Jim Gaffigan: Cinco (2017 TV Special)

Jim Gaffigan: Self

Quotes 

• Jim Gaffigan : I can't ask a distance when I'm in another country. I'm like, "How far is that?" They're like, "That's 500 kilometers." I'm not in the Olympics! This isn't a James Bond film; what's it in normal speak?

• Jim Gaffigan : [about his trying to lose weight]  I gave up a long time ago. Now it's like it's happening to someone else: "I don't know, someone should do something. I feel like I'm watching a forest fire. I hope they can contain it. Change the channel."

• Jim Gaffigan : We used to go to the fair to see the biggest pig in the county; now we go to the fair to *be* the biggest pig in the county.

• Jim Gaffigan : I travel a lot. I'm constantly going through security, always behind that person that's never left their house before. They always want to ask me questions, like "Can I bring soup on the plane? It's homemade soup." I'm like "Uh, you should ask them." "For an I.D., can I use a fishing license?" "Uh, you should..." "Should I take off my shoes *and* my pants?" "Yes, you should."

• Jim Gaffigan : Hiking, not today or ever. I wouldn't hike to escape the Nazis. Like, if I was in that movie "Sound of Music", and they're like "To avoid the Nazis, head over those mountains," I would've been, "Mountains? Isn't there a basement I can hide in?" I mean, like, a finished basement, you know? One with like a keg and an NFL season pass, you know what I'm talking about?

• Jim Gaffigan : [about him being fat]  I've caught myself unconsciously covering my stomach with my arm. That's a total fat guy move.

  [covers his stomach with his arm] 

  Jim Gaffigan : Now I'm thin! Can't see my belly.

• Jim Gaffigan : [on trying to hide his fatness by trying to cover his stomach with his arm]  Maybe I hope people will look at me and think, "Is he holding a baby? Oh, he's thin and nurturing. What a fella!"

• Jim Gaffigan : A belt for a fat guy serves a different purpose. A thin person wears a belt to hold up their pants. These pants aren't going anywhere. A fat guy just wears a belt as a distraction, distracting from the fact that...

  [feels his stomach and his pants] 

  Jim Gaffigan : ... this is all the same surface. It's just a mini-equator, separating the Northern Hemisphere from the Southern Blob.

• Jim Gaffigan : Santa's belt is like a conveyor belt. It's not even holding up his pants, it's keeping his jacket closed. And we're leaving cookies out for that slob?

• Jim Gaffigan : My three-year-old didn't get me a birthday present this year. And I've known him for a couple of years. So I'm not talking to him.

• Jim Gaffigan : People that love fall, they go crazy for the foliage: "The foliage! Let's drive by the foliage. It's so beautiful the way the leaves die. They're so pretty right before they fall to their death." We think it's beautiful. It's the leaves' hospice. It also helps that the leaves can't talk. If they could talk, they'd be like, "Aaaahhhhh! Get me chlorophyll! Why are these people driving by and smiling at me? You monsters!" We're rather insensitive to the leaves' tragedy. They die, they fall to the ground, we just rake them up. "Kids, you want to jump on this pile of dead leaves? No? All right, I'll just light them on fire."