edgein15 Reviews

Haunted House on Sorority Row (2014)

Bafflingly incompetent film from the people who made THE BABYSITTER MASSACRE

[3/10 · 4 August 2014]

What in the name of God happened with this movie? I was quite a fan of THE BABYSITTER MASSACRE, but this film is one giant pile of nothing.

Remember those two cute actresses from THE BABYSITTER MASSACRE who did those hot nude scenes? They are also in this movie, and neither of them gets naked in this one. Just so you know. Good job, Mr. Director. You clearly know what your fans want.

The cinematography is complete garbage. It has that same crap hazy blue color scheme that you can find in every single Wal-Mart 5-dollar multi-pack DVD horror set from Echo Bridge.

The haunted house has no visual presence. It looks like a crappy rental property in Podunk, Trailerville. You know, the Amityville Horror house had presence. Mr. Director should have learned from that.

Compared to THE BABYSITTER MASSACRE, this movie is an utter disaster. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Lifeblood (2006 Video)

Worst photography in the history of movies

[1/10 · 27 November 2006]

I can't even begin to tell you what this movie was about because the photography was so bad. A good 65% of it is so dark that you can't discern anything going on. Watching this crap, many questions spring to mind. Was the DP trying to emulate the work of Nestor Almendros on DAYS OF HEAVEN by shooting only ambient lighting? How could the director, after watching several days of pitch black dailies, not decide that it might be time to invest in one lighting kit? How did the editor so seamless cut scene after scene of pitch black on pitch black so effortlessly? What photography does come through is muddy and ugly as hell. Had the cinematographer ever SEEN a movie before? I doubt it. Otherwise, concepts like "composition" and "backlight" might have played a part in the framing. When you look up cinematic incompetence in the dictionary, you'll find this second only to BACKWOODS. At least in THAT movie you could see what was going on.

Worst movie I've seen in years. And yes, I've seen Turkish STAR WARS.

Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders (2006)

An exercise in total incompetence

[1/10 · 2 February 2006]

Do you have any idea how wretched a film has to be for me to consider it the worst "true" serial killer-themed movie ever? Well, this one gets that honor. How it was humanly possible to make a movie worse than SPECK boggles my mind. But this crew did. Oh wait, I know why: 1. Here's a movie whose title suggests it will only appeal to true crime buffs. So let's alienate the only possible fan base this movie could have by changing EVERYTHING factual about the case. Nevermind the fact that the real Ken Bianchi was a slick BS artist. Nope, this movie turns him into Kevin Spacey from THE USUAL SUSPECTS. And what's with that title, you ask? Weren't there two Hillside Stranglers? Yes. Yes, there were. But Angelo Buono is a minor character in this piece. Forget the fact that he was the actual brains behind the crimes and was in effect Ken's mentor in murder. Angelo gets one brief scene and then falls off the face of the earth. Interestingly, Angelo's criminal trial was the longest in United States history up to that point. Do they even see fit to give us little slices of information like that in the closing credits? Nah. Because research is hard.

2. There's this wonderful new invention out there called a tripod. It allows a camera to be placed in a fixed position for a steady, undistracting shot. Our cinematographer hasn't heard of this invention. Therefore, he shoots every scene in a circular dolly shot. No, seriously. EVERY scene. Sometimes to break the monotony of the circular dolly shots, we get a circular dolly shot superimposed onto ANOTHER circular dolly shot. Yay.

3. Our psychiatrist Samantha is such a model of professionalism that she keeps candid nude pictures of herself hanging on the wall in her study. I guess this is to provide a conversation piece to visiting patients and law enforcement personnel. She's also apparently so absorbed in her casework that she can never seem to fasten the top 6 or 7 buttons on her blouse. It's impossible to give a tinker's squat about Samantha because her only character development consists of her having increasingly half-hearted sex with a parade of drugged-out strangers.

4. When the story lags, cut to another drug-fueled orgy! Not that you'll be able to see much, because for these sequences they seem to have strapped a camera onto a hummingbird. A hummingbird with a penchant for annoyingly long dissolves. And because recutting a film to meet an R-rating costs money, let's just digitally fog certain props and naked characters that the MPAA finds offensive. Ah, digital fogging. It's not just for Japanese pornos anymore! Classy.

In conclusion, this movie fails as a serial killer biopic. It fails as a character study. It fails as a procedural. It fails as a horror film. It fails as a suspense film. But if you look at it as an Impassioned Plea for Tolerance and Acceptance of the Circular Dolly Shot, you'll find no better example.

High Kicks (1993 Video)

The first G-rated Rape-Revenge drama

[3/10 · 4 December 2003]

Inconceivable! What was the director thinking? Hmm, we're shooting on video, we have no stars, and we have a budget of 7 bucks for our martial arts stuntmen. I have an idea that will put us over the edge!!!! We'll feature tons of women with fake boobs doing aerobics....and we'll have no nudity at all!!!! It's cinema gold! People, there's a reason why you can only find this flick in a bundled DVD 4-pack at Best Buy for 6 bucks. And frankly, I overpaid.

Avenging Angelo (2002)

Run Run Run away!

[2/10 · 4 November 2003]

This movie is an utter piece of crap. Much like you, going by the film's poster and trailer, I thought this would be a crappy action film. Nope, it's an even crappier romantic comedy. I haven't seen incompetence like this in years. Wow, a musical montage that doesn't advance the plot at all? I've never seen that in a crappy romantic comedy before. What a work of complete genius! Icing on the cake!

People p*** and moan about bad movies on this board all the time. This isn't the worst movie ever made, but it's definitely going in the hopper.

Everyone involved should be ashamed.

Trailer: The Movie (1999)

Even worse than STRAIGHT TO HELL

[1/10 · 28 February 2003]

If this movie was a person, I'd beat it to death with a claw hammer. 90 minutes of static would have been more entertaining and less annoying. Definitely one of the ten worst movies ever made. EVER. Why was this made? Why? Why? Why?

Chain Reaction (1996)

It's a buddy movie.

[4/10 · 7 December 2002]

This entire movie sucks. Nothing even approaching competence is ever achieved. Now that I think about it, this movie isn't about Keanu. It isn't about Rachel.

It's a buddy movie involving Morgan Freeman and a cigar. See, this picture cares not about large plot holes or scientific realism. It cares only about scenes featuring Morgan Freeman and a cigar.

Watch the film. Action scenes are lifeless. Love scenes are lifeless. But scenes featuring Morgan Freeman and a cigar are always played wonderfully.

Dear God, this movie was bad.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002 Video)

Sequal Whoredom

[6/10 · 24 October 2002]

You know, this isn't a bad movie at all. It's very disorienting and nightmarish and Kafka-esque. But it suffers from the same problem as the last sequal. It's not a HELLRAISER movie. Both this and the last one played like Jack Chick-style cautionary tales. Everyone talks about JACOB'S LADDER in relation to this movie. It goes further back than that. It goes back to THE TWILIGHT ZONE episode "A Stop in Willoughby" and before that to Bierce's "Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge." The sub-par DONNIE DARKO must have taken heed.

The Zombie Chronicles (2001 Video)

Good God, what a bad film.

[2/10 · 27 September 2002]

There's tons of good-looking women in this flick. But alas, this movie is nudity-free. Grrrrrrrrrr Strike one.

Ahem. One story in this film takes place in 1971. Then why the hell are the main characters driving a Kia Sportage? Hello? Continuity, anyone?

As you might know, this movie was released in stereoscopic 3D. And it is the most hideous effect I have ever seen. I'm not sure if someone botched the job on this, but there WAS no 3D, just double-vision blurs. I didn't have the same problem with this company's other 3D movies, HUNTING SEASON and CAMP BLOOD. Sure, the 3D in those ones sucked too, but with them I could see a semblance of 3D effect.

This thing is a big ball of nothing.

And whoever that women was who played the daughter of the ear-eating dame, yum! I'd like to see more of her. In movies, as well. Looks like Janet Margolin at a young age. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Camp Blood (2000 Video)

ug

[2/10 · 26 September 2002]

83 minutes? Nope, this thing is 72 minutes, tops.

If you cannot guess the killer in this movie, you had better throw your TV out the window, because you ain't learned nothing in 20+ years of cinematic slasher history.

And how come the plain star who never gets naked is always the one you want to get naked?

All the Rage (1999)

Even more heavy-handedly preachy than WEST WING

[5/10 · 4 May 2002]

But at least WEST WING puts its soapbox into the actual dialogue of the show.

When one must resort to snide epilogue subtitles to state its already obvious agenda, you know the effort has failed.

Utter propaganda masquerading as drama.

One Minute Before Death (1972)

Utter Apathy.........

[5/10 · 13 February 2002]

How many horror movies have you seen where you whined about the poor, dark, murky cinematography?

Well here, every scene is brightly lit for you to see in all it's horrific glory.

That's what sucks. There's so much subtext, but the photography killed all nuance.

Not that this thing would have been a gem otherwise, but how many movies can you name that are ruined by its photography? Yep, this is the only one that I can think of.

Ever.

The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy in 'for Love or Mummy' (1999)

Oy

[5/10 · 30 November 2001]

Isn't it a tad odd that a L&H remake would use a plot that is so typically Abbott & Costello?

Yeah, the story is absolute crap, but the two leads really ARE dead ringers for the original duo. My one beef with their very decent mimicry is that Hardy only gives one trademark reaction look of frustration at the audience.

This thing is by NO means great, but it's definitely worth a look.

Killer Tongue (1996)

There's no female nudity here, enough said.

[4/10 · 21 September 2001]

Can A-Pix ever, ever, ever do anything right? This movie was meant to be seen on TV in a letterbox format. Since A-Pix doesn't even believe in pan and scan, we see whole scenes where a shoulder on the left side of the screen talks to a shoulder on the right side. Of course, not that you are missing much. This movie is incredibly bad. It's very hard to enjoy a film where characters are screaming at the top of their lungs during 80% of the movie for no reason.

Hideous Kinky (1998)

Who greenlighted this?

[4/10 · 23 August 2001]

Kinky? Nah, Kate's nude. Again. That's par for the course. Hideous? Well, now we're getting warmer. HIDEOUS TEDIUM would have been a much better title. Gee, another chronically dull European film with good cinematography. Who woulda thought?

Tom & Viv (1994)

How to succeed in martyrdom without really trying

[5/10 · 15 July 2001]

This artless art film perpetuates the romantic notion that as long as a clearly mentally ill person shows a tad of artistic inspiration every now and then, she should be given free reign to satisfy her every impulse, no matter how dangerous or self-destructive she may be. I'm getting a tad sick of the Manic as Martyr genre, but as cinema insists on looking back into history for more biopics, I shudder to think of what a future blockbuster like the Zelda Fitzgerald Story could do for the minds of talentless hangers-on everywhere.

The Severed Arm (1973)

Decent

[6/10 · 13 July 2001]

What a shame that a movie with this title will only appeal to the usual high school braindead gorehounds. It is nothing of the sort. This is quite a thoughtful and meticulous revenge film. A gang of starving men trapped in a pit finally decide on a desperate day of hunger to prey on the weakest man, thereby cutting off his arm and feeding. Ironically, the men are saved hours later, but the Wounded is spouting crazy cannibalism talk. The remaining men enter into a conspiracy, saying they severed his arm only to save him from a worse cave-in mishap. What follows is a story of revenge in the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO tradition. In retrospect, this film is definitely more of a drama than it is a horror film. But as most people assume this picture is a drive-in splatterfest, it will only attract the immature, shock-seeking crowd. What a shame. The ending of this film is true poetic justice.

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

AKA Godfrey Reggio's THE LOST WEEKEND

[6/10 · 3 July 2001]

Anyone who considers this a disturbing movie must have been spoonfed the works of Touchstone Studios since day one. Never once did I forget these were professional actors doing a role, nor did I appreciate the frequent indie film star cameo. I have always felt that in order for an addiction movie to work, it must be gritty and starless. The plush 35mm colors featured here combined with the MTV-style skipping, looping, cut cut cut scenarios justifiably make this the first coffee table movie about junkies. I dare think that if Tobe Hooper, fresh from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (you know, back when he had talent) had shot this story on grimy, grimy 16mm we would have achieved a truly lurid and disturbing portrait of junkiedom, instead of the pretentious gloss that is REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.

Traffic (2000)

More proof the Oscars mean NOTHING

[5/10 · 8 June 2001]

TRAFFIC??? Oh, I'm sorry, I though this film was called SOAPBOX. I haven't seen this kind of sledgehammered pedantic preachery outside of a WEST WING episode. How Soderbergh jump-cutted and lens-filtered his way to an Oscar, I will never know. Though, when your biggest competition is Ridley Scott, how hard can it be?

It's a sad day in America when the best movie out of the five nominated for Best Picture in 2000 is a Julia Roberts vehicle.

See what happens when all of the actors from the teen sex comedies like AMERICAN PIE get an Academy vote?

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Another totally sickening film from Italy--what a shock

[4/10 · 6 April 2001]

Let's face it. Those 19-year-old Eberts in the making who consider this an art film are without a clue. The only reason people seek this movie out is because of the total depravity contained therein. So for the total gore hounds looking for fun, I'll summarize this flick for you:

The REAL stuff (naturally all the animal torture in the film is sickeningly real):

1. Muskrat getting stabbed in the neck, blood pours out.

2. Monkey getting its skull split open by a machete.

3. Pig being kicked, then shot in the head with a shotgun while the "actor" gleefully smiles.

4. Giant (and probably endangered) sea turtle gets decapitated and then totally ripped apart.

The FAKE stuff:

1. Two separate scenes of gang rape.

2. A guy getting his wee-wee sliced off.

3. A bound woman gets raped with a stone phallus, then she gets beaten to death.

4. A primitive abortion is performed on a very pregnant tribeswoman.

5. Women and children are forced into a grass shack, which is set on fire, then they are shot while trying to escape.

6. A tribeswoman is impaled through her vaginal opening all the way until it exits her mouth.

7. And of course, there are countless scenes of naked people getting mutilated left and right.

For any person to have the absolute gall to call this film social commentary should just take a look at any of Deodato's other films. The man is a Mondo hack, nothing more. Whatever sensationally offensive subject matter will offend most, he will include. Probably the only Deodato film readily available to the general public would be his THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK. Watch that little gem. Then tell me if you think he's a concerned humanist.

Tenderness of the Wolves (1973)

worthless

[4/10 · 3 February 2001]

Well, for starters, it's 1970s German cinema, the deepest pit in movie hell. Second, the dynamic story story of Fritz Haarmann is made completely artsily boring, as only the Europeans can do.

Anyone who has studied the Haarmann/Grans case knows that the performances and attitudes of the actors are completely wrong. And someone mind telling me what time period this movie is supposed to be set in? Anyone with half a clue, please e-mail me.

Oh, I almost forgot. It's a 1970s German movie. So, of course, there is going to be graphic graphic homosexual activity. Bring the kids.

Fire on the Amazon (1993)

An abomination

[4/10 · 21 December 2000]

Of all the movies I have seen, this is one of the five or so I have ever watched which makes me believe that animals were actually tortured on the set. This is no lie. I implore anyone to watch this movie, especially during the fire scenes and tell me that no animal was harmed during the making of this "film". A scene with a python is especially disturbing. You'll know it when you see it. Prove me wrong, please.

American Psycho (2000)

The Golden Age of Cinema

[3/10 · 4 November 2000]

This "movie" has all the subtlety of a kick to groin with golf shoes. Acting: horrible, direction: nonexistent, writing: embarrassing. I only assume the rating this wretched thing received on this board was so high was because the prols thought this was an art film, instead of the big-budgeted pseudo-European experimental garbage it really is.

Jack Frost (1997 Video)

Now I know there is no God.

[2/10 · 19 October 2000]

Look out, GORE-MET ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL, there's a new kid in town. By my count, I've seen about 6,000 movies, and in all my experience, I've never seen special effects this atrocious. You would think, given the recent developments in SFX technology, these people might actually try to make snow look real. Nopers. In fact, if you have seen worse special effects than this in a non-student film environment, please e-mail me without hesitation, as I would like to eat my hat. You know, they always say show business is a dog-eat-dog world, but if this director found work again, how frigging hard can it possibly be?

Kiss Shot (1989 TV Movie)

It ain't the Hustler, but...

[6/10 · 16 September 2000]

This TV movie was better than I'd expect from its Less Than $10 placement at the video store. Dennis Franz provides some real grit in a flick whose writing ranks a few notches above its formula origin. The ending is a cop-out, though. And can anyone ANYONE please tell me the purpose of those many insect-eye-view camera shots in its relationship to a pool game? Anyone...anyone?