things I don't remember. Just saying. The stalker for one example. That dude did not exist before. The African American Sheriff and the whole Mayans beef in the first episode was not a thing. But all these alterations made the show more PC for one thing but also opened up story lines for the future. I'm telling you man. Call me crazy. But I wouldn't put it past "free thinking" network executive types. After all, we're all sooooo stupid right?

There are no truths anymore. Further proof. Also? If you really wanna get nuts? I first noticed this phenomenon with The Sopranos! Oh! Oh! 'Whaaaa?' That's right. F wit me y'all. F wit me.

100 Foot Wave (2021– )

Alternate Title: The Stupidest Man Alive

[8/10 · 11 August 2021]

This is a mentally challenged fella right? Which part is worse? Him forcing his wife to surf a wave that she didn't want to surf that nearly killed her or when he tries to tow a jet ski down a boat ramp? That's the thing with all these "like wow man" surf Docs, the footage and action is undeniably great but the people willing to do these things (and sadly the people who wind up marrying them) are often insufferably and indeed sometimes dangerously stupid.

The gear they use and wear for each and every outing costs enough to pay my mortgage for a couple of months. And cameras and production dollars all aimed at these idiots almost dying. Bravo HBO. You guys nailed the uncanny valley between documentary and Documentary Now!

Short Circuit (1986)

High Quality 80's Classic - Starring Literally the Worst Actor in History

[7/10 · 21 April 2021]

This is a fun no brainer from 1986. Among my faves when I was a kid. So I just rewatched for the heck of it and it holds up surprisingly well! Ally Sheedy and the bot are adorable but let's get down to brass tacks here. Steve Guttenberg really has to be the worst actor of all time in a starring role. Never seen anything like it. Only thing worse than the sound of him shouting dialogue is his blank, inept, flared nostril mug when he's silent. Just terrible. I mean not worth picking apart but wow. He was truly the pits. Did not remember that they also cast the Chief from Police Academy franchise as the bad guy/foil in this film. Perfect. But yeah. Totally decent movie. Worst actor ever. Ever.

Elizabethtown (2005)

Cameron Crowe at His Tooth Ache-iest

[4/10 · 6 March 2021]

A star for each of the actors who keep this thing afloat. Definitely 2 or 3 fantastic bits but aside from that this is definitely one of the stupidest films I've ever seen. Saw it when it came out. Had to check again to be sure. Just this side of watchable. Cam and the gang seem to think just about anything will pass for dialogue. Feels like it was written over a single weekend in a hot tub - overconfidently. And seriously, how many songs, dude? How many song credits are in this movie? There are more song lyrics than actual words of dialogue. There has to be.

I mean it's a cute movie. Good for kids on dates who aren't catching every line of dialogue. I get it. It's a birthday cake of a movie - if it's a movie at all and not just a prolonged mixed tape? Or music video? I mean what is this? Cameron Crowe and David O Russell made long music videos. DOR is a true schlock-Meister who got lucky.af on Oscar night one year with a babbling atrocity set to unlikely pop tunes. Brilliant!

Cameron Crowe is the most unabashedly sentimental film maker since James L. Brooks but nowhere near the writer. And I know this movie is 15 years old and who cares. I just couldn't believe how lazy and underwritten it seemed. Don't all have to be Casablanca. But come on man. The scene at his father's casket? "What's the word? Wwhhhimsical?" What? Laughable man. Just ridiculous. But oh wait Elton John will save it.

And hey! Why edit at all really ya know? Just leave it all in and let the audience sift through after they pay to see it. Sfine.

The Little Things (2021)

Barely worth reviewing

[1/10 · 31 January 2021]

The industry as we know it is over. The Little Things makes so little effort at all it honestly feels silly reviewing it. There's just nothing there. It's so completely paint by numbers it's unbelievable. A rancid Happy Meal of a movie. This review and every review I've read for this film truly contain more substance and forethought than the film itself. Seems COVID ruined the production along with everything else and something had to come out. I wont even wade into the vague attempt at plot or whatever. I'm normally a fairly eloquent reviewer. Ha. Buuuuut like, a 7th graders general description of say, Silence of the Lambs would be more entertaining. Sorry Denzel. We love you. Thanks for staying in it all these years. They never made a movie good enough for you.

After Midnight (2019)

Was so ready to love it too

[4/10 · 13 July 2020]

Weak and disappointing. It's a super low budget, poorly written relationship movie - that also has a monster in it. I know you're supposed to hold out on revealing the creature as long as possible but...at this point, why bother? Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski tried his dadgummed-est to save it but sadly could not. I admire the one man band aspect of its production but almost nothing about this film seemed to work. Better luck next time

He Got Game (1998)

Music Foul

[6/10 · 30 June 2020]

Spike always made interesting choices when it comes to scores and incidentals. But this is just bizarre. Whoever scored this film almost destroyed it. Nearly every minute of exterior footage is drowned in incomprehensible symphonic spooge. During important plot furthering scenes there is loud unnecessary schmaltz. It is distracting as hell and at times even drowns out dialogue. Really weird. Movie is wonderful. Performances memorable. Unique and vital story telling. Maybe a hip hop soundtrack was too obvious. But all them horns...wtf? Gotta check SOS and Jungle Fever. See if they're this ridiculous...

The Outsider (2020)

And just like that...nobody cares

[5/10 · 10 February 2020]

Yep. Sorry guys. Simply put - it just didn't stay good. Got to be like watching paint dry. This was the first week we didn't bother with the new one. Watched The Thing>Psycho>The Great Escape instead. Pleased with my choices. But freal y'all. Next time don't front load the show with a buncha cool stuff and then just abandon in to the cornfield after 2 weeks. That's in poor taste.

The Pharmacist (2020)

Pulling the String

[1/10 · 9 February 2020]

Welp. This is the latest example of the new phenomenon of fabricated "true crime" style "documentaries". Ever since the genre exploded roughly 4 years ago I knew that producers would eventually start making up stories and running them through the cookie cutter format that so many of us have come to crave like coffee or chocolate. The first time I noticed this phenomenon was Abducted In Plain Sight...which was utterly ridiculous. Soon after that I began seeing the Investigation Discovery Docs on Hulu and every one of those stinks to high heaven. The Pharmacist is just the newest. Always suspected Evil Genius was BS as well but never been able to stand it long enough to find out. But anyway...I'm pulling the string on this one. Shame on you NF. But hey Give the People What They Want huh? More accurately though I suppose it's true that nobody ever went broke overestimating the stupidity of the general public. So right on. Get money

The Outsider (2020)

Ideal if you like being bored and frustrated

[5/10 · 4 February 2020]

Man. This show started off fantastic, as so many of them do. Then it just became impossible. At the very least I wish I knew how many episodes there were going to be - prolly a way to find out - but we're what 5 episodes in and we're still being introduced to new characters? So far there are way more questions than answers and it's just not a very compelling show. Every week it just feels like wasted time. Haven't seen many shows that we're this reluctant to provide helpful information. Each scene is just another whaaaaaa? wooooahhh! wtf?! ....with zero explanation. Anyway. Looks cool. Acting is eeehhh alright I spose. But really struggling to stay interested. I mean it's not like there's 8,000 other things to watch at any given moment.

Give me a reason to love you - Beth Gibbons

The VelociPastor (2018)

Inspirational

[10/10 · 1 February 2020]

If you don't love The VelociPastor then I'm not sure why you even look at movies. Shouldn't you be at a scuppernong wine tasting? Real talk? Most original thing I've seen so far this year. Laughed so hard I nearly soiled my Chekhov. I gave it 10 stars because I couldn't give it 64 Slices of American Cheese. You smell that? That's a franchise workin in the bathtub. Give em some more money. The Church needs more of these immediately...

The Vietnam War (2017)

Riveting in It's Scope

[10/10 · 19 January 2020]

Unfortunately for writers and publishers, and indeed other film makers, I can't imagine ever having to pick up another book, or see any other film about Vietnam ever again. This is the new complete source. Every frame and every interview is near perfect. A truly staggering achievement. Quite possibly KB's best work to date...

Vacation (I) (2015)

Shame on everyone involved

[1/10 · 6 January 2020]

Truly the worst movie I've ever seen. Just awful...

Cold Valley (2018)

Something is Rotten in Denmark

[3/10 · 30 December 2019]

There have been so many true crime documentaries that I've wondered for a while when networks - much as they have with "reality" shows - would start making up. I believe this show and Netflix's Abducted in Plain Sight were outright fabrication. The genre is as full of tropes as any other and it's taken on a paint by numbers formula. Cold Valley is at least plausible, unlike the completely preposterous Abducted in Plain Sight which was just trashola schlock passed of as True without much of anyone noticing. But something about Cold Valley just seems too perfect to be true. There's little or no real information offered. Just a bunch of weird old white people saying all the exact same things as every single other show has ever said. I love how the weirdos in this tiny town are found where?! The Little Theater that's where! That much is at least true. Not sure of the validity of Investigation Discovery network but they seem to specialize in the modern equivalent of Lifetime Movies. Owned by the same folks who make the made up House Swap shows. Yeah this is trash. If you're looking for Capital T True Crime? Look somewhere else...

Us (II) (2019)

Top Class

[8/10 · 25 November 2019]

This was excellent! All I knew going in was that it was Jordan Peele and it was a horror/thriller. Had not even seen a trailer. But man oh man what a weird scary ride. It was as if he'd rolled all the high quality horror movies from the past few years into an Optimo and passed me that shiz on Friday the 13th! JP knows his 80's horror too. The main reasons I didn't give it a 10 is it did admittedly get kinda trope-y in places (and threatened to derail altogether by the end but...so do all the classic 80's horror movies!) and some of the classic horror logic problems were hard to swallow. But aside from that this was top drawer. Way way better than any of the movies I've never made. The casting of Tim Heidecker (immediately re-watched The Comedy soons this was over. If you haven't seen that cringe epic do so - if you think you can handle it) and Elizabeth Moss just shows the level of JP's taste and the respect that ultra-cool talented actors have for him. I didn't get too caught up trying to decipher whatever political metaphors may have been at work but that's what subsequent viewings are for. Of which there will be many. But please let this dude keep making all the films he wants. B-yacht-ch!!!

There's Something Wrong with Aunt Diane (2011 TV Movie)

Pointless

[3/10 · 3 November 2019]

Yeah, no idea why this was made. Garbus has done better work. Perhaps she, like the audience, assumed there would be a different outcome but, nope. Waste of time...

Abducted in Plain Sight (2017)

Something is Rotten in Denmark Here

[2/10 · 3 November 2019]

I don't believe one word of this tripe. Come on folks. Very little authenticity in the production if you pay attention at all. Since our profoundly sick and under stimulated society cannot get enough seamy tales of murder or forbidden sex - it was only a matter of time before producers started fabricating these stories. Shame on The Flix a little kinda. Just because this kind of thing will drag the genre down and ultimately (further) blur the line of reality. Like Christian Slater said in Pump Up the Volume - "I can smell a lie like a fart in a car." Sorry but this story reeked from the beginning. Like I'm pretty sure I've seen the father act in movies before. But not to worry there are plenty of real ones out there. So yeah, don't waste your time or brain cells with this bs.

The Invitation (I) (2015)

Friends are Overrated

[9/10 · 24 October 2019]

Man oh man. Hahaha. My lady and I sometimes lament that we don't have all that many friends - and the ones we do have are kinda boring. Let's just say The Invitation provides some healthy perspective. But this was a great movie. The low score is somewhat baffling. Granted, if you're into, say, Captain Marvel - it's prolly not gonna be your bag. However, if you enjoy a nice, taught, emotionally charged experience then you definitely won't be disappointed.

I had avoided it previously because it just sounded like a movie about the dinner party from hell and that was enough to provoke a meh but now I wish I'd drunk the koolaid sooner.

The worst I can say is that the overall premise is rather unlikely? I don't know anyone who would attend this party given the circumstances but I also don't know anybody from California. But if you can take the slight "movieland" logic problems then it should be your new favorite thriller.

Knew it was quality when John Carroll Lynch showed up and the multifaceted national treasure that is Toby Huss. But the entire cast brings it.

So check it out. If you're like me, you'll want another one right away.