- Ember: [Narrating] Really, what a planet. I calibrated everything for maximum entertainment. I decreed it be ruled by children of Earth, a glum little planet known for its plucky magicians. These brave souls would come, and when they got boring, off they went. Case in point, Martin Chatwin. Brave, clever boy, born hero, yet honestly, very uncomfortable to watch once he'd been molested. So, I made the difficult decision to kick him out and replace him with someone more punchy and fun.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: I don't want you to die.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Of course not. I'm the best lay of your life.
- Alice Quinn: Why did you bring me back?
- Quentin Coldwater: Why do you keep asking me that? I watched you almost die trying to bring your brother back. You loved him. I love you.
- Eliot Waugh: I don't pretend to understand what you've been through, but I can tell you the way you're relating to that couch is not unknown to me.
- Julia Wicker: Then you know I want to be alone.
- Eliot Waugh: And, um, also that you probably shouldn't be right now.
- Margo Hanson: I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.
- Eliot Waugh: I was actually thinking more like a fem bot Nick Fury.
- Ember: [Narrating] Hello, glorious audience. It is I, Ember, god of Fillory. Feel free to bow and grovel. I'll wait. I, with minor help from my brother Umber R.I.P., created a world intricate as filigree, and that is what I called it, except I was a bit drunk, so Fillory.
- Eliot Waugh: What's in my book?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You do your recon, find out Prince Ess of Loria has taken Whitespire.
- Eliot Waugh: Shit.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Then kidnap Idri, who I guess is a rat? Turn him back, then camp here trying to find the perfect spell to force Ember to keep his mitts off of Fillory.
- Eliot Waugh: But if my book ends, then-...
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Then exactly. We know that doesn't work, so you need to do anything else anything. Pick a plan and commit.
- Eliot Waugh: If it's written, isn't it *written*?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Yes, but I think you can change it.
- Eliot Waugh: Okay, so we can save Fillory if we subscribe to a "free will" view of the universe, which is fair.
- Nigel: I like you. You care about things.
- Quentin Coldwater: Yeah, it's not really a trait that's helped me much.
- Nigel: But it could be if it were applied to not trying to fix the unfixable, but rather something fresh and more perfect, like, say...
- [Gestures to his "Cuba" globe]
- Nigel: Care to take a visit? Make some notes?
- Quentin Coldwater: [stammers] I... uh... I...
- Nigel: I'm sorry, but you're acting like I'm asking you. Whereas I am a god and you are a hairless monkey. So nod and say thank you.
- [Quentin nods]
- Nigel: All right. Let's go to the pocket world formerly known as Cuba.
- Eliot Waugh: I was angry and scared of what you were capable of, but you were doing your best in an impossible position that would've crushed anyone, myself included.
- [pause]
- Eliot Waugh: Wait, is your good eye crying right now?
- Margo Hanson: No. Yes. And it's not my good eye, it's my only fucking eye.
- [Eliot chuckles a little]
- Margo Hanson: It's not funny, you dick, I'm a Cyclops!
- Eliot Waugh: A mythological monster at last. Box checked.
- Margo Hanson: We're trying too hard.
- Eliot Waugh: Pardon?
- Margo Hanson: To just blow past it and banter. It's not the same. Let's not pretend it is, okay? That makes it hurt worse.
- Eliot Waugh: I guess we'll just have to live with the strain till the future reveals itself. Meantime, that future is going to be a big, blank, post-apocalyptic nada unless we do what we do best.
- Margo Hanson: Act out with a total lack of empathy and impulse control?
- Eliot Waugh: Party like the world depends on it, 'cause Bambi One Eye, it do.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Reynard's gone. I should be happy, but it wasn't how I wanted it. It's not enough. God, I feel like bashing my head into a wall. Why can't anything just be fixed?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Life, I guess.
- Eliot Waugh: Come with me and help me try to convince Ember to let us keep Fillory.
- Julia Wicker: Why?
- Eliot Waugh: Because I have never met anyone less willing to take no for an answer.
- Julia Wicker: But I betrayed you, remember?
- Eliot Waugh: [Inhales deeply] That was a long time ago. I need help, and you do too. Let's kill a few birds. What do you say? Wanna put some pants on and help me save all of magic?
- The Librarian: Penny, you're needed at once.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I'm busy.
- The Librarian: Bit of an emergency. We need our full staff.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Are you crazy? He's dying.
- The Librarian: Yes, because he went into a restricted area, which lethally poisoned him and puts him on strict probation, but most assuredly does not mean he's excused from work.
- Nigel: How's the linguini?
- Quentin Coldwater: There's nothing wrong with it.
- Nigel: [Writing] Excellent. That's excellent.
- Quentin Coldwater: [Clears throat] It's maybe a little, uh-...
- Nigel: Chewy?
- Quentin Coldwater: Bland.
- Nigel: Bland good, or...?
- Quentin Coldwater: Bland is never really good or bad.
- Nigel: It appeals to all tastes.
- Quentin Coldwater: Sure, but usually people, uh creatures who can think, gods even sometimes like the unknown, the unexpected, even the offensive. Little bit of, uh...
- [Trails off]
- Nigel: Chaos.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: I need your help... I'm not gonna beg. I'm not gonna use guilt, I have no leverage. But Penny's in the Library. He can be your mole. But to do that, he'd have to be alive.
- Harriet: [Signing] He'd never help us.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: He'd never know. Whatever you need, ask me about it. He tells me, I tell you.
- Harriet: That'd make you kind of a shitty girlfriend.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Who saved her man's life, so maybe not.
- Alice Quinn: When I was a-a niffin, I saw things. I saw everything from the beginning of time.
- Quentin Coldwater: Calm down
- Alice Quinn: No, I understand the way the universe works, Q, the Wellspring, the hierarchies, the plumbing. I was inside it. Gods like Ember have parents, you idiot!
- Quentin Coldwater: I'm not following.
- Alice Quinn: The old gods, the creators of the universe, of all magic itself. To Ember, we're like we're like toys, but to them we're we're cells. When we're harmless they ignore us, but when we become malignant, they amputate.
- Josh Hoberman: I was online last night-...
- Dean Fogg: The answer is no. There is no actual evidence of a magical surge in Sedona, Arizona.
- Josh Hoberman: Yeah, but what about in-...
- Dean Fogg: Or Kenya, or Machu Picchu, or China or anywhere. Magic is gone. The best we can do is accept that, and continue our theoretical studies, to stay ready for its return.
- Alice Quinn: So you think that's possible?
- Dean Fogg: Anything is possible, Alice.
- Quentin Coldwater: [Quietly] Was, anyway.
- Margo Hanson: Democracy has to take a backseat. Without magic, the people are terrified, and that is just one step from an angry mob.
- Eliot Waugh: And that's how royal heads end up in baskets. I get it. I get it.
- Margo Hanson: This is an undereducated, pre-industrial populous, Eliot. They need to be ruled.
- Eliot Waugh: They *need* to be inspired.
- Margo Hanson: They need to *think* they're being inspired as they're being ruled.
- Ember: [Narrating] Wasn't it tragic when Alice died? Wasn't it scary when she became a niffin? The personal nature of her story subverted Quentin's hero's journey nicely.
- Margo Hanson: Fen? Are you okay? Sweetie, do you know where you are?
- Josh Hoberman: A plane laid atop our own, so the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy the same space and time, but two dimensions. Or possibly the same dimension, but incredibly sped up like that one episode of "Star Trek".
- Fairy Queen: Ember is dangerously bored of Fillory. You underestimated how devastating it can be to displease a god.
- Margo Hanson: We've been trying to get ahold of Ember for months. He ignores us.
- Fairy Queen: Because you ask for things. Offer something to him instead.
- Eliot Waugh: Fillory needs you. You chose to be a king. This is what that means. We have a plan, but... we need someone who speaks fluent fanboy.
- Eliot Waugh: We've fallen down on the job, but boredom is death. I totally agree.
- Ember: Ugh, isn't it though?
- Eliot Waugh: It is. But we can make Fillory more exciting and and watchable than ever. That's our pitch. It's a new chapter and the title is "Shit Tons of Drama and Surprise".
- Margo Hanson: Think back to what you built with your brother Umber.
- Ember: My brother, rest his soul, was nothing but a simpering, sniping, anal retentive critic, as well as a - -
- [Cut to Umber]
- Nigel: Greedy, promiscuous, selfish, credit-hogging, mouse-eating slob!
- Julia Wicker: Come and get me, you fucking baby!
- [Picks up sword]
- Julia Wicker: You want to know why you're so bored? Because you're too stupid to get it. You're too spoiled and entitled to understand-...
- Ember: How dare you? I am a god!
- Julia Wicker: Are you? Really? I'm not impressed. I've met scary gods, and you? You're nothing but a petty tyrant.
- Eliot Waugh: We are officially a land of godless heathens, making today the first day of our societal adulthood. I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited. And trying not to break into "Hamilton". And so, I turn over the next phase of our maturation to our High Queen Margo.
- Margo Hanson: We need a constitution.
- Gillen: Pardon?
- Margo Hanson: [Hands the counsel scrolls of paper] These are some pretty good ones here, so let's rip off the best parts.
- Friar Joseph: As a niffin, you made enemies. I'm here to warn you that one of them seeks you.
- Alice Quinn: Who?
- Friar Joseph: The Lamprey. You do recall what you did to his family?
- Alice Quinn: [Solemn] Yes.
- Friar Joseph: Most amusing at the time, but to The Lamprey, cause for vengeance. It knows you're weak. It knows you're here.
- Margo Hanson: I'm talking curfew, martial law, conscription, and severe and public punishment.
- Eliot Waugh: Okay. Can we maybe make our way to King and Queen Caligula, please?
- Eliot Waugh: Wait, what about a human sacrifice?
- Margo Hanson: No.
- [pause]
- Margo Hanson: Unless the cakes are bad.
- Alice Quinn: So it is true. Magic's gone everywhere.
- Friar Joseph: The creatures, cryptids, sylphs, dragons, unicorns, even the pointless vampires are all as they were. But those of us who drew on the power of the Wellspring, well, as you can see.