- Amy Farrah Fowler: [after she hung up the phone, stunned] We won.
- Penny Hofstadter: Congratulations!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my god!
- Sheldon Cooper: We did it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I know. Can you believe it?
- Sheldon Cooper: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?
- [everyone gasps as Leonard slaps him, hard]
- Sheldon Cooper: [Realizing, screaming] WE WON THE NOBEL PRIZE!
- [They all start cheering, screaming, and hugging one another]
- Sheldon Cooper: The Nobel committee will be making the calls to inform the winners at any minute, so the only drug I need is the endorphins pumping through my brain in anticipation of our victory.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, technically, anticipation wouldn't be mediated by endorphins as much as dopamine, but, you know, you've been up all night, so I'll give you that one.
- [seeing he's asleep]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? The second he stops talking?
- Penny Hofstadter: Well... should we wake him up?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he did say if he fell asleep, we were allowed to slap him awake.
- Penny Hofstadter: [excited] Oh, boy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute. Why do you get to do it?
- Penny Hofstadter: 'Cause I called it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you can't just call it. You have to earn it.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, and you've earned it?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No one has earned it more than me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [clearing her throat] Ahem.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You have your whole life to smack him around. This is my time.
- Penny Hofstadter: Fine. Don't miss.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's not a volleyball. I can handle it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, I like the way my hair looks. I'm done tiptoeing around him.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, we're all guilty of it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: But why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: 'Cause we were afraid to upset him.
- Raj Koothrappali: Which happens anyway.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's over.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm-I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot, and-and... and the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly.
- Raj Koothrappali: Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would... yes! To accomodate Sheldon. And what-what about this-this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in, and for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. Put it in the closet.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? I will.
- [as soon as he grabs hold of the model, it falls apart]
- Raj Koothrappali: I bet that's the reason.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. That's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [after Raj shows Amy's new look, and he detested it and stormed out, Leonard follows him] Sheldon, that was really rude.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's just a haircut and some clothes.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, it's the last straw! I can't take anymore!
- Penny Hofstadter: [the elevator bell dings and the doors open] Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.
- Sheldon Cooper: And how does it feel to be married to a Nobel Prize winner?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You tell me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Amy-centric; what a fun way to look at it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I think so.
- Sheldon Cooper: You would. That makes sense.
- Sheldon Cooper: Aw. It's a congratulations text from my meemaw.
- [his phone buzzes]
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh. Oh, and there's one from my mom.
- [another buzz]
- Sheldon Cooper: And my sister.
- [another buzz]
- Sheldon Cooper: And my brother.
- [another buzz]
- Sheldon Cooper: And my brother's ex-wife.
- [another buzz]
- Sheldon Cooper: My brother's other ex-wife. Boy, they don't tell you when you win a Nobel, it chews up your phone battery.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [her phone buzzes] Oh, that's me. It's CVS. My prescription's ready.
- [another buzz]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, and also my dad. He says congratulations and he loves me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Nothing about me?
- [his phone buzzes]
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Oh, it's your dad. I'm good.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, is Penny here?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. Why?
- Raj Koothrappali: I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Amy enters, looking drop-dead gorgeous] Wow. Amy, you look amazing.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think?
- Sheldon Cooper: [giving her a once-over] I like you better the way you were.
- Raj Koothrappali: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't care. Put it back.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I like the way I look.
- Sheldon Cooper: [storming out] Well, I don't!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [following him] My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.
- Sheldon Cooper: [after he gets to the bottom floor, he's surprised to see Penny there after he just left her and Leonard] How did you get down here?
- Penny Hofstadter: The elevator. It's really fast.
- Sheldon Cooper: I-I need to be alone right now. Don't try to follow me.
- Penny Hofstadter: [Follows him] All right. You need a ride?
- Sheldon Cooper: That'd be great. Thank you.
- Penny Hofstadter: You know, you go on and on about wanting things to stay the same, but you've changed a lot since I met you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you are a mean drunk.
- Penny Hofstadter: I'm serious. You have a ton of friends, you got married, moved into a new apartment. You wore a baseball hat that one time. Heck, you've had sex almost as many times as I have fingers.
- Sheldon Cooper: More.
- Penny Hofstadter: W...
- Sheldon Cooper: [holding up two fingers] By this many.
- Penny Hofstadter: You dog!
- Sheldon Cooper: It was the "Avengers" trailer.
- Sheldon Cooper: [singing to the melody of "99 Bottles of Beer"] Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar/Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium/If the half-life of radium should happen to pass/Three times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar.
- Penny Hofstadter: Really hope you're almost to zero.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, see, that's the beauty of half-lives; it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero. It's like "Wheels on the Bus" if the bus had an unknowable number of parts.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, we're gonna need more coffee.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yep. I'm with you. Leonard, coffee?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
- Penny Hofstadter: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that.
- Barry Kripke: Hello, this is Sweden calling. Is this Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
- Barry Kripke: Congratulations. It is my pleasure to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. In being suckers!
- Sheldon Cooper: [realizing who it is and hanging up] His Swedish accent was very convincing.
- Penny Hofstadter: You know, you're the only person who could win the biggest prize in science and still be upset about it.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's just... all the times I thought about winning, I never thought about how it would ch...
- [she starts to raise her drink]
- Sheldon Cooper: Affect my life. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely concerned about your liver.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay. Fine, I'll stop playing.
- Penny Hofstadter: You know, I've grown, too. I used to be the bartender back there.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's true. And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke, 35% Diet Coke?
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least 1% saliva.
- Sheldon Cooper: I do take your point. You know, you're also married, you have a successful career, you no longer dress like you're trying to attract sailors by the wharf.
- Penny Hofstadter: So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
- Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: [seeing Howard and Bernie on CNN] Oh. Hey, look, that's Bernadette.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can't tell you how many times Dr. Fowler was gonna give up and I would say to her "Amy, as your best friend, I'm not gonna let you quit."
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, I'm drinking again.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'll join you. Waitress, uh, 95% Hawaiian Punch, 5% vodka.
- Howard Wolowitz: Let me tell you about the time Mr. Nobel Laureate wanted olives...
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [laughing] This is a good one.
- Sheldon Cooper: [calling to the waitress] You know what? 90/10!
- Sheldon Cooper: What do you want, Howard?
- Howard Wolowitz: We were just calling to see if you'd heard yet.
- Sheldon Cooper: We haven't.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: But thank you for getting up so early to call. That was very thoughtful.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, please. We have two little kids. We've been up for an hour.
- Howard Wolowitz: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [disappointed] No.
- President Siebert: Hey, fellas. Can you do me a favor?
- Raj Koothrappali: Do we have a choice?
- President Siebert: [sarcastic amused laugh] Ha-ha! No. Sheldon and Amy are now officially superstars, and the press will be reaching out to their family and friends for comment. So that we're all on the same page, the word we're gonna use to describe them is "quirky". And not...
- [in a deep voice]
- President Siebert: ..."quirky". More like...
- [more upbeat and pleasant]
- President Siebert: ..."quirky"!
- Howard Wolowitz: So not Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle?
- President Siebert: [another sarcastic laugh] Ho-ho-ho! You bitter, envious little man.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [applause as she and Sheldon enter] Thank you so much.
- President Siebert: [still uncomfortable, Sheldon leaves again] And what do we call that?
- Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz: Quirky.
- Howard Wolowitz: Can I help you?
- Reporter #2: Uh, yeah, actually. Um, I had an appointment to interview Dr. Cooper about the Nobel.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hang on a second. Sheldon?
- [knocking and poking his head in, he sees Sheldon's office is empty; Sheldon then pokes his head up from behind his desk and shakes his head]
- Howard Wolowitz: Sorry, he's not here.
- Reporter #2: Damn. I've got a deadline.
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know if it helps you at all, but I'm his best friend in the whole world.
- Reporter #2: Really?
- Howard Wolowitz: And an astronaut. Come on, you can buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you about both.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Between the attention he's getting as a Nobel Prize winner, Amy's new look, and the elevator finally being fixed] This is a nightmare.
- [Storms off down the stairs]
- Penny Hofstadter: What's with him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: He won a Nobel Prize, and his wife looks amazing.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh. Yeah, got it.
- Sheldon Cooper: All this change is just too much. You know, the reporters, the attention at work, and now even Amy's changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
- Penny Hofstadter: I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word "change", I take a slug.
- Sheldon Cooper: Are you gonna be able to drive me home?
- Penny Hofstadter: Mm. Not unless you change the subject. Huh. Now I said it. Meh. Hmm.
- Penny Hofstadter: [preparing to slap Sheldon from his slumber] Oh, wait. Hang on. When you're old, you are gonna want a record of this.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, oh, yeah. Do it in slow-mo. I wanna see his cheeks ripple.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put on my pants both legs at a time.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: One day, that's gonna end very badly.
- [leaving the apartment building, they're besieged by reporters]
- Reporter #3: Congratulations. How does it feel?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: O-Okay, w-we're happy to answer your questions, just, um, one at a time, please?
- [uncomfortable and overwhelmed, Sheldon leaves]
- Reporter #1: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: No. Next question.
- Raj Koothrappali: Was it your left hand or your right hand?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Right. Spit actually flew out of his mouth.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, what's wrong?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: My picture's all over the Internet, and I look terrible.
- Raj Koothrappali: No. Let me see.
- [taking her phone]
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, that is an unfortunate angle.
- Raj Koothrappali: You just won the Nobel. You should be proud of this moment.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I know I shouldn't care about how I look, and I never thought I did. It-it's stupid and shallow, but I just can't help it. Am I really this frumpy?
- Raj Koothrappali: No. No, you are a beautiful woman. By the way, if you're not happy with those pictures, then make some changes. Get a haircut, new clothes, new glasses, big glasses; no glasses! Then you won't be able to see those pictures.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sounds expensive.
- Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, i-if I'm not mistaken, the Nobel comes with a substantial cash prize. What were you gonna spend it on?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hadn't really thought about it. Sheldon's got his eyes on some new Dockers.
- Raj Koothrappali: Come on. Do something for yourself.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I suppose I could get a haircut.
- Raj Koothrappali: And some makeup and a new wardrobe, and a little thank-you gift for your shopping buddy if we see something that he likes. Come on.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [following him out] Where are we going?
- Raj Koothrappali: Beverly Hills, where the things he likes are.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why is this article about Sheldon all about you?
- Howard Wolowitz: [looking over her shoulder] Let me see. Oh, good, they used my NASA picture.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why does it say that you're his best friend? Leonard's his best friend.
- Howard Wolowitz: No. Leonard has always been kind of a... monkey butler. Whenever Sheldon got into a scrape, I was his go-to guy.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: When did he get into a scrape?
- Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, right? W-... remember when he had a panic attack 'cause his hand got caught in a jar of olives? I was the one who told him to let go of the olives.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Please, that doesn't make you his best friend.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know, that reporter asked me if I could put him in touch with... Amy's best friend.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's Penny.
- Howard Wolowitz: [sing-song] Doesn't have to be.
- Sheldon Cooper: What kind of tea is appropriate for winning a Nobel Prize and now everything is changing and you feel unmoored from reality?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Earl Grey?
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, this is something I've wanted my whole life. But I guess I never considered how everything would be different.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, I-I know all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down.
- Sheldon Cooper: [rummaging through teabags] There's no Earl Grey! You filthy liar!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I should've seen this coming.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, stop. You're allowed to get a haircut.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I know. But I should've done it gradually. You know, like... maybe 300 tiny haircuts over a ten-year period.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, you need to focus on the positive. You won a Nobel Prize. I slapped Sheldon. A lot of dreams came true today.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, you're right. This is a huge day for me, and I'm allowed to enjoy it without worrying about how it's going to affect my husband.
- Raj Koothrappali: Is it me, or did it just get fierce in here?
- Penny Hofstadter: [last lines of the episode]
- [returning home, Sheldon starts up the stairs]
- Penny Hofstadter: Hang on.
- [pressing the elevator call button]
- Penny Hofstadter: What do you think? Want to give it a try?
- [as the door opens, he looks in uncertainly, then glances at the stairwell]
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, you know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So going up and down the stairs was a change, which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But conversely, I think...
- Penny Hofstadter: [shoving him] Get in!
- Sheldon Cooper: [the doors close] This is wild.