- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tony Robbins!
- Tony Robbins: [he enters the stage] HOW THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?
- Man #2: Oooh, he swore! I trust this guy.
- Stewie Griffin: I always tell it like it is. Like when I used to write tombstones.
- [cut to a tombstone saying Mary Robbins - She never brought much to the table. A sad-looking couple stands beside him]
- Stewie Griffin: Complained a lot is what she did.
- Tony Robbins: Peter, I was once a lot like you. Unmotivated, dangerously obese, always relying on cutaways...
- Peter Griffin: You know, that reminds me of the time...
- Tony Robbins: No, Peter! No more cutaways! Stay in the present!
- Hudson: Hey, Stewie! Let's play Cops And Robbers. Bang, bang! Bang! Got you!
- [he makes finger-gun sounds and points]
- Stewie Griffin: [chuckles] That's not a gun.
- [he opens his giant gun cabinet with a ton of guns]
- Stewie Griffin: *This* is a gun. You're welcome, Paul Hogan. Every time someone says a weapon is not what it is, Paul Hogan gets a royalty.
- Jumpy: [a kangaroo leaves a letter in Paul Hogan's mailbox] Royalty check, Mr. Hogan.
- Paul Hogan: Thanks, Jumpy!
- Brian Griffin: What's going on? You seem upset.
- Stewie Griffin: You're a real student of the human condition aren't you? Yet somehow it escapes your writing.