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Nobrayn
Reviews
Serenity (2005)
Not a single moment in this film is wasted.
This film is an utter masterpiece. I have never raved so much about a film in my life as I have been lately about 'Serenity'. So many words come to mind when I think about it...
Beautiful, heartbreaking, shocking, funny, immersive, exciting... Much more...
The chemistry between the actors who make up crew of Serenity is unbelievably genuine. Joss made the right decision to ensure the original cast was wrangled up for the making of this movie.
The dialog and back story is both intelligent and engaging. There was not one second where I didn't have my eyes glued to the screen.
See this movie. Sci-Fi fans and non fans alike can and will enjoy it. Even if you haven't a clue what 'Firefly' is, all the more reason to check this out, and then pick up the 'Firefly' episodes on DVD.
The Scorpion King (2002)
This movie hurt my brain.
I normally don't go for these no-brainer action flicks, but once I received 2 passes to the advance screening in Vancouver, I thought 'Ahhh, who knows - there might be some decent special effects and kickass sound... I mean, it *is* basically 'The Mummy 3' right?'.
Oh.....dear......Lord...! Instead, I got to witness one of the most dull, unoriginal, overacted pieces of cinema filth ever created. I'm sorry if I sound harsh (gee, do I?!) but I was so upset that I wasted $7 in public transit fare to get to the theatre and back.
I'm just going to quickly spout off here. 1) The fire ants looked like CGI from the early 90's. Weak! 2) Gratuitous use of everyone's favourite 'Sckhgghtcchh' sound whenever someone gets stabbed. It got tiring after the first few deaths. 3) This movie had absolutely NO innovative ideas whatsoever. I spent the first 5 minutes figuring out how the rest of the movie was going to go. I wasn't far off...
Bah! I was hoping that I'd at least be able to laugh at this movie, but it was *so* bad that I sat there, writhing and twisting and groaning in my seat, anxious for the ending. When it came, the entire audience let out a sigh of relief, and piled out of the theatre. I overhead this comment:
"Well, he's a better actor than Hulk Hogan." "Ah, that doesn't say too much though".
Mmm, true.
Orgazmo (1997)
This sucked...
For a spoof of pornos, this movie contained too few laughs and too few naked people (aside from men's hairy butts). The best lines come from G Fresh - the homie Japanese sushi-dude, and Matt Stone's character, Dave the lighting guy (who doesn't want to sound like a queer or nothin')... The other somewhat redeeming quality for this movie is Choda Boy's costume - simply the BEST superhero costume ever made. Other than a few hilarious moments, the movie drags on..and on.....and on.
Night of the Living Bread (1990)
This sucked....
'Utter Crap' pretty well sums up what this...."movie" was. I'd rather examine the colon of an African elephant with a penlight than sit through this again. I think I've wasted enough time watching this "movie" - I don't need to waste more by commenting on it further......
Wing Commander (1999)
Another video game-based-movie that didn't work.
Now, considering that I won free passes to this movie, I really shouldn't complain right? Well, I have to. Since the geniuses at the theatre had the film out of focus for the first 20 minutes, I had a lot of time to focus on the dialogue, which was confusing and pointless, except for the one-liners (which were pretty well-placed and humorous).
There were not enough cool space fight-scenes as I was expecting (that's what the GAME was about, so....) but when we did see some action, it wasn't very satisfying.
The plot was oh-so predictable as well. I can even predict the end, which I never got to see because I got up and left the theatre. NOT, mind you, because the film was really *that* bad, but because with about 30 minutes to go, the film suddenly turned upside down and mirrored, and the soundtrack was backwards..... Fun.
Convict 762 (1997)
Atrocious in every way...
I'm not going to waste much time commenting on this movie because I already wasted enough time WATCHING it (and wasted money by renting it....)
A spaceship, "manned" completely by women, kinda crashes into a meteor and has to jettison 80% of its fuel in order not to crash. This marks the first poorly-done scene. They now need to find a place to refuel, and the only place close enough is a prison planet, and of course there's all sorts of nasty rumours about it.
As they come close to the 'colony', they see 2 guys in terrible suits fighting. I can't even explain the crappy cinematography that happens here.... They like, knock one guy over with the ship, then rescue the other guy. ONE of them is a nasty evil killer, but you don't know who. Sometimes this kinda plot works, but in this case, it's just boring. There are a couple good ideas, but nothing gets pulled off correctly in this mess of a movie...
Also, it's rated R, there's a ship with 6 nice looking women on it, and can you guess what DOESN'T happen?? No nudity! What a gip. (aren't I a pig....)
The Tom Green Show (1999)
Funniest show on Canadian TV
Each season, the Tom Green Show gets so much better. This is due to recognition, and fan requests for MORE!! Tom Charges next to nothing to be a member of the audience, considering you live in the area where it's filmed (Ontario somewhere). If you go see the show without knowing what to expect, you're in for a VERY big surprise. He's got the traditional talk show set-up; a desk for him, chairs for the guests, etc. It's comparable to the Conan O'Brian Show - Conan's got a fat sidekick named Andy, and Tom's got a fat sidekick named Glen (Humplik). The show might start out relatively normal, until Tom whips out a bag of milk and drenches Glen. OK, a little strange, sure. Then Tom might direct your attention to the monitors, which will show you a clip of him doing something insanely stupid around the city, like putting himself in a huge plastic bag and collecting garbage, dressed up like a lady, and singing "It's time to clean the city!" over and over. OK, he's insane. Now he'll bring out a guest, maybe a cook. He'll let the chef start explaining how to cook mussels, then Tom just might grab a baseball bat and proceed to smash the food & equipment. Wow, this is funny, you think - until Tom throws the bowl of smashed mussels into the audience, many landing in your lap.
Of course - this may not happen. Instead, he might just get up and start screaming, or whip out his guitar and serenade to Glen's buttocks. Or he could just decide to start the music, and trash the set. You'll never know what to expect if you watch the Tom Green Show.
Psycho (1998)
Idea: Instead of watching this awful movie, go read a book or play with your dog...or...ANYTHING!!
This is probably the most insanely boring movie ever made. The ONE good scene, involving William H. Macy's face and a sharp object, was still below par in the thrills category. The movie schlogged along at a pitifully slow pace. I had just seen Lost Highway, and learned that sometimes boring movies get really good. Psycho...did not. It never got any better, which was an incredible let-down (mainly because I spent $9.75 to see the bloody thing). Everyone in the theatre boo'd when the movie was over, comments like "that sucked" or "what the hell were they thinking" were overheard. The biggest disappointment of all, was the ever-famous 'Shower Scene'. Only this time, the 'spine-tingling' music came in a little late, bringing the effect down by about 100%. Thank you and goodnight.
The Waterboy (1998)
It had its moments, but Sandler could have done SO much better
The Waterboy is more like Billy Madison than it is to Happy Gilmore. In Happy Gilmore, Sandler used comedy techniques that have been effective in the past, yet made them his own, with new, fresh ways of executing them. Look at the classic scene with Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation, where he goes off for a couple minutes screaming and cussing out his boss. Compare that to Sandler when he was screaming at the golf ball for 'not liking his home' and going in the hole. Essentially the same, but Sandler does a better job. Now, in the Waterboy, there ARE some new comedic strategies, and yes, a couple of them are pulled off well, but others fall flat and are just not funny at all. To make things worse, most of the funny parts were shown in the commercials, so when you see them on screen, you know what's coming, and aren't that interested. Overall, I did think this movie was worth the $4 matinee price, but would not be worth the regular $8, the characters weren't interesting enough, and the humour just wasn't frequent or funny enough.