Girl on the Third Floor (2019) User Reviews

Actions have Consequences

[nogodnomasters · 6/10 · 13 March 2020]

Don Koch (C.M. Punk) and his expecting wife ( Trieste Kelly Dunn) buy an old house that needs some work. Don works on the house while his wife works from their old house. The house seems to be alive and affords us enough clues so that we know what is going on and we have a good idea where the film is going. No real twist which is what it needed. Don meets Sarah (Sarah Brooks) who hangs out around the house, someone who is overly tempting for Don who is weak.

Excuse me, I liked C.M. Punk. He was a combination of Jim Carrey light and Bruce Campbell. The characters and dialogue needed an upgrade. Some collectors from his past showing up would have been nice.

Guide: F-word. Sex. Partial nudity

It was....... different.

[Sleepin_Dragon · 5/10 · 4 April 2020]

I don't know why but I found the film reminded me of the Toolbox Murders, maybe it was because of the level of brutality it had, or was it the acting? Not sure.

It's a very casual first three quarters of an hour, any excuse for them to zoom in on CM Punk's body or tattoos, after that initial meander it does open up quickly, becoming quite nasty, and a little surreal, some scenes are genuinely nasty.

I can see what they attempted, giving a modern twist to a genre that has literally been done to death, they were on the right track, but it somehow missed the mark, maybe the acting needed to be better and the script a little tighter.

Some parts worked, unfortunately some didn't, 5/10.

Converge? Neurosis? Count me in.

[lnvicta · 6/10 · 10 March 2020]

Girl on the Third Floor is another simple haunted house premise with a twist. Is this a great film? No, of course not. But it's damn entertaining. More than that, it's absolutely insane. The third act goes completely off the rails and it's both grotesque and glorious to watch. Horror films could use more insanity these days.

It isn't scary, which is the main drawback. You know where the story is going right from the start. The details are different enough to stand out and the gore effects are genuinely gruesome, but there's no real suspense to be built. And the tone is camp as it is, so it's hard to take anything too seriously.

Then again, why should we? It's a trashy horror movie about a guy in a weird house with a hot neighbor. Why not get crazy with it? And that's what they did, and it worked for me.

The dog was the best actor in this

[nathanmanson · 1/10 · 10 March 2020]

That was genuinely one of the worst films I've ever seen. C.M Punk can't act for toffee but to be fair neither can anyone else in the film. It made absolutely no sense. What the hell was the point of the marbles and why the hell did He randomly just swallow one of them. There was literally nothing good about this film. The camera work was lazy and sloppy. The fact this is even a film is ridiculous who in the right mind signed off on this. I don't get how anyone could rate this higher then a 1

The remodel that dripped goo.

[S_Soma · 2/10 · 26 October 2019]

Horror is my preferred genre. That having been said, GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR did absolutely nothing for me.

An ex-con by the name of Don Koch, the main character, with a very pregnant wife (who's off somewhere working to support her ex-con husband) is single-handedly renovating a very old house which, as we come to learn, used to be a whorehouse. The catch, of course, is that the house is haunted.

These story foundations aren't bad. One might imagine an especially tough and resourceful main character fighting the good fight against some difficult and recalcitrant ghosts. Might be pretty good.

Turns out not.

Don couldn't be more of an (that word that begins with an "a" and ends with "hole") with no redeeming or even vaguely likable characteristics. If he's not needlessly isolating his poor dog or paying so little attention to it that it's free to run off and lick up God knows what then he's shutting it out of his room to sleep at night. Unsurprisingly, in the context of a movie like this, the dog doesn't last long.

When a sexy young thing shows up in a see-through frock, Don can't wait to hop in the sack with her, nevermind his very pregnant wife. Only when the girl becomes inconvenient does he think to call a halt to the festivities.

In short, the character who plays our "protagonist" is probably the most unlikable character in the show.

Large tracts of the story don't make any sense at all. As Don goes around discovering and repairing various issues with the house, his behavior is unrealistic and unbelievable. Most of the things he repairs seem to involve a large variety of colors and textures of non-specific, dripping, oozing goo. I have to say that, involved in real estate as I am, I've never encountered a house oozing goo of any color, grade or texture. Trust me: if I had it would've been the cause of some concern and might have led to the involvement of a hazmat team. Vaguely oozing goo is simply not typically involved in house renovation projects.

And how does Don react to goo oozing from every nook, cranny and appliance? Does he investigate it to see what's causing it? Does he make a point of cleaning it all out whenever he encounters it?

Oh no. He just slops it up with a dirty rag, cuts out an area of drywall, makes a fast patch and gives it a lick of paint and calls it good. What a complete &#$@! presenting a totally unrealistic reaction to a situation.

The story was unenjoyable and there was no suspension of disbelief, willing or otherwise. The protagonist was incredibly unlikable and unsympathetic. On a personal note, the music Don listened to while working put the irritating, nauseating cherry on top of the whole mess.

I went to the trouble of growing an extra hand so I could give THIS movie 3 thumbs down.

so many dumb things i couldn't get through an hour

[mignonette1 · 1/10 · 28 October 2019]

Spoilers immediately:



Within the first few minutes the main character is already making questionable choices. 1) Why would he try to renovate a house that big by himself when he obviously doesn't know what he's doing? 2) Why would he just let his dog loose in an obviously unsafe, spooge drenched (which the dog laps up gladly), black goo filled house? Because i just assumed he might have looked at the house before he bought it... 3) Why would he plan to move his pregnant wife into a house that has all that black sludge when he obviously plans to do nothing about it? (because he just cuts out the wall where it leaked through, and replaces the sheetrock. no kinda investigation of the source of the black goo.) 4) Why would he see spooge coming out of the plug-in socket on the wall, wipe it a little with his hand, then plug something into it?! 5) Why would he cheat on his wife with some rando that happens to be hanging out in his backyard, not knowing if she lives next door, or if she's crazy, or if she will blow up his life? 6) Whoever thought we would buy this guy as some bigshot attorney that left it all behind for the quiet life was seriously phoning it in that day.

Maybe these questions are answered farther into the movie than i could get, but i felt no real inclination to wait out the annoyingly stupid choices the writers used to drive the story. I'm sure we were supposed to not like the main character so that when bad things happen to him we're ok with it, but he was just too stupid to watch bumbling around, accidentally always getting a face-full or hand-full of black goo or spooge.

Raimi and House vibes

[khodge · 7/10 · 7 March 2020]

Not really understanding the panning on here... This was a serviceably weird and creepy horror, like an updated version of House, the cult 80s trippy haunted house movie. Phil Brooks does remind you of Bruce Campbell in both looks and acting style - but in a good way. He clearly can't help it. It's no masterpiece, but worth a watch if you like your scary movies a bit odd.

Fast Forward

[LGav · 1/10 · 26 October 2019]

You know when a movie's that bad you fast forward through it just to see what happens, just in case it can redeem itself? That's this movie!! And no it doesn't.

Well now...

[aeongale · 7/10 · 27 October 2019]

I watched this expecting it to be very low budget, painfully cliched, slapped together garbage with terrible acting. Surprisingly it's none of those things. CM Punk's acting is very much akin to Bruce Campbell's style. One could say he's ripping him off. While he's not at Bruce's level it was a good enough job to get into the character. As for the story, it's rather quirky take on the haunted house genre. The last quarter felt a bit rushed but still enjoyable.

Inconsistent and Flawed Conclusion

[claudio_carvalho · 3/10 · 10 January 2020]

Donald Koch (Phil Brooks), a.k.a. "Don", "King Don" and "Tiger", moves from Chicago to the suburbs since his wife Liz (Trieste Kelly Dunn) is pregnant and they believe the location is adequate to raise a family with children. Liz buys an old house and Don, who is unemployed, goes with his dog Cooper first to renovate the house. Soon he learns from his neighbor Ellie Mueller (Karen Woditsch) that the house was a brothel many years ago. Then he meets another neighbor, the sexy Sarah Yates (Sarah Brooks), and they have sex in the house. When Sarah returns to visit him, he says that their affair was a mistake since he is married and asks her to not come back again. On the weekend, his friend Milo Stone (Travis Delgado) comes to help Don in the renovation. But soon the house shows supernatural events and Milo, Don and Liz learn that the place is haunted with a sordid past.

"Girl on the Third Floor" is little horror film with an intriguing beginning and development and a disappointing conclusion with an inconsistent and flawed ending. What sane person would live with her baby in a haunted house after everything that happened? Does not make any sense the illogical conclusion. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): Not Available

Surprisingly good!

[agb-59619 · 8/10 · 7 April 2020]

After reading the reviews I was expecting this to be terrible but it was actually pretty good. Nice camera work, a good lead performance and good tension. The only thing that let it down for me was the last 10 minutes which is when the story lost its way.

Still, as a big horror fan this was better than 90% of the dross that's released.

Give it a go and you will probably be surprised!

Really funny horror flick with a great main actor

[brennaus · 6/10 · 17 March 2019]

Watched this at the SXSW and did not know what to expect. Turned out to be a quite entertaining horror flick, directed by Tavis Stevens. Don Jon, an ex-con with a criminal past and some alcohol issues (a delightful performance from former WWE wrestler "CM Punk") bought a house in the Chicago suburbs for himself and his 8-month pregnant successful wife (Trieste Kelly Dunn). He wants to rebuild the house single-handedly while his wife stays in town. His efforts to renovate the house involve some really funny scenes, CM Punk has a great talent for physical humour. While working and sleeping in the house, some strange things happen, glass balls roll over the floors, eerie noises occur, a young girls shows up, trying to seduce Don Jon, and the neighbouring church's pastor seems to know more about the house than she tells. I really liked this movie, since it is a fresh mix of haunted house, horror, slasher, family drama, and comedy--and jumping back and forth between the genres plays nicely with the audience's expectations. Despite some shortcomings in the writing, the actors, and the camerawork are above average. Also the sound design was very skilful.

It was bad.

[dpbertrand-126-427929 · 4/10 · 28 October 2019]

I watched this movie based on the reviews from rotten tomatoes and the good reviews here....i made a mistake.

The movie was poorly acted and scripted. I don't care as much when a character makes dumb decisions. We live in a world where people make odd choices. The interactions were cheesy because of the script and terrible acting by the main lead. He was bad, really bad. Felt like he was doing a bad Bruce Campbell impersonation.

The story itself was ok. If you can look past the acting and bad dialogue, give it a shot.

Every single thing was horrible

[tompfeifle · 1/10 · 26 October 2019]

I cannot name one single thing that was decent. Acting, camera, editing, writing, everything sucks. The only camera movement they know about is the zoom and there are at least 4 million of them. All the characters are unbelievable and annoying . I'm still watching this movie at the moment and I felt the need to write this right away. But hey, since it's not over, it might still get better. So I might be back to change it, except that I wont because it sucks. It's not even mildly scary. I might sue the director because I feel violated for watching the first 40 minutes. Can anybody please advise: should I keep going or turn it off? I might need a doctor after this because it feels like somebody is stabbing me in the eyes. The best actor was the dog, he was a very good boy and very believable as a dog. I hope they paid him more that the other actors. Somebody please make it stop

Absolutely horrible. One of the worst movies I've seen all year.

[manuelasaez · 3/10 · 26 October 2019]

The trailer really tricked me. It made me believe that this movie was going to be well written, well acted and scary. Man, was I terribly, horribly wrong. It was like watching a he worst episode of an HGTV show; the whole movie is comprised of a thin lipped man trying to renovate an ugly house. But the house keeps dripping snot and black Gak everywhere, and there is a neighbor that just won't leave him alone.

Seriously, this movie was bad. It wasn't even in the so bad, it was good category. It wasn't scary, it wasn't particularly well acted, and the story has been told much better dozens of times before. It was so poorly executed, that insane considers turning it off with 20 minutes left until the end. But I persevered, just to see the train wreck burn a little longer, and I wasn't disappointed.

One of the worst sacks of garbage I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Do not even watch it if it's free on cable. Erase this movie and those of this movie from your kind and never speak of it again.

Man Milk'tastic

[omendata · 5/10 · 15 November 2019]

Quite a disturbing film , dark and perverse in many ways. The story itself is nothing new but has deeply disturbing sexual connotations with man-milk emmanating from the wall power sockets/holes and wall switches that look like the female orifice as well as pulsating holes in walls and the old silicone wall effect akin to body horror greats like David Lynch and it does on the budget accomplish a rather gruesome and warped horror.

Acting is average and the story is very average having been done many times before but the sexual perversion and accompanying gooey special effects really will have you squirming, it has some quite shocking hammer-tastic female revenge action which definitely pushes this out of the bargain basement bin. Its not great but its not bad either but most assuredly it is quite disturbing so gets a fair average 5/10 from me!

Okay.

[luke-worlock · 6/10 · 29 February 2020]

I watched this film after seeing lots of reviews regarding how ' disturbing it was supposed to be' I just want to say for me this wasn't the case in the slightest, I jumped a few times, the acting was pretty poor, but overall I did enjoy the film haha it's just another one of those small budget horrors! It was okay!

Boring, AWFUL acting, terrible writing.

[mykelbrown-58577 · 1/10 · 28 February 2020]

The movie is just straight up BLAND, from the start. No captivating plot, I mean come on I was begging for CM Punk to get killed off within 5 minutes. Hard to believe Netflix has this on their "Top 10" list. It's honestly an embarrassment and even though it was free, I somehow want to be compensated for the excruciating headache I now have after trying to "wait for it to get good". My favorite part had to be the credits, or the part where CM punk throws a cabinet, that bounces off the wall, and hits him back.

Uncomfortable scenes

[elijah-alcantara · 7/10 · 28 October 2019]

There's some good stuff here I couldn't explain ... like the wet gooey stuff all around the house that kind of makes you uncomfortable. The creatures and oddities in the house feels a bit inspired from Silent hill. Good acting for all characters, sound and cinematography didn't bother me one bit. I don't understand all the 1 ratings, they don't seem to like the main actor - I mean I don't know him so I have no biased feelings towards the entire movie. It's not bad at all. My only complaint is that the 'girl' looks too generic ... but it's tolerable.

Oddly Entertaining

[doughayden-47646 · 5/10 · 17 March 2020]

Yes its another B horror flick and somewhat predictable, but I was drawn in by the camera work, effective use of sound and the unique choice of leading man. The supporting cast works well together, are entertaining, plus there are a few surprises as we move through the plot and home reno. My only question with so many of these haunted house movies is why don't these people ever get a home inspection before they buy?

I really don't know what I just saw

[randomactsofwhiskey · 15 October 2020]

This movie was an absolute rollercoaster of awful. I have never cringed so much watching anything. CM Punk was a heinous wrestler and an even worse actor with the emotional range of a literal wall. His character Don Koch is a complete horror show and a terrible person all around. His most redeeming quality is his dedication to fixing up the house.

There were a few scenes that were needlessly gory (dog in the dryer and a hammer to the face). Oh! And the house also oozes semen and other hazardous looking liquid. It's begging for hazmat team but King Don doesn't think it's a priority. He sure does love to paint though.

Watch it, if you love terrible films.

Simple and straightforward.

[moviewiz-4 · 8/10 · 2 February 2020]

Although the rating is low, I really enjoy this film. The story is not really complicated and the tense in it is beautifully done. The only bad point is the actors and actresses are not really natural in acting.

You'll like this movie if you get its dark humour.

[future_release · 6/10 · 28 October 2019]

I actually really liked the movie and to a certain extent the story.

It is however very dark humour (which I loved) and I feel that this could be missed by the comments I've read.

It's preposterous and crazy but I really enjoyed it and would definitely recommend .

Totally fake reviews! Had to shut it off it was so bad.

[enigma-947-339467 · 1/10 · 26 October 2019]

This movie is awful. The writing, the acting, the story, all awful, and ridiculous as well, but not in a funny way, but in a WTF? way. No one acts like a normal person. Insane level of overreacting. Paranormal events were absolutely nonsensical.

This was up voted by the crew/friends/family, etc. Sadly, it happens a lot here. 5.7 for this trash? Please.

sad. dog murderers.

[crkiii · 1/10 · 11 January 2020]

Sad, the dog was murdered.

It did not add to the story at all, it was just sad..

Everyone listed in the credits should demand the scene is cut.

It would be better if the dog just disappeared without explanation.

The guy was kinda freaked out about it for a minute, then he forgot.

Really if you are going to kill man's best friend, make it about revenge, or about a rabid dog.

Slaughter the people, but let the dogs be heros.

I wont recommend this to anyone.

Don't just kill dogs.

Spoiler? Nah it's a warning. Do not watch.