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Badass Monster Killer (2015)
Cinema Snob Fans, Rejoice!
If you are a The Cinema Snob Movie fan, and ever wondered what would have happened if Craig Golightly had directed Bright, and cast Black Angus in Will Smith's part ... here ya go. This movie is gloriously bad. Loved it!
Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
"Crap on a cracker!"
It was nice to see that the audience reaction made it into the script.
But seriously, I love "so bad, it's good" movies, and this is definitely one of them. No practical FX (even the dead bodies are CG), laughably bad dialogue, and sharks that can swim through solid earth like Bugs Bunny. What's not to love???
I give it 5 stars for the day-to-day fans, but 9 stars for fans of jailsploitation, sexploitation, and sharksploitation (like myself). If this sort of film is your cup of tea, then you will love it. I certainly did.
Dark Ditties Presents 'Finders Keepers' (2018)
The Plot Thickens
The first installment in the Dark Ditties series, The Offer, introduced us to the world of Maximilian Francis Benoit - a secretive and strange old man whose motivations for giving away millions to a group of seven complete strangers were highly questionable. (Not to mention, homicidal.) The third installment, Finders Keepers, allows us a glimpse into what happened immediately before that fateful night, including a hint at who the "winners" of the game were, and what they are planning to do in future episodes. It also lets us know whatever happened to Annie Wiltshire, and gives us a hint as to why the Gimp was so freaking insane.
It seems that Mr. Benoit has both loyal and disloyal staff in his employ. After one of them steals an important briefcase, Benoit sends two hitmen to retrieve both it and the thief. Unfortunately for said thief, two bumbling idiots happen to wander by and accidentally kill him ... setting off a series of unfortunate (and pretty darn funny) events.
It was wonderful to hear references to characters and expansions on backstories which had been introduced in the first two episodes, and it's becoming a bit of a game with fans to find all the prop "Easter eggs" and shoe references. See how many you can catch!
Brilliant performances by all the cast, as per usual. Special kudos to Mark Wingett, who makes his hitman character Frank Hardy both tough and occasionally clueless. (The gun barrel conversation in the gas station had me absolutely rolling.) Oliver Smith and Bruce Jones are simply hilarious as the clueless Smiley brothers. And the always-fantastic Simon Bamford as the unfortunate would-be thief Mr. Wainwright ... well, he was just adorkable.
Sean Schafer Hennessy delivers yet again with an incredible soundtrack that will send chills up your spine every time you hear Teddy Bears Picnic from now until the end of time..
So once again, Dark Ditties Presents delivers on the scares and the laughs. Great job, fellas!
Dark Ditties Presents 'Finders Keepers' (2018)
The Plot Thickens
The first installment in the Dark Ditties series, The Offer, introduced us to the world of Maximilian Francis Benoit - a secretive and strange old man whose motivations for giving away millions to a group of seven complete strangers were highly questionable. (Not to mention, homicidal.) The third installment, Finders Keepers, allows us a glimpse into what happened immediately before that fateful night, including a hint at who the "winners" of the game were, and what they are planning to do in future episodes. It also lets us know whatever happened to Annie Wiltshire, and gives us a hint as to why the Gimp was so freaking insane.
It seems that Mr. Benoit has both loyal and disloyal staff in his employ. After one of them steals an important briefcase, Benoit sends two hitmen to retrieve both it and the thief. Unfortunately for said thief, two bumbling idiots happen to wander by and accidentally kill him ... setting off a series of unfortunate (and pretty darn funny) events.
It was wonderful to hear references to characters and expansions on backstories which had been introduced in the first two episodes, and it's becoming a bit of a game with fans to find all the prop "Easter eggs" and shoe references. See how many you can catch!
Brilliant performances by all the cast, as per usual. Special kudos to Mark Wingett, who makes his hitman character Frank Hardy both tough and occasionally clueless. (The gun barrel conversation in the gas station had me absolutely rolling.) Oliver Smith and Bruce Jones are simply hilarious as the clueless Smiley brothers. And the always-fantastic Simon Bamford as the unfortunate would-be thief Mr. Wainwright ... well, he was just adorkable.
Sean Schafer Hennessy delivers yet again with an incredible soundtrack that will send chills up your spine every time you hear Teddy Bears Picnic from now until the end of time..
So once again, Dark Ditties Presents delivers on the scares and the laughs. Great job, fellas!
Mother! (2017)
Pass Me Kleenex ... And Chocolate!
Wow. I needed Kleenex and chocolate after watching this.
I'm staying away from wordy summaries, because if you have a Bible, you know what happens pretty much anyway. Adam & Eve, Cain & Abel, the flood, the wars, the birth of Jesus, the death of Jesus, and Armageddon are all in this movie.
I didn't cry at The Passion, but I bawled like a baby when HIM's son was killed. If you're a mother, that scene will hit you. HARD.
If you're religious, you'll probably hate it. (I'm not, so it didn't bother me.) It portrays "HIM" as a self-absorbed, fairly inactive praise junkie who neglects his loving wife (who is doing pretty much all the work in the house, and suffers mightily at the hands of HIM's fans). Some of "HIM"s followers are good (like the soldier and the midwife/"Good Samaritan"), but many are idolatrous, fanatical, even violent. And then after all is said and done and everything is destroyed, HIM laughs and starts all over again. (Was all this a joke or a game to HIM? You have to wonder.)
Great visuals, great makeup, great acting. 9/10
Maskerade (2011)
Not Bad
I liked this movie. A lot of lower-budget horror films have a lot of actors that are lacking, but in this case, the acting wasn't too bad. In fact, it's good enough to concentrate on the story, and not on the terrible deliveries. (Although that skinny girl who likes to do accents could have been MUCH better. I guess it's good that she's offed early in the film.) I guess, the best way to summarize this film is: "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Happened on Friday the 13th (in the Home of a Murdered Baby-Killing Voodoo Priestess in Louisiana)." Which is good, if you liked Jason and Bubba, and are yearning for more.
As previously mentioned by another reviewer, not a lot of on-screen gore (which, in reality is good -- too many slasher films go all out to get the shot, whereas this one gives you a little and lets your mind fill in the blanks ... very Hitchcockian if you think about it ... and something I expect from up-n-coming director Griff Furst, who also wrote the film).
The Dunwich Horror (2008)
Loved, Loved, Lovecraft!!!! WARNING: SPOILER
*** SPOILER ALERT *** OMG, I loved this movie! I am a Lovecraft fan, albeit not a purist, so I really enjoy updated takes on his stories. This movie was a really great, modern take on The Dunwich Horror. I was hooked from the very beginning to the slimy, tentacled end! Griff Furst, as Walter Rice, with his ever-so-dreamy eyes and fantastic acting, really made this movie for me. I really connected with and believed his character. Not to mention that I caught myself humming Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" a few times, LOL. Bravo, casting director!!!!! I was also happy to see Dean Stockwell (Dr. Henry Armitage) and Jeffrey Combs (Wilbur Whateley) - two exceptional Lovecraft movie alums - in this film as well. I was a fan of Stockwell's first Dunwich film also, and let's face it, Combs has brought Lovecraft mythos to life for countless fans for over 2 decades now. I only have 2 complaints. (1) Both of their deaths (Wilbur and Armitage) seemed a little quick to me ... I mean, Lovecraft is known for writing about gory, slimy death throes that can last entire lifetimes, and these two seemed to be snuffed out in a second or two. Oh, well. And (2) I just couldn't quit giggling when the 'Sumerian incantation pyramid' thing was -- a 1980's Rubik's Pyramid painted bronze (I know, because I had one 'back in the day,' LOL). I'd kind of like to see a sequel ... maybe see Rice and Morgan as a Lovecraftian X-Files??? Hello, Hollywood? :D
Spellcaster (1988)
Lots of 80's Clichés and Cheap Horrors!
OK kiddies, before we begin, let me explain what 80's movies were like: Bad hair with way too much product (can someone say "mousse abuse"?); Stereotyped characters; Synthesized music with the chorus repeated at least 6 times; Legwarmers and/or Spandex ... and on more than one occasion, Adam Ant.
Spellcaster is a horror movie that was made in 1988, but for some reason, was not released until '92. It has all of the above, including Adam Ant (who shows his hands several times, but his face for only about 5 minutes).
RockTV holds a contest where 7 "lucky" people will be flown to a Medieval Italian castle to spend the weekend with the extremely stereotypical alcoholic Brit rocker Cassandra Castle, and have a chance to win $1M. (Wow, that was a witty idea ... meet Cassandra Castle at the "Cassandra's Castle" contest).
The 7 contestants are also stereotypical: The fat American slob; The prissy California girl who thinks she's better than everyone; The rich, snobby Brit woman who hunts game; The slutty French girl who shows lots of skin in her outfits and obviously doesn't wear underwear; The criminal Italian guy who pushes himself on the ladies more than once; The boy- and girl-next-door American brother and sister team who just lost their jobs, and who could really use that million bucks.
Their host, Signor Diaboli (how the Italian guy didn't understand the man's name literally means "Mr. Devil" is beyond me) is the owner of Castle Diaboli. However, every time he is supposed to meet or greet his guests, for some reason the butler says he can't make it.
The contest begins, and each contestant (and a few RockTV employees) end up getting offed in various supernatural ways. The effects for each murder, I will admit, are good ideas ... but the execution of each effect is bad. For example, one person is eaten by a chair that has a lion's head and paws carved into it. When it bites the person, it's fang squishes like the latex foam it is. Like I said ... good idea, bad execution (but you can see the FX people really tried hard, so I can't complain TOO much).
Of course, the girl-next-door has to save the day, and she does. Diaboli ends up quitting his "normal" devilish day job for one even MORE evil ... Head VJ on RockTV ... with a great new contest for aspiring rock stars.
Hey, wait a minute ... maybe Simon Cowell is really Adam Ant! {pause} Naaaah ... couldn't be ... :P
Ghoulies (1984)
Give This Film A Chance!
Come on ... most of the 80's horror genre was cheesy. And yeah, most of the cast couldn't act. Especially Michael Des Barres. (Still holds true today.) But Mariska Hargitay has come a long way since then with Law & Order: SVU, so I think we can forgive her for that freakish Mariah Carey-decibel screaming she did by the fountain with Toad Boy.
This movie was also the first and ONLY time I saw an actual LIVE HUMAN BEING wearing battery-operated windshield wiper sunglasses ... and I lived through ALL of the 80's.
I rather enjoyed the rat, the cat, the bat and the green ... well, WHATEVER it was. And those dwarfs were pretty cute too, in a creepy "third cousin of Chucky" kind of way.
Not too sure about the whole tongue thing. I mean, why was his neck bleeding? There weren't spikes or sharp stuff on his/her tongue, so what was the deal? And was this just gratuitous transgenderizing?
Oops, I'm trying to psychoanalyze an 80's horror flick. Somebody stop me!!! :)