- Librarian: In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles.
- Klaus Baudelaire: A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance.
- Olivia Caliban: Particularly if that library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
- Vice-Principal Nero: Step lively, health and hygiene instructor.
- Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender: I prefer the term, "interdisciplinary gender studies."
- Lemony Snicket: It should be a place of comfort and adventure that feels almost like home, particularly if your actual home has been destroyed in a fire. But as you and I know, school is hardly ever like that.
- Librarian: Give this a decent burial.
- Carmelita Spats: Well, you told me you like To Kill a Mockingbird, so I did it for you.
- [first lines]
- Lemony Snicket: [pops up from a hatch in the floor] You probably shouldn't be here. This is a secret passageway a restricted area, About 1/3 of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story.
- [climbing out of the manhole]
- Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket. If you've been following the story as closely as some people have, then you know that nobody should be here. Because everything about the Baudelaires' situation is horrible to contemplate.
- Librarian: How did you know I was a librarian?
- Larry Your-Waiter: There's a certain gleam in the eye indicating a sharp, erudite acumen. Also, you have a cart full of books.
- Miss Tench: [motivating the team] When you die, you won't think of your family. You won't think of your friends or your career, or the way the land looks when sun sets behind the mountains. You'll think of the day we beat another team at sports!
- Vice-Principal Nero: This is a very exciting day for me, so you orphans and you twins should be excited.
- Violet Baudelaire: The Quagmires are triplets.
- Vice-Principal Nero: Twins is what you call triplets when one has burned to a crisp!
- Larry Your-Waiter: In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles.
- Olivia Caliban: In every library, there is a single book to answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.
- Librarian: [Quoting Voltaire] "Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them."
- Vice-Principal Nero: And soon indeed the sun will set. The fiery orb of life leaving me alone, alone, alone. Until, of course, you meet someone who truly understands and supports you with friendship, camaraderie, and cash bribes.
- Count Olaf: I was NOT a late bloomer. Girls were falling all over me in school, and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by. I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger - a member of the drama club.
- Vice-Principal Nero: I've always wanted an administrative assistant, but there was never a budget for it.
- Librarian: Due to budget cuts, crumbling infrastructure, and the priorities of a certain vice principal, this place has become something of a faltering institution.
- Count Olaf: Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts.
- Hook-Handed Man: Were you unpopular, Boss? I know how that feels.
- Count Olaf: No, I was a rebel.
- Vice-Principal Nero: Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way.
- Carmelita Spats: The original owner really liked it.