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- [after Deadpool realizes Cable traveled back in time to save him]
- Deadpool: You time-sliding son of a bitch. You did this for me? Wait, you can't go back. You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and your wife?
- Cable: No, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. No, I'm gonna stick around for a while and make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
- Deadpool: No, you did it for me.
- Cable: No, I didn't.
- Deadpool: You did.
- Cable: No, I didn't.
- Deadpool: Pretty sure you did.
- Cable: No, I'm positive I didn't.
- Deadpool: Fine. Alright, let's flip a coin, okay? Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.
- [flips coin]
- Deadpool: I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.
- Cable: Say it again.
- Deadpool: You did it for me.
- Cable: Jesus.
- Cable: I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.
- Wade Wilson: [looks at the camera] Well... that's just lazy writing.
- Wade Wilson: With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow and I'm basically Hawkeye.
- Weasel: And last but not least... Peter.
- Deadpool: Any power you wanna tell us about?
- Peter: I don't... I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad.
- Deadpool: No superpowers at all?
- Peter: Uh, I have both type 1 and 2 diabetes.
- Deadpool: Ow! Oh!
- Weasel: That's all the diabetes.
- Deadpool: Right. Yeah, you got them all. If you find a type 3, let us know. Yeah. You're in.
- Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader.
- [Wade throws the spreader into the gunman's head, killing him]
- Wade Wilson: [turns on time-travel device] I'll be right back. We're definitely naming our kid Cher!
- Cable: Dubstep's for pussies!
- Wade Wilson: You're so dark. Are you sure you're not from the DC universe?
- Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes it's so bad we feel like we're dying, but we can't really live until we die a little, can we?
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: We're X-Men.
- Deadpool: No, you're X-People.
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You're X-hausting.
- Deadpool: I see what you did there. Puns.
- Deadpool: So, what exactly do you do in the future, anyway, huh? Some kind of soldier?
- Cable: Yeah, something like that.
- Deadpool: I was a soldier. Special Forces. I bet fifty years from now we'll be bestest buddies.
- Cable: Fifty years from now you'll be very dead. Your entire generation will fuck this planet into a coma.
- Deadpool: Boom!
- [makes exploding sound]
- Deadpool: Spoiler alert. Ha ha! Ah, planets.
- Domino: [whispers to herself] Next time Uber.
- Cable: Here's a spoiler alert. You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.
- Deadpool: Well, I got news for you, my heart is in the right place. Russell's not gonna kill anyone. Because of me, he's gonna know what real love is.
- Cable: Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.
- Deadpool: I'm a grower, not a shower.
- Domino: I should've finished college.
- Cable: You remind me of my wife.
- Wade Wilson: I'm sorry?
- Cable: I said you remind me...
- Wade Wilson: No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.
- Wade Wilson: Is it just me or does Do You Wanna Build a Snowman from Frozen sound suspiciously like Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl.
- [singing]
- Wade Wilson: Papa, can you hear me?
- [normal voice]
- Wade Wilson: And nobody fucking realizes it.
- [last lines]
- Ryan Reynolds: [to himself, holding the Green Lantern script] You're in the big leagues now, kid!
- [blood splatters on the script and cuts to Reynolds' face with a gunshot wound in the forehead, he drops revealing Deadpool behind him with a gun]
- Deadpool: [to the camera] You're welcome, Canada.
- Domino: They're headed into the tunnel.
- Deadpool: I'm that kid's only hope, so sit tight and wait for my word.
- Domino: Whatever. We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.
- Deadpool: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked!
- Deadpool: No, we are most certainly not fucked.
- Deadpool: Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
- [after Deadpool realizes Cable traveled back in time to save him]
- Deadpool: You time-sliding son of a bitch. You did this for me? Wait, you can't go back. You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and your wife?
- Cable: No, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. No, I'm gonna stick around for a while and make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
- Deadpool: No, you did it for me.
- Cable: No, I didn't.
- Deadpool: You did.
- Cable: No, I didn't.
- Deadpool: Pretty sure you did.
- Cable: No, I'm positive I didn't.
- Deadpool: Fine. Alright, let's flip a coin, okay? Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.
- [flips coin]
- Deadpool: I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.
- Cable: Say it again.
- Deadpool: You did it for me.
- Cable: Jesus.
- Deadpool: I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every big family film starts... with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
- Wade Wilson: Isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father? And have consensual sex with their sister?
- Vanessa: I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.
- Wade Wilson: No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.
- Vanessa: Baby, that's Empire.
- Deadpool: He's teamed up with the Juggernaut. The Juggernaut! That's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever, but you should never meet your heroes, because honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock, and causes nothing but problems!
- Peter: [putting lotion on face] I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee you he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.
- [from trailer]
- Cable: I was born into war, bred into it. People think they understand pain, but they have no concept of it. What's the most pain you've ever felt? Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man.
- Deadpool: [halts trailer] Wait, no, STOP! What in the actual ass? Dale! Why, why are the visual effects not done? It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache! Oh fuck it, I'll do it myself...
- [talking about Deadpool 2]
- Wade Wilson: It lives up to the hype, *plus plus.*
- Weasel: Fuck it. They probably won't even make a 3.
- Wade Wilson: Yeah, why would they? Stop at 2, ya killed it!
- [they both laugh]
- Wade Wilson: George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! He's dead, too. At least we still have Bowie.
- Weasel: Yeah, we still...
- [looks over at Dopinder, he nods and winks at him]
- Weasel: ... have Bowie.
- Deadpool: What do you get when you take 8-feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow of stage 4 cancer? Answer: A family. See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. If there's anything you take away today - other than the need to google "what the fuck is dubstep" - it's that we all need to belong to someone.
- Deadpool: I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.
- Cable: No.
- Deadpool: [gets closer to Cable] Yes. Here we go. Bring it in.
- [hugging Cable]
- Deadpool: Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go tip to tip. There we go, the kids call this docking.
- [hears a knife open]
- Deadpool: Is there a knife in my dick?
- Cable: There's a knife in your dick, yeah.
- [In Wade's dream]
- Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
- Wade Wilson: Well, come here.
- [They share a long, passionate kiss]
- Wade Wilson: Don't fuck Elvis.
- Vanessa: Don't fuck Colossus.
- Wade Wilson: Wait, what?
- [Wade gets pulled back to the real world]
- [Weapon XI appears in front of Wolverine]
- Wolverine: Wade, is that you?
- [pause]
- Wolverine: I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.
- [as Wolverine extends his claws, Weapon XI is suddenly shot in the head by Deadpool]
- Deadpool: Hey, it's me! Don't scratch! Just cleaning up the timelines! Look, eventually, you're going to hang up the claws, and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad.
- Wolverine: Huh?
- Deadpool: But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again.
- [shoots Weapon XI again twice]
- Deadpool: And when he does, say yes.
- [continues to shoot Weapon XI]
- Wolverine: Oh, right.
- [Deadpool waves at Wolverine while shooting Weapon XI and walking away]
- Deadpool: [whispers] I love you.
- Firefist: [in their cell] Tomorrow, we find the biggest guy in here... and we'll make him our bi...
- [hears loud noise]
- Firefist: What was that?
- Wade Wilson: That is the biggest guy in here. Fun fact about the Ice Box, no one's ever seen it, they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to a
- [looks at the camera]
- Wade Wilson: huge, steaming ball of foreshadowing.
- [after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]
- Weasel: Why wouldn't you cover that up?
- Wade Wilson: A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
- Weasel: Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style?
- Wade Wilson: Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
- Blind Al: The hell's happening? Describe it.
- Wade Wilson: I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.
- Weasel: It's like, um...
- Wade Wilson: Here we go.
- Weasel: It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done."
- Wade Wilson: [to Blind Al] Happy?
- Weasel: It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a...
- [Dopinder comes in]
- Dopinder: AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.
- Weasel: This has happened before?
- [Dopinder starts gagging]
- Weasel: Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.
- Blind Al: Why couldn't God take my hearing?
- [Deadpool / Wade Wilson says his goodbyes to all those around him, and while "dying"]
- Wade Wilson: I hope the Academy is watching.
- Dopinder: I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool sir.
- Deadpool: Dopinder, you never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home, a place...
- Dopinder: I want to become a contract killer.
- Deadpool: I'm sorry, what did you say?
- Dopinder: Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?
- Deadpool: Yeah, you kinda killed him.
- Dopinder: And remember the movie "Interview with the Vampire?"
- Deadpool: Don't want to.
- Dopinder: When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. And she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
- Deadpool: ...I'll never *not* picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.
- Blind Al: Sweetheart, can you speak up? It's a little hard to hear you with that pity-dick in your mouth.