Lucanus Reviews

AmeriGeddon (2016)

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[1/10 · 2 October 2016]

What a flaming pile of crud. The fact that Alex Jones has a cameo told me everything I needed to know in the first few minutes. If you're looking for something like Red Dawn, or Tomorrow When The War Began, you're looking in the wrong place. Instead this seems to have been churned out by the tinfoil hat wearing NRA members who believe that the government is out to get them and conspire with foreign powers to enslave the American people. Utter crap.

Do yourself a favor, unless you are willing to take to your own melon with a sledgehammer to match the IQ of the people this film was made for, steer clear of it. It doesn't even serve as amusement - it's too preachy for any comedic value.

Nature's Weirdest Events (2012– )

Interesting Topics, Fwustwating Nawwation

[3/10 · 13 February 2016]

Whilst these shows are a dime a dozen - collecting and combining crowd-sourced video and stories - this one is somewhat interesting for me, especially the inclusion of the Sydney Red Dust Storm.

But, whoever chose to use Chris Packham (or maybe that should be Chwis Packham) to narrate it made a massive mistake in that decision. I completely understand that different people have different accents, dialects and some people live with speech impediments, but having someone narrate this series with a stereotypical English "r" > "w" speech impediment makes it extremely annoying and difficult to follow.

I spend a good chunk of my time trying to figure out whether he means "wings" or "rings", for instance, which just grates on your nerves after a while.

Like I said, interesting show, but Chris really needs to think about pursuing another career, as does the person who chose him for this series.

Saw III (2006)

Severely Disappointed

[1/10 · 2 November 2006]

I was a fan of the first Saw - I found the very tightly knitted mix of horror, suspense and twists, and the unpredictability of a relatively new concept really intriguing.

Having missed Saw II, I watched Saw III hoping that the initial formula had somehow been extended and maintained.... I was most certainly disappointed.

The first few "challenges" were nothing more than a gore-fest. The thrill and suspense of the challenges faced in the original Saw replaced with ideas designed to do nothing more than test how well you could hold onto your last meal. There was no rhyme, no reason, and paper-thin plots. Although, I do admit that the plots may have been thicker if I had seen Saw II. But any episode in a good series should be able to stand on it's own without _needing_ the prior episodes to work.

After enduring the first 20 minutes of blood and guts the storyline of the movie started to develop, but it was hard to actually connect with it as there was the constant fear that the next second another disembowelment or similar would jar you out of the storyline again.

I think that the only real review and punishment for this film would probably be to lock the director/producer/writer into a chair and give them a choice of watching the film continuously or hacking their own legs off. I think they'd lose their legs, if they have any taste.

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Could have established the M:i franchise, but ends up being more self-serving than anything else.

[4/10 · 10 May 2006]

I went into this film without any real expectations. I had heard mixed reviews and so I watched it with an open mind, hoping for more of the Mission:Impossible magic which started with the first film and was expanded upon (again, with mixed reviews) in M:i:II.

The plot was good, and had enough twists and turns built into it to ensure that the viewer could have been thrown all over their chair as it jinxed it's way across the screen, but, sadly, some of those opportunities seem to have been sacrificed for what I can only guess is self-serving propaganda on the part of Mr Cruise.

The idea of Ethan being recalled from semi-retirement into active field duties to recover one of his students who has been captured was an interesting lead-in. However questions are raised regarding the relationship he had with his former student and none of those questions are really put to bed in any comprehensive way. The closest we get is Luther being told that Ethan considered her to be like his sister to which he replies "Did you ever f**k your sister?", but that's as close to enlightened as we get.

The juggling act which Ethan has to do trying to have a normal life an relationship as well as maintain his activities with the IMF is a nice feature in this film too. Even if it is a little close to "True Lies" in some respects.

What disappointed me the most, however, was the conclusion of the film. Davian has Ethan's wife held captive and is threatening to shoot her in front of Ethan. When I was watching this I was sure that they were going to kill her off, a la James Bond, and so establish Ethan as an eternal bachelor unable to maintain a real emotional relationship and instead committing completely to the job and the adventures. Instead, it's almost as those the film changes gears, with it going from a testosterone-fueled boys film to a soft and sappy testimonial by Mr Cruise, trying to show the world that he can be a loving and caring husband rather than a cavalier playboy.

Very disappointing. I am all for happy endings in films, but when that results in the main character just about being retired from the franchise, I baulk a little.

It's an interesting film, with some funky gadgets (even if, for the nerds out there some glaring factual errors are evident - like using alligator clips on 10baseT cable to hack a data connection), some big explosions and some good fight scenes. But it lacks the depth and substance it could have had if it remained true to the M:i vein rather than the Cuise-promoting bandwagon.

Paparazzi (2004)

Self-Righteous, Sanctimonious Crud

[1/10 · 7 April 2006]

I gave this movie a look, as I am a photographer myself, and I know some people who would fall into the bracket of "paparazzi".

From the word go I was astounded by the stereotypes extolled by this film - "Rex Harper" and the rest of his gang are walking talking caricatures of all the worst possible characteristics in anyone (not just photographers). Opportunistic, manipulative, unscrupulous...

And "Bo Laramie" is made out to be a righteous avenger, even when he deliberately, and with premeditation goes about avenging the wrong done his family. And that wrong isn't as though they killed his wife or son, they simply stayed in hospital for a while. In fact, the driver of the other vehicle is killed but no-one makes a song and dance about it.

With cameos from Mel Gibson, Chris Rock, Matthew McConaughey, Vince Vaughn and others, in an attempt to probably raise the profile of the film, this whole 2 hour sermon comes off as nothing more than a chance for Hollywood to take a swipe back at the photographers who keep the rumor mills running and the tickets selling...

The fact that the detective knows that Bo is murdering the photographers, and yet lets him go, is an attempt to validate his actions.

Murder is murder. The "star" in this film, "Bo Laramie" murdered people. And this movie murdered my will to live...

Steer clear as much as possible!

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

A Valuable Experiment... If That's All It Was

[4/10 · 23 November 2005]

This movie can be viewed in two ways. If it was an experiment, and nothing more, then I think it explored previously unmapped territory with respect to creating a CGI world over a number of years and then inserting the real-world actors into those scenes to complete the picture. If it was meant as a serious picture, then I think it may have fallen flat.

Whilst I appreciate the overall feel of these films - looking at ways in which the world may have moved if technology and society had evolved in a slightly different fashion from what it did. (For instance, the Empire State Building was meant to act as an airship dock, but due to technical difficulties never fulfilled this task. See http://www.esbnyc.com/tourism/tourism_facts_esbnews_july2000.cfm). But I think the overall storyline was somewhat thin, and a lot of the scenes seen to be overly dark and the eternal sepia wash does tend to drain the life and color from a lot of scenes.

The lighting, as I mentioned before, does seem to be overly dark on the majority of scenes. There are a few attempts made to try and use highlights to draw the viewer's attention to certain sections of the screen, but I would have far preferred that had been done through content and tone rather than through essentially putting blinkers on the viewer and only letting them see certain parts of the scene.

Jude Law is perfectly cast in the role as Sky Captain, with his British accent adding to the character immensely. I think it allows his to deliver some lines of dialogue which would frankly have been somewhat laughable if spoken by in an American accent.

Angelina Jolie is once again cast as a somewhat headstrong female interest, but I think this role is all too similar to the self-assured character of Lara Croft for it to be breaking any new ground for her. That, and she is in the film for only a few short scenes, meaning that you are left with a feeling that her name was only really bandied about when advertising this film to get the younger male audience, people who are less likely to watch a film with Gwyneth Paltrow as they have never heard of her.

Speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, she plays her role rather well, mastering the balance between the meek and submissive opposite to Sky Captain, whilst maintaining the underlying spine of steel which becomes evident at the end of the film. However I must admit, I found her characters penchant for pressing every button she shouldn't be touching somewhat bothersome.

All in all, a passable way to while away two hours, but if you're looking for solid content and a film to challenge and entertain you, look somewhere else.

D.E.B.S. (2004)

So Painful, Even Rampant Short Skirts & Lesbianism Couldn't Redeem It

[1/10 · 24 May 2005]

I was able to only stomach about half an hour of this film before common sense got the best of me and made me press the "Stop" button.

It seems the producers had plenty of money to throw at this project, just look at the girls they cast in the various lead roles, but all this ends up being is like a sex-charged female-focused adult version of Spy Kids! The gadgets are pitiful, the script is shocking and the overall production makes even the regular sci-fi series look like they spent a mint on them in comparison.

Even the attempts of the writers to take the focus off the storyline and replace it with vacuous sexual tension and, as I mentioned, lesbianism is terrible. Not credible in any way shape or form and does nothing for the storyline.

I'm not going to tell you to save your money and spend it elsewhere - money can be replaced. Instead I will appeal to you to save yourself wasting the time to even give this film a viewing - you can never get that 30 minutes back!

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

"A Tarantino Masterpiece" or "A Big-budget Film Student Project"

[3/10 · 28 October 2003]

Having seen a number of Quentin Tarantino's films, and having

been caught up in the hype surrounding the release of this film, I

may have walked into the cinema with higher expectations than I

should have. Although I was intrigued by the changes in film style (switching

from mono-chromatic to anime to being saturated with color), I

was left with the distinct impression that this level of

experimentation with different techniques was closer to that

expected of a new film student who hasn't yet learnt to stick to a

tried-and-true formula. I hate to have to say it, but I think that any martial art film fan, given

a few weeks worth of film training, a multi-million dollar budget, a

cast of veteran actors and a few thousand litres of fake blood could

have done the same, if not better, a job. If you are looking for an interesting way to spend a couple of hours,

then this film is for you. If you're looking for something as

stimulating as "Reservior Dogs" or "Pulp Fiction" then your money

is probably better spent buying on of those two films on DVD.

Cradle 2 the Grave (2003)

A "Frankenstein" of a movie...

[3/10 · 19 August 2003]

I didn't see this film in the cinemas, instead I waited until the rental

release. And boy am I thankful I only spent $3 to rent instead of

$35 to buy or $15 for a cinema visit.

This film, although somewhat entertaining, felt to me like a

combination of segments of other films which had been somewhat successful, but like all imitators, the resemblence was

only skin deep (if that).

Let's look at the "Comedy Relief" duo - Tom Arnold & Anthony

Anderson. These two have worked before in "Exit Wounds", in

roughly the same capacity, and were quite effective there (the

outtakes for Exit Wounds are worth a watch). However, in this film

they often detract from the story, rather than help it along.

Now let's look at the Main Characters: Jet Li - Once again playing

an asian cop (just like "Romeo Must Die"), even if he is technically

a spy. I can't fault his skills as a martial artist (hell, I wish I could

kick ass like that), but I do have to question why he signed on for

this film - he is so much better than that). DMX - Sure, he looks slick, but you know that nearly every move

which looks somewhat skillful has either been done by a stunt

double or has somehow or other been faked. He's just not

convincing at all. Gabrielle Union - Definitely accounts for the main reason the

majority of guys would have stuck around for more than the first 15

minutes of the film.

Realistically, this film is way too much like a carbon copy of

"Romeo Must Die". Looking at the cast, you have at least three

members who already worked together in "Romeo" - DMX, Jet Li &

Anthony Anderson. In addition, alot of the dynamics between the

characters are very similar to "Romeo".

**** SPOILERS BELOW **** To top it off, the final fight scene, at the airport, is strikingly similar

to the final fight scene of "Romeo". Let's see, Jet Li and another man (both were ex-colleagues) face

off agains each other in a ring of fire. Vicious ass-kicking ensues. Jet Li walks away the winner... **** SPOILERS ABOVE ****

Realistically, if you are thinking of watching this film, I'd suggest

that "Romeo Must Die" may be a better choice.

Blurred (2002)

So Much Potential... But What A Waste

[23 March 2003]

Admittedly, I never took part in the annual pilgrimage to Surfer's Paradise as part of the infamous Australian Schoolie's Week, but even having said that, this movie was a disappointment. Instead of making a united and tightly interlinked movie by taking the five different starting points the movie began with (the limo, the cowboys, the bus, the train and the apartment) and actually having them culminate to a result which could be empathised with to a greater degree, the movie instead follows each group independantly through their meandering journeys intersecting for a few short minutes and then separating again and arriving at a conclusion that was, in a word, lame "sometimes you have to make new friends"!!!

What happened here? Did the writer get ditched by their school chums after high school, and they decided to write this film in an attempt to be at peace with their own lameness? Come on! The start of the movie had a lot of potential, don't get me wrong, but instead of exploiting that potential and coming up with something truly reflective of the event they are trying to portay, they decided to play it safe and wade in the shallow end of the experience. I would have expected more from a movie which tries to illustrate that it's characters need to risk a little to progress in life, as it failed in exactly the same manner it was trying to protect it's characters from.

"we know what we are, but know not what we may be" Well, we know what this movie is - a waste. And I know what it may have been - great.

O (2001)

Nice try, but not quite what I had hoped for.

[27 November 2002]

Spoiler Alert Although I appreciate Shakespeare's works, both in the original form, with the intricate dialogue used by the master, and the later adaptations, placing the same issues into a modern scenario (although I think that they are less 'adaptations' and more 'based on a play by', as they do diverge from the original story line by a good deal on occasion), I was not satisfied by this particular movie.

Although Hugo's manipulation of the other members of the cast was both skilled in it's design and in it's portrayal by Hartnett, the movie appeared, in places, to rely upon the viewer's previous reading of the original play. Although it is obvious that Hugo bears a great deal of jealousy towards Odin, due to the fact that his father cares more for Odin than for his own son, this is not adequately shown in the early parts of the film, nor is the actual moment or event which causes Hugo to decide to embark upon the chain of events which leads to the death of his five "friends".

Having not read the play myself (but I will do so now), I cannot say which parts were in the original play and which were constructed by the screenwriters, however, the movie appeared to me to flounder towards the end. It almost appeared to become so confused with itself and began flooding the viewer with details faster than they could be digested, and without anywhere near as much skill as the story had been told earlier. At the end, I think a more profound climax would have been to have Odin killed by the police (as he was brandishing a handgun at a group of scared students), and to have Hugo return home to his father grieving so much for Odin's loss that Hugo once again faded into the background - showing that for all the manipulation, murder, deceit and death, Hugo ended up right back where he began, the invisible son of the basketball coach.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

If you can't make it scary, make it sexy...

[27 October 2002]

Although this film does explore a new angle on the idea of werewolves, in that it is a virus rather than an inexplicable curse, the overall film experience was quite lacking.

The part of Brigette, Ginger's younger sister, was so thin and grungy that I found it very difficult to be drawn in by the character to even the smallest degree. In fact, by the end of the film I was actually praying that the werewolf would get her. The only way I could describe Brigette is as a twisted version of the American Beauty guy next door, only female, incestuous and with a continual bad-hair-day..

Ginger's character was also very thin, however, this was compensated for by the beauty of Katharing Isabelle, at least until the make-up disfigured here into a Buffy vampire extra (a few new ideas here wouldn't hurt fellas!).

The supporting cast was only lightly touched by the story, the mother's character was extremely thin, not even making an attempt to explain the reasoning behind some of her actions (she suggests blowing up the father at one point, with no motive whatsoever), and could have been a good anchor for the girls had the story been slightly adapted to use more of Mimi Rogers' abilities (if she can make David Ducovney convincing, she must have skills).

If you are wanting to watch a film full of fake blood, unexplained character actions and a couple of sexually-deviated sisters (what was the deal with that?!), then this is the film for you. Otherwise, save your money and buy a Hitchcock. At least he understood the concept of infered horror.. (Thank God I only spent AU$10 on this film)