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1/10
Mental Patients Escaped Asylum and Decided to Make a Movie about ETs
20 May 2014
Usual cast of silly characters, publicity hounds, psychotic 'abductees', and authors looking to sell more books. What is interesting is there really are people walking around this earth so deluded. We must be grateful that the ex-military presented never had keys to the nuclear arsenal.

No evidence presented, but many of the cast looked as though a tornado just tore up their double-wide in the Spooky Acres Trailer Park and Abductee Center.

It's the same UFO stories repeated ad nauseam since the 1940s. Most of the contactees appear to have a larger shoe size than IQ.

Here's the far-fetched mindset of these self-deluded hucksters, PSI fakes, abductees, and the other True Believers.

You're from another planet. Your technology is far beyond anything we can imagine. You come to earth. Rather than find the brilliant scientists, philosophers, thinkers, inventors, and other luminaries at any given time throughout history you decide to contact and abduct only the ignorant, simple-minded, mentally deficient, and the most paranoid psychotics you can find. Then, for generations, you stay with that same family of sub-par mental misfits for experimentation and breeding purposes.

Makes perfect sense. Find the dumbest people on earth. There's a light-speed trip worth taking.

There probably is other intelligent life in this universe. Unfortunately, there is no intelligent life in this movie.

Do not eat or drink while watching this movie as you might choke from laughing.

For the record, I'm a reptilian overload from the planet Kzrgqwl and Barack Obama is also reptilian. I have the same evidence to prove my claims as the people in this movie.
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The Conjuring (2013)
1/10
Perhaps the worst movie in existence
1 December 2013
The only conjuring in this movie is how fast you can you can magically go to sleep. All the tension and horror of a Mister Rodger's episode, and the acting ability of sleeping cats. There's nothing here that would scare a smart seven-year old.

This movie makes the crap movies on Mystery Science Theater 3000 look like cinematic masterpieces only without the comical shenanigans of the Satellite of Love crew.

The smell referred constantly referred to in this 2 hour dull-a-thon is the manure of script, acting, and complete inability to sympathize with anyone involved.

I was hoping a sinkhole would open up and swallow the entire cast and location, but alas, it was not to be.

Save your money, don't waste your time. This is a movie for suckers and the mentally slooooooooooooooow.
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Pacific Rim (2013)
2/10
Embarrassingly Bad
10 October 2013
Giant Tinker-Toys meet Godzilla! Teenage Mutant Turtles Meet Power Rangers! Every cliché every written makes an appearance in this big-budget disaster. I wish I could say something good, but I can't.

The performances are stilted. You know what the actors are going to say before they say it. The lead actress has two expressions, both require no ability. The males act like teenagers in rut. The fight scenes are reminiscent of fake TV wrestling. This was made for those whose shoe size is bigger than their IQ.

Such a waste of talent from the director. What could be worse than the Iron Man trilogy? Than the Avengers? Than Captain America? Pacific Rim.

Save your money. This one blows chunks.
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Bernie (2011)
10/10
What a piece of work! Outstanding!
9 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I only have one question. Why didn't Jack Black get an Oscar? Black's performance was spot-on and he's never been better. His immersion in his character was as close to Billy Bob Thorton in Slingblade as I've ever seen. I don't impress easy, but Jack was Bernie. His singing and dancing, walk, talk, mannerisms, and speech patterns are a tribute to his ability to posses the role.

If Jack never does another movie, he's solid gold forever with this movie. The supporting cast from Shirley McClaine to Matthew Mcconaughey and all the townspeople were superb, direction was unobtrusive, editing was natural, and the styling was perfection.

A tip of my hat to everyone connected to this golden masterpiece, and Jack Black's star is shining in the heavens.

Free Bernie! and more great scripts for Jack Black.
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The Hit List (2011)
1/10
Unbelievably bad.
13 September 2012
With all the production values of a 4th grade Thanksgiving play, the word "hit" has no place in connection with this movie. Stilted performances, poor lighting, and phony dialog makes it a candidate for MST3000.

Cuba Gooding Jr. could have sent in a cardboard cutout and his performance would have been improved. All the actors came from the rejects of "My Mother the Car School of Acting." Show this movie to your kids if they want to be actors and tell them this is everything they should not do.

Avoid at all costs. The fly on the wall has more redeeming qualities than this stinker.
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