Family Guy (TV Series)

Big Trouble in Little Quahog (2018)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [Brian barks at Stewie]  Whoa, whoa, easy, boy, easy. I-It's just Stewie in a kitty costume.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm a calico, and my name is Humphrey.

  Lois Griffin : He got his face painted at a birthday party. It was the only thing this little guy could do. He was too light for the caterpillar slide, too short for the pinata, and too scared to touch the animals in the petting zoo.

  Stewie Griffin : Half of them had erections.

  Lois Griffin : Half of them had erections.

  Stewie Griffin : The pony was magnificent.

  Lois Griffin : The pony was magnificent.

• Stewie Griffin : [building a machine]  I'm too small, am I, Brian? Well, we'll just see who's the bigger man.

  [taking out his phone and composing a text] 

  Stewie Griffin : "Brian, sorry I got testy. Let's bury the hatchet. If you're free, I'd love to hear about any new writing projects you're working..."

  [there's a knock on the door] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, at least wait for me to send it.

  Brian Griffin : [he does so, and Brian then enters, laptop in hand]  Hey, Stewie, I got your text. What am I working on? What am I *not* working on? Well, first off, I got this screenplay for Tom Cruise, about the queen's private secretary, Sir Gaylord Hummer.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, actually, he might do that. But, Brian, I'm more interested in *short* stories.

  [he activates the machine] 

• Stewie Griffin : Brian, we've got to get up to my room.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, but how?

  Stewie Griffin : We'll just climb the lattice on the front of the house.

  Brian Griffin : When did we get that?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, every '80s movie had one, so the fat man thought we should have one, too.

  Brian Griffin : Wow. Okay, great.

  [they start climbing] 

  Brian Griffin : You know, it's funny, you said "every '80s movie," but I can't think of a single one.

  Stewie Griffin : Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

  Brian Griffin : I don't think so. But the lattice thing sounded right when you said it. I-I feel like '80s movies were wall-to-wall lattices. "Sixteen Candles"?

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm... no, no. I mean, she was being ignored most of the movie. Who's be climbing into her window?

  Brian Griffin : Ah, good point. "Risky Business"?

  Stewie Griffin : No. Hookers don't climb. Oh, I know. "Home Alone". "Home Alone" must've had a lattice.

  Brian Griffin : Maybe, but that was 1990.

  Stewie Griffin : Eh, it feels like an '80s movie. You know, it was probably greenlit in the '80s, when lattices were still a thing.

• Stewie Griffin : This day started off so great. It was awash in cake and pony boners. Now all I have is this dumb whistle.

  [blowing it, no sound comes out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Doesn't even work.

  Brian Griffin : [as he does it again, Brian groans in pain, covering his ears]  Ow! What the hell?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, it's a dog whistle.

  [blowing it again, Brian covers his ears and shouts in pain] 

  Stewie Griffin : I've always wondered what that sounds like to you.

  [as he blows it a fourth time, the camera zooms in on Brian's ears] 

  Dog Whistle : [with Gilbert Gottfried's voice]  Dog whistle! Dog whistle! Where are you, dog?

  Brian Griffin : [taking it away]  Give me that!

• Stewie Griffin : I can't believe the nerve of that dog. Teaching me a lesson about size? I'm not even that small!

  [Tiny Tom Cruise suddenly appears] 

  Stewie Griffin : *Tiny Tom Cruise*?

  Tiny Tom Cruise : Oh hey, little guy. Forgot my sunglasses.

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, what's with your gay character names lately? Stacee Jaxx? Jack Reacher? I mean, who are you playing next?

  Tiny Tom Cruise : All right, try to make *this* sound gay: next up, I play Headmaster Bates Mann.

  Stewie Griffin : Anything else?

  Tiny Tom Cruise : Actually, yes. After that, I'll be taking the role of Major Dixon Butts, then Senator Rod Clutcher.

  [they are met by applause from the audience and bow] 

• Brian Griffin : [Brian gets snatched by a rat]  Help!

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, CRAP. Don't worry Brian, I'll save you! But I'm a millennial, so first I have to watch a YouTube instructional video on how to do it.

  Corey : What's going on, guys? I'm Corey, and today I'm gonna teach you how to get your friend out of a rat hole. Now, before we get started, don't forget to subscribe to my channel, Corey's World. And guys, I'll get to as many comments as I can, but I can't get to all of them. And don't forget to check out my other videos, like "How to Play Guitar".

  Stewie Griffin : Uuuh, Brian? This might be a while.

  [he clicks on another video] 

  Corey : What's going on, guys? I'm Corey.

• Exterminator : You have *kids* in there?

  Peter Griffin : Oh yeah, three. Should... should we have mentioned that?

  Prince : [we cut to Meg and Chris crawling on the floor with the poison gas still spreading]  Meg... Chris... come to the light.

  Meg Griffin : Meg, no. Don't do it! Don't go to Prince!

  Prince : Come to the purple light, Meg. Come taste infinity.

  Chris Griffin : Don't listen to him, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : But he's so talented. And he's got so many drugs.

• Brian Griffin : Oh, my God, we're in the trash outside!

  Stewie Griffin : We've got to get down from here. Quick, pass me that baggie.

  Brian Griffin : [Brian does so, and Stewie uses it as a makeshift parachute]  How am I supposed to get down? That was the only baggie.

  Stewie Griffin : Use either the tampon strings or the discarded dental floss and rappel down.

  [in free fall, Brian thuds onto the ground] 

  Stewie Griffin : Which one did you go with?

  Brian Griffin : Neither. I was hoping to kill myself.

• Cleveland Brown : Two days of mail at once, nobody knows. Don't go over two. Don't get greedy. Uhp, got a bat in the cave.

  [he blows a wad of snot out of his nose] 

  Stewie Griffin : All right, I figure if we can just...

  [seeing a shadow come over them] 

  Stewie Griffin : What's going on? An eclipse?

  [they get trapped in Cleveland's snot] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ah! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

  Brian Griffin : Holy crap! What is that? What is on us?

  Stewie Griffin : Gross! Oh!

  [seeing Cleveland wipe and flick another wad of snot away] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ah! Snot rocket!

• Brian Griffin : [getting sucked into the vacuum cleaner]  Oh, my god, this is disgusting!

  Stewie Griffin : I just hope she's done vacuuming.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, everyone, dump your toenails in the hall; I'm vacuuming.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, god.

• Stewie Griffin : Brian? Hang in there, buddy.

  Brian Griffin : Hurry up! Get this rat away from me!

  Stewie Griffin : I'll shrink myself down and come get you. But in the meantime, they say if you put your finger in a rat's butt, it disables it.

  Brian Griffin : [an angry screech is heard]  It didn't work. Now he's just angry.

  Stewie Griffin : Try wetting your finger first.

  Brian Griffin : [another screech]  Just get in here!

• Stewie Griffin : All right, let's get back to the machine. Look at all this shag carpet. This is like our Vietnam movie.

  [imitating Forrest Gump] 

  Stewie Griffin : I miss Jenny.

  Brian Griffin : What is that?

  Stewie Griffin : That's Forrest. Forrest Gump.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, I-I don't think so.

  Stewie Griffin : Shh.

  Brian Griffin : [hearing a mechanical humming]  What is that?

  Stewie Griffin : I ain't a box of chocolates.

  [realizing] 

  Stewie Griffin : [normally]  Vacuum cleaner!

• Stewie Griffin : Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?

  Brian Griffin : That one. The tiny button.

  Stewie Griffin : Wait, did you hit the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?

  Brian Griffin : I hit the button that says "tiny". You said "hit the tiny button".

  Stewie Griffin : Exactly! I didn't say "Hit the big button that says 'tiny'," I said "Hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is going to shrink us down to microscopic size!

  Brian Griffin : Well, why would you make the tiny button big?

  Stewie Griffin : I had to make it big enough to write "Tiny" on it!

• Brian Griffin : I hope Vernon and the gang survived. That gas was pretty powerful.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, let's take a look.

  [looking at the laptop's "return" key under a microscope] 

  Stewie Griffin : They're okay. Let's deliver on our promise. A little water for our little friends.

  [he squeezes a single drop onto the key, which appears to the water bears as a tidal wave] 

  Black the Waterbear : Oh, hell no!

  Country Singer the Waterbear : Sweet country music!

  Gay the Waterbear : Oh, my gay God.

  Stewie Griffin : Ah, they're dead. Now I'm sad. Cheer me up, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

  [a clip of Van Damme dancing in "Kickboxer" is shown] 

• Exterminator : Hi. I'm the exterminator.

  Peter Griffin : An ex-Terminator? So you used to be a Terminator?

  Exterminator : No. I kill rats and bugs.

  Peter Griffin : And Sarah Connor.

  Lois Griffin : No, Peter. We have a rat.

  Exterminator : My stuff's in my truck.

  [putting on a pair of sunglasses] 

  Exterminator : I'll be back.

  Peter Griffin : [with a gasp]  See that, Lois? There's more Terminators around than you think there are.

  [cut to Lois' perspective, with a red Terminator-like computer display; response choices include "ask for divorce", "snap his neck", and "make lame mom joke"] 

  Lois Griffin : [selecting "make lame mom joke"]  I hope he can "terminate" some of the bad attitudes on our kids, huh?

  Peter Griffin : [laughing weakly]  Yeah.

• Brian Griffin : Holy crap, what the hell were those things?

  Stewie Griffin : Dust mites. One of the most dominant species of the micro world.

  Brian Griffin : Why did they just attack like that?

  Vernon the Waterbear : Because they're jerks.

  Stewie Griffin : [taken aback]  Aah! Who the hell are you?

  Vernon the Waterbear : Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you, little buddies. My name's Vernon. I'm a water bear.

  Brian Griffin : A water bear? What's a water bear?

  Stewie Griffin : They're predominantly water-dwelling, eight-legged segmented micro animals. They're also known as a moss piglet or a tardigrade.

  Vernon the Waterbear : You can call me tardy, but I'm always on time.

• Peter Griffin : Well, what'd you find?

  Exterminator : I'll be honest. I think this is a conversation best had over dinner.

  Lois Griffin : Oh. Okay.

  Peter Griffin : [cut to them out at a restaurant]  So, what's going on with the house?

  Exterminator : I don't like talking business at the table. Let's just enjoy our wine.

  Peter Griffin : You're right. I'm sorry.

  Exterminator : [cut them returning home]  Your wife's asleep.

  Peter Griffin : Sometimes she fakes it so I can't hump her, but this seems legit. So, uh, shouldn't we talk about what you found at our house?

  Exterminator : I don't know. It's so late. I have a crazy idea. Should we talk about it over a nightcap?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, sure, I guess.

  Exterminator : [getting out of the car]  I'm a little chilly.

  Peter Griffin : [taking off his jacket]  Oh, well, I-I guess I don't need this.

  [the exterminator blushes as Peter puts it over his shoulders] 

  Peter Griffin : Sir? Sir, I asked you what you found out about the house.

  Exterminator : [waking from his daydream]  What? Oh. You're gonna have to tent the house.

  Peter Griffin : All right. Thanks for your work. You're very professional.

  Exterminator : Yeah, that's me. Professional. Always professional.

  [as Peter closes the door, he sits down on the stoop dejected] 

  Exterminator : And alone.

• Brian Griffin : [waking up the micro world]  It's beautiful.

  Stewie Griffin : Ah, I just wish my hot girlfriend were here to see it.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, yeah? Yeah, you have a girlfriend? What's her name?

  Stewie Griffin : Girl..y... Friend... ston.

  Brian Griffin : Girly Friendston? Nice try, Stewie.

  [cutaway] 

  Girly Friendston : Why won't he answer my texts?

  Mrs. Friendston : Girly, your piano teacher's here.

  Girly Friendston : Oh, mom, do I have to?

  Mrs. Friendston : Girly Friendston, you stop mooning over that boyfriend of yours and get down here this instant.

• Stewie Griffin : Here's the micro board. I just need to re-route the circuits.

  [doing so] 

  Stewie Griffin : All right. The laptop is now linked to the shrink ray. The only problem is that I can't activate it from here. We still somehow have to press the "return" key on the keyboard. But at this size, there's no way I can do it alone. Wait. I've got an idea.

  Brian Griffin : [feeling the ground rumble]  Well, you better act quickly.

  Stewie Griffin : Guys! Follow me up this way!

  Brian Griffin : [they and the water bears start climbing a lattice]  Why is there a tiny lattice inside this computer?

  Stewie Griffin : I guess Steve Jobs was really into '80s movies.

• Vernon the Waterbear : You have water? Water's life.

  Gay the Waterbear : Yeah, we need water bad. And I'm the gay one, but I'm not, like, doing the gay voice.

  Brian Griffin : Listen, Stewie and I come from a place where water flows like... well, water.

  Stewie Griffin : That's right. And we need to get back there. And if you guys help us, we'll make sure you never want for water again. What do you say?

  Vernon the Waterbear : [cheering with the others]  All right!

  Country Singer the Waterbear : Yee-haw!

  Patrick the Waterbear : Patrick Stewart!

• Stewie Griffin : [escaping the tented house]  Thank you, Tiny Tom Cruise. How can we ever repay you?

  Tiny Tom Cruise : Well, you could make a sizeable donation to the Church of Spaceship Beep Boop.

  Brian Griffin : You mean the Church of...

  Tiny Tom Cruise : Yeah, kidnapping, torture, extortion. That's the one.

  Stewie Griffin : And we won't get in trouble because we didn't use the actual name.

  Church of Spaceship Beep Boop Representative : [cut to the outside of an office building labeled "Church of Spaceship Beep Boop"]  What did he just say? We are about love and spaceships and beep boop! Get my lawyer on the phone!

• Exterminator : Okay, all the gas bombs are set up. Time to blow all those vermin to kingdom come.

  Peter Griffin : Can I press the button?

  Exterminator : Hmm. Perhaps that's a question best pondered over dinner?

  Peter Griffin : [immediately losing interest]  You-you can just press it. Go ahead.

• Vernon the Waterbear : Well, here she is. Home, sweet home. Everybody, we've got guests!

  [a group of interested water bears approach] 

  Vernon the Waterbear : You'll see that we have quite the diverse cast of characters.

  Country Singer the Waterbear : I'm the country water bear. "Yee-haw!" is what I say.

  Black the Waterbear : Flagellum? I don't even know 'em. I'm the black one.

  Patrick the Waterbear : And I'm Patrick Stewart as a water bear.

  Brian Griffin : I can't believe there's this whole universe hidden here in your rug... where everyone speaks English.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, Brian, take the ride. Here, have a sip of water.