Imagine the scene: Bruce Davey sits in the dunny of his outback ranch reading a well-thumbed copy of Halliwell's film guide. His mobile phone rings:
"G'day Bruce, how's it going'!"
"G'day Mel, can't I get a bit of peace and quiet, I'm just having a dump here!"
"Be careful mate, one of them funnel web spiders might bite ya balls!"
"Too right mate, I made sure I poured half a gallon of paraffin down the dunny first"
"Well don't drop ya fag end down the pan Bruce, you'll blow your ass half way to Sydney"
"Yeah, don't worry, she'll be right mate. Now, D'ya want something or is this a social call?"
"Bit o'both sport, bit o' both. Now I got a cracking pitch for ya"
"Oh yeah? Well listen mate, lemme finish up here and I'll be with ya"
"OK mate, well hurry up 'cos I got a couple o' ladies' here"
Bruce grunts, rips a page out of Halliwell's guide, wipes his ass and sighs with satisfaction.
"Right mate, I'm all done. So, what's the pitch?"
"Well there's this bloke see, mysterious kind o' fella, stranger in town sort o' thing and he's been upsetting the powers that be with his speeches. Y'know the kind of the thing. Encouraging the locals to rise up against the oppressors and stuff"
"So he's a bit of a political activist then?"
"You could say that"
"So?"
"So, this fella has a gang of blokes that sort of help him spread the message but one of 'em has bin bribed into working for the state"
"And?"
"And so he's double-crossed by this bloke who needs the money and the state condemns him to death for insurrection"
"Like an Insurance scam you mean??"
"No ya dumb ****, insurrection, like revolution"
"Oh, right yeah, good on ya mate"
"So, we now have this bloke being tortured and beaten for two hours. I mean like real, real close ups of bloody flesh and gore. I mean like you see this bloke's skin being shredded and flayed from his body, I mean like a really, really brutal, bloody mess"
"Sounds a bit off mate, if ya don't mind me sayin'"
"Listen Bruce, this will be the most realistically brutal slasher movie ever made"
"So what happens next?"
"He dies"
"Well I can't say I'm surprised mate but it ain't much of a story, if you ask me"
"Ah yeah, but it's how he dies mate, that's the story"
"I don't follow ya, am I missin' somethin'?"
"Well these blokes that've been beatin' the crap out of our hero, they nail him to a lump of wood"
"You're kidding me"
"No Bruce mate, I kid ya not. The movie ends with the bloke being nailed to a big lump of wood and left to die"
"Strewth mate! I think you've bin out in LA too long. Have ya bin hitting the sauce again?"
"Listen Bruce, this is the greatest story ever told, it'll make us millions"
"Listen mate, I know ya like a bit of gratuitous violence, but this is ridiculous. Where's the audience for this kind o' stuff? It'll never get a cinema release"
"Christians"
"Christians? Whaddya mean, Christians?"
"How many Christians in the world Bruce?"
"Well...I dunno mate. I mean, there's you for a start, but I don't know a lot o' those kind o'people, I'm a movie producer fer Chrissakes!"
"There's more than two billion of 'em Bruce and they'll all wanna see this movie, I guarantee it"
"Listen mate, I reckon you need a lie down and maybe get a blow job to clear ya head a bit. This here slasher movie you're describing sounds like the least likely kind o' movie a Christian would wanna see. I mean, you know how sensitive these people are, show 'em a pair o' nipples and they wanna burn ya at the stake"
"Ever heard of a book called The Bible mate?"
"Well, sort of. Which one d'ya mean?"
"There's only one mate"
"Nah mate, I reckon ya wrong there. There's Halliwell's guide, that's the bible of movie goers, then there's the sports illustrated for sports fans, not to mention The Sydney Morning Herald..."
"Strewth Bruce, you're a real dumb **** sometimes. I mean The Holy Bible, the flamin' good book, loved and adored by billions of God-fearing, self-righteous Christians"
"Oh, THAT Bible, why didn't ya say. But I still don't get it mate"
"That's where this story comes from and that's why billions of Christians will flock to see it"
"You sure about this?"
"Listen mate, I've had a word with His Holiness in Rome and he's given me the all-clear"
"So you really think these Christians will wanna see a slasher movie?"
"They will when they see it's the story of their greatest hero. This movie will make us billions, just think of the tie-ins. Not only that, we'll be guaranteed our place in heaven for making this movie"
"Well that's a bonus I suppose"
"One other thing I should mention"
"Yeah mate?"
"It's all in Latin, Hebrew and Aramaic"
"Holy S**t!"
"Exactly!"
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