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Reviews
The Magnificent Seven (2016)
completely misses the point
The original is an all-time classic for good reasons. Not only does it have a cast full of film icons, but it follows a can't miss plot line taken from The Seven Samurai and brings genuine emotion and meaning to the proceedings. The hired gunfighters each have their reasons and there is an underlying sadness to go along with the concepts of pride and honor and heroism and desperation.
This remake has zero subtleties, gives the characters no motivation and makes the villain comically evil. There isn't an honest note to be found and it turns into nothing but a vengeance shoot 'em up.
It is an insult to film buffs that this movie is even using the same name. Think of all the great human moments in the original. Comforting the dying Harry by telling him that there really was loads of gold. Robert Vaughn's character talking about living in a a corner of a storeroom. Or this exchange
Boy: We're ashamed to live here. Our fathers are cowards. O'Reilly: Don't you ever say that again about your fathers, because they are not cowards. You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility, for you, your brothers, your sisters, and your mothers. And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends and it twists them until finally it buries them under the ground. And there's nobody says they have to do this. They do it because they love you, and because they want to. I have never had this kind of courage. Running a farm, working like a mule every day with no guarantee anything will ever come of it. This is bravery. That's why I never even started anything like that... that's why I never will.
The bad guy in the original was still human, had logical reasons for his behavior and of course was played by the great Eli Wallach. In this one he's a joke.
I'm actually mad at Denzel for lending his credibility to this
The Island (2005)
great premise ruined by Michael Bay
this is almost like two different movies. The first half sets up a really interesting, intelligent sci-fi premise, which COULD have resulted in a great, scary, thought provoking classic. Instead, one of the biggest hacks in Hollywood does his usual over the top treatment - non-stop action, stunts, music, quick cuts, slow motion, wreck everything, logic out the window - and the second half turns into one long stupid chase sequence. Bay just can't help himself, because he has zero intelligence or attention span he assumes the audience doesn't either. So disappointing. 5/10 PS Interestingly enough the concept of memories being passed down through DNA is now close to being proved possible.
Affliction (1997)
incredibly disappointing
I read the novel a couple weeks ago and thought it was a masterpiece, couldn't put it down. The character of Wade Whitehouse and how he progressed from childhood to his 40s was masterfully related. So I just got the movie on Netflix. Ugh. The movie is SO rushed, with almost no back story whatsoever, that there is no logic behind how anyone acts. Nothing about his youth and how his high school sweetheart and he supported each other through their family issues, nothing about the 2 older brothers who died in the war, totally sugar coated the violent father (one smack in one flashback!), cut major plot points altogether. Basically where everything flowed and you could understand how he got to a point and you felt bad for him in the book, the movie he just seems nutty.
Read the book, it is a rewarding, haunting experience that will stay with you. The movie is good actors trying their best but it is a mere shell of the source material.
Brick (2005)
more annoying than interesting
this is a great example of why indie reviews need to be taken with a grain of salt. If a studio put this out it would have been panned, but since its an indie everyone has to heap praise on it for being original and a "fresh take on noir".
IMO it doesn't work as a crime film because the whole concept of teens acting and talking like 1940s gangsters is so ludicrous that all realism is lost. And you can't understand half of what is said because every other word is some ancient or made up slang. It doesn't work as a mystery because there aren't enough clues for the viewer to have any clue how it is finally "solved." And it doesn't work as satire because it isn't funny or witty, I chuckled once or twice but I can't even remember now at what.
There is a retroactive praise thing happening here because the director showed real talent in some Breaking Bad episodes and with Looper, but those were 5-7 years AFTER this, he didn't exactly get flooded with directing offers after its release.
I don't grade on a curve simply because it was a first effort by a young writer/director. The voters giving this a 10, right up there with The Godfather and Goodfellas and whatever, are just being silly.
M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (1973)
best episode ever
my personal favorite, full of great lines, Frank Burns moments, young John Ritter, Sidney, Pat Morita and of course the first appearance of who would later become known as Colonel Flagg.
As a poker player, I rank this alongside The Sting as my favorite poker scene in a movie or TV show. A steady stream of one liners that still crack me up.
Edward Winter appears as CID man Captain Halloran, his first appearance in the series. He was so good that he would make many later appearances as Col. Flagg, my favorite character in the whole series.
Frank gets to be typical Frank and has many funny moments as well. Just the most total laughs of any episode ever.
"hey, up close you're a guy" "far away too"
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
most overrated film ever made
I am absolutely stunned at the reviews here, are there really that many closeted gays out there ? The comments crack me up - "exquisite silences"- LOL. Another way of saying that there are huge chunks of this movie where not only does nothing happen, no one says anything. Heath Ledger getting critical acclaim... for NOT talking, as he is on screen for a good 1:45 and says about 100 words.
10 years from now, or maybe a lot less, people are going to wonder if the Academy was collectively on drugs when talking about how this thing easily won Best Picture.
We do know the answer to the question "how many professional film critics are gay", which is obviously a helluva lot. there is no other explanation for the high praise of this snooze-fest.
Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)
as bad as it gets
I knew it would be awful, but I thought maybe the camp value would make it funny enough to watch. Wrong.
This is one where the IMDb comments minimum of 10 lines does nothing but waste disk storage someplace.
No plot, no suspense, awful acting by young actors you've never heard of for good reason and old actors who used to have a career (Bryan Brown should have retired after the first FX). The so called effects are as lame as they looked on the previews.
They throw in the standard teen romance that is as tepid and G-rated as possible. No chemistry, no heat, no point. No one is very likable, no one is unlikable either for that matter. The whole thing is like plain white rice.
It's a 1, but I gave it a 2 because there was at least one girl in a bikini visible during 95% of the scenes.
Bull Durham (1988)
good film but rips off Long Gone
Long Gone was an HBO film from 1987 that is a GREAT movie. Bull Durham simply steals 90% of the plot and characters, adds big name stars and becomes the movie everyone knows. The grizzled veteran, the hot shot rookie, the sexy local girl, etc.
I like BD well enough (though as usual Costner has the acting range of a Louisville Slugger), but it will always be down a notch in my book for the blatant ripoff of what I consider a grittier, better film.
Costner isn't as good as William Peterson, Sarandon isn't as sexy as Virginia Madsen.
funny line from her bio "Her brother, actor Michael Madsen, refuses to see any of her movies in which she appears naked." that eliminates just about every film from her 1st 10 years except this one.
In the Cut (2003)
painfully bad
I had low expectations as I thought the book was overrated but this was so much worse than I thought possible. The whole movie made me squirm it was so awful. The dialogue is terrible, there is no motivation behind ANY of the actions or words of any of the characters. The sex scenes were uncomfortable, not sexy. Every word spoken by the 2 cops was cringe inducing. Nothing rings true and there isn't a likeable character in the whole movie. There is no suspense, no tension. And while Meg's body looked fine her face looked awful.
Jane Campion owes her an apology. The worst movie I have seen in years.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
mediocre in every way
Kenneth Branagh was funny. That's it for the good points. Not very exciting, not very suspenseful, not very funny. The Ron character is incredibly annoying and the rip-off of the Lord of the Rings has accelerated. It was bad enough before, with Harry as Frodo, the kindly wizard as his mentor, the evil wizard as enemy, but now...
Dobby as the Gollum rip-off is the most annoying character since Jar Jar. They even throw in a giant spider ala Shelob, but not nearly as well done of course. I could forgive all this if the movie was at least exciting. This series is played out already and there are 4 more to come ! Ugh, spare me...
Shoot to Kill (1988)
decent but unbelievable
nice scenery, good performances, but the total lack of logic makes it average at best. Forgetting all the procedural annoyances like the FBI sending one guy to go hiking after a mass murderer instead of the standard army of helicopters, planes, dogs, whatever I have one major pet peeve.
Mr Mountain Man Berenger goes trekking off into snow country wearing jeans ! LOL. After they made a big deal about outfitting the FBI guy properly. Wading into a river, being able to dig a huge snow cave in the middle of a storm with no shovels, climbing a big rock formation in heavy hiking boots (what happened to the backpacks in that scene anyway).
And Kirstie Allie and her big butt as a hiking guide ?!? I've seen those women, they are lean mean walking machines.
Oh, and another thing - after an hour plus of them hiking, which took days supposedly, they come out on a highway !!! Like they couldn't have just waited for them.
The whole thing was just silly. 5/10.
Ghosts of Mars (2001)
3rd rate knockoff
This movie has been done a million times, every time better than this junk.
1. Ther "plot" is the old "show up somewhere, people are dead, now we are under attack". Can be effective but there is no sense of mystery or discovery. No suspense either.
2. The sets and effects are laughably cheesy. Like student film level.
3. The acting is brutal. Now I think Natasha Henstridge is beautiful and she can be ok in a light weight role (Species, The Whole Nine Yards). But she is just terrible in this. Then of course there is Ice Cube. I find it hard to believe that there aren't some talented black actors out there available for action roles. He is just awful in every movie he's ever been in. There are fine actors starving to death and this clown gets part after part.
Action/horror or whatever you want to call this still needs decent acting to draw the viewer in. With these two as the leads there is no hope. Compare their performances to, oh, I dunno, Sigourney Weaver and Michael Biehn in Aliens. Hell, compare it to Kirk Russell in Escape From New York.
Basically John Carpenter is now a director to be avoided. there is a reason this was his last movie as a director.
Young Guns (1988)
Emilio Estevez proves he's NOT a star
Just a terribly acted movie. Forget about the inane plot, forget the historical inaccuracies, forget the annoying cheesy rock soundtrack, the overriding problem is just dreadful acting all around. The lowlight being Emilio Estevez in the main role, he is simply awful, every line is cringe worthy. Lou Diamond Phillips gets his chance to humiliate himself with a monologue about his tribe being massacred. Quite obvious why his and Emilio's careers quickly vanished, they are just brutal. Charlie Sheen showed good sense choosing a character that gets killed off early, he can't take any blame. 4/10.
The Big Chill (1983)
I will never tire of watching this
A great, great movie. Every bit of dialogue, every subtle facial expression, every performance is dead on. The fantastic cast brings Kasdan's witty, insightful script to life. It gets funnier every time I see it and I'm probably up to a dozen viewings. Oh, and has there ever been a better soundtrack ? Not just great songs, but each is perfect for it's particular scene.
Waterworld (1995)
blatant ripoff of The Road Warrior
let us count the ways...
RW in the future there is nothing but dirt and water is scarce W in the future there is nothing but water and dirt is scarce
RW a lone outcast cruises around in a cool, high powered car W a lone outcast cruises around in a cool, high powered boat
RW the remaining civilized people live in a compound protected by high walls and battle stations while crazed psychos cruise around on various vehicles trying to get in W the remaining civilized people live in a compound protected by high walls and battle stations while crazed psychos cruise around on various vehicles trying to get in
RW there is a cute little boy with wild hair who is saved by the hero W there is a cute little girl with wild hair who is saved by the hero
RW the head bad guy wears a mask W the head bad guy wears a patch
RW everyone wants the gas W everyone wants the water
RW in the end the hero is left by himself W in the end the hero leaves by himself
Brother (2000)
was there a point to this nonsense ?
All of you giving this 10 out of 10, what drugs are you on ? What exactly was the point ? Characters without name come and go, people get shot, fingers get cut off. The dialogue for the whole movie probably totals about 3 pages.
Why is anyone dedicated to the violent silent Aniki ? Who knows. Why do guys kill themselves to prove a point ? Who knows.
Forget about plot, there is none. I love the people who praise the long, still camera shots as if there is some deep meaning behind them. More likely this trash would be a 20 minute movie without the long boring shots of nothing happening.
Full Disclosure (2001)
a reason this was straight to video
Slow, confusing, ridiculous, boring. An utter waste of time. The 5 people who gave this a 10 must have a financial interest in the film. No plot to speak of, no action and you have to buy Penelope Ann Miller, the sweetest actress in the world, as a ruthless killer. I'm sure people will see recognizable names like her, Fred Ward, Christopher Plummer, Virginia Madsen (tiny waste of a role) and think how bad can it be. Trust me, it's bad.
If you wonder where you've seen the female lead, she was in Total Recall and was a guard in Con Air.
Creature (1998)
Benchley rips himself off once again
Does Peter Benchley have no shame ? This garbage is still another attempt to cash in on the one good thing he ever wrote. Just like that other made for TV dreck "The Beast", it's the exact same Jaws formula, minus the originality, acting and brilliant director of course.
Jaws - The Beast - Creature J - mayor doesn't want to scare tourists B - mayor doesn't want to scare tourists C - police chief doesn't want to scare tourists
J - they find a tooth B - they find a claw C - they find a tooth
J - smaller shark is caught and mistaken for real killer B - smaller squid is caught and mistaken for real killer C - smaller shark is caught and mistaken for real killer
J - "cut it open and see what it ate" C - "cut it open and see what it ate"
I could go on but I doubt anyone will ever read this. AND this thing is 4 HOURS LONG ! Just painful.
One more thing - Spielberg was smart enough to cut the silly subplot from Jaws where Hooper has an affair with Brody's wife. Both The Beast and Creature have unconvincing love scenes and family values preaching thrown in to pad the length. I'm convinced Benchley was a mediocre author who simply got lucky one time and then had a brilliant young director turn his hit novel into a movie classic. He's done nothing but cash in on junk for 30 years since.
The Dark Half (1993)
still another fair at best adaptation
not as bad as some of King's, but still not great. I hadn't read the book in years and just finished it a couple weeks ago when voila, The Dark Half shows up on Starz tonight. I think the first mistake was having Hutton play dual roles. This decision totally changes several aspects of the story and adds a "did he really do it" aspect that is NOT part of the book. George Stark is supposed to be this big huge guy who has multiple police forces and the FBI after him. The police chief becomes a believer instead of thinking that Beaumont did the crimes. With Hutton playing both parts you just keep thinking multiple personalities instead of a distinct separate person. The connection of their minds is given less play here as they only communicate when actually on the phone or in person. Hutton did the best he could but still...
Anyway, the book is exceptional, as is The Dead Zone which I also just read. George Romero was probably not the best choice of director, but of course he also wrote the screenplay. Someone with a suspenseful crime background instead of horror would have made a better film. 2/4
Gosford Park (2001)
VASTLY overrated
I'm not a teenager looking for explosions or Adam Sandler, but damn this movie dragged. First try the girlfriend and I both fall asleep. OK, it was late, try again 2 nights later. I make it through, she doesn't. The recreation of a time and lifestyle and the occassional witty banter can't overcome the fact that there are so many characters you don't know who the hell anybody is and you don't really care. It's not a mystery, it's not a comedy, not dramatic. Just another self indulgent exercise by an "actor's director". Gimme some plot, some humor, something...
Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979)
Simply brilliant
The best stand up performance anyone will ever see. Hysterically funny of course, but also incredibly insightful. To call Pryor a comic is doing him an injustice - he's a comedienne, actor, mime, satirist, writer, philosopher. I was in high school when this film was released and must have seen it 5 times the first month it was out. I've watched it another 10 times since and it's still as awesome as ever.
The Shield (2002)
Move over Sopranos - THIS is the best "crime" show on TV
I've seen 7 episodes and I'm hooked. Intense, great plot lines and twists, excellent writing. While The Sopranos turns into a droning, whiny, highly over-rated crap with wandering stories and no continuity this show is tight, fast and never boring. Not for the wimpy, my favorite drama by far.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
fun but also laughably bad
Just silly really. Inane dialogue that had half the house laughing out loud and NOT where Lucas intended. Does anyone know or care about the "plot" ?
God this series misses Hrrison Ford...
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
now THAT'S what I call a movie !!!
I'm 40, have read LOTR 5 times since age 12, most recently a few weeks ago. I've waited 28 years for this film and was prepared to be disappointed. Instead, every sight, scene and sound that I imagined in my mind's eye was far surpassed by this film.
Some characters are missing, some dialogue is dropped - sometimes for no good reason. A scene or two is changed from the book just for the sake of more action. Saruman's motivation is changed, they don't get their elven cloaks, no Barrowwights, etc.
Guess what ? It doesn't matter. In fact, when you realize that 3 hours has flown by and the movie is over you don't worry about what's not in, you worry about how you are gonna wait a year for the next one. No, I take that back. I'm worried about when I can see it again. There was no way to keep everything in without going well over 3 hours - just be glad the studio let them do the full 3.
This is Braveheart, The 12th Warrior, Last of the Mohicans, Excalibur and a couple of monster movies all rolled into one. And PLEASE, see this in the best theater you can find, one with a big screen AND great sound. It needs and deserves the best environment you can find. God, just something simple like the sound of the horses was scary.
A very rare 10 from this viewer.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
effects great, everything else weak
I'd just like to say one thing - the kid Jake Lloyd that plays Anakin is simply a horrible actor. He was so bad that it was painful and detracted from the film. I know he's young, but I have seen dozens of performances by young actors that were excellent. Every line he said made me wince.