Jojosh the Pi Reviews

Red Eye (2005)

I wasn't the only one laughing

[4/10 · 21 August 2005]

The two main actors did quite well, and save the movie--it could've been quite good. Most of the bit actors were mediocre to terrible. The guy complaining at the airport was absolutely classic.

To give you an idea of the level of writing: the name of the airline was "Fresh Air", and I wasn't the only one laughing out loud. The scene where Murphy and McAdams were having drinks at the airport was absolute cheese and way too long. And, of course, there's an 11-year-old girl who acts more intelligently than most adults.

The story was a bit hard to swallow logically--raise your hand if you're making the call immediately, no questions asked. Murphy walks to the bathroom just as McAdams finishes writing the message. Plus the writers use the overdone can't-use-the-cell-phone-due-to-no-signal AND can't-use-the-cell-phone-due-to-low-battery. Great way to artificially lengthen the story.

The plus side? There's worse out there. There was one good line (it was something like "Dude, there goes your pen.") Murphy and McAdams deserve better.

Curse of the Forty-Niner (2002)

"They axed for it!"

[1/10 · 31 July 2004]

And unfortunately, so did I. ANY movie that relies on a bad pun as its tagline or its title should be relegated to the $2.00 bin, but we decided to try a second consecutive bad movie for movie night. We had a winner in "House of the Dead"--go with that one if you want a laughable flick.

Some witch jumped into the water after being set on fire by Mr. Miner. Some guy took a dump in the woods. And that same guy grabbed a new girlfriend right in front of his old one. I don't remember much else. The last third of the movie was utterly insipid, and we were all waiting in agony until the end.

Die Another Day (2002)

Not good, but you'll get your laughs.

[4/10 · 16 April 2004]

This movie seems to have received positive overall reviews (6.5 here; almost 60 in metacritic). If anyone can explain this to me, please enlighten.

Every other James Bond movie has got to be better than this (it's my first). Were the graphics a hangover from the early 90's? In that surfing scene, one of the "animators" must made a kitchen magnet of James Bond and filmed it bobbing up and down on the water, for all its realism. The ice cliff collapsing was absolute garbage.

Towards the end of the movie, they attack the space weapon, Icarus, by sending ONE missile??? Perhaps if they'd attacked with MULTIPLE MISSILES from MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS, they could have actually incapacitated Icarus.

Don't even mention the final battle sequence in the plane. The only explanation for this mediocrity is that this movie was supposed to be a comedy. 4/10

U.S. Seals (2000 Video)

it's worth it for one scene

[1/10 · 28 September 2003]

You've read the other comments; you know it's bad. My girlfriend and I decided to sit through this drivel b/c we wanted to find a laughable B-level flick, and boy was it a winner. (BTW, she figured out the reason why they used that particular actor for the main character is that his acting would be graded a "D-" while the others are miserable failures)

CONTAINS MINOR SPOILERS

1. They have a token black guy! The only black "Seal" gets killed in the first "action" scene.

2. They favor superimposing a fire in the foreground whenever there are enough explosions to warrant it.

3. The whole movie is worth it for this one scene--one of the "Seals" is hanging from a rope in the tree. As one of the evil Albanians rides by on a horse, he swings Tarzan-like IN SLOW MOTION to knock the guy to the ground (perhaps Battlefield Earth took this as inspiration for their own slo-mo scenes?)

4. The kid in the hospital is the worst actor in the history of the human race, even worse than Shaq or Madonna. He was probably the son of the director; fortunately he has about only 4 lines.

Where the Heart Is (2000)

this film is fortunate for its premise...

[2/10 · 28 August 2000]

To be honest, I was genuinely surprised to see this film rated much higher than about 5/10 or 5.5/10. The high rating was undoubtedly due to emotional and seldom-used themes explored in Where the Heart Is, but this cannot disguise the movie's incredible lack of continuity and poor acting.

(Spoilers ahead)

To be blunt, Natalie Portman cannot act. The scene where she first has contractions (in the Wal-mart bathroom with the little girl nearby) was terrible! Novalee was supposed to be in at least a _little_ pain, but all Portman does is say "Aaaah" twice at a normal conversational volume. Patently unconvincing. And I don't think any of the other actors will be winning any awards either.

All the movie's advertising harped on the problems that Novalee would have raising the child. When it's clear that the child will have a happy home about 1/3 through the movie, it's the movie that is having the problems, the first of which is the incredible ease with which Novalee recovers from the abandonment(about 15 minutes of movie time). Most of the rest of the scenes manage to move the timeline along without advancing the plot. Americus, the child, has only marginal importance in the second half of the movie. (and who the heck thought of "Americus" and Novalee's reasoning behind the name? Aya!) It seems like the writers had difficulty trying to make a story long enough for a movie. The last 2/3 of the movie consists of several unrelated incidents, which culminate in true love. A good example is the incredibly contrived tornado scene. It's so stupid! To generate some suspense, Novalee of course has to leave the shelter when the tornado is 10 m away, and nearly get sucked into the twister. Boy, it sure left me wondering whether she would survive. The scene's purpose was to kill off Sister, but even though I liked the character, it didn't seem to matter very much.

They follow the music career of Willy (who abandoned Novalee), but it never has any bearing on the rest of the movie. There's plenty of other filler (the worst was Forney "explaining" to Americus how chocolate milk and whipped cream are made. Banal and pointless. The last line of that scene was a slayer).

This movie also seems to have a contradiction. Novalee's problems started when Willy and she had sex before being truly committed to each other. Yet, she and Forney also have sex before she is willing to be committed, and this intercourse is viewed positively (I guess since they are together at the end). So it's not smart to have sex outside of marriage except if it's to someone you like but won't see again?

To sum up, the movie is a patchwork of scenes that are mostly uncoordinated and irrelevant. It's not campy, but it's good for a few laughs. Or cries of agony in a normal conversational tone.

The Great Lester Boggs (1974)

Too bad it's so obscure...

[1/10 · 24 August 2000]

...otherwise, it would get enough votes to take its proper place in the bottom #100 list. Hootch County Boys is the ONLY movie I have not been able to finish because of its badness. Boring, illogical, and horrendous sound. You can see the microphone in Lester Boggs' first scene (which is an hour or so of incomprehensible monologue).

I cannot bring myself to watch past the first 25 minutes. In the opening motorcycle chase, the "bad-ass biker gang" members fall off their bikes for no reason. And there's some lame joke about a tree. And Lester Boggs flies a bi-plane. Then talks. And talks. And talks. And talks. Or something. Unwatchable nonsense.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

maybe Battlefield Earth is actually that bad

[2/10 · 20 August 2000]

Not meaning to beat a dead corpse (*grin*), but Battlefield Earth is really terrible. The concepts of a movie being 'interesting', 'coherent', and 'reasonable' were obviously foreign to the B.E. creators.

And no, I am not a 'sheep' who says B.E. is bad b/c the critics say so (I never read their reviews), and it is bothersome to see certain people who like the movie accuse the majority of IMDb users of not having their own opinion. Could it possibly be that most people say Battlefield Earth is a bad movie because it really IS a bad movie? Heaven forbid.

Anyway, on with the movie...THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS (as if there's much to spoil). First, it's worth noting that when I went to see it, about half of the viewers left during the movie. I thought B.E. was campy fun. In any case, here's a couple samples of what's in this piece of crud (of course, you already know about the Harriers from 200 other reviews.):

The humans have finally started to rebel against the Psychlos. During the battle, one of the rebels urgently warns Johnny Goody-two Shoes via Walkie-Talkie, 'There's a lot of Psychlos, and they're moving fast!', Gosh, could Johnny be in mortal danger? As it turns out, 'a lot' of 'fast' Psychlos ends up being a pack of 5 marching at about half of normal walking speed. Thank goodness, one threat averted.

In another snippet of brilliant dialogue, the humans are planning their rebellion. Johnny Goody-two Shoes explains how they need to destroy the Psychlo homeworld (note these are cavemen w/o means of flying). One of the humans asks if they can do that now. Johnny sagaciously replies, 'No, we're going to need some more supplies before we can do that.' We cracked up as quietly as we could without disturbing all of the other 4 people left in the theater.

There was only one part of the movie I liked, when they showed the Psychlo homeworld--I thought it looked cool. But that's all.

Most people will be bored stiff. If you like campiness, cheesiness and/or sci-fi, this MIGHT end up being fun, but don't count on it.

If you hear any hearty laughing from the direction of Waco, TX, you'll know it's from Battlefield Earth...

1/10 (and not too far from being a 0)

Scary Movie (2000)

scary content

[1/10 · 9 July 2000]

How do they get away with showing this kind of crap in public? "Scary Movie" was much closer to pornography than comedy, and I did not even bother to stay to see the whole movie.

Based on most of the other user comments, it's the kind of stuff quite a few people like, but if you value keeping your mind pure of lust, never see this. (On a side note, I wonder how many couples did something a little extra after the movie who wouldn't have?)

Ninja vs. Shaolin (1983)

alexander lo does it again

[2/10 · 7 July 2000]

Alexander Lo outdoes his earlier movie "Mafia vs Ninja" in this one.

"Praise be to Buddha."

I watched an English language version, which had some of the worst dubbing I've seen--there are many lines where the characters continue to speak for two seconds after the voice is finished.

"Praise be to Buddha."

The choreography you have to see for yourself (but then again, there's not much reason to watch these dumb kung fu flicks except for some good laughs).

"Praise be to Buddha."

One of the biggest weaknesses of "Shaolin vs Ninja" is that there is not really one main character to follow (theoretically Alexander Lo, but he is absent for a lot of the movie).

"Praise be to Buddha."

Oh, yeah, and how could I forget? If you like drinking games, why don't you try having a beer everytime the senior monk says, "Praise be to Buddha."? If your brain hasn't atrophied by the end of the movie, you will surely have died of alcohol poisoning.

"Praise be to Buddha."

Rating: 2/10, but only because there's actually worse

"Praise be to Buddha."

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

close, but no cigar

[2/10 · 25 May 2000]

This movie was just short of spectacular, but it lacked only a few things:

1. Actors that could act

2. Actors that knew martial arts

3. A plot

4. Someone who can write dialogue

5. More Jade

The martial arts is so choppy and illogical, it reminded me of cheesy 70's/80's Chinese kung fu films, only worse. A lot of hits caused characters to fly in random directions, and even granting MK is not realistic is no excuse.

This movie is a GREAT laugh; however, make sure to watch it with friends in case you choke on the popcorn.

Mantis Fist Fighter (1980)

At least it's entertaining

[6/10 · 3 May 2000]

"Thundering Mantis" gives you what you expect from a Chinese kung fu movie--poor dubbing, lots of fighting (much of which is obviously fake), and a fairly predictable plot. The main musical theme is like something you'd find in "ChiPs", not really belonging to the movie, but rather amusing. And the introduction, oh boy, if you like cheesy fighting, you'll be rewinding like anything.

This movie does do a few things right, better than most kung fu movies. I actually wanted the villains to get their butts kicked. The movie does a good job of showing how Hsia and his henchmen are increasingly cruel and sadistic. Moreover, I actually cared when the good guys suffered(!), especially the boy. "Thundering" even has some pretty funny scenes which are actually supposed to be humorous.

Overall, it's worth viewing at least once. Some people may be repulsed by the ending, and there is a bit of swearing, but I still give it 6/10.

Sakura Killers (1987)

hilarity, not quality

[2/10 · 10 April 2000]

This movie's one of my favorites. It's not really any good, but it's great to laugh at. The dialogue can become incredibly ludicrous and poorly acted (eg, "Manji, can we ask you a few questions?" "Sure." "We think you can help us with the answers.") Any fighting is more or less surrealistic. Make sure to watch for Brock, the oafy white guy who attacks the main characters. He only has two lines, but he's one of the best guys in the movie!

Lao shu la gui (1979)

sorta worth a look

[2/10 · 29 March 2000]

Kung Fu vs Yoga is generally a typical martial arts movie--lots of fighting, poor dialogue, and unintentional humor. The earthenware monk is played by a hilarious overactor ("You're going to die! You're go-ing to die!!!"). The ending vs the Yoga master is pretty good, too, but a lot of the movie consists of incredibly long fighting scenes. Make sure to get the version hosted by Rudy Ray Moore, and "Bow down. Bow down. Bow down!" before Dolemite's humor.

Most people will be bored by the fighting, or utterly repulsed by the second quest's fight, but if you can get through these, get this movie.

Frogs (1972)

ok, who's been ballot stuffing?

[2/10 · 14 March 2000]

At the time of this comment, the weighted rating was 4.4. In my opinion, this seems to be about double what it actually deserves. The first half of the movie is mostly boring. The filmmakers were TRYING to build suspense by showing a bunch of frogs croaking every two minutes. (They failed).

Watching the animals kill off the family was actually entertaining, if only to see how lame the deaths were (I'm still kinda wondering how a snapping turtle kills someone standing in 2 inches of water). To "Frogs"'s credit, the acting and dialogue were slightly better than absolutely pathetic.

This movie's a good laugh if you can rent or buy it cheap.

The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

how old is this movie?

[2/10 · 9 December 1999]

Aya! If you are looking for special effects that are 10-20 years before its time, this is it. The glowing lightning bolts, fireballs, etc. look like they came from a cheesy 70's sci-fi flick. And yes, Hercules really grows; he's not being pushed on a cart closer to the camera!

Hong men jue e zhe (1985)

how a great movie gets a 1 rating

[2/10 · 2 November 1999]

I noticed that about half the voters gave "Mafia vs. Ninja" a 10. I sincerely hope this has nothing to do with quality (that's what we're supposed to vote on, right? :-D)

Fake blood, horrible video effects, and strings holding up the fighters all are featured. Ridiculously choreographed ninja battles reign supreme in one of the worst movies ever. It's also the movie that's made me laugh the most (except maybe Sinbad and the Seven Seas), for hours on end. You must see this movie at least once, and see how a real ninja movie is done!

Steel (1997)

good movies have good dialogue

[3/10 · 2 November 1999]

This movie could have been lifted out of the doldrums with decent dialogue. Shaq was much better this time around (as opposed to "Kazaam", although that's not saying much). Burke's "wisdom" to his gang member is absolutely laughable, and especially don't miss Shaq's awful "cool, just like you" at the beginning.

Steel did some things right; some parts they tried to make funny were genuinely funny, and the plot was pretty interesting. However, the parts where you "laugh with" the scriptwriter are pale in comparision to those where you "laugh at" the scriptwriter.

In summation...you need to see this movie.

Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)

this movie is worth your time

[2/10 · 2 November 1999]

It takes talent to make a good movie. You have to have good everything to make it happen--actors, plot, script, directing, etc. It takes just as much talent to screw up every single aspect of a movie, while trying to do your best. This is exactly what "Sinbad" achieves. Cheesy fights; awful, unnatural (ie, hilarious) dialogue; and poor acting all combine to bring the word "appalling" to mind.

This movie is not a painful bad, but a funny bad, best enjoyed with buddies. Do not pass up a chance to watch this!

Death of a Ninja (1982)

This is where a "0" rating would be nice

[1/10 · 2 November 1999]

I love watching horrible movies in general. From Shaq to Manos to ninja movies, I almost always cry from laughter.

Not this time.

This movie was not even close to funny bad, it was just painful. It was boring, except for the few fighting scenes, and the plot (whatever there was of it) made NO sense. The climax is utterly inexplicable, and I wouldn't mind if someone could explain exactly what it was all about.

The scenes showing ridiculous ninja powers (eg, flight and toxic barf) are hilarious, but far too few to save this movie. I'll never watch it again.