LawnBoy-4 Reviews

Annie Get Your Gun (1950)

Annie, stop overacting!

[4/10 · 4 July 2023]

If you've ever wondered what shameless overacting looks like, look no further than Betty Hutton, who apparently lacks the ability to satisfy role nuances or maintain a specific dialect throughout a performance.

In every scene, Betty yells, mugs, unnecessarily contorts her face and delivers lines with the subtlety and consistency of a 10th grade drama student. The fact that she drifts in and out of a hillbilly dialect is just MST3K/HDTGM-level embarrassing.

Sure, this is considered a classic musical because of the compositions. I get that Hutton has her fans and I certainly don't begrudge them for liking this over-the-top embarrassment of a performance. Would Garland have been better? Not at that point in her life, no, so it's pointless to second guess the casting decision from that angle. Hutton was also a hit name at the time, making her an easy draw for big bucks.

But, let's face it: bad acting is bad acting and Hutton is no stranger to it. Energy is great (see Ann Miller). But Hutton doesn't just teeter on the precipice of overacting, she willingly leaps into the abyss with unrestrained aplomb.

Vastly overrated musical thanks to an embarrassing performance from Hutton.

Out of Office (2022 TV Movie)

A typical, unfunny "Comedy" Central mess

[1/10 · 16 September 2022]

Nothing like casting a third rate AT&T commercial "actor" on a third rate excuse for a "Comedy" network for a lackluster, disjointed mess of a "comedy" feature. Pretty much right on brand for a once good network that has become so lazy in their programming that it is nearly impossible to tune in at any point in the day and not see tired "The Office" reruns.

This was just an abysmal failure and "Lily" simply cannot act to save her life. She has no more business in a film or show than that talentless dolt who plays Flo in those annoying Progressive ads.

Not a funny moment in the entire thing, despite the fact that it featured the normally funny Ken Jeong. Please do not waste your time with this garbage.

"Comedy" Central should just combine with MTV and VH1 to form one unfunny and unwatchable network.

The Exterminator (1980)

Hilariously and somewhat maddeningly terrible

[1/10 · 10 September 2022]

Where to begin with this mess? This thing is so riddled with incompetence that attempting to forgive/excuse it by simply writing it off as a Grindhouse movie is tantamount to forcibly shoving one's head in the sand.

• Acting: My God, Robert Ginty simply cannot act. He appears to be unable to emote or put forth anything which could be considered authentic and thus, he comes across as someone who is simply reading lines that were handed to him immediately prior to the start of a scene's shooting. He isn't alone, though. There are so many legendarily bad performances here that I would exceed the review limitations by listing them all, but I'll end the acting critique by citing the ridiculous, almost home movie quality "performance" of the hooker in the jail cell who attempts to act surprised and confused, but just sounds like someone who is making up lines on the spot and stalling her way through the scene.

• Direction: Countless scenes are unnecessarily long and painfully padded. If this thing had been shot by a competent director, it would have been a short instead of a feature.

• Sound: There is a reason why the vast majority of ambient sound is re-recorded in post. It's because no one really wants to hear a character clumsily shuffling around a set, especially during overly long scenes (such as the ones that riddle this film). Dialogue is frequently muffled, thanks to the sound of sliding feet and a lack of understanding of how an actor should be mic'd. Further, the lack of incidental music during the painfully long scene in which the main character modifies his bullets just makes for an awkward and uninteresting shot. Any impact this scene should have is completely lost.

• Cinematography and editing: This could easily be laid at the Director's feet, but the use of single cameras without edits does not work here. Scenes would have been significantly more impactful with careful edits and jump cuts, as well as the use of more than one distant camera.

• Technical gaffs: Too many to list them all, but I'll cite the fight scene in the meat plant in which a character is picked up and thrown while obviously being jerked upward by a clumsy wire operator.

Look, I get it. This disaster is a low budget, Grindhouse B-movie. As such, expectations should be lowered - just not to the point of excusing sheer, incompetent awfulness.

Dream of Italy (2015–2019)

Would probably be a lot better if hosted by someone else

[3/10 · 17 August 2022]

I'll try not to be too harsh because Kathy "Look at me! I have Italian relatives!!!" McCabe can't really help who she is. I love travel shows on PBS (anything by Rick Steves, for example), but this one is sorely lacking, mainly because the host cannot stop talking about herself. I'm sorry, but not only is she not interesting (at all), she is actually quite annoying by nature (again, it's who she is, so I can't completely fault her).

To be honest, I just don't care about her backstory or her relatives, in general. We get it, Kathy. You went to Italy years ago after finding out where your grandparents are from. You don't need to keep reminding us just how much of a supposed "expert" you are on all things Italy.

Skip Kathy McCabe and dial up a travel series in which the host isn't all about her/himself.

Things (1989 Video)

No one will be seated during the sandwich making scene!

[1/10 · 24 July 2022]

Not sure this really even counts as a "movie". It's really just a bad home movie that, for some bizarre reason, cost 40 grand to make(!). Where did the money go?

Boring, stupid and not even deserving of a drunken bad movie viewing party. This "movie" pretty much ridiculed itself through unintended self-parody.

The sound editing is the worst I've heard, the lighting appears to be sourced from a battery-powered lantern and the "acting" is anything but. Amber Lynn reading from a cue card positioned well to the side of the camera provides a brief respite from the otherwise unwatchable dreck.

In truth, this "movie" should not be viewed by anyone. There really is no point. Watch Birdemic instead.

The Velvet Vampire (1971)

Dull, poorly directed/edited and hilariously poorly acted

[3/10 · 10 July 2022]

What an embarrassing mess. I gave it three stars, just to be kind. That's where my kindness toward this film ends.

I have to believe that Roger Corman was so inspired after watching El Topo, that he instructed director/protege Stephanie Rothman to "throw in as much Jodorowsky as possible!". There are numerous scenes featuring poorly executed attempts at the surreal and each and every one of them falls flat. The rest of the film is just goofy, standard, early 70s vampire vixen fare. And a VERY dull version, at that.

Regarding the "acting" (*snicker*), it seems as if each scene was filmed with actors who were on set by themselves and had no idea to whom they were supposed to be speaking. The dialogue was that detached. Combine this with the fact that the actors themselves seemed to have only mastered the valued technique of speaking in a stilted, emotionless fashion. Jodorowsky could have at least done something with them. Sadly, Stephanie Rothman was not up to the task.

God's Favorite Idiot (2022– )

Yet ANOTHER Melissa McCarthy failure

[1/10 · 17 June 2022]

When will people stop giving Melissa McCarthy a pass for the sheer awfulness of her movies and shows? I keep reading reviews and hearing comments blaming anyone and everyone BUT this unfunny hack for her various failures. Why does she continue to get a pass? She has proven time and again that she is just as much to blame for this sort of tripe as her no-talent husband (with whom she co-writes this garbage!).

Wake the hell up, already. Melissa McCarthy is not worth anyone's time.

Phantasm (1979)

Troll 2 before there was Troll 2

[2/10 · 4 June 2021]

Holy hell what an absolute mess this "horror" film was. Over the decades, this film has somehow become a cult classic and I honestly have no idea why.

As others have pointed out, the story is non-existent, the "villain" is more comical than scary and the "acting" (such as it is) is the stuff of MST3K dreams. In fact, had it not been for the boobs, this surely would have made the cut for the fine folks at Gizmonics Institute.

The sorry excuse for a plot has been covered many times by other reviewers, so I won't rehash. I couldn't help being reminded of Troll 2 whenever the laughable, non-scary dwarves showed up. I would not be surprised at all to learn that the writer and director of Troll 2 were highly influenced by this mess.

Regarding the ending, how did ice cream boy come back to life? I can only assume that they resurrected his character in order to ensure that one protagonist would remain for the sequel(s). Who knows?

Don't waste your time with this. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this goofy film.

The IT Crowd (2006–2013)

Easily the most consistently hilarious show I have ever seen

[10/10 · 19 February 2021]

Good God, where to begin with this show? In general, I have never laughed so hard at a show in my life. I have literally found myself gasping for air many times while watching. The cast, the writing, the direction - you cannot go wrong with Graham Linnehan. The man is a genius.

Every single episode is gut-bustingly hilarious. Every. Single. One. If I had to pick favorite episodes, I'd go with "Reynholm v. Reynholm", "Tramps Like Us" and "The Work Outing".

This show is so painfully hilarious that I can only watch one episode at a time for fear of passing out.

Traveling the Stars: Action Bronson and Friends Watch Ancient Aliens (2016–2019)

Why are you watching this sober?

[8/10 · 28 June 2020]

If you watched this show whilst sober and wrote a bad review as a result, you're doing it wrong and this show isn't for you.

IF, however, you like to partake in the wonders of cheeba, this may very well be the show for you as it is meant to enhance the "experience". Sure, at its core, it's nothing but a green screen studio populated by stoners who are occasionally watching Ancient Aliens, more frequently toking up and making various nonsensical comments, but that's what makes it so great.....if you are in the right state of mind.

Don't watch this sober and don't show clips to sober friends. It simply won't work.

Under Siege (1992)

Corny, scenery-chewing performances kill this movie

[3/10 · 23 May 2020]

We all know and accept the fact that Seagal is a truly terrible "actor", so a laughably bad performance by him is always expected. That said, his "performance" is far from the worst aspect of this laughably bad schlock-fest. Indeed, the honor for worst performance in "Under Siege" is shared by Tommy "Scenery-Chewer" Lee Jones and Andy Romano, each of whom delivers cornball, eye-rollingly bad lines in the most over-the-top, melodramatic fashion imaginable. Seriously, I actually became embarrassed while watching these over-actors put their "talents" on display.

In addition being a king-size jerk, Tommy Lee Jones is an overrated, scenery-chewing hack whose career has been filled with performances featuring the same boiler plate "character" time and again. Jones is one of those actors who essentially plays himself in every role, exhibiting zero range or dynamic whatsoever. If you've seen one performance from him, you've seen them all. In this film, Jones's ridiculous, over-the-top Saturday Morning cartoons soliloquy and subsequent "little piggy" switch-flipping stand out above the rest as examples of just how awful he is.

Romano has always functioned as a "bit" actor who injects so much contrived melodrama into his performances that it's advisable to keep the fast-forward button within reach. To wit: "If I can't control you.....(pregnant pause)....I may as well support you. You, uh, have yourself some good luck out there". Ugh.

Many other things to hate about this film, but I'll just end it by stating that the entire score (including all instruments) appears to have been composed in an old 80s Roland D-50. It sounds hokey and dated.

This is a terrible movie, plain and simple, even for what it is: a formulaic action "thriller".

Bone Tomahawk (2015)

Slow, plodding and features one of the most nauseating scenes I've witnessed

[5/10 · 2 March 2020]

Having heard so many good things about this film and, wanting to watch something unique, I finally gave this a watch. I am actually sorry I did, mainly due to one scene - the infamous "splitting" scene, which I won't spoil, but will warn that, if you are in any way "sensitive" to gore, you REALLY need to avoid this scene. I've watched many great and/or gory horror films over the years (and I love a good twisted horror film), so I am hardly one to become repulsed easily. The scene in question nearly made me vomit on the spot and I can't get it out of my head. It was entirely unnecessary and obviously included only for the shock value. Even the most exploitative films and scenes need to exhibit a purpose beyond going for straight-up shock value and the execution of this scene failed miserably in that regard.

That is all I will say about that.

Regarding the overall film quality, I felt that it was poorly paced, though not nearly as "slow" as others have described. For the first 20-30 minutes, the film does plod along while unnecessarily dragging out certain scenes, but it levels off well enough for the remainder of the film. Still, the early poor pacing is noticeable enough so as to detract from the scenes in question. Many have criticized the run time, but I had no issue with it, the first 20-30 minutes notwithstanding.

In terms of performances, Kurt Russell and Richard Jenkins were the obvious standouts, so much so that they prevented the film from constituting an absolute bust.

Again, if you have a weak stomach, you will either need to avoid this film altogether or go to another room when the infamous scene occurs.

Overlord (2018)

Modern-day Grindhouse classic

[8/10 · 17 December 2019]

If you dialed up this film on a streaming service expecting historical accuracy and any degree of believability whatsoever, you pretty much deserve what you get. This is a very well-done Grindhouse (B-movie) film that delivers on every level a film like this should.

Again, this is a Grindhouse movie! Take it for what it is and you will be insanely entertained. This is the craziest, most intentionally over-the-top film I have seen in a long time and its trailer would have fit in wonderfully among the other trailers in Robert Rodriguez's and Quentin Tarantino's double feature masterpiece several years ago. It has everything a great B-movie should have: Tons of over the top gore, intentionally ridiculous plot, insane Nazis, re-animated killer soldiers, guns, crashes, contrived suspense, ill-formed characters and mayhem galore. And it never lets up.

I get it. We all want to see logical plotlines, believable villains/heroes and historical accuracy. There are plenty of films out there to satisfy those needs. There are also countless films out there that satisfy B-Movie lust, but NONE have delivered like this in quite some time.

If you want a "guilty" pleasure B-movie that you actually won't feel guilty for liking, this is the film for you.

The Happytime Murders (2018)

It's time to admit it: Melissa McCarthy IS the problem

[1/10 · 31 August 2018]

For years, Melissa McCarthy has been excused for the embarrassing dreck in which she has starred. It's always someone else's fault: the director, the writers, the cinematographer, etc. the fact is, throughout all of the failures (Identity Thief, Ghostbusters, Life of the Party, The Boss, Tammy), there has been one constant: Melissa McCarthy. It's time to stop giving her pass. She is funny ONLY in skits and small doses, but her tired, Chris Farley-retread act has long since worn thin. Her delivery is awful and she uses that annoying voice and bumbling choreography to mask the fact that she just...isn't...funny.

Of all of her embarrassments, Happytime Murders represents the true "bottom". Or so we can hope, because trying to imagine something even worse than this tripe is not an exercise in which I wish to engage.

To be honest, I only made it halfway through this abomination before making a hasty exit. That was 45?mins I'll never get back and its only potentially redeeming value exists in the fact that I can at least provide a warning to you, the viewer: Please do not spend a dime or a minute on this wreck. It deserves neither.

Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

The pinnacle of Unfunny

[1/10 · 5 February 2018]

Yeah, I get it. They were attempting to create a spoof/parody of 70s/80s camp films. Done properly, this could have been a comedic classic. As it stands, the writers were apparently convinced that cornball "humor" and supposedly satirical and overt stereotypes were enough to appeal to the masses on the basis of forced "irony" and quasi-esoteric inside jokes. What a mess.

The first thing that should have tipped me off that this would ultimately prove to be a complete waste of my time was the inclusion of Michael Ian Black, who is mostly known for an appalling bevy of failed, tragically unfunny Comedy Central shows. Try as he might, Black is could not be funny if his life depended on it, which is a shame because I honestly want to like the guy.

Aside from Black, the film boasts a sizable number of actors/comedians who would ultimately move on to greater things. Then again, graduating to public access TV would constitute "moving on to greater things" after appearing in this abomination.

There really is nothing at all to like about this movie, at least for me. Sure, there are fanboys out there who will tell you that you "just don't get it", as if hidden beneath the tepid ooze lies some masterful form of comic genius. Trust me - if you vainly search for any sort of redeeming, comedic value in this mess, you will be sorely disappointed.

Cliffhanger (1993)

Insultingly stupid

[2/10 · 29 September 2017]

(Spoilers ahead)

I get that action yarns such as this typically require a partial or complete suspension of disbelief, but, when a movie comes along that is so staggeringly stupid that the requirement of said suspension constitutes an intellectual assault on the viewer, well, it's impossible to give the film makers a pass. This is such a movie.

Others have already covered the plot in more detail than is necessary, so you've already been sufficiently apprised of the fact that Lithgow & Co. are searching the mountains of Colorado (Canadian rockies, in actuality) for the money they've stolen and subsequently lost. Stallone, in typical Stallone fashion, plays the over-the-top action hero who is, in this specific case, a tortured soul thanks to his inability to save a friend from a tragic fall.

Moving on to the idiocy, I'll list but a few of the offenses that make this movie so unforgettably awful:

1. The 60-year old, non-weight rated, hardware store-quality rope that manages to somehow hold both Stallone and "Jesse" as they repel their way to eventual safety whilst fraying, piece by piece. In tact, the rope would not hold either one, let alone both, for 5 seconds before breaking. The idea that it would be able to hold both of them, even after having sustained broken braids caused me to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that I actually sustained a headache.

2. The scene in which Stallone manages to kill Travis from below river surface may have been the single most offensively unrealistic scene in the movie and here's why: First, when the body spends any degree of time in freezing water, muscles become nearly "paralyzed", making quick movements almost impossible. Yet somehow, Stallone was able to quickly remove his shirt, see through the murky water/ice and, in quick-draw fashion, shoot Travis as he stood above him on the ice. Next, As we saw earlier in the movie, the cold temps caused Stallone to struggle after having encountered Jesse in the shelter. How, in God's name, was he not completely hypothermic after having been submerged for an extended period in icy water? Further, how did he manage to dry so quickly and remain calm (and non-shivering) within 10 mins after he had been rescued from the depths? Props to him for managing to restyle his hair, too! Finally, how was his decision to grab Travis and pull both of them into icy water an even remotely logical decision?

3. As great of an actor as John Lithgow has demonstrated himself to be, his scenery chewing and overacting were beyond absurd. Coupled with the vaguely European accent and repeated utterances of "BOSTID!" (bastard), his performance was just way over the top.

4. Following on from #1 above, the scene in which Stallone somehow managed to grab and hold onto a rock face with one hand while gripping and ultimately pulling Jesse to safety with the other (all without chalk or ropes!) did, admittedly, cause me to laugh audibly, so props to the film makers for that.

5. The use of night vision goggles during a supposed "night" scene (when Stallone and one of the villains slid for what appeared to be a couple of miles in the snow) was especially absurd given the fact that it was obviously filmed during the light of day.

These are but a few of this film's transgressions. Overall, this is an Ed Wood/Uwe Boll-level action flick that begs for a Rifftrax treatment. The only reason I afforded it as many as two stars was due to the cinematography.

2 Broke Girls (2011–2017)

Truly, truly abysmal

[1/10 · 22 September 2015]

Admittedly, there is very little programming on network TV that is worth watching (and I'm being kind), but this idiotic, excremental excuse for entertainment represents a new low in sitcom history. The bozos who attempt to function as the "stars" have zero talent, the writing is 3rd grade level, if that, and the direction is barely worthy of late night local access fare.

Yes, folks, this show really is that bad. How this abomination continues to be renewed is beyond what the rational mind could hope to comprehend. How any sober, educated, functioning individual could sit through this tripe is also a mystery.

If there is one positive aspect associated with this show, it's the fact that the members of the International Hello Larry Fan Club can no longer be lambasted for maintaining an interest in the worst excuse for programming to ever litter the airwaves. 2 Broke, Vapid, Painfully Unfunny Girls can now proudly lay claim to this dubious honor.

Key and Peele (2012–2015)

When taking jokes too far goes wrong...

[5/10 · 5 July 2015]

I really want to like this show more that I do. As pure comic talents, Key & Peele are great. They possess natural comedic talent and they are both very likable. The problem is that every skit devolves into yet another joke taken way too far. While the ideas and premises are mostly good, the skits are written such that the joke is revealed within the first 15 seconds and then exhaustingly repeated over and over and over until it has been milked to the point at which it is no longer funny, rather, it has become annoying and tiresome.

I remain convinced that these guys can do so much better and frustrated that they have yet to do so.

Next of Kin (1989)

Liam Neeson's high water mark!

[3/10 · 29 June 2015]

A "so bad it's hilarious" classic from the late 80s, this fine film represents Liam "Scenery Chewer" Neeson's high water mark in the role that he was born to play. Starring as the stereotypical redneck with a stereotypically redneck name ("Briar", y'all! SHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!), Neeson plays the foil to his supposedly reformed and equally inbred brother, "Truman", capably portrayed by "The Swayze."

Rest assured, mindless rednecks aren't the only species receiving the stereotype treatment here - Chicago mobsters (including an early performance by Zoolander himself) also manage to get into the act, making for 108 wacky minutes of hijinx, merriment and goofiness, the likes which the Three Stooges would have found to be impressive.

So hat's off to Liam Neeson and the pinnacle-topping performance of his mighty career!

Flip or Flop (2013–2022)

Petulant bimbo + brainless "bro" = unwatchable show

[1/10 · 21 June 2015]

Just when you think reality fare can't get any worse, along comes HGTV's vacuous, despicable duo, whatshername and whatshisname, with the unwatchable "Flip or Flop". The premise is basic enough - two idiots buy houses, based upon their ability to flip them once fixed up. Not terribly exciting, but whatever. There's a market and audience for any type of "reality"-based idea and I'm sure this one's no better or worse than any other.

The problem with this show is that its two hosts are so staggeringly one dimensional, empty headed and devoid of ANY personality or redeeming qualities whatsoever that the viewer is lulled to sleep before the first commercial break. Whatshername basically possesses two forms of expression: abject petulance and utter confusion, neither of which endears her to even the most remotely discriminating viewer. It's obvious that the dim bulb flickering inside her bleached cranium has never generated anything which could pass for an original thought or useful idea. Her standard response to virtually any "event" which transpires on the show involves a pout, a head tilt and zero helpful feedback. Every situation looks like it requires too much thought or labor for her to handle, hence the pouting.

Whatshisname is only marginally better as he can at least be expected to express a semi- lucid thought on occasion. He, too, seems too ill-equipped to handle any sort of manual labor which might be required to improve the seemingly hapless lot into which he chooses to dump his investment.

Sadly, shows like this tend to make it in spite of (or because of) their tragically unlikable "stars" and this one will probably fare similarly. Meanwhile, somewhere out there, a couple with talent, personality and intelligence is wasting away flipping soon-to-be condemned properties in Crapville, NJ while these two idiots get paid to flaunt their incompetence to a national audience.

What a shame.

Mile... Mile & a Half (2013)

Nice, breezy little doc

[8/10 · 6 April 2015]

Filled with great cinematography and light-hearted stories/accounts, this doc is an enjoyable look at a 25-day hike along the JMT by a group of film professionals who also happen to be friends. Is it an Errol Morris-level documentary? No, but it is quite entertaining nonetheless, especially for the novice outdoor enthusiast or someone who is simply seeking to live vicariously through a group that is hiking through beautiful country.

There are no hiking tips or technical discussions here because such is not the point. This is simply a film designed to provide the viewer with a pleasant "vacation" in the form of a hike that most will never have the time to complete.

My recommendation is to just dispense with any cynicism and enjoy the journey.

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

From Fro To Bozo

[1/10 · 16 March 2015]

This "film" is not only excruciating, moronic, vapid and devoid of any value whatsoever, it actually manages to plunge to depths beneath the worst of the worst in the vaunted badfilm genre. Yes, this steaming pile of excrement, with its tragically talentless manufactured stars dives deep into the sewer, waving to the likes of "Glitter", "ROTOR" and "Robot Holocaust" on its way down until it ultimately reaches sub-bottom.

American Idol was created for the purpose of giving otherwise mediocre (at best) "talent" the opportunity to be undeservedly rewarded for producing saccharine, soulless tripe while far more talented musicians, songwriters and bands around the world are forced to slave away in dingy clubs in hopes of garnering a semblance of recognition. Were it not for this abortion of a television show, these useless dregs would never have surfaced and we would have been spared their idiocy.

It should come as no surprise, then, that some sorry studio would take advantage of this sudden "stardom" by casting two undeserving idiots in a film through which they could simply sleepwalk for a paycheck while real, working actors around the world continue to slave away under hot lights and in empty playhouses.

For the reasons illustrated above, you should not only NEVER give a plug nickel to the creators of this God-awful, vomitorious excuse for cinema, you should never IN ANY WAY, provide patronage to the likes of Kelly Whatshername and Justin Whatshisname. Their "performances" here and on record are an utter embarrassment.

Save your money. Save your soul.

Valhalla (2013)

Ethereal and surreal - not your typical "ski movie"

[9/10 · 30 December 2014]

As a longtime snowboarder, I tend to shy away from ski-oriented films (especially the corny self-absorbedness of Warren Miller's yearly offerings), however, the description for this one on Netflix piqued my interest as it seemed to offer something other than toothy grins in day- glo jumpsuits.

The film's dramatized story revolves around a community of free spirits who have set up camp ("Valhalla") in the snowy mountains of BC, led by a bodhisattva of sorts. Mesmerizing footage of skiing and snowboarding is interspersed with biographies of - and tales associated with - various "tribe" members. The common Warren Miller devotee will likely find such depth and reflection unappealing, but for those of us who enjoy something more to life than Jaegerbombs with "bros" and Dave Mathews Band playlists, this film is very refreshing.

The soundtrack alone (criminally unreleased, btw) is worth the price of admission as it features an eclectic, dreamy tapestry designed to further enhance the inescapable feelings of bliss obtained while viewing.

Check this one out. You don't have to be a skier, snowboarder or even an outdoors enthusiast to enjoy it - just someone who can appreciate life outside of societal conventions and constraints.

The Interview (II) (2014)

Jesus wants you to see this movie

[1/10 · 24 December 2014]

If there is one movie featuring two idiots who are hired to kill an imbecilic buffoon of a dictator to see this Christmas, make it this one. Trust me, Jesus would want it this way.

Directors Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen, descendants themselves of Yahweh, have bestowed upon us the most important film of the decade, nay, millennium thus far and, as such, each should be summarily sainted for their efforts.

While, normally, it don't matter to Jesus, rest assured that this landmark cinematic masterpiece most certainly DOES matter to Jesus. Do not make Baby Jesus cry on his birthday. See this film and save your soul.

Post-hysteria Edit: Just joking. This is the worst film in memory. Do not waste your time. Not a funny scene or line in the whole thing.

Zombie Lake (1981)

French boobs, sentimental zombies and bird noises

[1/10 · 2 August 2014]

Truly, laughably, staggeringly awful. This is not only the worst zombie film ever made, it may very well be the worst film ever made, period. Robot Holocaust, R.O.T.O.R. and even Troll 2 have nothing on this travesty.

Fortunately, it is so bad that it is hilarious. Trust me, it is hilarious.

Horrific editing, lighting, acting, direction, cinematography, screen writing, makeup, casting, and everything else aside, the fact that it features a zombie who not only shows emotion for his kid, but actually gives her a necklace, walks hand-in-hand with her and (seriously) fights off other zombies in order to protect her(!) is, well......stupefying. A sentimental zombie, folks, and one who bestows gifts and heaps love upon his long lost daughter. I'm not kidding, it's in there.

Yes, there are boatloads of silly and gratuitous nudity, all of which is poorly lighted and has no business in this movie other than to lure the desperate into the theater (assuming this ever graced the reels of a theater in France). Its inclusion and execution is so misplaced and laughably exploitative that it is completely devoid of the erotic effect that was no doubt originally intended.

And then there are the bird noises. Scene after scene is dominated by loud, screeching bird noises. I do not know why. Perhaps the French countryside was simply overrun by bird noises the day this film was shot or perhaps the director felt the need to mask the sound of rusted, whirring cameras with a sound which would remind the confused viewers that the scene they were watching was, in fact, an exterior. The one good thing I'll say about the incessant bird noises is that they represent, at the very least, a reprieve from the God-awful soundtrack.

There is so much else to say about this movie, but I will leave it to you to find the many "treasures" as the film painfully and slowly unfolds.

Throw a "bad film" party and save this one for the finale when everyone is suitably tanked and ready for the worst of the worst. Your friends will be talking about it - and you - for years.