Dave Willis: Carl Brutananadilewski

Quotes 

• Carl Brutananadilewski : The National Felony League is spinning out of control. What's next? Is Jimmy Graham gonna slam dunk a live kitten through the uprights? Is Tom Brady gonna get arrested for boiling and eating three hobos? What's gonna have to happen for me to evaluate my priorities and not watch all eleven hours of the NFL's breathtaking, bone-shattering, pigskin action this Sunday? So, that's why I'm calling for a moratorium on all suspensions of any guys on my fantasy team until the legal process can play out in February, after the Super Bowl. Everyone's talking on Adrian Peterson. At least he ain't no no-show father. He's there for his kid every day, whaling on him. But, me? I would never, under no circumstances hit a kid. And if I ever did, God forbid lose my patience with a kid, one of their helicopter parents would come flying in and try to sue me, even if their little brat totally did cut in front of me at line at the popsicle truck! I don't spank kids 'cuz I don't have kids to spank because I find kids boring. Now, some people are blaming Peterson's upbringing, but I'll say this. My dad never hit me. Granted, he split for a carton of smokes when I was three and he didn't never come back. And I turned out cool as hell. I'm smart, my car rules, every woman on the planet wants me, every man wants to be me, and I'm the biggest name in sports talk opinion! And I learned all that 'cuz my deadbeat dad wasn't here screwing it up! Now, Peterson said he'd like to be a Dallas Cowboy someday. That's a win-win for everybody. The Vikings could wash their hands in this distraction while Dallas could finally have that workhorse in the backfield who wouldn't never touched the ball 'cause Tony Romo already fumbled it. Now that AP's gone, this Sunday, the Saints will beat the Purple and Gold like a red-headed... Eh, look. If the Vikings persist in misbehaving, the Saints will gently but firmly tell them no and send them to their locker room without their favorite toy or snack. New Orleans is Carl's Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week!