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The Wheel of Time (2021)
Laughable waste of time
Tried to watch. Couldn't make it past the first episode. Definitely not like Game of Thrones. Seemed it was created for Gen Z by Gen Z. All the standard tropes: Go pussy-power! - check. Forced ALL-inclusive diversity - tick all boxes? Check! Required male fragility? Obviously. Check. Etc etc.
Forget about this. Utter waste of money and everyone's time.
The Witcher (2019)
There is absolutely no story
Of all the magic tricks they should have first conjured up a story. There is absolutely no story. Repeat after me there is absolutely no story! TnA can only take you so far ...we need a damn story!! And one that follows!! The Witcher is like a bunch of different script writers and directors came together and wrote and directed a different episode each without ever talking to each other. Yes there are good looking women, the acting is decent, but without a story to attach to, this whole sorry thing is just a meandering mess. It's almost funny how serious the actors look when they say their lines, with all the solemnity of a Fed chairman giving his outlook on interest rates, yet when you pause and think about it, the whole bit is such campy gibberish that you are left marveling at the acting skill required to say that nonsense with a straight face. Feel sorry for the ooor actors!
Cobra (1986)
Over the top but an 80s classic!!
The sheer lunacy of the movie will astound you. And bore you. And you will be left in a state of awe at what the 80s audience would buy from an action hero. And you will wonder how he survives those car chases, has no accountability, is a perfect shot, has that sixth sense of an assassin and above all, just how big of an issue crime was back then, when consider a criminally homicidal gang that kills people in a major city with such frequency and rapidity that today Seal Team 6 would be deployed on their ass, came across as acceptable to the script writers and audience back then. But still, it's a classic piece of enjoyable nonsense especially if you are nostalgic for the 80s.
Last Man Down (2021)
It roundtrips past "so bad it's good" back to "awful"
A bunch of Swedish bodybuilders get together one night, and over a kegger and bawdy jokes watching 80s Schwarzenegger movies and decide "hey, we can do this too! Why not? We have the bods, the butts, the buff legs and arms m, and can find a babe. And no way that Austrian accent is better than our socialized Norwegian patois soaked in English. Plus we've signed up a nude model to do decidedly non-nude scenes. Our dialogues will be ripped straight from 80s VHS tapes with no context and dripping with enough cheese to start a Dominos franchise. What could possibly go wrong????"
And they try. I stress, they really really try. They bulge their biceps together, not groom their bustling beards, and give it the old bodybuilder try. If this was movie school they'd get an A for effort. Not very entertaining, but it's fun watching them take it seriously when they know the world is doubled down trying to keep it in. But boy do they try. It is like watching a bunch of toddlers make something that only they can be proud of. Actually at times it is so bad as to make you lose control as you guffaw out loud, just before the appalling realization - damn, I just wasted 30 minutes I will never get back - dawns on you. No Thank you to you Fansu and Daniel.
Reminiscence (2021)
A meandering, soporific mess
For a movie about memories, it is ironic then that most people will probably have none about this ridiculous and tedious affair. Initially the premise seems interesting but after you spend nearly an hour waiting for something to happen, you realize, damn, this is really boring. Really, really boring. And then the rational among is turn it off. Seriously folks, your time is worth more than this. Feel sorry for the the Wolverine and spy lady from Mission Impossible who probably didn't realize what a snooze-fest they were getting overpaid for. You are better off watching reruns of their better movies.
Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (2021)
More cartoon than movie
Ideally a movie like this could easily be made with a lot more noir and seriousness. This shambolic film, however, simply comes across as a mega silly endeavor, pathetically sanitized for consumption by children.
The plot arc follows a pretty predictable revenge thriller for the first 15-20 minutes, which is fine, Except that in the execution it gets more and more ridiculous to the point where you just want to fast forward through the whole thing. Racially diverse ninjas? You got it. Magic? You got it. Love affairs after a few sentences? Sure why not. Snake eyes is so damn charming he can get a woman, who is initially suspicious of him, to lay her life down for him, Just by smiling and batting his eyelashes. Move over James Bond.
This blunder is conspicuously lacking in any meaningful dialogue, character building, humor, gravitas or basically anything to really connect you to the characters. Snake eyes goes from a drifter engaging in street fights for money to a master swordsman virtually overnight. How does he develop the skills? Who knows. Maybe we'll need another origin story to get into that.
At some point Disney has to learn that simply mindlessly stringing together bland action sequences does not make a movie. But I guess it sure makes them a lot of money for very little cost and effort or talent for that matter.
F9 (2021)
Austin Powers meets Avengers
The writers and directors just plain gave up and it's quite obvious they simply asked their 10-year-old kids "ok, we can't think of anything, but we know we can milk the viewers for another hundred million dollars, so what do you think the plot should be?"
Also the most surprising part of the movie is the fact that these big name actors actually agreed to make this turd, which transcends and then utterly smashes all the usual laws of Hollywood absurdity. We knew such gems never obeyed the physical laws of mechanics, but now even the sky is no longer the limit for the Immortals of F&F - even electromagnetism and space itself is no longer immune from their hijinks. Our intrepid protagonists' biologies render them not only impervious to shrapnel, bullets, knifes, broken glass, kicks, punches, but somehow rather endow them with the superhuman strength and intellect that only the genius possess and the insane lament. With F9, we have reached a dimension even Austin Powers would have trouble comprehending. Wait, reached? Hell, blew right past.
This is not your usual explosion and bullet filled campy actioneer, where every bullet misses, cars rolled and crushed like blunts don't bruise the heroes, missiles create harmless explosions; this is something else entirely. Still don't know how exactly to describe the unholy mess I just witnessed, mouth agape, brain still trying to make sense of it. Yes folks, a movie can be this bad, Although I think it's a safe bet that few other movies will each this level of preposterousness any time soon. In that sense, this seminal work stand alone in its greatness.
The Marksman (2021)
Not to be Taken for granted
After Picasso struck it big, any squiggle of his was considered very valuable. Apparently this is what the producers of this monstrosity thought of Neeson. What are the ways to describe this mess?
What are other ways to say silly?
Silly denotes extreme and conspicuous foolishness; it may also refer to pointlessness of jokes, remarks, etc.: silly and senseless behavior; a perfectly silly statement. Inane applies to silliness that is notably lacking in content, sense, or point: inane questions that leave one with no reply. Foolish implies a lack of common sense or good judgment or, sometimes, a weakness of mind: a foolish decision; The child seems foolish. Fatuous implies being not only foolish, dull, and vacant in mind, but complacent and highly self-satisfied as well: fatuous and self-important; fatuous answers. Stupid implies natural slowness or dullness of intellect, or, sometimes, a benumbed or dazed state of mind; it is also used to mean foolish or silly: He was rendered stupid by a blow; It is stupid to do such a thing. Asinine originally meant like an ass; it applies to witlessly stupid conversations or conduct and suggests a lack of social grace or perception: He failed to notice the reaction to his asinine remarks.
Courtesy of Thesaurus dot com.
Infinite (2021)
Good premise, meh execution, poor storytelling
Very poor script for an otherwise promising premise. Others have elucidated upon basics of the plot so I will not get into it. I just have one question. Spoilers ahead:
The whole movie is basically about preventing the end of the world by preventing a madman, Bathurst, and his acolytes from getting their hands on a mysterious device known as "the egg". The "genius" who created it, and all known ways of recreating it, are killed and destroyed by the protagonist, Treadway.
The movie opens with Treadway in possession of the egg. In PHYSICAL possession of the egg. Holding it, while he is driving, being chased by aforementioned bad guys.
So here is the question. Why doesn't he just destroy it, then and there?? Instead of trying to "cleverly" hide it and leaving clues as to where? Yes, yes, we know why. It's plot-holes like that that give this whole movie a very comic-like feel. Why doesn't Bathurst simply "freeze" his own soul like he freezes others? If he can get someone to create a doomsday device, he ought to be able to get someone to create a "fridge" of sorts.. like the Ghostbusters' ghost-traps but one that should last indefinitely? He certainly seems to have enough money and resources.
Another thing. The leading lady confidently mentions there are about 500 "Infinites". And how do the "Infinites" know how many people there are, like them? How would anyone seek out such a person? How do they know when the 2nd life begins? Why is it assumed the number of such people is finite?
And finally, suppose Bathurst did succeed, how do we know he will not simply reincarnate into some slug on some other planet? Or as some alien bacterium? Can you imagine eternity spent endlessly coming back as some alien fauna? How is that worse than living out multiple lives on Earth? Is that a risk worth taking?
And one final critique. Much like in Mile 22, Marky Mark talks too much. Way too much.
Otherwise an interesting time-pass movie.
V for Vendetta (2005)
One of the best movies of all time
This is such a superb movie it will leave you speechless; if you have a soul that is. It is a philosophical and artistic masterpiece that only grows more relevant with time. The cinematography is second to none, but where the movie excels is in the dialogue - the script and plot. The movie explores our need for and questions the essence of love, security, freedom - the most elemental of human instincts and how they can be perverted, used and abused. This movie should be required viewing for any class in history, philosophy or political science. It is art at its finest. It is a study in our basest nature laid bare, a lesson in redemption, love and values. In short, you really should watch this film and encourage anyone you care about to watch as well.
The Stand (2020)
Cinematic melatonin
A snoozefest... purchased from Yawns-R-us, in competition with Nyquil and all forms of Benadryl. Predictable, boring, the damn thing just keeps dragging on and on and on and on and on.... if you speed through the first episode and speed through the last, you will finished this entire series in about 10 mins and be just as informed had you wasted your life sitting through this monstrosity. The only horror here is the boredom that creeps up on you, slowly at first, and then overwhelms you. Watching the two worst teams in baseball play a best of 7, while you are locked in the stadium with no beer... you get the picture. Avoid.
Stephen King - guess some people like his novels and style - simple to read, easy to digest, excessively long in length, not at all scary - not my cup of tea. But to each his own. Her own.
Jiu Jitsu (2020)
Nicolas Cage and Tony Jaa!!
Just watched this monstrosity out of curiosity as Nic Cage was in it. Regardless of the quality of the movie, one thing is for sure - Nicolas Cage sure is a prodigious film maker. One really has to admire the fact that he just keeps pumping out these straight to video movies as if they were Knight Rider episodes from the 80s. One after that other with clockwork regularity, he puts them out. He REALLY likes making movies. AND he puts his heart into the role, no matter how silly the movie. One HAS to admire that. And despite his advancing years, he's still got the moves. He's fitter than most men his age or even many younger stars.
So, put aside your criticisms - yes this is a silly movie - it's not to be taken too seriously - A Ninja meets Predator mashup - have fun with it. Nic Cage is doing his best to entertain you and he's far better at it than Steven Segal. And as a bonus Tony Jaa is also in it! I really hope he makes a comeback into mainstream movies - I do have a soft spot for the guy. (Also Tony) Keep at it Nikky!!
Enemy (2013)
Do not bother
Watched this on fast forward. Predictable nonsense for the most part. Unless you are into art house movies that end abruptly with no rhyme, reason or explanation, make you feel like someone slipped some acid in your drink, do not waste your time. This is just a slow dragfest that tortures the viewer to an abrupt, laughably ridiculous ending.
Without Remorse (2021)
Without a point
If the entire crew involved in the production of this abomination have no remorse, they ought to have. Plenty of remorse. For subjecting an already traumatized public to this collection of pixelized garbage. This silly shoot'em-up deserves to be taken out back, shot (without remorse) and buried in an anonymous plot, never to be mentioned again ... or quarantined forever in Yucca Mountain along with all other radioactive waste.
Re the "movie": There wasn't a lot of character development or laying the premise for a good story. Scratch that. There was none. Plot holes are abundant and the story does not follow in most instances. It would have behooved the writers to have read some real life accounts of spies and covert action before contriving a clearly comically simple but hackneyed revenge plot using characters out of a novel they clearly did not bother to read. Clancy would by no means win any literature awards but at least he usually got the technical and operational details right, usually to a fault. This is by far the worst adaptation of any Tom Clancy novel. The acting by most of the cast is wooden and phoned in. It's sad the only "Guy" with any real convincing portrayal is the villain. Throughout the movie you'll be going - What?? Why??? How??? It really is that bad. It's like a bad Avengers movie met Get Smart on a 007 set.
Unless action IS the plot - eg The Raid, Extraction... Action and violence should be used sparingly and to further the plot of the movie. There should also be some sense and purpose to the action sequences. This movie - fuggeddaboutit.
For example. And by no means an exhaustive list of "huh why??" forehead slapping moments that make one yell at the poor TV, but a quick sampler. Spoilers ahead.
Why would anyone think T-boning a car, AT AN AIRPORT, setting it on fire and jumping into it would be the best course of interrogating someone? And then jumping out and promptly EXPECTING to get arrested. What would you do with any info gained from that theatrical exercise in futility? Wait till the end of the prison sentence to act upon it? This is the type of plan an experienced SEAL would hatch? One that depends on the police pulling over a diplomatic vehicle?? Why would a nearly empty plane be operating with the interior lights on, when even full passenger planes have their lights dimmed? Why was the first thought of a team that's fully geared up with parachutes and about to HAHO out of such a plane decide : No!! We're going to go down with the plane rather than jump, especially when a missile strikes the plane? Who thinks that two black team members can easily blend in covertly into .... *ahem*.. Russia? How easy is it to just "disappear" after shooting up a city block... in Russia? And if the team was betrayed from the start and never expected to survive, how is it they made their exfil, presuming their treasonous paymasters were in on the whole plan from the beginning?
As a wise former president observed many a year ago: "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?" Clearly the millennial generation writing these crappy movies still has a ways to go. Despite having a perfectly decent plot laid out for them in the book they still managed to royally screw up the movie - I mean how hard should it be really to make Rambo meets Death Wish?
SAS: Red Notice (2021)
Diehard meets the Wild Geese
A lot of effort spent for something quite mediocre. If anyone passes on this, it would be truly understandable. There seem to be a lot of high profile stars for something that has the plot of a made for TV movie but the direction and cinematography of higher budget films. In short it's basically a confusing mess.
Berlin Station (2016)
Complex, Intriguing, Engaging
Its closest analogue would be Homeland. Both series have their plots ripped straight from the news headlines and ongoing geopolitical events. Even for the novice viewer, this makes the series more relatable and gives an engaging look at the (necessarily dramatized) workings of governments and espionage operations. Well done series.
Jago: A Life Underwater (2015)
The Old Man and the Sea - Redux
The other commentators have covered it. Just want to add - the hard, diving dude who is the focus of the film, who narrates his story - wow - he is a real poet. (And any guy who uses a block of wood as a pillow is hardcore in my book). If he weren't fishing with a spear at the bottom of the sea, he could have given most we take to be great authors, a good run for their money. His captivating dialogue alone is worth the 10 stars, let alone the hauntingly beautiful scenes underwater, as well as the beautiful yet poignant story of one of the Bajau people. What a documentary! What a film! Bravo!! Masterpiece.
Hardcore Henry (2015)
Unique, inventive and much more interesting than you might think
A film that is far more interesting, original, funny, inventive and raucous than the trailer would lead you to presume. I put this off for a while thinking it would just be a rote action thriller, with just a eyeball POV.
Not exactly. Overall I applaud the directors and writers - this was a much more fun ride than many other action moves. It doesn't take itself too seriously, is quite funny (in a macabre way of course) at times, the action and gore don't hold back. It is definitely unique.
Mosul (2019)
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Normally I write a review when I'm rankled enough by the god-awfulness of a movie. It serves as a good outlet and hopefully a warning to others to not waste their time. In this case, it is the total opposite. I cannot say enough good things about this movie.
What a powerful movie. The fight scenes are better than in Saving Private Ryan. And it's a stark depiction of the horrors of war that most Americans choose to rather avoid. This is what we wrought when we invaded Iraq. Set off a chain reaction that is burning to this day. Every American should watch this. Every soldier hungry for glory should watch this. Every citizen who votes should watch this.
Outlaw King (2018)
Forgettable
Unwatchable movie. Boring as hell. Utterly forgettable. So forgettable that I can't even summarize the plot coherently. The only thing I remember about this movie is the expression on Chris Pine's face, because he wears it throughout - no change ever - he manages to wear that EXACT same dazed, faraway, partially confused, serious look that one puts on when one attends a meeting at work but has totally forgotten about his deliverable, and desperately hopes that the boss won't call on him. Except the Outlaw King's thought bubble seems to be reading.. "What the *bleep* am I doing here in a fancy bathrobe? Shouldn't I be plotting a course through the stars in a fancy spaceship instead? How long must I endure this agony?". In other words, the exact same thoughts we, as viewers, are thinking as we watch this atrocity. No thanks. Better fare awaits.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
I bet many wish this movie had never been made.
What a terrible movie. What a terrible plot. Of all the things they could have done, a rehash of Aladdin was all we got.
Whoever produced, wrote and directed this monstrosity - I commend you all. It's not easy to burn through $200m while producing nothing of value in return - but you managed to outdo Clooney's $100m disaster - Midnight Sky - and make it look like a masterpiece in comparison.
I could not finish this abomination. I would not recommend others waste their precious time either.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
The Midnight Waste of Time
Seriously - think of $100m worth of vaccines or just food or aid distributed to the poor and needy. Instead someone thought this load of crap was more worth it. Let's give Clooney $100m - what could go wrong? And boy did he deliver. A turd in a league of its own.
Ok - here's the gist. In the near future, a possibly habitable moon of Jupiter is discovered. A crew is dispatched to investigate. While they're gone, for some reason they're completely incommunicado, and back on Earth, climate change suddenly ravages and blows up the Earth. The planet is evacuated, and everyone is put on helicopters to go somewhere, curl up and die. No Bill Pullman here inspiring humanity to do an end-run around destiny, to fight on. Nope. Just give up. The movie does not relish in details like where exactly they go, how, or what they'll do to survive, or for how long. Nor how so many helicopters could be built, even in the future, or whether they are spacecraft or whatever vehicles are required to completely empty the earth. In two years. It does not get into whether Eric Trump is President and whether climate denialism is still a thing and why half the people are not protesting the other half no matter what, as is wont in a post-truth society. All we know is something really bad happens to the air and the Earth somehow is totally evacuated in two years.
Clooney is cast as a terminally ill astronomer (again, why? What is the relevance? Everyone is doomed as it is) who discovers the said habitable planet, but inexplicably stays behind to man an arctic observatory. No explanation offered, none required. Somehow this one aging, sick man can run an entire site in the middle of the Arctic, singlehanded. I guess now we know why there is so much unemployment. Robots - first they dance, then they take our jobs. Anyways, upon the ship's return, the exploratory mission cannot find anyone to answer their phone calls. In an act of desperation, they even attempt to contact India and Australia. I guess that is when you know it is an emergency when the India call center won't take your calls. BTW Calling India - this is a decision reached with no small amount of deliberation by the crew, mind you. Why? Who knows.
Clooney, by the way, is bored stiff and while playing gin rummy wiling away the final hours, by accident suddenly realizes this ship is due back. Typical oh crap! Moment. And tries to raise the crew. Guess everyone forgot about the first manned mission to Jupiter? Clooney however finds out his high-tech setup isn't high tech enough to even send a text message to the intrepid explorers as they hurtle back from the unknown. Never mind that we have been communicating with remote spaceships like Voyager since the 70s, with much less powerful equipment.
Anyway, Clooney discovers he is not alone in his Arctic refuge. A lost child lurks within the site. And has been sleeping in some shelves somewhere, but apparently is not any worse for wear as she somehow also has found plenty of food, despite not knowing where the kitchen is. Again, let's not get into the plot-holes.
Clooney locates ANOTHER billion-dollar mega-tech site, a short hop away by snowmobile. Why you would put two large expensive antenna sites side-by-side, in the Arctic, who knows. But, with aid of this child, or despite her, he climbs aboard a snowmobile to trek to this other high tech station to have a chat with the returning ship to let them know to not come back because of how royally we screwed things up in the two years they were gone (yes folks, climate change only takes that long to wreak havoc).
Along the way, he faces some inexplicable but ridiculous adventures, nearly drowns, shoots someone, and is stalked by wolves. The point? Probably some symbolism and metaphors missed by simpletons like this reviewer. Finally, after reaching the station, he can talk to the ship. At first, they are in disbelief. But really guys? Two years? And there has been no communication? Were they on the Santa Maria? And it couldn't have been that much of a surprise - hell, scientists are hoarse from bleating these warnings.. today!
Anyway, to the movie. Being stoic professionals, they thoughtfully analyze the situation, given the heavy implications of any action and the fact that the future of humanity is hanging in the balance. As expected, logic is promptly chucked out the nearest space hatch and sentimentality wins out. Despite the certain death that awaits them, two of the crew summon their samurai courage and choose to return to Earth anyway to face the music, and thus provide a more intimate setting for the remaining male captain and female subordinate (dim the lights & cue Marvin Gaye - "Let's get it on").
These last two plan to return to the Jovian moon from whence they came, to populate it in their new roles as Adam and Eve to restart humanity. Interestingly, the woman subordinate is ALREADY pregnant - workplace harassment? It's also interesting that it is acceptable for future professional astronauts to get pregnant on missions... on a ship designed for scientific discovery...in outer space ...is a gynecologist on board? A pediatrician? Surgeon? Not sure if the ship has a maternity ward or facilities for daycare or childbirth (actually we are - nope!) ... what if mommy and daddy want to go on parental leave after they are done dodging asteroids for the week? Let's leave all those questions floating in space, please. I guess abstinence, birth control, professional mission discipline doesn't exist in the future, at least one envisioned by Clooney, who also directs what passes for a film.
And that is pretty much it. Two survivors of humanity. With limited provisions. Going back to an alien moon to, presumably, screw away until the end of days, content they are doing it for the greater good. Not a bad way to go if you ask me. No thought though to the size of the gene pool? How are two people by themselves supposed to restart the human race? Heavy use of CRISPR? The departing suicidal crew members do not even have the courtesy to leave behind their reproductive DNA (at least not on camera). What about Earth's accumulated knowledge base: technological know-how, the arts, the humanities & other ark-like collectibles that may be required to start a colony that is man's last gasp for survival. You know, if you're back near Earth, you might wanna pick some of these things up? Even electronically? Before the planet disappears for good? Not even some Viagra guys? How about milk and groceries? Maybe even some livestock? Not even medicines?
There are more plot holes in this movie than craters on the moon. The biggest one: why this movie was ever greenlit. But in the end, the movie is not meant to be a disaster epic. It just exists to guilt you into realizing we're really messing up the planet. You are left to connect the dots from there to the burning of the Amazon (the forest, not the company). I'm guessing a run on Fox was never planned.
Probably the best thing about this movie was the cute kid, probably because she says and does nothing. Because she turns out to be a hallucination (a Sixth Sense style ghost?), a reminder that Clooney was a really bad father but one who created an awesome daughter who now pilots the aforementioned spaceship, which he had forgot about but serendipitously remembered in the knick of time to redeem himself, thanks to a game of solitaire. A hallucination she is, just like we end up hoping the movie turns out to be, because it is impossible to fathom how such a god-awful movie could be real.
With the high-profile releases of Tenet and now this abomination, maybe it is about time we recognize the editors, producers, writers & directors who take advantage of us forcibly transmogrified into couch potatoes during the Covid crisis, who think we will gullibly swallow anything their not so creative minds can barf up. They feel we shall simply marvel at how clever, witty & deep the plot & acting are, simply because they are incomprehensible & utterly impenetrable, & how thought-provoking their ideas & themes relating to humanity are dealt with through metaphors that in actuality are just pot-inspired time-fillers.
In short, they have gift wrapped their ill-thought-out and foul-smelling turds with fancy bows, made a fuss of the presentation & placed them under our plastic Christmas trees. Perhaps realizing that in the present zeitgeist, people can't even agree on basic tenets of reality (pun intended), they figured why then should we bother with critiquing mediocre fiction? It certainly seems to be a plausible thought process behind Midnight Sky and Tenet (to which Sky plays the dumber, poorer brother) - but both are equally absurd and nonsensical in their own right, yet filled to the brim with melancholic, illogical, non-sensical self-importance.
But to the Hollywood elites who want to foist their garbage onto us, the hoi polloi, let me say, dammit, some of us do give a damn! Really, we do! We will not settle for turds disguised in Rolex boxes, no matter how pretty, or how expensive they look. We will not give in. We will put up a fight. We will not go gently into the night! We will not let utter trash assail our senses and sight! We demand movies with some substance. We demand quality. We demand a plot for chrissakes! A new Zen-processor or cutting edge Nvidia graphics at the editors' desk does NOT mean you can leave the story completely by the wayside.
Net of it is that Midnight Sky is nothing but a Clooney sized dump... not the soft plop plop of gently laid turds followed by a long flush... this is instead the full-on firehose fury of an exceptionally muscular rectum pressurized by prescription-strength laxative suppositories, unleashed in an unholy mess. Goes to show that no amount of special effects or star-power can save an epically bad story.
Tenet (2020)
A meditation on turgid self-absorption
I love sci fi movies in general. This movie however is just a confused mess that takes itself way too seriously. I doubt if anyone, including eminent physicists, would be able to understand this shambling mess - precisely because it IS a shambolic mess. When the plot is so impenetrable as to successfully avoid comprehension no matter how many times you watch it, you begin to wonder whether it is a actually a movie or a modern Enigma machine that has successfully encoded a top-secret message. I would write a synopsis of the plot, but it continues to eludes me, like a well-oiled pig escaping the clutches of a hungry Kentucky farmer.
Most sci fi movies require you to suspend your imagination - the science environment is in the background - humanity is the focus. Characters, their development, their conflicts, are the focus. This movie seems confused about what it is trying to do because we develop no relatable connection to the characters, the premise is just ridiculous, the story is told in a haphazard "off-chronological" manner that just makes one feel like they are on a psychedelic acid trip, and to top it off the postulated physics itself is nonsensical.
The movie however is directed in a very serious fashion, no expense spared. The dialogue unfortunately, is muffled and the direction is poor - whatever flimsy story there is, feels disjointed and rushed. The film seems primarily focused on big action sequences, but I would hazard most of us watch movies for the primarily for the story - and this movie has none - no matter how many times you watch it. There are people writing exquisite reviews about just how intelligent the plot is, justifying it in their own varied ways, but if you need to read reviewers' (subjective) versions of what they feel the story is, just to make sense of the mess you just saw, the director and film have failed in their mission. The action scenes, no matter how cool, no matter how Michael Bay-ish the explosions, just do not make up for that fact. Pass.
2:22 (2017)
Decent
Starts strong, builds suspense... but then it goes off the rails somewhat and devolves into more of a ho-hum predictable plot. The acting is fine - no complaints. Teresa and Michiel have a palpable chemistry. The issue is the plot.. it's a little hard to follow and when you finally figure it out, the movie still has a while to go. They could have put more thought into it and ended up with a less stereotypical romantic drama.
The Rhythm Section (2020)
Awful. Just Awful. Just call it Section 8 instead..
In brief: This is nothing but a hormone soaked remake of American Assassin.
*minor spoilers ahead* - nothing major - the movie itself is so spoiled, there is really no hope of recovering from the shambling mess that it is
Here's a brief synopsis. The grief-stricken victim of a plane crash (Lively) which took her family, vows to become an assassin after being told by a journalist that the plane's downing was a terrorist attack. She somehow manages to link up with a rogue MI-6 agent (Jude Law), whose address, indeed exact coordinates are simply lying around in the journos flat. Jude takes her under his wing and develops her from a whiny drug-addicted prostitute to whiny killer in a few months. His sparse quarters in the Scottish hinterland somehow have all the appurtenances of a military training camp, including a full-on gun range with a human-like target course, along with an unlimited supply of normally illegal ammunition. Bear in mind, guns, by and large are illegal in the UK.
Unfortunately for all involved, no matter the amount of training, this is an assassin who is more competent at hysterical screaming and emotional outbursts than any combat or killing. Meet the world's first squeamish and morally upright assassin, for whom killing even the most dastardly of evil-doers is just a step too far.
The movie is just awful. A writhing mess of face-palm moments, the saving grace of which is that they are so inept and incredulous, you feel compelled to watch just to see how much more ridiculous the whole thing will get. The so called plot itself is written by someone who has never seen a spy movie nor has any inkling of the basics of how the espionage-ridden underworld of spies actually works. If they did, well, they have a funny way of showing it. You don't need to be a CIA expert to realize the plot is laughably inadequate, and that the character profile of the person swearing death and vengeance upon the terrorists, is in fact, no more capable of executing such a mission than the average housewife around the block, that too, without any training. She spends most of the time looking morose and in a grieving fugue state than providing any level of confidence that the months of training invested in her are worth any trainers time.
Perhaps the biggest mystery is why the rogue MI6 agent sends her, despite her obvious inadequacies, to execute missions, rather than doing them himself, as he obviously has nothing better to do. And despite kicked-out of from MI6, he still somehow manages to stay abreast of every minute-to-minute development in the terrorist landscape, feeding her times, dates, names and locations of of people to meet to get to the root of the terrorist web. The internet connection in the desolate lochs of Scotland must be phenomenal.
The cinematography though is surprisingly good - esp the first person POV camerawork in a car chase scene, one where Blake is hysterically screaming in terror that she's being shot at, while being chased after she accidentally does manage to kill someone with a great deal of difficulty (a wheelchair bound wheezing villain who needs oxygen at set intervals).
Bottom line is that this movie is just an awful soapy attempt at a revenge thriller. The fashion and trend these days is to have female leads, and make them look and feel empowered to make up for the past stereotyping - make them more than a match for James Bond or Jason Bourne - as Noomi Rapace tried to do in the much better film "Close". This movie does the opposite - reinforces the stereotypes of the 60s screaming, hysterical, estrogen-filled overly emotional female who faints at the sight of blood. It comes off more as Jason Bourne meets Eat Pray Love. It does improve near the end, but not enough. Not enough.