- [first lines]
- Alucard: [eating dinner alone] What do you think, Trevor?
- [He looks at two rag dolls representing Trevor and Sypha, sitting on a shelf]
- Alucard: [imitating Trevor] "I think I hate everything and everybody, so I'm going to get drunk on beer that's been brewed in an old sheep carcass, and then I'm going to stick my tiny penis in a dead dog I found in a ditch to make hate babies or something, because I am actually more stupid than mud."
- [imitating Sypha]
- Alucard: "You are a horrible, terrible person. And many other words for horrible and terrible, because I know all the words, because I am smarter than everybody, and one day I will go back to live with my flea-bitten family in a cart, which makes me better than everyone, and you will all die in a fire. A big one."
- [pause]
- Alucard: Oh my God. I am losing my mind. It's only been a month... I think.
- [last lines]
- Trevor Belmont: [swigging from a tankard] Oh, my God. That is better than sex.
- [Sypha casts a spell, freezing the beer in the mug]
- Sypha Belnades: *Better* than sex?
- Trevor Belmont: Ah, well, no, not... you know, just different, differently good.
- Sypha Belnades: [stalking off] Really?
- Trevor Belmont: But I-I didn't, I didn't mean...
- Sypha Belnades: I do hope you sleep well tonight, with my tiny, *icy* foot shoved all the way up your-!