DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV Series)

Dancing Queen (2018)

Matt Ryan: John Constantine

Quotes 

• Zari Tomaz : That brooding anti-hero crap must be a real panty dropper, huh? You tell her you have four roommates who sleep on the couch?

  John Constantine : No, I didn't. She's my mum.

  Zari Tomaz : ...I'm *really* wishing I had not said "panty dropper."

  John Constantine : Yeah.

• John Constantine : That Irishman there is a leprechaun.

  Zari Tomaz : So sorry - are you being serious or racist?

  John Constantine : Both, Love.

• John Constantine : The Hole: cradle of punk rock and the stickiest floor in the British Isles.

  Ray Palmer : Sounds lovely. You kids have fun. I'll have a bottle of hand sanitizer when you come back.

• Sara Lance : Nate will be back soon. In the meantime, we need to go back before the monarchy goes anarchy.

  John Constantine : Never thought I'd get to meet the Queen.

  Sara Lance : Not gonna happen. Too risky. And besides, she's not the one setting off Ray's magic-o-meter. The Queen's favorite new band is... the Smell.

  John Constantine : The Smell? Never heard of 'em, and I know of every rubbish punk band there is in London.

• Mick Rory : Why is the weasel running the show?

  John Constantine : If you've got a problem with me, pie-head, why don't you just say?

  Mick Rory : I got a problem with you.

• Sara Lance : All right, guys, here's our chance. Somebody's gotta slip backstage and get in with the band.

  John Constantine : Yeah, leave it to me. I used to play here with Mucus Membrane. I know my way around. And besides, you're all bloody Yanks.

  Mick Rory : [pulling him back]  Not you.

  Sara Lance : Why not?

  Mick Rory : I don't like him.

  John Constantine : Always perfidious Albion, is it? Never trust a Brit.

  Mick Rory : Something like that.

• John Constantine : Listen, mate, there's an old trick for unmasking leprechauns. You spill a bunch of grain in front of them on the floor, and they're compelled to count every kernel.

  Ray Palmer : Really? That sounds bizarre. That's not true. Is that true?

  Mick Rory : That's a stupid plan.

  John Constantine : Have you got a better one, big man?

  Mick Rory : I don't do magic tricks.

  John Constantine : Oh, great, so the plan is no plan.

• John Constantine : My dad used to call me "Killer." Never let me forget what I did.

  Zari Tomaz : Hmm. Father of the year.

  John Constantine : Hmm. Wouldn't guess that to look at him, would you?

  Zari Tomaz : [glancing at his father flirting with his mother]  You didn't just happen to run into your parents, did you?

  John Constantine : I've ruined a lot of lives, and that bastard is just the first one to call me out on it.

  Zari Tomaz : Listen, if you want to wallow in self pity, the Waverider has got a lot of rooms for that. I'm partial to the kitchen myself.

  John Constantine : Oh, I'm not here to wallow, love. I'm here to fix it. I'm gonna give him the old Manchester mangler.

  Zari Tomaz : What?

  John Constantine : Back-alley vasectomy.

• John Constantine : Oh, what happened?

  Zari Tomaz : Ball-kick paradox. You can't kick your own dad in the junk because you'd erase yourself from the timeline, which means there would be no one to kick your dad in the junk.

• Ray Palmer : So, I have an idea. What if I just ask her to stop impersonating the Queen? History goes back to the way it was, and we don't have to send her to hell.

  Sara Lance : Ray, so far we've learned that unicorns are homicidal maniacs and fairy godmothers are psychopaths. And they're supposed to be the nice ones.

  John Constantine : And these shapeshifting bastards, they put the rest to shame. We're talking killing sprees, world wars, you name it.

  Ray Palmer : Yeah, but she's not doing any of that.

  John Constantine : She's manipulating you. Don't fall for it, mate.

  Mick Rory : Too late. He's got a tattoo.

  Zari Tomaz : Oh, please let it be a tramp stamp.

• John Constantine : You know? It is 1977 in London Town. I'm gonna enjoy the sights. Good luck with your magic problem.

  Ray Palmer : Did you guys just make Constantine leave?

  Sara Lance : We'll get back to you, Ray.

• Zari Tomaz : Were you and your mom close?

  John Constantine : Just met her twenty minutes ago. Died in childbirth.

  Zari Tomaz : [awkwardly]  Two for two.

• Ray Palmer : Sara, I figured it out.

  Sara Lance : All right, Ray, what are we dealing with?

  Ray Palmer : She's a shapeshifter. She doesn't kidnap the Queen. She becomes the Queen.

  John Constantine : [entering with Zari]  I knew it.

  Zari Tomaz : You definitely said leprechaun.

• Sara Lance : [learning Ray let Nora escape]  Look, you better not be wrong about her. But right now, we need to deal with our current captive. She cannot stay on the ship.

  Zari Tomaz : Yeah, especially now with Amaya's face. It's freakin' creepy.

  Mick Rory : You broke her, you fix her, weasel. Make her not Amaya again.

  John Constantine : Spell doesn't work like that, Womble. I took away her power to transform. It's like clipping an angel's wings. You can't exactly unclip them.