Hard to explain this one. A young college professor dabbles in alchemy and creates an "Alpha Stone", which looks like a piece of glowing yellow Kryptonite. He then uses its power to lure woman after woman to his apartment, while his first guinea pig turns from a supposed homosexual to a rampantly straight brother. A lot of the early scenes involve the young man working in his laboratory, interspersed with him arguing with his superiors at the college over his beliefs. Highlights include the aforementioned guinea pig making love to a mannequin, and a woman massaging herself with a vacuum cleaner. Some nudity, but maybe not enough to keep the average viewer awake through this poor effort. Very bizarre.
Reviews
32 Reviews
Virgin High
(1991)
For Linnea Quigley fans
18 July 2006
Richard Gabai has carved a unique niche in the B-movie industry. He not only is a regular player in various films he is a director himself of a handful of DTV features. (Note: the foreknowledge that his mentors/frequent collaborators as an actor are Jim Wynorski, Fred Olen Ray, and David Decoteau helped prepare me for what to expect from one of his own films.)
"Virgin High" is a typical shoestring budget sex comedy, which I'm fairly sure was aired frequently on USA 'Up All Night' in the 90s. I may have even seen some of this film a decade ago, but even now after watching it in its entirety, am unable to pick it out from the homogenous mix of films shown so long ago. The plot concerns a sex-starved teenager (Gabai) trying to gain access to the all-girls school his squeeze has been banished to by her father (Burt Ward). He enlists his dopey friends to (supposedly) help him, his girlfriend must deal with the dorm R.A. (Quigley), and all hilarity ensues.
If you're a fan of Linnea Quigley, then perhaps it's worth watching. She is in much of the movie, including (you guessed it) a few goofy nude scenes where she has phony orgasms during one-sided sex with the school's security guard. Though the reason I watched this movie was for Michelle Bauer's role, which was disappointing. Bauer is in only one short scene that looks like it was written in only because they were able to get Bauer for a day. Burt Ward's role is done mainly for kitsch value; most of his scenes he is either playing with action figures of comic book heroes including (again, you guessed it) a Batman figure, or he is being beset by his S&M dom wife, eventually hitting the ultimate low of being caught wearing a shirt saying "Sex Cowboy" at the finale. A sad state to see one of my childhood influences in.
"Virgin High" is a typical shoestring budget sex comedy, which I'm fairly sure was aired frequently on USA 'Up All Night' in the 90s. I may have even seen some of this film a decade ago, but even now after watching it in its entirety, am unable to pick it out from the homogenous mix of films shown so long ago. The plot concerns a sex-starved teenager (Gabai) trying to gain access to the all-girls school his squeeze has been banished to by her father (Burt Ward). He enlists his dopey friends to (supposedly) help him, his girlfriend must deal with the dorm R.A. (Quigley), and all hilarity ensues.
If you're a fan of Linnea Quigley, then perhaps it's worth watching. She is in much of the movie, including (you guessed it) a few goofy nude scenes where she has phony orgasms during one-sided sex with the school's security guard. Though the reason I watched this movie was for Michelle Bauer's role, which was disappointing. Bauer is in only one short scene that looks like it was written in only because they were able to get Bauer for a day. Burt Ward's role is done mainly for kitsch value; most of his scenes he is either playing with action figures of comic book heroes including (again, you guessed it) a Batman figure, or he is being beset by his S&M dom wife, eventually hitting the ultimate low of being caught wearing a shirt saying "Sex Cowboy" at the finale. A sad state to see one of my childhood influences in.
Singapore Sling
(1999 Video)
Must-see for Rena fans; sadly, you also must endure most of the rest of it
19 April 2006
Rena Riffel gained some notice in the mid-90s, one of the results being her central role in "Scandalous Behavior". This movie could be viewed as an attempt to pass the torch from erotica queen Shannon Tweed to Riffel. It was a relief to see RR in a more fleshed-out (pun intended) character, demonstrating both her singular attractiveness and solid acting. However, as much as I got that warm feeling from watching Rena as the tough yet sympathetic victim, I was just as quickly disillusioned by James Hong's outrageous antics as a scheming foreign businessman.
For those like myself, you probably instantly identify James Hong as the chief villain in "Big Trouble in Little China". 'Lo Pan' was cool, sinister and mysterious, the last guy on earth you'd want to mess with. Not so in this movie. Apparently, being your own director gives one artistic license to put on a culture-clashing cowboy outfit and make a complete fool of yourself on screen. I cringed as Hong cut loose on a dance floor with a group of Texans, interspersed with him laughing like a madman and doing a terrible hillbilly impersonation.
The rest of the movie is about what you expect from the genre. Dumb characters (what was the point of the two henchmen, anyway?), clumsy plot twists (the brother who suddenly cares more for Rena than her own fiancé does), and bad bad acting. Shannon Tweed is looking a bit ragged at this point and doesn't seem to put in as much effort here. Advice: shut the movie off after Shannon and Rena drive off in the car. Trust me you don't want or need to see the last 10 minutes. Not since "Howling: New Moon Rising" have I seen a more contrived use of line-dancing as a plot device.
For those like myself, you probably instantly identify James Hong as the chief villain in "Big Trouble in Little China". 'Lo Pan' was cool, sinister and mysterious, the last guy on earth you'd want to mess with. Not so in this movie. Apparently, being your own director gives one artistic license to put on a culture-clashing cowboy outfit and make a complete fool of yourself on screen. I cringed as Hong cut loose on a dance floor with a group of Texans, interspersed with him laughing like a madman and doing a terrible hillbilly impersonation.
The rest of the movie is about what you expect from the genre. Dumb characters (what was the point of the two henchmen, anyway?), clumsy plot twists (the brother who suddenly cares more for Rena than her own fiancé does), and bad bad acting. Shannon Tweed is looking a bit ragged at this point and doesn't seem to put in as much effort here. Advice: shut the movie off after Shannon and Rena drive off in the car. Trust me you don't want or need to see the last 10 minutes. Not since "Howling: New Moon Rising" have I seen a more contrived use of line-dancing as a plot device.
Terminal Voyage
(1995)
Nihilistic sci-fi
24 February 2006
Quite different in tone from most films produced by Concorde, "Star Quest" follows a group of stranded space explorers towards disorder and self-destruction. There are only a handful of sets as most the scenes take place on the spacecraft, with a few v.r. sequences that - believe it or not - were actually filmed for this movie (unlike other Corman recycle jobs), plus various shots of the craft's exterior thrown in. The acting is also bumped up a bit from the usual B expectations, Emma Samms, Cliff De Young, and Ming-Na being the standouts. Lisa Boyle makes a nice cameo as a v.r. fantasy girl. All in all, a decent sort of extended "Outer Limits" episode with a nihilistic feel and lingering ending.
Future War
(1997 Video)
Oh my
6 February 2006
I have wanted to hunt this down since I saw it on the Bottom 100 a few years ago. I finally found it and could not refuse the temptation. I paid the price for my curiosity. This is one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life.
Where to begin? Well for starters, for a film that has the word "Future" in its title, it sure did have a lot of dinosaurs running around. The 'dinosaurs' were little more than detailed hand puppets, made to look like they were doing battle with the human characters using painful forced perspective shots.
About 20% of the budget must have been spent on cardboard boxes. The entire first fight scene has our hero battling a cyborg (How do we know it's a cyborg? Because of the white makeup that appears on his face most of the time) amongst rows and rows of empty cardboard boxes. They even use the 'empty' boxes as weapons, lobbing them at each other and getting buried under pounds of EMPTY cardboard boxes (Did I mention they're empty?). I also have to mention the cardboard box that didn't make the casting call for the fight sequence, but did serve as a dandy TV camera for the zealous redhead reporter and his cameraman later on.
The only name I recognized in this film was Robert Z'Dar. Let me spell out his role for anyone who is tempted to see this entry in his career. He has no lines at all. He's only in a few scenes, one of them a poor "Terminator" rip-off wherein he takes out a police station, the others being the two fight scenes he has with the hero. And he is sporting a really big (fake) mustache, the sole purpose of which is to make him resemble his fight double who is none other than the cyborg from the aforementioned cardboard box fight.
Above all, this movie is cheap. I don't mean B-movie low budget, I mean cheap. I rented it for 50 cents and feel ripped off. I only wish I had seen the MST3K version of "Future War" instead of the real thing.
Where to begin? Well for starters, for a film that has the word "Future" in its title, it sure did have a lot of dinosaurs running around. The 'dinosaurs' were little more than detailed hand puppets, made to look like they were doing battle with the human characters using painful forced perspective shots.
About 20% of the budget must have been spent on cardboard boxes. The entire first fight scene has our hero battling a cyborg (How do we know it's a cyborg? Because of the white makeup that appears on his face most of the time) amongst rows and rows of empty cardboard boxes. They even use the 'empty' boxes as weapons, lobbing them at each other and getting buried under pounds of EMPTY cardboard boxes (Did I mention they're empty?). I also have to mention the cardboard box that didn't make the casting call for the fight sequence, but did serve as a dandy TV camera for the zealous redhead reporter and his cameraman later on.
The only name I recognized in this film was Robert Z'Dar. Let me spell out his role for anyone who is tempted to see this entry in his career. He has no lines at all. He's only in a few scenes, one of them a poor "Terminator" rip-off wherein he takes out a police station, the others being the two fight scenes he has with the hero. And he is sporting a really big (fake) mustache, the sole purpose of which is to make him resemble his fight double who is none other than the cyborg from the aforementioned cardboard box fight.
Above all, this movie is cheap. I don't mean B-movie low budget, I mean cheap. I rented it for 50 cents and feel ripped off. I only wish I had seen the MST3K version of "Future War" instead of the real thing.
The Demolitionist
(1995)
Cult Horror Actors: the Movie
30 January 2006
Decent B-scifi/actioner with a fast pace and definite comic book sense about it. The most fascinating thing about it is that nearly every single scene has a well-known face from the late 70s/early 80s horror genre. Kurtzman called in a number of favors from actors he had worked make-up on in various films for this one. Nicole Eggert is in top physical form and rather pleasing on the eye as the heroine, and Richard Grieco is gloriously hammy as the villain.
The flaw that really got me was that "The Demolitionist" (a title which is never actually used in the movie to describe the "Lazarus project") had a pair of guns that fired hundreds of rounds per minute, yet the bad guys only got a few wounds even at point-blank range. I suppose if you can get past this minor detail, it's worth a quick viewing.
The flaw that really got me was that "The Demolitionist" (a title which is never actually used in the movie to describe the "Lazarus project") had a pair of guns that fired hundreds of rounds per minute, yet the bad guys only got a few wounds even at point-blank range. I suppose if you can get past this minor detail, it's worth a quick viewing.
Ticker
(2001)
It wasn't always like this.
10 September 2003
Disclaimer: I like Albert Pyun's films. But "Ticker" is awful. I don't know how it could have happened. OK, I suppose I do know how it happened. It was, after all, pretty easy to spot the doubles used for the actors in over half the film, as well as the bad looping accompanying it. The opening stock footage sequence and endless shots of the bomb-disarming (or is that 'device-treating'?) robot in action didn't help the picture any either. This was a low budget effort, only it was a low budget effort made in a terrain unfamiliar to Pyun Los Angeles. Even in a "bad" Pyun film (Omega Doom, Blast, Nemesis 4), there is that familiar Pyun style that makes the experience palatable. But in this case, if it weren't for the appearance of various Pyun players (Weisser, Malcon, Halsey, and a lunchbreak cameo by Ice-T), I would have never been able to tell that "Ticker" was directed by Pyun. There was no thought put into this one whatsoever, it seems. I'm more apt to believe what was implied on the director's commentary, that over-the-hill-and-then-some action guru Steven Seagal had more to do with the production of this movie than Pyun did. Yes, I did listen to the commentary. And if I didn't feel like an hour and a half were stolen from my life beforehand, I felt twice the impact after viewing it with the audio track. My advice to others: if you feel the masochistic desire to see the DVD, and have any interest at all in the commentary, just watch it with the commentary the first time and get it done with. You won't miss a thing from the movie, as minutes nay, entire chapters go by without either of the guys saying a word. I'm not sure why they even bothered with a commentary; it's fairly obvious how this movie was "made".
The Headless Eyes
(1971)
Now I know
22 July 2003
My eyes! AAOOOAAAUUUGGHH! My eyes! That's what I screamed myself after watching this atrocity of a film. No gore, no effects, no acting, no sense. The movie opens with a guy robbing a woman's apartment while she sleeps, and when she wakes up and screams, he tries to silence her by getting on top of her and smothering her mouth and nose. Fortunately she grabs a nearby spoon on the nightstand and slides it along the intruder's temple no wait, she actually penetrates his eye socket with it!?! With his eye popped out and dangling by its nerve, the man stumbles out of the apartment, out the hall, down the fire escape and crawls to a stop in the alley. The entire time howling the ever-looped line "My EYE! My eyyyyyye!" In case you miss him hearing it during this opening credit sequence, don't worry. It's played and replayed every 7 minutes for the rest of the film. During which time we see the main character (who happens to be a failed artist of some sort) finally get his comeuppance by cutting out the eyes of women and "freezing" them in blocks of ice (?) as art.
The highlight scene has to be the news report in front of the apartment of one of the killer's first victims. First of all (as someone else has pointed out), nobody shows the first hint of suspicion about the creepy-looking guy with the eyepatch being at the crime scene where the victim had her eyes cut out. Secondly, since when are funeral services held at a person's apartment building, complete with coffin being carried down the steps into the street? And lastly, you gotta love the reporter's interview of the folks. He asks one woman what she knew about the murdered, and her answer is pricelessly generic. Perplexed at the woman's response, the reporter realizes he has lost track of who the actor with the scripted line is amongst the crowd and openly calls out the improvised line, "I understand one of you knew the victim quite well" to find the proper response. Obviously, whoever it was that had the all-important line for the scene was stuck in traffic when it was filmed, because we don't get any good answer for the poor reporter.
Oh, and about the guy who plays the "eyeball killer". He's a lot of fun to watch. I always wondered what it would be like if a burned-out community theatre director played a C-horror serial killer. Now I know. With hilarious monologues and delicious overacting, he hams up everything beautifully in what can best be described as Shakespeare's "Othello" meets Lustig's "Maniac". From victim to victim to potential admirer to the incredibly lame finale, we know this guy's insane because he keeps rambling to himself that he's "got to finish" something or other. My guess is there's only about 15 copies of this movie left in existence. It needs to get snatched up quick and given the DVD treatment, so that low-budget horror fans everywhere can take it home and give it the MST treatment. It is indeed that bad.
The highlight scene has to be the news report in front of the apartment of one of the killer's first victims. First of all (as someone else has pointed out), nobody shows the first hint of suspicion about the creepy-looking guy with the eyepatch being at the crime scene where the victim had her eyes cut out. Secondly, since when are funeral services held at a person's apartment building, complete with coffin being carried down the steps into the street? And lastly, you gotta love the reporter's interview of the folks. He asks one woman what she knew about the murdered, and her answer is pricelessly generic. Perplexed at the woman's response, the reporter realizes he has lost track of who the actor with the scripted line is amongst the crowd and openly calls out the improvised line, "I understand one of you knew the victim quite well" to find the proper response. Obviously, whoever it was that had the all-important line for the scene was stuck in traffic when it was filmed, because we don't get any good answer for the poor reporter.
Oh, and about the guy who plays the "eyeball killer". He's a lot of fun to watch. I always wondered what it would be like if a burned-out community theatre director played a C-horror serial killer. Now I know. With hilarious monologues and delicious overacting, he hams up everything beautifully in what can best be described as Shakespeare's "Othello" meets Lustig's "Maniac". From victim to victim to potential admirer to the incredibly lame finale, we know this guy's insane because he keeps rambling to himself that he's "got to finish" something or other. My guess is there's only about 15 copies of this movie left in existence. It needs to get snatched up quick and given the DVD treatment, so that low-budget horror fans everywhere can take it home and give it the MST treatment. It is indeed that bad.
Hearts and Armour
(1983)
Awesome fights, chivalrous knights, and gorgeous damsels.
4 March 2003
Most impressive and engrossing Italian sword-and-sorcery film from the early 80s. "Hearts and Armour" has it all. Christian and Moorish warriors who travel the countryside in a valiant quest to kill each other. Barbara De Rossi as the central heroine who inherits an impenetrable suit of armor from a magical spirit. She then grapples with her internal conflict to either kill or fall in love with her enemy, in the traditional romantic tragedy premise. This short wizard guy with an annoying voice and a suit of feathers who tries to warn the star-crossed lovers of their inevitable doom together. Tanya Roberts looking hotter than ever, especially in that blue dress. No wonder even the staunchest celibacy-sworn men fall from honor at the sight of her. Invisibility stones, dirty sexual references, even dirtier fighting tricks. Oh, and about the fights. The fights in this movie are some of the best I've seen. Blood, bodies, and dismemberments abound, and a variety of unique weapons are presented in the final confrontation between the four best warriors of each side. I've especially always sort of wanted to see two men in full medieval armor have a straight fistfight with each other, and thanks to this movie I finally have.
This is again a case where I'm surprised I had never heard of this movie before watching it. It's unfortunately a bit hard to find, and due to the story's Crusade-based action, a DVD release is not likely in the near future. But if you're one who enjoys movies loaded with ye olde chivalrous characters and dialogue (as I do), peppered with the occasional violent swordfight (as I also do), then this is worth tracking down.
This is again a case where I'm surprised I had never heard of this movie before watching it. It's unfortunately a bit hard to find, and due to the story's Crusade-based action, a DVD release is not likely in the near future. But if you're one who enjoys movies loaded with ye olde chivalrous characters and dialogue (as I do), peppered with the occasional violent swordfight (as I also do), then this is worth tracking down.
Nightmare Weekend
(1986)
George Rules!
25 February 2003
The acting in this movie stinks. The plot makes very little sense, but from what I gathered it's supposed to be about this scientist who develops the ability to turn people's personal items into tiny steel balls that then fly into their mouths and turn them into zombies (or blow their heads up, whichever). And the effects are lousy, too. Most of the movie consists of bad music, with the actors dancing equally as badly to the bad music, interspersed with multiple boring sex scenes. This should be one of the worst things ever made, but for one thing. One element of shear brilliance that makes "Nightmare Weekend" stand above all others. And that special quality is the presence of George.
George is the lovable interface device between the scientist's daughter, Jessica, and the home computer security system. With his green hair and nose, balding scalp, and heart-shaped mouth, George is the guardian angel/confidant to Jessica, who asks him for advice on how to meet guys in one of the most dramatic pieces of dialogue ever captured on celluloid. With his monotone synthesized voice, George tells Jessica what percentages of males prefer women in white dresses, and also that hitch-hiking is the third best way to meet guys after discos and bars. Of course, little Jessica just can't seem to stay out of trouble, causing George to execute "Emergency Program Code: Protection Jessica", which results in the violent death of Jessica's would-be assailant via one of the aforementioned steel balls.
Kubrick was an utter fool for thinking he could give a computer personality using closeups of a red light. HAL should have been represented by our friend George in order to better translate compassion for his eventual demise. The light and sound show at the end of "Close Encounters"? Not bad, but how much better would that movie had been if the means of first communication with the aliens had been George the Hand Puppet. Bishop, Data, R2 kitchen appliances next to the Almighty George! He might only be in the movie for 8 minutes out of 90, but don't be fooled. This show is all about George. With even that limited amount of screentime, George joins the ranks of such luminous film characters as Hollywood Montrose, Majai, and Pappy from "New Moon Rising" as icons of American cinema. "George to Apache" you are my hero.
George is the lovable interface device between the scientist's daughter, Jessica, and the home computer security system. With his green hair and nose, balding scalp, and heart-shaped mouth, George is the guardian angel/confidant to Jessica, who asks him for advice on how to meet guys in one of the most dramatic pieces of dialogue ever captured on celluloid. With his monotone synthesized voice, George tells Jessica what percentages of males prefer women in white dresses, and also that hitch-hiking is the third best way to meet guys after discos and bars. Of course, little Jessica just can't seem to stay out of trouble, causing George to execute "Emergency Program Code: Protection Jessica", which results in the violent death of Jessica's would-be assailant via one of the aforementioned steel balls.
Kubrick was an utter fool for thinking he could give a computer personality using closeups of a red light. HAL should have been represented by our friend George in order to better translate compassion for his eventual demise. The light and sound show at the end of "Close Encounters"? Not bad, but how much better would that movie had been if the means of first communication with the aliens had been George the Hand Puppet. Bishop, Data, R2 kitchen appliances next to the Almighty George! He might only be in the movie for 8 minutes out of 90, but don't be fooled. This show is all about George. With even that limited amount of screentime, George joins the ranks of such luminous film characters as Hollywood Montrose, Majai, and Pappy from "New Moon Rising" as icons of American cinema. "George to Apache" you are my hero.
Scalps
(1983)
Low-budget cheese from Fred Olen Ray.
29 January 2003
This masterpiece of cheesy low-budget 80s horror comes to you from the Supreme Schlockmeister Fred Olen Ray. "Scalps" follows the exploits of six dimwitted college students who drive out to the desert to dig for Indian artifacts. One of them gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient shaman, and he proceeds to kill the other five. While the killings are cheap and bloody in their own right, they're spoiled by a precognitive flashback at the beginning which previews them all. A few trippy scares are provided during the first half by frequent sudden cuts to strange figures such as a spirit with the face of a mountain lion, the warrior form of the possessed student, and the head of the shaman played by a hand puppet. The original Superman, Kirk Alyn, makes a cameo as the archaeologist/professor who sends the kids out to the middle of nowhere after he isn't able to go with them for some never-fully-explained reason. Besides the standard bad acting, the movie also features such mindblowing dialogue as the following excerpt:
"We've got to get to the truck." "I'll go find it alone. I'll make better time that way." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'll be alright." "Well take the rifle at least." "No that's OK, I'll be fine. Just wait here for me." Classic.
The great thing about this movie though is how its many night scenes were filmed. Some of the scenes that take place by the campfire look like they were lit solely by the campfire itself. But for the night scenes that aren't by the campfire, they have simply been shot in the minutes immediately before and at dawn. This results in the lighting of some of the 'night' sequences to vary from dim blue lighting to almost daytime brightness - and then immediately back to night. Imagine my surprise when I saw not one but two directors of photography in the end credits.
You can also sleep through the first half of "Scalps" and not miss a thing. At times I thought I was accidentally watching a documentary of America's desert highways, as it takes a good 5 minutes of wordless screentime for the kids to drive to the burial site. Maybe it's the bloody killings, or the truly spooky music, or the decent make-up, or the pleasure of seeing a bearded hippy get the back of his head hacked off, or the nightsky that is bright enough for the characters to actually have shadows. But whatever the exact reason is, "Scalps" is just bad enough to be good. It's a shame it didn't have a sequel as promised by the end credits: "Scalps II: The Return of D.J." (I'm not kidding, that's what it says). 3/10.
"We've got to get to the truck." "I'll go find it alone. I'll make better time that way." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'll be alright." "Well take the rifle at least." "No that's OK, I'll be fine. Just wait here for me." Classic.
The great thing about this movie though is how its many night scenes were filmed. Some of the scenes that take place by the campfire look like they were lit solely by the campfire itself. But for the night scenes that aren't by the campfire, they have simply been shot in the minutes immediately before and at dawn. This results in the lighting of some of the 'night' sequences to vary from dim blue lighting to almost daytime brightness - and then immediately back to night. Imagine my surprise when I saw not one but two directors of photography in the end credits.
You can also sleep through the first half of "Scalps" and not miss a thing. At times I thought I was accidentally watching a documentary of America's desert highways, as it takes a good 5 minutes of wordless screentime for the kids to drive to the burial site. Maybe it's the bloody killings, or the truly spooky music, or the decent make-up, or the pleasure of seeing a bearded hippy get the back of his head hacked off, or the nightsky that is bright enough for the characters to actually have shadows. But whatever the exact reason is, "Scalps" is just bad enough to be good. It's a shame it didn't have a sequel as promised by the end credits: "Scalps II: The Return of D.J." (I'm not kidding, that's what it says). 3/10.
Trespass
(1992)
Walter Hill goes gangsta.
2 December 2002
The main focus of this movie is the set-up of various action sequences, the debating over what to do in the characters' situations, and what Walter Hill has always been especially good at the overall machismo. Most of "Trespass" is a drawn-out standoff between the bad guys in a remote, long-abandoned warehouse and the grossly outnumbered good guys in a tightly-sealed room with the bad leader's brother as a hostage. David Fincher may have wanted to watch this movie and taken notes, since "Panic Room" has got absolutely nothing on this movie. The action begins very quickly and doesn't let up until the fiery, casualty-counting conclusion, making the film's 101min length seem like not even half that. "Trespass" is ripe with Hill's inimitable style and pace, combining with Ry Cooder's score and Lloyd Ahern's sepia-toned cinematography to create a sense of desolation and high tension for the setting.
Add to this an excellent cast of genre and character actors for a very captivating film. Bill Paxton and William Sadler ("Die Hard II") turn in intense performances as the lone protagonists, especially Sadler whose career unfortunately never reached the level it should have. Ice-T is in one of his more effective roles as King James, the gangsta leader. Ice Cube also stands out as the upstart, rebellious follower of James, Savon; his "king of the streets" speech is the monologue highlight of the movie. Art Evans (also from "Die Hard II") is perfect as the wise old angry homeless man, who reluctantly helps out Paxton and Sadler despite their initial treatment of him. And the criminal elements include noticeable performances from De'voreaux White as the unfortunate hostage 'Lucky'; Tiny 'Zeus' Lister Jr. as the musclebound henchman 'Cletus'; and the underused Stoney Jackson as the overly-suave crony 'Wickey'.
This was the last of a string of box office disappointments (including "Johnny Handsome" and "Another 48 Hrs.") that Hollywood allowed Walter Hill to make before relegating him to the role of mainstream hack. "Trespass" was released with little fanfare, having its release date postponed from summertime to after Christmas as a result of the 'crisis' that was the LA riots. Besides its original title of "Looters", "Trespass" also includes the recurring theme of seeing events via videocamera (which would have been a troubling reminder of the Rodney King and Reginald Denny beatings), not to mention a heavy, uncompromising racist slant not too common in modern-day action movies.
Though not Hill's best, it is far from his worst. A must-see for fans of stylized action. 8/10
Add to this an excellent cast of genre and character actors for a very captivating film. Bill Paxton and William Sadler ("Die Hard II") turn in intense performances as the lone protagonists, especially Sadler whose career unfortunately never reached the level it should have. Ice-T is in one of his more effective roles as King James, the gangsta leader. Ice Cube also stands out as the upstart, rebellious follower of James, Savon; his "king of the streets" speech is the monologue highlight of the movie. Art Evans (also from "Die Hard II") is perfect as the wise old angry homeless man, who reluctantly helps out Paxton and Sadler despite their initial treatment of him. And the criminal elements include noticeable performances from De'voreaux White as the unfortunate hostage 'Lucky'; Tiny 'Zeus' Lister Jr. as the musclebound henchman 'Cletus'; and the underused Stoney Jackson as the overly-suave crony 'Wickey'.
This was the last of a string of box office disappointments (including "Johnny Handsome" and "Another 48 Hrs.") that Hollywood allowed Walter Hill to make before relegating him to the role of mainstream hack. "Trespass" was released with little fanfare, having its release date postponed from summertime to after Christmas as a result of the 'crisis' that was the LA riots. Besides its original title of "Looters", "Trespass" also includes the recurring theme of seeing events via videocamera (which would have been a troubling reminder of the Rodney King and Reginald Denny beatings), not to mention a heavy, uncompromising racist slant not too common in modern-day action movies.
Though not Hill's best, it is far from his worst. A must-see for fans of stylized action. 8/10
Rest in Pieces
(1987)
Don't bother.
11 November 2002
And oh, what a waste of time. Weak plot, unscary 'scary' moments, and very little in the way of gore. The collection of characters was the main thing "Rest in Pieces" had going for it: the blind man, the preacher, the doctor, the slutty maid, and so on. But what exactly was going on here? Are these people the thinking, talking, otherwise normal version of the living dead, similar to the much better (and earlier) film "Dead & Buried"? Why do they slaughter the string quartet? Is the doctor a mad scientist who has brought these people back from the dead, just like the old coroner from "Dead & Buried"? Were we supposed to be frightened or laugh at the repeated appearances of the aunt's ghost? Do the resurrected need hypnotism to 'get adjusted' to their new form of existence, just like they do in "Dead & Buried"? I think I'm starting to see a pattern here. ..
There are more stupid parts the preacher with his switchblade and the cars in the garage come to mind. In general this movie was just bad. Now that I think about it, the only reason I wanted to see it was the description on the box made it sound a lot like "Dead Alive" (neighbors...undead...kill, kill, kill). I'm sorry I suckered myself into renting this based on that. Don't bother with this one. Watch instead that other horror movie made a few years before this one that was also about people being brought back from the dead to lead almost-normal lives - oh, what was that one called. . .
There are more stupid parts the preacher with his switchblade and the cars in the garage come to mind. In general this movie was just bad. Now that I think about it, the only reason I wanted to see it was the description on the box made it sound a lot like "Dead Alive" (neighbors...undead...kill, kill, kill). I'm sorry I suckered myself into renting this based on that. Don't bother with this one. Watch instead that other horror movie made a few years before this one that was also about people being brought back from the dead to lead almost-normal lives - oh, what was that one called. . .
Criminally Insane 2
(1987)
Don't Watch This Movie!
7 November 2002
This is the most boring worthless piece of crap I've ever wasted an hour of my life on. All I can say is thank God it was only an hour. Over half of this 'movie' is footage from the original "Criminally Insane". At the very least, I was able to see the highlights from that rare exploitation classic, since for some reality-defying reason my video store only has "Criminally Insane II" (as it had it, "Crazy Fat Ethel II"). But the rest of this movie is some of the absolute worst home-video acting and backyard filmmaking you'll ever see. Why is it my video store has this and not the original? Why does stuff like this actually end up in video stores? Why do people rent it and not immediately burn the copy once they've seen its sheer horror? Why - AAUUGGHH - Why, God, why?
Unless you enjoy seeing annoying fruits eating an entire candy bar in an excruciatingly slow scene, or said fruit getting hung from the stair railing in an even slower scene, or a character getting stabbed sideways (don't ask) multiple times in the back, or brain cell-murdering monologues about giving poisoned tea to one's wife and then complaining that all the talk has made one's own tea go cold, or the mentally-retarded eating fly soup, or just simply want to see Crazy Fat Ethel dancing with a bloody knife in a garden: Don't watch this movie. Repeat: Do NOT watch this movie. Do not rent this movie. If at all possible, do not walk past a shelf in a video store that has a copy of this movie setting on it. You can still be saved, but it is too late for me now. . .
Unless you enjoy seeing annoying fruits eating an entire candy bar in an excruciatingly slow scene, or said fruit getting hung from the stair railing in an even slower scene, or a character getting stabbed sideways (don't ask) multiple times in the back, or brain cell-murdering monologues about giving poisoned tea to one's wife and then complaining that all the talk has made one's own tea go cold, or the mentally-retarded eating fly soup, or just simply want to see Crazy Fat Ethel dancing with a bloody knife in a garden: Don't watch this movie. Repeat: Do NOT watch this movie. Do not rent this movie. If at all possible, do not walk past a shelf in a video store that has a copy of this movie setting on it. You can still be saved, but it is too late for me now. . .
Howling: New Moon Rising
(1995 Video)
Worst Horror Sequel Ever!
30 October 2002
This movie once held a prominent position in the Bottom 100. How it ever got off the list is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Howling: New Moon Rising single-handedly redefines bad low-budget horror movies, and has all the requirements for being the worst horror sequel ever made:
1. No werewolf.
2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.
3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.
4. No werewolf.
5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.
6. Pappy sings.
7. Still no werewolf.
8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.
9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."
10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.
11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.
12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"
13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.
This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10
1. No werewolf.
2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.
3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.
4. No werewolf.
5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.
6. Pappy sings.
7. Still no werewolf.
8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.
9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."
10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.
11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.
12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"
13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.
This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10
The Pornographer
(1999)
Very Good indie that deserves more notice.
18 October 2002
I first checked out "The Pornographer" because it starred my favorite B-movie actress, Monique Parent. First, I was surprised to see that Craig Wasson was also in it. Then, I was surprised to see that the acting all around was quite good. Finally, I was further surprised that this movie was actually very dark, serious, and thought-provoking, and wondered why it was I had never heard about it before.
Michael DeGood is quite good as the socially weak, sniveling protagonist Paul whose characteristics as such help explain his terrible luck with women. Craig Wasson turns in his best performance in years as Spano, the suave, cold and calculating porn producer. Newcomer Katheryn Cain is extra sweet and innocent, I hopefully look forward to seeing her in more movies in the near future. And of course, Monique Parent is beautiful as always and terrific in her role as the temptress pornstar turned renegade producer. I like seeing Parent in film festival-type stuff, and I hope to see her in more movies like "The Pornographer" (she's actually done several such films, though only a few have been picked up for distribution).
Most of the first act is devoted to analyis of the central character, as we see Paul trying to procur a date, failing everytime, and eventually asking out the hooker whom he regularly employs the services of. The sequence of him accidentally asking out a 15y/o girl is particularly gripping, as we are not sure if he realizes the girl's age, or actually has pedophilic tendencies (or, perhaps we are witnessing the unintended origins of such tendencies). Another scene that stands out for me is when he visits the private booth and talks via phone to the stripper behind the glass. I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in "Taxi Driver" when Travis tries to get Betsy to go on another date with him, but similarly gets turned down.
So Paul, feeling utterly hopeless and dull in life, tries his hand at the subject he is most familiar with: pornography. He turns out to be somewhat of a natural at it, and is immediately taken under the wing of Spano (Wasson), who offers to give Paul the opportunity to make some 'real' videos (i.e. - with actors, not hookers). If, however, Paul can find a 'pure girl'. A chance accident leads Paul to meet such a girl - Kate (Cain). But Paul fails at getting close to her, of course, and instead of meeting Spano's challenge, Paul opts for the quicker, easier route of making lesser quality videos for Charise (Parent). However, she soon turns out to be simply using Paul for her own personal gain, and so he finds himself back to Spano and his challenge to Paul. Ultimately, we come to the best scene of the movie - Paul's on-camera seduction of Kate. This scene is done with such intensity and a sinister sense of innocence being lost that you can't help but hope Paul turns his life around to develop his relationship with Kate rather than ruthlessly use her as his ticket to success.
With just this one film, writer/director Doug Atchison has proven himself more talented than so many other independent directors who are mass-worshiped after only doing one picture. His strength is definitely in his writing, as he presents us with a fully-dimensional main character that we simultaneously feel pity for and disgust towards. I believe Atchison does justice to portraying today's porn industry in all its cold reality, where people are exploited and in turn exploit others, and those who can't handle it (i.e. - the heroin-addicted fallen starlet) are literally left on the curb. Also, for a movie about pornography, there is little nudity - a sign of a skilled filmmaker. Atchison was probably hindered by a limited budget in showing off very much directing-wise here. However, the almost Cassavetes-like documentary style works for this particular movie. He shows shades of influence from Scorsese as well.
The only major flaw I had with this movie was the somewhat slapstick ending, although it still serves to transmit the message of individuals getting forced into a dead-end situation - in this case, the porn industry. The final shot is truly haunting though, and quickly makes you overlook the slightly contrived ending. Besides, I can name over a dozen other great and heralded independent films with utterly ridiculous attempts at a brilliant and all-satisfying finale. "The Pornographer" is just about as good as they come, and I hope to see more projects by Atchison in the future. 9/10.
Michael DeGood is quite good as the socially weak, sniveling protagonist Paul whose characteristics as such help explain his terrible luck with women. Craig Wasson turns in his best performance in years as Spano, the suave, cold and calculating porn producer. Newcomer Katheryn Cain is extra sweet and innocent, I hopefully look forward to seeing her in more movies in the near future. And of course, Monique Parent is beautiful as always and terrific in her role as the temptress pornstar turned renegade producer. I like seeing Parent in film festival-type stuff, and I hope to see her in more movies like "The Pornographer" (she's actually done several such films, though only a few have been picked up for distribution).
Most of the first act is devoted to analyis of the central character, as we see Paul trying to procur a date, failing everytime, and eventually asking out the hooker whom he regularly employs the services of. The sequence of him accidentally asking out a 15y/o girl is particularly gripping, as we are not sure if he realizes the girl's age, or actually has pedophilic tendencies (or, perhaps we are witnessing the unintended origins of such tendencies). Another scene that stands out for me is when he visits the private booth and talks via phone to the stripper behind the glass. I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in "Taxi Driver" when Travis tries to get Betsy to go on another date with him, but similarly gets turned down.
So Paul, feeling utterly hopeless and dull in life, tries his hand at the subject he is most familiar with: pornography. He turns out to be somewhat of a natural at it, and is immediately taken under the wing of Spano (Wasson), who offers to give Paul the opportunity to make some 'real' videos (i.e. - with actors, not hookers). If, however, Paul can find a 'pure girl'. A chance accident leads Paul to meet such a girl - Kate (Cain). But Paul fails at getting close to her, of course, and instead of meeting Spano's challenge, Paul opts for the quicker, easier route of making lesser quality videos for Charise (Parent). However, she soon turns out to be simply using Paul for her own personal gain, and so he finds himself back to Spano and his challenge to Paul. Ultimately, we come to the best scene of the movie - Paul's on-camera seduction of Kate. This scene is done with such intensity and a sinister sense of innocence being lost that you can't help but hope Paul turns his life around to develop his relationship with Kate rather than ruthlessly use her as his ticket to success.
With just this one film, writer/director Doug Atchison has proven himself more talented than so many other independent directors who are mass-worshiped after only doing one picture. His strength is definitely in his writing, as he presents us with a fully-dimensional main character that we simultaneously feel pity for and disgust towards. I believe Atchison does justice to portraying today's porn industry in all its cold reality, where people are exploited and in turn exploit others, and those who can't handle it (i.e. - the heroin-addicted fallen starlet) are literally left on the curb. Also, for a movie about pornography, there is little nudity - a sign of a skilled filmmaker. Atchison was probably hindered by a limited budget in showing off very much directing-wise here. However, the almost Cassavetes-like documentary style works for this particular movie. He shows shades of influence from Scorsese as well.
The only major flaw I had with this movie was the somewhat slapstick ending, although it still serves to transmit the message of individuals getting forced into a dead-end situation - in this case, the porn industry. The final shot is truly haunting though, and quickly makes you overlook the slightly contrived ending. Besides, I can name over a dozen other great and heralded independent films with utterly ridiculous attempts at a brilliant and all-satisfying finale. "The Pornographer" is just about as good as they come, and I hope to see more projects by Atchison in the future. 9/10.
Cloak & Dagger
(1984)
Jack Flack always escapes!
30 September 2002
It's movies like this one that are the reason I love movies. One of the greatest forgotten gems of the 80s, "Cloak & Dagger" is the exciting tale of deadly spies, imaginary superheroes, and ATARI. Henry Thomas ("E.T.") plays Davey Osborne, a lonely boy who has escaped into the fantasy world of his favorite video game hero - Jack Flack. Dabney Coleman gives the greatest performance of his career in the dual roles of Jack Flack and Davey's father. Sporting the coolest-looking leather bomber jacket and beret ever seen, Flack guides young Davey through the treacherous world of real spies, real secrets, and real bullets. Davey must keep an ATARI game cartridge containing plans for an invisible bomber plane encoded inside of it out of traitorous spies' hands, but no adult believes him, and he gets little help from the only person who does - his even younger friend Kim. A young William Forsythe co-stars as the gaming genius who unlocks the code within the cartridge. And Louis Anderson also has a short cameo towards the end.
"Cloak & Dagger" is an excellent movie about a boy who must face the dangers of the world all by himself following the death of his mother and his father's preoccupation with work. Dabney Coleman's character of Jack Flack is the best imaginary mentor ever featured in a film, preceding the likes of Tyler Durden and Frank the Bunny by over 15 years. The ending is truly touching and inspiring. This movie also has a heartwarming message to it - that at some point, you must learn to handle life's challenges all by yourself. And also that the greatest heroes exist in real life, not in fantasy. "Cloak & Dagger" is a film suitable for the whole family whose time has finally come to get the recognition it deserves. 10/10
"Cloak & Dagger" is an excellent movie about a boy who must face the dangers of the world all by himself following the death of his mother and his father's preoccupation with work. Dabney Coleman's character of Jack Flack is the best imaginary mentor ever featured in a film, preceding the likes of Tyler Durden and Frank the Bunny by over 15 years. The ending is truly touching and inspiring. This movie also has a heartwarming message to it - that at some point, you must learn to handle life's challenges all by yourself. And also that the greatest heroes exist in real life, not in fantasy. "Cloak & Dagger" is a film suitable for the whole family whose time has finally come to get the recognition it deserves. 10/10
One of my favorite zombie movies!
25 September 2002
Wow! This movie is awesome. I love it. "Burial Ground" is over an hour of the best non-stop zombie action I've ever seen. There's a brief attack at the very beginning on some professor, a few obligatory sex scenes in which we meet the main characters, and then before you know it, the zombies are attacking in full force. No explanation is given for the zombies, but none is needed. This movie is all about the gore effects. The zombies are very cool-looking, and I especially liked the repeated skull-crushing effect done to them. These zombies are tough too, able to throw knives, use a battering ram, and even operate power tools. I'd sure hate to go up against a horde of the undead with that level of technical ability. Fortunately, unlike many other characters in zombie movies, the good guys here aren't stupid. They know to go for the head and do so every time.
The whole subplot of the Oedipal son played by a midget is a bit creepy and ends very gruesomely, but I didn't let that distract me from the real focus. "Burial Ground" obviously borrows from "Zombi", even having the same make-up/effects artists from the Fulci classic. However, I must say I liked "Burial Ground" more than "Zombi". Faster pacing (I barely noticed the 90 minute run time), more zombie for your buck, and creepier setting in the abandoned mansion and nearby abbey. 9/10
The whole subplot of the Oedipal son played by a midget is a bit creepy and ends very gruesomely, but I didn't let that distract me from the real focus. "Burial Ground" obviously borrows from "Zombi", even having the same make-up/effects artists from the Fulci classic. However, I must say I liked "Burial Ground" more than "Zombi". Faster pacing (I barely noticed the 90 minute run time), more zombie for your buck, and creepier setting in the abandoned mansion and nearby abbey. 9/10
The Dark
(1993)
Not bad.
12 September 2002
I sought out to see the handful of entries into the horror genre achieved by the late, great Brion James, which led me to check out "The Dark". It turned out to be an adequate late-night movie, owing a lot to the creature features from the 50s. The concept of the monster in this film is original and intriguing, and the thing itself is actually scary-looking, too. The triple conflict between the monster, the hero scientist who wants to preserve it, and the vengeful cop who wants to kill it adds to the story's effectiveness. A few contrivances and assumptions are forced on the viewer towards the start of the movie, especially how the hero survives his encounter with the creature in the opening sequence, and his initial 'adventure' with the waitress-cum-reluctant-sidekick, subsequently followed by their proper introduction at a nearby motel. But it's all worth it once the characters reach the cemetery under which the monster dwells. Most of the action takes place in a single night, which is always a plus for horror. And the whole picture has a very nice, um, 'dark' atmosphere to it.
I was surprised to see Neve Campbell's name appear in the opening credits, and although I was never a particular fan of her, she turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise in "The Dark". Brion James is excellent as the ruthless former detective hellbent on revenge against the creature at any cost. And Stephen MacHattie plays up his undeniable resemblance to Lance Henriksen by doing his best to act like LH, too. Worth watching as a late night rental. Though it never spawned a sequel, it probably deserved to, and I like to think it could still happen. Especially if they can get Neve to be in it! 5/10
I was surprised to see Neve Campbell's name appear in the opening credits, and although I was never a particular fan of her, she turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise in "The Dark". Brion James is excellent as the ruthless former detective hellbent on revenge against the creature at any cost. And Stephen MacHattie plays up his undeniable resemblance to Lance Henriksen by doing his best to act like LH, too. Worth watching as a late night rental. Though it never spawned a sequel, it probably deserved to, and I like to think it could still happen. Especially if they can get Neve to be in it! 5/10
Radioactive Dreams
(1984)
These guys are a couple of big-time dicks!
12 September 2002
Having only been previously exposed to Albert Pyun's 90s-era direct-to-video low-budget action garbage, I picked up "Radioactive Dream" expecting a futuristic crapfest like "Nemesis" or "Omega Doom". I was surprised to discover this movie is not only original, but extremely funny and entertaining.
Michael Dudikoff (in an effectively humorous role the same year he kicked off his B-action career with "American Ninja") and John Stockwell ("Christine", "My Science Project", and now a director of motion pictures) play Marlowe Chandler and Phillip Hammer - a couple of real dicks! Having been raised on 50s pulp detective novels (hence their names) while confined to an underground bomb shelter, they emerge 15 years after a nuclear war has turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. All these guys want is dames and to become the world's biggest private dicks. The first person they meet is a revolutionary rebel by the name of Miles Archer (Lisa Blount, who I also remember from another of my favorite guilty-pleasure 80s flicks, "Nightflyers", as well as "Blind Fury" and "Prince of Darkness"). Purely by accident, our two heroes end up in possession of the two keys that can launch the last nuclear missile in existence, and when this fact is discovered after they reach the last outpost of civilization - Edge City - they find themselves on the run from every mutant gang in town.
This movie's pluses include a colorful variety of characters, many based on specific stereotypes from different eras (pulp detectives, disco mutants, greasers) as well as cannibals and giant rats; general goofiness in both the action sequences and the heroes' trying to get acquainted to the changed world; a most excellent 80s soundtrack; and George Kennedy to boot. As expected, the movie is a comedic satire for most of the first hour, but then suddenly turns serious in the last 20 minutes. But this movie does end with the coolest two-man song and dance number ever.
In short, don't let the Pyun credit fool you. "Radioactive Dreams" is a good rental for those who wish to see something completely different. (Especially suggest a double billing of this with "Six-String Samurai") 7/10
Michael Dudikoff (in an effectively humorous role the same year he kicked off his B-action career with "American Ninja") and John Stockwell ("Christine", "My Science Project", and now a director of motion pictures) play Marlowe Chandler and Phillip Hammer - a couple of real dicks! Having been raised on 50s pulp detective novels (hence their names) while confined to an underground bomb shelter, they emerge 15 years after a nuclear war has turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. All these guys want is dames and to become the world's biggest private dicks. The first person they meet is a revolutionary rebel by the name of Miles Archer (Lisa Blount, who I also remember from another of my favorite guilty-pleasure 80s flicks, "Nightflyers", as well as "Blind Fury" and "Prince of Darkness"). Purely by accident, our two heroes end up in possession of the two keys that can launch the last nuclear missile in existence, and when this fact is discovered after they reach the last outpost of civilization - Edge City - they find themselves on the run from every mutant gang in town.
This movie's pluses include a colorful variety of characters, many based on specific stereotypes from different eras (pulp detectives, disco mutants, greasers) as well as cannibals and giant rats; general goofiness in both the action sequences and the heroes' trying to get acquainted to the changed world; a most excellent 80s soundtrack; and George Kennedy to boot. As expected, the movie is a comedic satire for most of the first hour, but then suddenly turns serious in the last 20 minutes. But this movie does end with the coolest two-man song and dance number ever.
In short, don't let the Pyun credit fool you. "Radioactive Dreams" is a good rental for those who wish to see something completely different. (Especially suggest a double billing of this with "Six-String Samurai") 7/10
Blast
(1997)
Typical serving from Pyun
30 July 2002
With "Blast", Albert Pyun presents us with his B-movie version of the "Die Hard" scenario. Aside from the stop-motion fighting sequences and familiar plot elements - even down to the hero's ex-wife being the terrorist's last hostage - the movie also featured deflated performances from Andrew Divoff and Rutger Hauer. Even as the leader of the terrorists, Divoff is given very little to say and even less to do. Walking fast and tough down hallways seems to be his character's primary ability. And what was with Hauer's legs having been blown off? Wow - not since Gary Sinise in "Forrest Gump" have I seen such a convincing leg amputee.
Tim Thomerson looked like he was trying his best to be invisible in his role as the police chief who only appears on a single set. And if you've got a keen eye, you can spot pre-American Pie and pre-implants Shannon Elizabeth as one of the swimteam hostages. Other than that, a couple bad computer animated explosions, bad guys who have the hero at point-blank range yet still wait for him to escape to the other side of a locked door, a seemingly unkillable hero, and not-so-subtle characterisations make "Blast" another serving from Pyun that one should definitely miss.
Tim Thomerson looked like he was trying his best to be invisible in his role as the police chief who only appears on a single set. And if you've got a keen eye, you can spot pre-American Pie and pre-implants Shannon Elizabeth as one of the swimteam hostages. Other than that, a couple bad computer animated explosions, bad guys who have the hero at point-blank range yet still wait for him to escape to the other side of a locked door, a seemingly unkillable hero, and not-so-subtle characterisations make "Blast" another serving from Pyun that one should definitely miss.
Hellroller
(1992 Video)
My search is finally over!
29 July 2002
Warning: Spoilers
***SLIGHT SPOILERS*** For the better part of two years now, I have been hunting for the worst horror movie ever made. First, I thought it was "The Crawlers" (aka "Troll 3"). Then, I though it was "Horror House on Highway Five", which left "The Crawlers" in the dust in terms of sheer badness. But now I have seen the light, and I recognize the fact that the Absolute Worst Horror Movie Ever Made is "Hellroller".
First of all, I'm stumped as to what this thing was actually shot on. It's not film, but it doesn't look like video either. All of the visual effects anybody can do with a standard camcorder and home computer film editor. And it's chock-full of bad blaxploitation-style editing, where it's painfully obvious that a scene was shot at two or more completely different times, and the actors are not in the same place from one shot to the next.
The movie itself is about a wheelchair-bound homeless maniac with a bad twitch who wants to get revenge on the 'beautiful people'. I'm all but convinced that most of the cast was played by actual bums and prostitutes, which explains why some of the acting seems actually to be good because the people are just playing themselves. The murder scenes are nothing but laughable, the best being when the 'Hellroller' rams a blunt stick straight through two prostitutes' chests. The opening scene involves a flashback to the Hellroller's childhood when his crackwhore mother gets raped and killed by Siamese twin rednecks (you can probably guess how the twins' 'effect' was done). On top of that, the rest of the movie is supposed to be 20 or so years after that, but the Siamese rednecks are still alive and are servants to another character called 'The King of Bums'. The same actor who plays 'The King of Bums' also plays a mad doctor whom the Hellroller hires to invent a potion that turns ordinary people into bums (I swear I'm not making this up). Hellroller then somehow poisons LA's entire bottled water supply (not tap water, only bottled water because that is what the rich people drink), upon which everyone - even the newsanchors at KRAP 69 - amazingly transform into bums. On top of all this, the movie also includes two extended mindless scenes of a woman (Michelle Bauer) doing aerobics and another woman dancing alone in her room, apparently added in order to push the movie's length past the one hour mark.
But that's it. Right here and right now, I announce that my search for the worst horror movie ever made is over, because it is "Hellroller". There still might be a worse movie than this one somewhere out there, but I don't think I have the will to find it, or even to watch it. I'm afraid that if I ever see a movie worse than "Hellroller", it would cause me to lose all the rest of my faith in humanity.
First of all, I'm stumped as to what this thing was actually shot on. It's not film, but it doesn't look like video either. All of the visual effects anybody can do with a standard camcorder and home computer film editor. And it's chock-full of bad blaxploitation-style editing, where it's painfully obvious that a scene was shot at two or more completely different times, and the actors are not in the same place from one shot to the next.
The movie itself is about a wheelchair-bound homeless maniac with a bad twitch who wants to get revenge on the 'beautiful people'. I'm all but convinced that most of the cast was played by actual bums and prostitutes, which explains why some of the acting seems actually to be good because the people are just playing themselves. The murder scenes are nothing but laughable, the best being when the 'Hellroller' rams a blunt stick straight through two prostitutes' chests. The opening scene involves a flashback to the Hellroller's childhood when his crackwhore mother gets raped and killed by Siamese twin rednecks (you can probably guess how the twins' 'effect' was done). On top of that, the rest of the movie is supposed to be 20 or so years after that, but the Siamese rednecks are still alive and are servants to another character called 'The King of Bums'. The same actor who plays 'The King of Bums' also plays a mad doctor whom the Hellroller hires to invent a potion that turns ordinary people into bums (I swear I'm not making this up). Hellroller then somehow poisons LA's entire bottled water supply (not tap water, only bottled water because that is what the rich people drink), upon which everyone - even the newsanchors at KRAP 69 - amazingly transform into bums. On top of all this, the movie also includes two extended mindless scenes of a woman (Michelle Bauer) doing aerobics and another woman dancing alone in her room, apparently added in order to push the movie's length past the one hour mark.
But that's it. Right here and right now, I announce that my search for the worst horror movie ever made is over, because it is "Hellroller". There still might be a worse movie than this one somewhere out there, but I don't think I have the will to find it, or even to watch it. I'm afraid that if I ever see a movie worse than "Hellroller", it would cause me to lose all the rest of my faith in humanity.
Static
(1985)
A must-see for indie fans everywhere
10 July 2002
"Static" is the rarest of gems. I am glad Mark Romanek went on to make my alltime favorite music video (Nine Inch Nails' 'closer'), because had he not amazed me with that video, I probably would never have been interested in seeing "Static". When I finally did see this film, I was even more amazed at how great it truly turned out to be, and wondered why it was that I had to discover the film all by myself rather than it being directly recommended to me.
The story and directing is very captivating, as I soon found myself intently watching every second of the film to see what was going to happen next. Keith Gordon (who co-wrote the script with Romanek) was dead-on in his portrayal of Ernie Blick, an out-of-place young man in small town America with an obsession over his new 'invention'. It also took "Static" to turn me into an Amanda Plummer fan.
The movie's soundtrack alone is entertaining. No wonder Romanek went on to a career in music videos as he obviously has a wide knowledge of music. I mean, what can you say about a soundtrack that effectively includes songs from both The The and Elvis?
I can't help but believe that "Static" is one of the roots of today's massive independent film movement. All of the key elements to current popular indies can be found in "Static": limited budget, dark humor, a disturbed main character, psychologically-driven drama. The film's ending is original and surprising even by the standards of the modern 'twist-in-the-end' craze. What made me appreciate "Static" that much more is that it still didn't sit you down and spell everything out for you at the end with a narrated flashback montage (like too many movies do). Instead, it's up to you to figure all out yourself.
If you are a fan of today's popular independent films - especially Pi, Memento, or Donnie Darko - then please do yourself a favor and take a timewarp back to '85 to find out where these films originated from. See "Static".
The story and directing is very captivating, as I soon found myself intently watching every second of the film to see what was going to happen next. Keith Gordon (who co-wrote the script with Romanek) was dead-on in his portrayal of Ernie Blick, an out-of-place young man in small town America with an obsession over his new 'invention'. It also took "Static" to turn me into an Amanda Plummer fan.
The movie's soundtrack alone is entertaining. No wonder Romanek went on to a career in music videos as he obviously has a wide knowledge of music. I mean, what can you say about a soundtrack that effectively includes songs from both The The and Elvis?
I can't help but believe that "Static" is one of the roots of today's massive independent film movement. All of the key elements to current popular indies can be found in "Static": limited budget, dark humor, a disturbed main character, psychologically-driven drama. The film's ending is original and surprising even by the standards of the modern 'twist-in-the-end' craze. What made me appreciate "Static" that much more is that it still didn't sit you down and spell everything out for you at the end with a narrated flashback montage (like too many movies do). Instead, it's up to you to figure all out yourself.
If you are a fan of today's popular independent films - especially Pi, Memento, or Donnie Darko - then please do yourself a favor and take a timewarp back to '85 to find out where these films originated from. See "Static".
The Chilling
(1989)
Perfect trash
20 May 2002
When I decided to try watching a movie about cryogenic zombies ("cryonoids"), I wasn't expecting a whole lot. That's exactly what I got, and then even less. Aside from a shortage of special effects (squibs?) and a severe lack of any acting talent, "The Chilling" also sports the absolute worst script I've ever seen made into a movie. I had to stop the tape numerous times during the first 45 minutes in order to repair the damage done to my intellect for witnessing such atrocious dialogue as there is found here.
Furthermore, the collection of characters is so formulaic and one-dimensional it's ridiculous: the corrupt doctor; his assistant, played by Linda Blair (we know she's his "assistant" because he repeatedly refers to her by that title); the recently-widowed businessman with a heart of gold who develops a romantic interest with Blair's character; his criminal son; the Blair character's alcoholic, abusive, unemployed boyfriend, whom we are introduced to in the most contrived use of a flashback; and, of course, the rough, tough, bearded security guard who becomes the hero.
Apparently, the preserving fluid which some cryogenics lab uses on its bodies is highly conductive, naturally resulting in disaster when all of the lab's containers end up outdoors in a remarkable sequence of events during a lightning storm (on Halloween night, no less). As for the zombies themselves, if you enjoy watching people in green latex masks walking around in aluminum foil suits, then "The Chilling" is the movie for you. The zombie action is very weak at its best; the zombies' primary killing method seems to be grabbing people by the shoulders and shaking them to death. The businessman and the security guard do most of the zombie fighting, including a highly suspenseful scene of re-freezing the undead with liquid nitrogen. Let me tell you, the steel mill scene in "T2" has got nothing on "The Chilling" in portraying an enemy getting frozen in his tracks like that.
How Linda Blair ended up stuck in the middle of this piece of dreck is indeed a mystery. True, her career didn't exactly skyrocket during the 80s (sadly), but this movie is an embarrassment for her. The script doesn't even have the decency to put her to any good use. The most that her character is given to do is shriek out things like "Here they come", "Do something", "Hurry!". The only thing I can figure is that poor Linda was compensated for her work on this film in rations of food. The hero is played by Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty. In this picture, he faces stiff acting competition from his beard and the security dog, and he does his best to outperform them both.
The only frightening part of "The Chilling" is the introduction which brings up the factual elements of cryogenics and suggests that "the film you are about to see could happen in your own community". As I was counting the number of times a few of the names are repeated in the closing credits, I was floored to suddenly see Lucasfilm get credited. Fortunately, it was only for the movie's sound production. 1/10.
Furthermore, the collection of characters is so formulaic and one-dimensional it's ridiculous: the corrupt doctor; his assistant, played by Linda Blair (we know she's his "assistant" because he repeatedly refers to her by that title); the recently-widowed businessman with a heart of gold who develops a romantic interest with Blair's character; his criminal son; the Blair character's alcoholic, abusive, unemployed boyfriend, whom we are introduced to in the most contrived use of a flashback; and, of course, the rough, tough, bearded security guard who becomes the hero.
Apparently, the preserving fluid which some cryogenics lab uses on its bodies is highly conductive, naturally resulting in disaster when all of the lab's containers end up outdoors in a remarkable sequence of events during a lightning storm (on Halloween night, no less). As for the zombies themselves, if you enjoy watching people in green latex masks walking around in aluminum foil suits, then "The Chilling" is the movie for you. The zombie action is very weak at its best; the zombies' primary killing method seems to be grabbing people by the shoulders and shaking them to death. The businessman and the security guard do most of the zombie fighting, including a highly suspenseful scene of re-freezing the undead with liquid nitrogen. Let me tell you, the steel mill scene in "T2" has got nothing on "The Chilling" in portraying an enemy getting frozen in his tracks like that.
How Linda Blair ended up stuck in the middle of this piece of dreck is indeed a mystery. True, her career didn't exactly skyrocket during the 80s (sadly), but this movie is an embarrassment for her. The script doesn't even have the decency to put her to any good use. The most that her character is given to do is shriek out things like "Here they come", "Do something", "Hurry!". The only thing I can figure is that poor Linda was compensated for her work on this film in rations of food. The hero is played by Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty. In this picture, he faces stiff acting competition from his beard and the security dog, and he does his best to outperform them both.
The only frightening part of "The Chilling" is the introduction which brings up the factual elements of cryogenics and suggests that "the film you are about to see could happen in your own community". As I was counting the number of times a few of the names are repeated in the closing credits, I was floored to suddenly see Lucasfilm get credited. Fortunately, it was only for the movie's sound production. 1/10.
Foolish
(1999)
Foolish indeed
3 May 2002
"Foolish" is another addition to that subgenre of film that is tangible proof that if you're famous enough in any other area besides films, you can still make your own film. Master P and Eddie Griffin combine their celebrity sway into writing, acting, producing, and improvising an entire feature-length picture. The result is a poorly-written, poorly-acted, and tragically unfunny comedy about two brothers who are trying to make it to "the big time" in a supposedly oppressive and controlling world.
Among the favors called in by these two stars for this movie are a supporting cast of actors who could otherwise have been brought together to make a perfectly acceptable, direct to video, fluffy action/comedy: Andrew Dice Clay, Jonathan Banks, Sven Ole Thorsen, Traci Bingham, and even the late great Brion James. However, even their presences are wasted in favor of random footage of standup acts from Griffin as well as several of his fellow comedians. Music video director David Meyers makes his motion picture debut stitching together this unorganized sequence of scenes into a cohesive storyline. And the closing credits serve the dual purpose of showcasing songs from not one, not two, not three, but four separate artists from P's record label.
Master P read a book on screen writing and used everything he learned to put his script together. He even remembered to actually introduce the grandmother character a full 10 minutes before inexplicably having her die, and thus leading to Griffin's character's dramatic spiral into a drunken depression. And P made sure the script left plenty of scenes open for Griffin's standup routines, attractive women to appear in the nude, the characters to discuss their lives while driving in a car, and Griffin's standup routines. The end of the movie has something to do with "blue light".
Among the favors called in by these two stars for this movie are a supporting cast of actors who could otherwise have been brought together to make a perfectly acceptable, direct to video, fluffy action/comedy: Andrew Dice Clay, Jonathan Banks, Sven Ole Thorsen, Traci Bingham, and even the late great Brion James. However, even their presences are wasted in favor of random footage of standup acts from Griffin as well as several of his fellow comedians. Music video director David Meyers makes his motion picture debut stitching together this unorganized sequence of scenes into a cohesive storyline. And the closing credits serve the dual purpose of showcasing songs from not one, not two, not three, but four separate artists from P's record label.
Master P read a book on screen writing and used everything he learned to put his script together. He even remembered to actually introduce the grandmother character a full 10 minutes before inexplicably having her die, and thus leading to Griffin's character's dramatic spiral into a drunken depression. And P made sure the script left plenty of scenes open for Griffin's standup routines, attractive women to appear in the nude, the characters to discuss their lives while driving in a car, and Griffin's standup routines. The end of the movie has something to do with "blue light".
Tell Your Friends