Swamp Ape

A modern masterpiece. A god send. A diamond in the rough. All these phrases aren't enough to describe this movie. It's on par with the majesty that was released 15 years ago "The Room". I can not recommend it enough. Geoff Ward is a genius with him being both the writer and director, and still managing to create this wonderful piece of art.

With a title like SWAMP APE, how could one NOT be entertained? Well, like this.

A group of college students accompany their professor into the Everglades. Along the way, they visit a souvenir shop in order to spout some of the most brain-deflating dialogue ever written. Thankfully, such banter never stops. Of course, such mindless chatter simply must be coupled with "acting" that can only be described as vastly non-scintillating.

Once they arrive in the actual swamplands, our first question is, "Where the hell is that ape, so he can start killing these people?!". Sadly, the beast is apparently busy elsewhere, perhaps in some other movie, allowing our human cast to further exceed their expiration dates.

After several more stretches of plotless nothingness, the title creature arrives. Limited madness ensues, including the incredible "swamp ape erectile dysfunction" sequence!

Whew!

At only 59 minutes in length, this movie seems eternal. Recommended for only the stoutest of sub-sludge cinema enthusiasts...

The acting? Laughable. The dialogue? Unbelievable The monster? Now I know what happened to that old carpet that I threw out onto the curb last year.

In the ratings there are a lot of 10's, fully 30% of them. Then the rest of the ratings seem to hover toward the bottom. Clearly what happened is that they got their friends to rate it highly.

We wanted a throw away movie for tonight, so thought we'd try it. It was one hour long, which tells you all you need to know.

Where to start (I mean after stealing my old carpet)? A bunch of college students go collecting something in the Everglades. They have no idea what they are doing, but one of them fills a stopper with water. The professor does nothing but berate them. We don't even know what he is a professor of.

The monster seems to prefer women who are having their periods, so there are a number of period "jokes." One of the actors, also the director and writer, runs around most of the movie showing off his buff physique in his whitey tighties, the resident Native American (who they call "chief" believe it or not) is so clearly from India or somewhere and not Native American, the gun is a toy, the black woman is supposed to be funny because she eats everything that doesn't move fast enough, and then they start disappearing (but not quickly enough).

It isn't even good in a campy-bad way. It's just bad in every way.

I hope these folks have day jobs.

Knowing from the beginning this wasn't gonna be a Oscar worthy movie, I was pleasantly surprised. Just the right amount of puns, quips, sarcasm and bad special effects makes for a fun viewing. Although I did want more gruesome death scenes. At just under an hour it gets to the story quick and doesn't pad it's run time with stock scenery footage or bad transitions/wipes. Will recommend to friends.

There has never been a film so engaging, entertaining and truly defining of pure cinema. I recommend to any film lover, especially of the horror genre. The graphic violence and sex was difficult to watch but did feel tasteful.

I will be awaiting this directors next vision.