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Chaos Walking (2021)
Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible
How can this be so terrible when the books are so good? Did Patrick Ness really have anything to do with writing the screenplay or did they just credit him out of politeness? Why on Earth did they get rid of the dog that says "Todd! Poo!" all the time?
The Departed (2006)
This won Oscars????
Scorsese's made some great films in his time, but this is absolute crap. Quite apart from anything else it's boring as hell.
Jack Nicholson plays Jack Nicholson. Matt Damon plays Matt Damon. Leonardo DiCaprio plays Leonardo DiCaprio. Fine if you like that sort of thing I suppose. On the plus side Ray Winstone plays a quieter than usual version of Ray Winstone, which is a pleasant change.
The story is pedestrian and predictable, like one of those instantly forgettable mid-nineties made for TV thrillers. The dialogue is abysmal, totally unbelievable. It's supposedly set in the present day but all the cops talk like they're gangsters in a 1970s Scorsese flick. How this screenplay could possibly have won an Oscar is beyond me.
Koma (2019)
Awful dubbing
Looks great, sounds awful. The acting on the dubbed dialogue is embarrassingly bad. I'd much rather hear the original audio with subtitles, but that doesn't seem to be an option.
Sneaky Pete (2015)
Awful Third Season
Season 1: eight stars
Season 2: ten stars
Season 3: minus several thousand stars
I don't know if the writers/producers changed for the third season, but this series is unrecognisable.
The Millionaire Tour (2012)
Lame
Don't believe the positive reviews. I did, and wasted a couple of hours of my life.
This is not a clever thriller. It's dull, derivative, barely watchable, and what plot twists there are are horribly obvious and heavily telegraphed.
On the plus side they've done a lot with a limited budget, it's just a shame they couldn't afford a decent scriptwriter.
The Good Liar (2019)
Full of holes
I enjoyed the first half an hour or so, but it was all downhill from there and everything really falls apart in the final third. There are way, way too many ludicrous plot holes and the Berlin flashback stuff is just a load of old nonsense.
Neither Sir Ian nor Dame Helen have anything to be proud. Not quite career worst performances, but they can both do far, far better than this.
Rather disappointing all round.
The Wheel of Time (2021)
What the?
You'd think with all the billions the streaming services are raking in they could afford to pay some actors who can actually act. And some writers who can actually write. And maybe a director who can actually direct. Would that be too much to ask?
They've clearly spent some money on effects, which are vaguely effective, but the long drawn-out magic fights are just plain boring.
Oh, and the wardrobe is all over the place. Each character looks like they're from a completely different universe from the others.
The Convincer (2011)
Fargo for the hard of thinking
This was a really painful watch. The con is neither interesting nor original, and every aspect of it is so heavily telegraphed that the expositional montage at the end is not only unnecessary but an insult to just about anyone's intelligence.
Hesher (2010)
Brilliant
Absolutely loved this film. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is amazing as Hesher, and the rest of the cast are not half bad either.
I know that's less than 150 characters, but I don't want to accidentally spoil the plot for anyone.
Moon Dogs (2016)
Manic pixie dream-girl much?
This is very nicely shot and has some great Scottish scenery, but it has a fatal flaw: none of the main characters is even vaguely believable as an awkward 18 year-old. Casting extremely attractive uber-confident twenty-somethings as shy withdrawn teenagers can sometimes work (e.g. Derry Girls) but more often than not it's just ridiculous.
The acting from the leads is pretty ropey (though some of the supporting cast aren't quite so bad) and the script is terrible. Almost no plot, nobody acts in even a vaguely believable way, pacing is all over the place, lots of montages. It seems very much like they shot someone's first draft; there's the beginnings of a story here, and with some serious rewriting maybe the script could have been knocked into some sort of shape.
Would give this about a minus ten if I could.
Us (2019)
Awesome!
This is a great film. Looks fantastic, sounds fantastic. Tightly directed and well acted. I do have to knock one point off for the very obviously telegraphed "twist" though.
Dave Made a Maze (2017)
Unamazed
I wish I'd spent 90 minutes stuck in a cardboard box with a bunch of hipsters instead of watching this crap.
Lovely idea. Really original and interesting. Unfortunately everything else about this movie is terrible. There's basically no plot, the dialogue is toe-curlingly bad, and the less said about the acting the better.
The Numbers Station (2013)
OMG
I am so triggered right now. She is speaking into the end of a side-address microphone. I mean, WTAF?
2 stars just because I feel sorry for John Cusak.
Kill Me Three Times (2014)
What did I just watch?
Simon Pegg films tend to be either brilliant or awful. This is not brilliant.
Alienated (2021)
Worst. Acting. Ever.
Sorry, I could only make it through about five minutes of this. But in that time I was treated to some of the most bizarre Irish accents I've ever heard. At least, I think they were trying to sound Irish.
Seat 25 (2017)
Award-wining? Seriously?
Why oh why does Amazon Prime video think I like this kind of low-budget crap?
This seems like a bad student project, though if it was made by students they must have missed the lecture where they tell you to avoid starting your film with huge clunky chunks of exposition in voiceover. And the course where they teach you to write a half decent flipping screenplay. And the acting workshops.
I think they must have thought they were being quirky and clever and original, but they were actually being twee and bland and soulless.
The soundtrack is dreadfully cloying and repetitive and will make you want to smash your speakers.
I find it hard to imagine they made 24 other Seat films before this one. I certainly won't be watching any of them if I can help it.
The Kitchen (2019)
Has everyone forgotten how to make movies?
On paper this film has everything going for it: three great female leads, an interesting premise, a well-realised period setting. But it's almost unwatchably bad. The writing is just cr*p, the plot is paper thin, and most of the action happens in the form of lazy musical montages.
The Kitchen really seems like it was designed for people to have on in the background while they're doing something else more interesting. You could sleep through half of it and not miss anything. Hell, you could sleep through all of it and not miss anything.
Oh, and you can just tell how pleased they were with themselves when they came up with the title. The Kitchen... geddit? Cos they're women, and they're running the kitchen. Only it's not an actual kitchen, it's Hell's Kitchen. The neighbourhood. What larks!
The Voyeurs (2021)
Absolute f*%&ing trash
When will I ever learn? Amazon originals you've never heard of are almost guaranteed to be terrible. This is no exception.
It's like a very slightly naughty version of Rear Window, made by someone who's never seen Rear Window. Or seen a rear. Or looked through a window.
Gold (2016)
Dull as ditchwater
Guy finds gold. Guy doesn't find gold. Who cares? Not me.
Blue Iguana (2018)
Ugly Betty Syndrome
I almost enjoyed this film, but it's got a nasty misogynistic streak and I absolutely hate the way that people in "the movies" think that if an incredibly attractive actress puts glasses on and hunches a bit she will magically look ugly. I mean, almost every single male character tells Phoebe Fox she's ugly in no uncertain terms. If she were actually unattractive it would be rather rude, but as it is it's just ridiculous.
The Perfect Host (2010)
Fantastic!
This is a fantastic little film. David Hyde-Pierce is brilliant, and the story is great.
Random Quest (2006)
Unwatchable
This might be great, but Amazon have uploaded it in the wrong aspect ratio so it's pretty much unwatchable.
Anti Matter (2016)
Managed about three minutes
Absolutely dire.
Review is too short? Film is too bad.
Time Bandits (1981)
Only 7/10????
Are you kidding me IMDB? This is the greatest family film about time-travelling dwarfs ever made. What's wrong with you?
The Counselor (2013)
Absolute Trash
Believe all the negative reviews. It really is that bad. I thought I'd give it a chance and I really wish I hadn't.
The script reads like it was written by a fourteen year-old boy who thinks he's much smarter than he is. The plot is very thin and very stupid. The acting is uniformly terrible, even Penelope Cruz is awful. The violence and some of the sex is pretty distasteful. And the worst thing is it's SOOOOO boring.