- Captain Ray Holt: I don't like this. I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.
- Jake Peralta: The point is, without any good leads, Kelly will give the order to use the stingray an order that we will record thanks to our very own Madeline Wuntch.
- Chief Wuntch: Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything. He won't even meet with me.
- Captain Ray Holt: Perhaps you can sneak in disguised as an old leather chair.
- Jake Peralta: Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza. All you have to do is run into him.
- Chief Wuntch: [fantasy scene] Commissioner Kelly.
- John Kelly: Oh, Madeline. I didn't see you there. I thought you were an old leather chair.
- Jake Peralta: [reality] He's not gonna say that.
- Captain Ray Holt: He might.
- Chief Wuntch: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
- Captain Ray Holt: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
- Chief Wuntch: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
- Captain Ray Holt: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.
- Jake Peralta: Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
- The Vulture: Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
- Captain Jason Stentley: You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
- Jake Peralta: We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
- Captain Jason Stentley: Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.
- Captain Jason Stentley: My name is Captain Jason Stentley. It's Friday night I think. There's no windows in here. This morning, I was kidnapped for real...
- Jake Peralta: Stop.
- Captain Jason Stentley: What? What was wrong with that?
- Jake Peralta: You said you were kidnapped "for real."
- Captain Jason Stentley: Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped. You know? I'm selling it.
- Jake Peralta: Okay, let's just do it again. Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
- Rosa Diaz: Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
- Captain Jason Stentley: She's right.
- Jake Peralta: Okay, fine, one more time. Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
- Captain Jason Stentley: Okay. Kidnapped.
- Jake Peralta: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
- The Vulture: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.
- Captain Ray Holt: Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
- The Vulture: I'll help.
- Jake Peralta: See, sir? There is good in every person.
- The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
- Jake Peralta: Why would you want that to be known?
- The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
- Captain Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.
- Jake Peralta: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
- The Vulture: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
- Charles Boyle: Whose hand is sticky?
- Captain Jason Stentley: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
- Captain Ray Holt: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
- Chief Wuntch: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off. Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
- Captain Ray Holt: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!
- Jake Peralta: Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
- Captain Jason Stentley: Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?
- Jake Peralta: When C.J. goes to get his morning coffee, we will arrive and grab him. He will pretend to struggle just enough to attract attention.
- Captain Jason Stentley: [fantasy scene] Help! Help!
- Captain Jason Stentley: [reality] I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.
- Jake Peralta: I can see that you already have the word "milk" written on your hand. I know where this is going.
- Captain Jason Stentley: [fantasy scene] Milk! Milk!
- Jake Peralta: [reality] Don't do that.
- Captain Jason Stentley: Oh, man. I can't believe this wild ride's over. We've changed so much. You know, when we started out, we were just Charles the jock, Amy the rebel, Captain Silly Pants, Talky-talky Rosa, Terry the stoner, and C.J. the ringleader.
- Amy Santiago: I'm not sure you're nailing these.
- Amy Santiago: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
- Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.
- Charles Boyle: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce...
- Jake Peralta: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
- Charles Boyle: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
- Jake Peralta: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
- Charles Boyle: You said we didn't have time.
- Jake Peralta: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
- Charles Boyle: Oh, it is.
- Jake Peralta: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
- Charles Boyle: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
- Jake Peralta: Of course.
- Rosa Diaz: Guys.