Kristen Bell credited as playing...
Eleanor Shellstrop
- Michael: Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed, maybe she changed, too.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, no way.
- Michael: Why can't you accept that she might be living a good, honest life? That she's an attentive partner and a good mom?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.
- Peaches McPlum: Okay, final tally: 43 votes for Diana Tremaine, 12 votes for Eileen Capshaw, and one vote for Bofa Deeznutz.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [Michael looks at Eleanor] God, don't look at me like that. You're not my real dad.
- [first lines]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: So my mom is alive, and she lives here. Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
- Michael: I had already told you that you died and that I had tortured you for centuries and that you're doomed to be tortured again. I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer. But now you know everything important about your life. I promise.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: A police officer came to my home and told me that my mom had been accidentally trampled to death when she bent down to adjust her toe ring at a Rascal Flatts concert.
- Michael: That police officer was an actor. See, about a month before, your mom had gotten drunk, wandered into a charity auction, and bid $30,000 for a date with Gene Simmons, outbidding everyone else by $29,800. She didn't want to pay, so she faked her death, moved to Nevada, and reinvented herself as Diana Tremaine.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name. - I -
- [gasps]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: How dare she steal the identity I stole?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You're holding onto this exit strategy, telling yourself that you can bail at any time, but the truth is you love this suburban life.
- Donna Shellstrop: I don't love it so much. I am not basic. YA basic!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, Mom. Ya basic. And that's okay. Let me ask you something. Why are you wearing yoga pants?
- Donna Shellstrop: Well, on Tuesday nights, I do restorative yoga with a bunch of moms from Patty's school.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: And what do you do after yoga?
- Donna Shellstrop: We split avocado egg rolls at the Cheesecake Factory. But we also drink.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What do you drink?
- Donna Shellstrop: Chardonnay... with ice cubes.
- [sighs]
- Donna Shellstrop: And after one glass, I get sleepy, so I usually switch to water so I can drive home... like a nerd!