The Good Place (TV Series)

Existential Crisis (2017)

Ted Danson: Michael

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Eleanor Shellstrop : I don't know if what I'm going to say will hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it is like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So...

  [Shrugs shoulders] 

  Eleanor Shellstrop : We're all a little bit sad, all the time. That's just the deal.

  Michael : Sounds like a crappy deal.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Well, yeah, it is, but we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try to ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there - everybody's been there. So don't fight it. And in the words of a very wise Bed, Bath and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger".

• Michael : I worked so hard on my torture ideas, and theirs are so basic. These millennials, they have no work ethic.

  [Tahani gives him a look] 

  Michael : Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone who has only been torturing people for a thousand years.

• Michael : [in ethics class with Chidi]  I've read everything on your syllabus and how do I put this delicately? It's all... stupid garbage.

• Eleanor Shellstrop : Coast is clear. Not a demon in sight. Except for, you know...

  [Points to Michael] 

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Is that what we should call you? "Demon"?

  Michael : Well, I mean, it's not really accurate, and we consider it to be a little racist.

• Vicky : You gotta admit, things are going pretty well since I took over.

  Michael : Certainly a lot smoother lately. And based on my surveillance, our four humans don't suspect anything.

  Vicky : Yeah, because we're killing it.

  [Gunnar and Quinston whoop] 

  Michael : You sure are.

• Michael : Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week.

  Vicky : [looking through it]  Ugh, so long. You're not supposed to be torturing me.

  [tossing it on the desk] 

  Vicky : From now on, make all your memos one page, max, with pictures.

• Michael : So that's their plan.

  Jason Mendoza : This doesn't seem so bad.

  Michael : Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets.

• Michael : [all laid back]  I mean, anger is toxic. I'm not about that negativity. Mi torture es su torture. I am so happy you're in charge. Okay, well, good. Namaste, chica.

  [chuckles] 

  Michael : Do you want to dance?

  Vicky : No.

  Michael : Okay. I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.

• Michael : Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison.