- Soldier: Did you know that in the event of a natural disaster, there's enough water in your toilet to sustain you for three whole days? So at the first sign of danger, whatever you do, don't shit!
- The Hollywood Plumber: I'm a philosopher of life who'll fix your toilet and your wife without you knowing!
- The Hollywood Plumber: I am the plumber in this town, I'm never greeted with a frown from any lady. Because my plunger is quite large, it's been mistaken for a barge, and it's quite weighty.
- Nat Caulfield: Bobby, I'll tell ya, you are a lovely guest! I'll tell ya, I was expecting a big, burly who-knows-what to be sitting here when the lights came up, but you're just, just lovely, you really are. A real credit to your perversion!
- Redneck Cop: Punkers! I just don't know what to say about someone who spray-paints their hair pink and green. And then as if that weren't enough, they go and put safety pins in their titties!