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kescross
Professional writer. No, really...
Waddya mean, 'people actually pay you'? *Is deeply offended by obvious cynicism of the Great Unwashed* Cheeky buggers...
Favourite films: (In no particular order, except for Lock, Stock...)
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
Snatch
Dog Soldiers (A REALLY scary, funny, brilliant BRITISH Werewolf film)
Gone in Sixty Seconds
Enemy of the State
The Matrix.
V for Vendetta
The Departed
Van Helsing
Mrs Brown
Driving Miss Daisy
Any of the Ghostbusters films
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves (just to watch Alan Rickman act Kevin Costner off the screen)
Space Theatre 3000
The Colour Purple
2001
Dogma
Oh brother where art thou
JFK
The Shawshank Redemption
Saving Grace
Combover: The Movie (Just about the funniest documentary EVER)
Ice Age & Ice Age 2 - The Meltdown (Scrat HAS to have his own film!)
Serenity
The 51st State
Point Break
Men in Black (1 & 2)
Crash
Favourite programmes:
Numb3rs
Supernatural
Spooks
Anything about ancient Eygpt
Anything about volcanoes (What? I happen to think they're interesting, okay?)
World Superbikes
British Superbikes
Fifth Gear
Top Gear (I admit it, my ecological warrior friends. I'm a petrolhead. Sue me...)
The Gadget Show
Mythbusters
Mock the Week
QI
The State Within
Torchwood
NCIS
Frasier
Due South
Scrubs
Dr Who
Medium
Apparitions
The Beast
Family Guy
The Simpsons
Favourite authors:
Terry Pratchett (a god who walks amongst men, albeit a small god...).
Bill Bryson
Terry Brooks
Carl Sagan
Hobbies and interests
Writing
Archery
Shooting
Martial Arts
Extreme keep fit
Motorbikes and anything with an infernal combustion engine (yes, I know it's 'internal', but if you owned a Citroen, you'd say infernal as well...)
Film
Music:
Complete and unashamed metalhead, including AC/DC, Megadeath, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Nickelback, Led Zep, Deep Purple and all other classic rock.
Jimi Hendrix
Blues (particularly Delta and Chicago styles)
Bluegrass
British folk music (and nooo, not the kind sung by intent beardy-weirdies who drink real ale, wear knitted sweaters and stick their fingers in their ears whilst warbling tunelessly about milk maidens and spotted freakin' cows - the proper, Civil war stuff
Hardcore Trance
Currently working on:
Pilot scripts for TV shows
Film scripts
Web-content production
Copywriting editing
Advertising copywriting
Story for 'Hellmouth' Anthology
Kes is now currently out of commission on due to a very high writing workload. She can be contacted via pm's, MySpace or, if you're really lucky and part of the 'INNER CIRCLE', by email. The odd smart-ass posts will be scattered around, just to keep my hand in with the crap one-liners. Hey, it's what my public expects of me...
Completed:
Script Frenzy 2008 with Zeros and Ones
Underworld Pilot script about to be pimped all OVER the place
Ghostwriting a book about life in Croatia for a client
BIG shout-out to the Tricksters, namely me, AJ and Snow...
Question that requires the person you ask it of to know you and realise that you're actually joking: (Actually said to my local chemist by me last week):'OK buddy, what's the strongest painkiller you can sell without me having to resort to a ski mask and a shotgun?'
Pearls of wisdom: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't...
And...
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes.
And...(my old sig)
I warn you. I'm armed to the teeth with a deadly arsenal of crap one-liners.
All additional information on this bio has been deemed unsuitable for public distribution and in the interests of national security and the sanity of anyone reading it has therefore been removed...
Reviews
Demons (2009)
Good grief Charlie Brown...
If there was any way I could give this 0 out of 10, I would. Hell, if there was any way I could give this a MINUS number, I would. This dreadful (and I'm embarrassed to say this as a Brit) English attempt at Buffy the Vampire Slayer is probably the worst thing I have yet to see on British television. A laughable script is compounded by wooden acting, a bizarre "American" accent from one of the leads, primary school style special effects (a scrimshaw nose? Seriously?) and "half-life" demons that I'm sure have day jobs in the local fast food takeaway asking people if they'd "like fries with that". ITV already have the UK rights to show a far superior version of this kind of programming in the form of "Supernatural", which is everything that "Demons" isn't. They should take advantage of those rights, show Supernatural in place of Demons and hope that everyone scarred by the experience of being subjected to this hooey don't press charges...
Avoid.
Kes
Bonekickers (2008)
Worst. Show. Ever.
We eagerly awaited the premiere of Bonekickers in the UK. At last, a prime-time programme that had it all - our nation's love of our own history, a bit of Time Team thrown in, adventure, established actors, you name it, it promised it. The trailers offered excitement, passion and a bloke with a sword.
Then we watched it.
As a nation, we stared, dumbfounded, at the screen. Was this for real? Apparently, the True Cross is under a dovecote somewhere in Wiltshire, along with a load of other crosses. An evil baddie wants to get his hands on it as a rallying point for all fundamental Christians, thus waging his own personal crusade against "Unbelievers". Mate, I got news for you. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would believe just how bad this tosh really was unless they had seen it with their own eyes.
Dreadful dialogue (Example: "This is rewriting the book stuff!"), even worse acting, some nurse with a splinter in her finger, the most suspect archaeology I have ever seen (If Tony Robinson was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave right about now) - seriously, the list of what is wrong with this show is too great to list here.
If there was the facility on the ratings system here, I'd probably push for a minus number. It really doesn't deserve the one I gave it.
Avoid.
Avoid like the proverbial plague...
EDIT: OK, three weeks in and, god damn it, I'm sorry, but I have to retract at least some of the above. Truthfully? It's HILARIOUS! This is quite possibly one of the funniest things on television to date. It's managed to go through bad and out the other side into side-splitting hilarity with aplomb. The pyromania (perhaps a certified Archaeologist out there can confirm for me if it's standard practice to BURN EVERY SITE YOU DIG to the ground...), the wonderful, bottom-lip-quivering speeches, the random use of cellos for background music, Professor Magrat's compulsion to burst into tears at every given opportunity, thus showing her vulnerable side, seriously, folks, this is marvellous stuff!
Just, for the love of Jehovah, don't take it seriously, will you?
Kes