- [first lines]
- Michael: [opening the door to his office] Eleanor? Come on in.
- [sitting down behind his desk]
- Michael: Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
- Michael: Right. So, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Cool. Cool.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You're a nice person, Chidi... Anaconda.
- Chidi Anagonye: Anagonye.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Agano... comonga.
- Chidi Anagonye: Anagonye.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Ags... say it again.
- Chidi Anagonye: Anagonye.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, say what you said before.
- Chidi Anagonye: I did. It's Anagonye.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You just changed it.
- Chidi Anagonye: I didn't change it. It's my name.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Agru... grande. Ariana Grande.
- [gasps]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That's a person. I did it!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, then this system sucks. What, one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured for eternity? Come on! I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
- Chidi Anagonye: Help me out here. Tell me one good thing that you did on Earth, just one truly kind and decent act so that I can feel better about helping you out.
- [Eleanor ponders]
- Chidi Anagonye: Let's forget about good. Um, just tell me something neutral about yourself.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You must have told a few white lies in your life. I mean, what was your job?
- Chidi Anagonye: I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Motherforker!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
- Chidi Anagonye: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That's bullshirt.
- Chidi Anagonye: So your job was to defraud the elderly? Sorry - the sick and elderly?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: But I was very good at it. I was the top salesperson five years running.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay, but that's worse. I mean, you - you do get how that's worse?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That Tahani is a real butthead, huh?
- [gasps]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Hey! At least I can still say "butthead."
Contribuisci a questa pagina
Suggerisci una modifica o aggiungi i contenuti mancanti
