Colonials (2023) User Reviews

The Postman Pat of Science Fiction.

[bencrea · 1/10 · 13 May 2023]

It only takes a few minutes to realise this film is more inline with an episode of Jabberjaw than actual science fiction. The virtual sets and ridiculously annoying cast are as wooden as postman pat or thomas the tank engine. The out of focus camera work on their green screen bedroom set seems like it has more to do with zoom abuse in post production but I don't really care what the actual reason for that is, it's just unwatchable crapola.

The desperate vibe from the cast makes me think they thought this was going to be a real film once it all came together, they give off a cheesy vibe like they're actually thinking their lines are hitting just right. I guess they are if you enjoy the feeling of extreme cringe.

Giving this 1 star is a wild assumption it even deserves a rating at all, I'm writing this review more as a warning to anyone wondering if this is worth watching. Just to be very upfront if you misunderstood my past words, it's not worth 2 seconds of your life.

It has absolutely no redeeming qualities

[dereksims-88557 · 1/10 · 13 May 2023]

Wow, this is possibly the worst movie I've seen in the last decade. It really is jaw droppingly awful.

The special effects are hilarious and look like they've been created by a 9 year old using a Commodore Amiga.

Acting is delivered with all the charisma but none of the warmth of a piece of structural timber.

Soundtrack is abysmal and fits the movie in the same way a pair of gloves would fit a fish.

I genuinely cannot believe that anyone thought this was a good idea and then after seeing the abomination they had created, decided to put it out for public consumption.

Even Asylum would be ashamed to create something this bad and they have a spectacular back catalogue of dreadful movies.

Is there a place for this movie? Yes, most definitely....it's called the bin.

If IMDB allowed 0 stars or negative score, this surely would get it

[link-28366 · 1/10 · 12 May 2023]

Got to say this is probably one of the worse CGI intensive movies i've ever seen, wonder how much money was dumped into this garbage they call a movie.

The story is sucky, actor just don't have any skills mostly by the exception of a few supporting cast that acted better than the main cast, oooof right there.

Furthermore, when you use so much CGI, why bother making it a movie with real humans in it? Might as well just make a 3D CGI movie with way more flexibility for everything all around, rather than trying to make a lame movie that attempt to pull nearly 85% of it's content on CGI.

I feel sorry for the whoever had to create this monstrosity of CGI intensive pile of garbage, hopefully they got paid well enough so they never have to work with these people ever again.

This was just downright terrible...

[paul_haakonsen · 1/10 · 12 May 2023]

Right, well the poster/cover for the 2023 sci-fi movie "Colonials" definitely seemed interesting, plus the movie's synopsis also seemed interesting. And that was essentially sufficient to make me sit down and watch "Colonials", and usually I am not overly keen on sci-fi movies.

And after suffering through 18 minutes of this movie, I gave up. I simply just couldn't take more of the dumpster fire that was "Colonials". Seriously, how does something as atrocious as this get to see the light of day in 2023?

The storyline in the movie, well based on the synopsis seemed okay. But after just 18 minutes of laughable CGI and insanely wooden acting, I have to admit that I don't know what the storyline was about. Nor do I actually care anymore.

The acting performances in "Colonials" were wooden, rigid, sluggish and amateurish. And everything was filmed at a green screen, and it was painstakingly obvious. I gave up on the movie after watching leading actor Greg Kriek (playing Silas) perform the most laughable scream of terror ever performed on screen whilst inside an atrociously rendered CGI vehicle.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble, not that there were a lot of performers on the screen in the 18 minutes of sheer torture I sat through. But I perused IMDb after turning off the movie to check who was on the cast list. Not a single familiar face or name on the list.

Now, what really amazed me about "Colonials" was the God awful CGI that was used for virtually everything in the movie, aside from the actors and actresses that were on the screen. Everything was green screen. Terrible green screen, mind you. The CGI was flat, lacking texture and just moved in rigid and awkward manners. It looked worse than a PC game from the 1990s. It was, actually, so horrible to look at that it just drained away all will to watch the movie. How does such horrible CGI get a thumbs up in 2023?

I doubt that even the most hardcore of sci-fi fans will actually get any enjoyment out of watching directors Andrew Balek and Joe Bland's 2023 movie "Colonials".

This was without a doubt the worst movie experience of 2023 so far. The best thing about this project from writers Joe Bland and Cyrus Cheek was actually the cover/poster. This is definitely not a movie that I would recommend you waste your time, money or effort on.

My rating of "Colonials" lands on a well-deserved one out of ten stars.

Avoid

[boedicia50 · 1/10 · 7 October 2023]

Wow, I thought the recent War of the Worlds was bad, but this dire piece of garbage movie-making actually made that look professional.

I can't figure out how films like this actually see the light of day.

Terrible acting, terrible script and terrible CGI. Ok it gets 1 star for occasionally having a not too bad CGI scene but 5 seconds later they are back to looking like something an 8 year old did on their iPad.

Maybe it was supposed to be like this, the scriptwriter and director(s) were trying to make the dullest cheesiest sci-fi mangled steaming pile - in which case, well done, you succeeded beyond your dreams.

Awful

[qyfzy · 1/10 · 12 May 2023]

I got to 16 minutes before I put myself out of my misery. The acting is atrocious and the cgi is like something from a Saturday morning children's television show. The concept is a good one and that's what made me watch it, however from the beginning I regretted it and I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did. This could have been a great film, instead it's probably the worst thing I've ever watched 16 minutes of in my entire life.

If I could have given it a zero I would have, but now I have to think of something to pad this review out to hit the character target for it to be posted...l can't so don't watch it.

Truly abysmal

[fjbhxhx · 1/10 · 14 December 2023]

This is quite possibly one of the worst film experiences possible.

Most obvious is a sound mix dominated by a deeply unpleasant low pitch rumble that adds nothing but gives the listener a constant headache. A hackneyed script entirely lacking in creativity and nuance is backed up by an edit that looks as if it was made using a blunt, rusty hatchet with the parts randomly shuffled. Some of the worst green screen film making I have seen with a complete lack of subtlety in the horrendous computer generated backgrounds. The unremitting use of oversaturated primary colours is painful to watch. It is an assault on the eyes and ears with no let up from start to finish

This film is entirely devoid of any redeeming qualities.

Avoid at all costs...

[billalex-85627 · 1/10 · 21 December 2023]

Hot garbage would be too nice to describe this movie. The acting is horrific, the SFX are laughable and the story is mind numbing. Anyone giving this above 1-star must be part of the cast trying to bring the rating up. There isn't anything else to say, but you need to fill the "required characters" so I'll keep typing. Random words. Terrible movie. Do not watch. Most sets look like a junkyard. More random words. Filler,filler. Crazy guy playing in dirt. Trailer park. 1970s satellite dish. Did I mention how bad the CGI is? 8 bit games are better than this movie. Looks like I've finally filled all the characters I need.

I am 127 Year old

[nogodnomasters · 3/10 · 28 May 2023]

Mars is colonized and their technology is more advanced there. A group of the Martians broke off and went back to Earth to take it over. They are the bad guys known as "The Exiles" a name normally given to the good guys. The good guys are doing what little they can with inferior technology. They are the "Resistance." The good guys dress in white, bad guys in black. Silas (Greg Kriek) was one of a three person crew sent to help the Earth as Mars prefers to be isolationists.

There are a number of connections in this film to modern times, but who cares. The special effect border on being a graphic novel design which I believe would have been a better way to go. Actors made me think they had other people in mind for these roles. The production had potential. The film lets off at a point which suggests there may be another one if they can locate their special effect crayon.

Guide: No swearing, sex, or nudity. Has a tween outlook on relationships.

cliche: {n} betrays a lack of original thought.

[royandkyoko · 3/10 · 11 May 2023]

It misses on all accounts. The result is a more than disappointing story suited better to a high-school production.

The direction is static and the acting wooden (granted they didn't have a good script to work with) giving the impression you are watching a lego movie. Below par overacting and underwhelming story-line with a under average 'green screen' poorly masked by overpowering color-correction, that is distracting as it cuts from green light to pink to purple and orange.

Disappointing to say the least. There's a reason George Lucas was able to create a classic on self-funded budget - he had good bones to flesh out the characters. I was not even half way and was rooting for any of them.

There are better looking fanfilms.

[destructus · 1/10 · 15 December 2023]

I feel like this movie was made by a group of friends rather than professional actors. Also I've seen fan films with better CGI. This is pretty horrible. The acting was incredibly wooden and amateur. You can tell they are just standing in front of a green screen reciting lines.

Again, not enough can be said about the CGI. There are fanfilms with zero budget and working on a home PC that can produce far better CGI than what we are seeing in this film. The story could have been interesting but the writing unfortunately is woefully bad, preventing any chance of an interesting story being presented to us.

A REAL LET DOWN

[MennoMan · 1/10 · 18 May 2023]

Sounded pretty good . But started with some of the worst 'Disney Tern' style Acting. By 15 minutes the 1990 style FX 3xtended to the 10th degree had me skipping to see if anything gor better.. actually saw some wood frames with really bad vector cgi ... That was it, I simply had to stop. 8m not sure who wrote the script, but whoever it was would be fired from kiddy TV.

Graphics seemed to be vector 9vervaly placed every we here with no reguard to matching brightness or contrast. Explosions turned into squares and triangles pieces.. laughable.

Good luck.. acting not FX get any better from my skip through stopping about every 5 min... It got deleted from my PLEX.

To be forgotten, like earth in the universe

[dananderson-80061 · 3/10 · 13 May 2023]

Oh well, where do I start,

For an indie movie, the cast is offbeat. However if direction was given to the cast to be what the characters should've been , as mentioned in other people reviews,

But the one part lies a big problem, the CGI,insist on creating a CGI film with majority of CGI as an indie?do NOT mix reality with animation. It would've been better to go entire animation and use the actors for vocal speech. But a good motion animator(watch the start battle with the little machine) it sets the whole animation movie down,

No bad things for the actors, they were not directed well. 3/10 the music was decent, the actors were well. For the most part did their thing, they are not Brad pitts nor anyone like that, and more experience will improve for those actors, this movies failure in given a cinematic experience lies with direction and therefor the director is to blame, considering the CGI is 👍 good, actors are great should they have been given better character development

I mean. The story went from opening, wow, and then wake up, fight ballbot, meet parents, fight ballbot, meet his friends, disaster, new place, all within 8 minutes, there is no pacing, character development for you to not care about anyone,

The plot is there. The actors for an indie film are there they couldve delivered if not for the goofy lines and directors choice of adding weird music tones, saying that the music, and CGI is there (except interaction between CGI and Real people), put pacing, direction,no actor/ character development, introduction to too many people in such a small space for example the yellow robot, it moved into the room, then out , with no context in 20 seconds, it all comes down to the direction of the movie, the director needed to slow down, it could've been a great 2 hour movie to watch , the elements were there. But unfortunately it did not deliver on what I expected, a great example is the expanse, albeit a TV series, but pacing is given, time was used to make cgi and humans interact on par and a story that delivered in appropriate time, not 0-100 then 100-0 in a space of 25 minutes, the acting lines are goofy, comical, and like other reviews, believed this should've went down a more serious and adult tone.

Having ranted and said that, there was a few 'Halo' felt moments, like the introduction to the villain when he laughs etc and zooms out to the whole planet, it was spot on, along with ominous music, but then dropped back to goofy fixing a car and goofy voice script, there is many elements that felt like a transformer movie, mixed with marvel ultron feels and more, if not for the kids elevator music over gooflines, and fast paced we talk, we fix, we go constantly showing, I would say it could've been a 7/10...in indie terms, if this was the directors first movie attempt, I would say that pacing for whatever genre should be absolutely crucial, understand the theme of the movie and fixate the script to it, it felt like it should've been a more adult themed film.

The themes of the landscapes however were beautiful but felt like the mist and clouds on the planet shouldn't of been there, except the haze in the desert, that was done to perfection, along with Sundays, but small details like after walking and trekking in the blistering heat, and not one bit of sweat under the arms or head... it was a bit meh.

OVERALL: An 'ok' cult, but not a cult classic nor something you will watch again, lovely landscapes and CGI, destroyed by Visual effects that are not needed, incredibly fast paced and no character development for you to care about anyone, however there is some great scenes to be watched, but within seconds and minutes , a comical script of voice lines and childish backdrop music returns to spoil the watching experience, had the script give characters time to develop for us to understand their personalities, and give those who should be hardened and not skimperish etc. This film could have been a good watch even if the film dragged to a dire 2 hours instead of 1hr 20m, along with unwanted slow motion moments for effect doing the exact opposite, wishing these scenes were normal pace to get them over with. Like Morgan the mannequin, with the yet again childish music for a film that should have been a more 'the expanse' like sensibility about things happening, but hey! It's got ROBOTS, the robots are 😎cool but the flooring after Morgan scene, oh lord, just concrete would've done.to be honest , Morgan with a 0 childish script and also mute, was probably the best thing for any of the voice script, apart from the main villain. And robots. Cuz heLL, these robots are well designed! Goofy animations but hey, they don't get childish music, I welcome it in a indie movie, the movie just was a mess in PACE, Character Development, and the childish script and childish music playing, apart from that, I would say it could've done better with all points highlighted, in fact I praise the actors for putting up with the....lol horrendous script.

Could have been so much more, if geared to adults!

[dleary69 · 3/10 · 12 May 2023]

The scifi aspect of this film could have been better if a bigger budget allowed for more than half of the film where real people were portryaed. The other half plus looked like cartoons, and it's very obvious. Characters that should have been portrayed as stronger were cast as whimpering little girls, and these are the guys I'm referring to. Script jumped around and forward too far to feel like a story was being told and each chapter seemed like it was shot without continuity present to fuse the scenes together for the director. Must have been past the directors bedtime. They tried to tell too much story into a small time frame and it really felt jerky. Star Wars it isn't, even though it appeared they were trying many aspects of it to draw in viewers (eg: prime villian in a black exoskeleton suit from head to toe). I had to get up a few times and didn't feel like I missed anything, dsolate planet, evil warlord, hero stops crying and remembers everything, big evil space station blown up, and hero's on the way to help! If you watch the characters you'll see the odd shimmer along their edges for the green screen while the cartoon backgrounds move along. Starship Troopers was a better production value than this as well as a better story. This all being said by a devout scifi fan for most of my life. I gave them 3 stars for showing upi to read the lines.

I'm not sure what to say... Time I will never get back

[nyice · 1/10 · 8 January 2024]

It popped up on Amazon prime and I love science fiction so I thought great. Was I wrong.

I had to google when it was filmed because it couldn't have been in this decade.

Whatever could be wrong or awful about a movie it had it all.

The CGI, dialogue , acting, over acting, under acting, timing, scenery, background , the characters.

I fast forward through to see if it gets better but no.

It lacks so much and has no direction or depth.

It is a terrible film.

How someone could make and edit this movie without knowing it is terrible is beyond comprehension.

Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time unless you want to torture yourself for someone else.

Don't Waste Your Time

[chicksinfla-736-447643 · 1/10 · 28 January 2024]

Apparently shot with a hand-held camera in someone's back yard, this film has nothing going for it. Weak plot, boring dialogue, uninspired and unskilled actors make for a very large waste of time. Don't even bother. I was surprised at the age of some of the older actors. I wonder if they are film-school teaches. Whatever they are, they are not actors.

The audio is also poor. It occasionally wafted out when the background music because so extraordinarily loud.

I gave it one star because that's the lowest you can give, but some of the scenery is pretty. Of course, the film maker had nothing to do with that, but the scenery is the only enjoyable part of the film.

First thought it was a college project

[yard_boy · 2/10 · 2 January 2024]

Then realized this is today's B-movie:

• actors looking for their first break
• set builders learning to wield models
• camera ops dealing with overexposure

One actor really caught my interest... B. A. Tobin ("Thomas" in the Resistance).

He's a handsome, fit, young man and when he smiles, he beams and steals a scene. However, B. A. Tobin rarely stops smiling, regardless of the situation. This leads to scenes where possibly the director has corrected the smiling and the young thespian contorts his face in an effort to stop. It's actually funny.

BTW, if you like CGI, this film has a lifetime's worth... sadly of questionable quality.