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hellrayzor
Reviews
Moonfall (2022)
Should have been called MOONFAIL!
MOONFALL has got to be the biggest piece of s**t to infest a movie theater so far this year. Seriously, this movie makes ARMAGEDDON look good. Hell, it even makes PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE look good. PLAN 9 was both more entertaining AND more scientifically accurate!
SPOILERS:
OK, first of all, the moon is not really a moon. It is really a giant spaceship built by our technologically advanced ancient ancestors to be used as a space ark for humanity, because humanity was being hunted by a "rogue" "bad guy" artificial intelligence, as opposed to the "non-rogue" "good guy" artificial intelligence, both of which are still on/in the moon (and are the only type of intelligence you will see in this entire movie).
Of course, the government has known the moon is not a moon for years and kept it a secret from everyone except for a small group of conspiracy theorists who know the truth because they have "done the math and it checks out"! (I think the producers must have used QAnon members as technical advisors.)
The bad A. I. has steered the moon out of orbit and toward the earth. Whenever the moon gets too close to earth, "gravity goes crazy" during the "moonrise", prompting the hapless actors to utter such ridiculous lines as "Watch out for the moon!" and "The moon is helping us!"
Sometimes the moon is so close it actually scrapes against the earth (no, really!) without wiping out civilization and completely blowing the s**t out of the entire planet.
With only hours until the end of the world, our military plans to nuke the moon (no, really!) even though nuking the moon is stupid, won't work, and will rain radioactive death down on a good portion of the planet.
Mankind's only hope is for "our heroes" to fly to the moon against the military's wishes and stop the bad A. I. before the nukes launch and everyone dies either from the fallout or from, you know, the moon crashing into us.
Do you need to mount a world-saving mission to the moon, but N. A. S. A. has retired its entire space shuttle fleet? Don't worry, you can find a fully functional and operational space shuttle at your local museum. Just climb in, start the engines, and drive it out (no, really!) Our scientist guys can get it ready to fly to the moon in just a few hours.
Ugh.
This is from the same guy who brought you INDEPENDENCE DAY, 2012, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, and that stupid Godzilla movie with Mathew Broderick wearing a goofy beret. All of the typical plot beats and rehashed characters from writer/director Roland Emmerich's previous movies are here in full force, including GAME OF THRONES' Samwell Tulley as the eccentric conspiracy theory guy with nutty ideas about the moon being a spaceship that turn out to be true (just like the similar eccentric conspiracy theory character in the movie 2012, or the eccentric pilot played by Randy Quaid in INDEPENDENCE DAY).
Even the CGI is pretty terrible.
My wife and I watched this movie in stunned disbelief, like watching a train wreck. We couldn't believe someone actually spent a ton of money on this and got it into theaters.
Poor Halle (Academy Award winner) Berry and Patrick Wilson tried their best, but they should have known better. But at least CATWOMAN isn't the worst film in Halle Berry's resume anymore. Wonder if she will show up to accept her Razzie award again?
Awful. Terrible. Dumb. Not even good from a "so bad its good" perspective. It's just... BAD! I am SO glad I did not pay to see this movie at a theater!
The Banana Splits Movie (2019)
Stupid, awful, and weird - and not in a good way!
This movie apparently takes place in an alternate universe where:
1) The Banana Splits TV show from the late 1960's is still airing in 2019.
2) The Banana Splits themselves are killer robots.
Wow.
The "plot" is that when the network cancels the Banana Splits TV show, the Banana Splits (who are not actors in suits, but rather killer robots) begin killing the show's producers and fans on the set.
Why are the Banana Splits killer robots? No idea. Does it make any sense? Not in the slightest. Is it any good? No, not even in a "so bad it's good" kind of way. The whole thing is just weird, dumb, and poorly made. It's obviously not meant to be taken seriously, and yet it isn't really a parody or comedy either. It just falls flat on every level.
And just think. Someone actually said "Let's remake the Banana Splits TV show, but instead of being a light hearted slapstick comedy, it will be a gore movie! And instead of being actors in suits, they will be killer robots!" And then that person pitched this to someone else who said "That's a great idea, here's a ton of money to make it!" It boggles the mind.
And who exactly is this movie made for anyways? It's certainly not a tribute to the original TV show for kids - fans of the original show will have their childhood memories of their beloved comedic slapstick characters destroyed by seeing them transformed into killer robots in a gore movie.
Fans of the Five Nights At Freddy's game will find this to be a pale imitation / rip-off.
I guess fans of really stupid, poorly written, poorly acted, gory horror movies with bad CGI and gore effects, who have never seen, or feel no connection to, the original TV show MIGHT like this. But check your brain at the door. Or better yet, check out something like KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE instead.
Weird, stupid, and terrible. If you absolutely must see it, don't waste your money on it. Download it or wait for it to pop up on cable.