Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

The Paintball Scattering

Sheldon Cooper

Amy Farrah Fowler: It sounds like you don't want Sheldon to do the interviews.
President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [a server brings his condiments] Now, wait, wait, are you trying to exclude me?
President Siebert: Look, Sheldon, you're a brilliant man, but your people skills are...
Sheldon Cooper: This is not barbecue sauce! This is steak sauce! What are you trying to pull?
President Siebert: Like that.
Sheldon Cooper: This is ridiculous. It is my work, too, and I am perfectly capable of keeping it together for an interview.
President Siebert: Okay. Say somebody asks if you feel your work is derivative of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Sheldon's face starts twitching] Seriously, can we get this man some barbecue sauce?

Penny Hofstadter: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon Cooper: You know what I call this drink?
Penny Hofstadter: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon Cooper: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy Farrah Fowler: He is also sweet and bubbly.

Leonard Hofstadter: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thanks.
Penny Hofstadter: Yay.
[they clink their glasses and sip their drinks]
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them. We decided we don't care what people say about our work.
Penny Hofstadter: Good for you. People online can be so mean. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.
Leonard Hofstadter: And yet somehow, she soldiers on.
Penny Hofstadter: Mm.
Sheldon Cooper: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard Hofstadter: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, President Siebert.
President Siebert: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar.
[to the others]
President Siebert: No offense, worker bees.
[to Sheldon again]
President Siebert: You should join me in my private dining room. Dr. Fowler is already there.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I bring my friends?
President Siebert: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I bring my tater tots?
President Siebert: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, let's go.

President Siebert: I just want you to know that you have our full support, and we're organizing a big media push. Articles, interviews.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ooh, you want us to do interviews?
President Siebert: Uh, well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know, in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon Cooper: What kind of emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know. Maybe there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you ever feel guilty that we get to eat in the fancy dining room while our friends have to eat in the regular one?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Wait, did you say "guilty" or "happy"?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Guilty.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, then, no. In fact, take a picture of me with the garlic knots to send them.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [reading feedback to their paper] Okay, here's one from Dr. Saltzberg at UCLA.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait, no, stop. I don't want to know. What if he's mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, what if he's complimentary?
Sheldon Cooper: I want to know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay. He says...
Sheldon Cooper: I don't want to know.
Leonard Hofstadter: [taking the phone] All right, just... let me see it.
[reading the message]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, this is... this is really positive. Wow, it's, like, *really* positive. He says i-it might be the discovery of the decade.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [he hands the phone back] He's right. They love it!
Sheldon Cooper: This is so exciting. Oh, this may be the Dr. Cooper talking, but pour me another Dr. Cooper.

President Siebert: Well, this is nice. Why have we waited so long to do this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because you never invited us.
President Siebert: Ha-ha-ha! Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work. This paper is going to do big things for all of us, so if there's anything that you need...
Sheldon Cooper: You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots. Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.
President Siebert: [to a passing waiter] Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?
Sheldon Cooper: Both?
[to Amy, impressed]
Sheldon Cooper: So this is how the other half lives.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, a little shorter, but as we age, that happens to all of us.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on, help me out here. I've got a bunch of interviews today.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, no one'll notice. They never met you before.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.
Sheldon Cooper: If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [taking an index card] "Whom do you love more, Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man? Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant." Well, you really managed to capture my voice.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you. Okay, bye.
Sheldon Cooper: [she stands to leave] Wait, wait, wait. You forgot the cards.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Love you, too.

President Siebert: There's my MVP; Most Valuable Physicist.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
President Siebert: And my star of NPR "Science Friday" and a potpourri of popular podcasts.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know if I'd use the word "star".
President Siebert: I would. I got an early look at the interview you did for "Wired", and it is glowing. They loved you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's great. Thanks for telling me.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations, Amy. I'm so proud of you.
President Siebert: And that headline: "The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics".
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, the who did what to... huh?