The Good Place (TV Series)

Everything Is Great! (2017)

Ted Danson: Michael

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Quotes 

• Michael : Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like... like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

• Michael : What are you doing here? Why-why aren't you with Eleanor?

  Chris Baker : Oh, I told her I was going to the gym again.

  Michael : Why would you say that in the middle of a party?

  Chris Baker : You told me to.

  Michael : No, I didn't.

  Chris Baker : You said if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her. Like saying "I'm going to the gym." So that's what I've been saying.

  Michael : That was a suggestion of the *type* of thing you could say. Don't...

  [alarmed] 

  Michael : How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?

  Chris Baker : Five. No, nine.

  Michael : You dimwit!

  Chris Baker : Hey, man. I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I'd twist them until they snapped in half, and I'd move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else.

• Tahani Al-Jamil : I'm quite confused.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Let me explain, gorgeous. I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place. Michael is forking with us.

  Jason Mendoza : Like a prank show?

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Yeah! Like a prank show! Except, according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.

  Michael : What note?

• Michael : Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so. That was some quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed. And to be honest, I'm relieved. At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast. But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.

  Tahani Al-Jamil : Next time?

  Chidi Anagonye : What?

  Michael : Yeah.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : He's gonna do it again.

  [she crumples up the note and puts it in her mouth] 

  Michael : That's not gonna work this time, dummy.

• Michael : I know that this kind of large scale deception is not what you were trained to do. There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths and their stupid elbows. You're gonna be tempted to say 'Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ, and do this the old-fashioned way? Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?'. And sure... sure, that sounds nice, but it also sounds easy. We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you. So, 'torture' on three. Ready? One, two, three...

  [the group choruses 'Torture!'] 

  Chuck : And biting!

  Michael : Nope! No.

• Shawn : Is everything in place for version two?

  Michael : Yep! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable, adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate. For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.

  [laughs] 

  Michael : Diabolical.

  [Seeing Shawn's stoic expression] 

  Michael : Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course. You gotta trust me on this, boss. I've thought of everything. I won't let you down.

  Shawn : I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail. I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence, and burned on the surface of a billion suns. And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment will go down in history as colossal failures.

• Chidi Anagonye : So, making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.

  Michael : I know that, buddy. You-you once had a panic attack at a Make-Your-Own-Sundae bar.

  Chidi Anagonye : There were too many toppings and very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palette or a fruit palette. And if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.

• Michael : How's it going?

  Gayle : We're having some trouble with Eleanor. She's not engaging in conversation. She's not drinking.

  Michael : Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test. Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

• Luang : It's not that bad, right? I mean, we got a drunken speech. That's good.

  Michael : No. It isn't. Tahani gave the drunken speech instead of Eleanor. We can't build a chaos sequence out of Tahani's speech because she thinks she belongs here, ya ding-dong.

• Michael : Okay, we can still salvage this. Where's Eleanor?

  Angélique : She's gone. I can't find her anywhere.

  Bambadjan : Maybe she left with Chidi? He's gone, too.

  Michael : What?

  Luang : Or maybe she left with Jason.

  Michael : You lost Jason? How's that even possible? Your only job is to stand next to that idiot.

  Luang : I got distracted by the fire. I love fire. You know, my main job is to burn people with fire.

• Michael : In version one, making them soulmates, we probably bit off more than we could chew.

  Chuck : We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them.

  Michael : That's an expression, Chuck.