- Pam Buckley: Boys! New decorations came in at Smithee's, so I'm running over there to get some before they run out.
- Matthew Buckley: Gee, Mom, how many more do you need?
- Pam Buckley: [laughs] That's a good one, honey.
- Adult Matthew: For a moment I thought I detected a whiff of fear in Simon's voice. It was an octave higher than usual. Puberty had so far eluded Simon. It was his Achilles heel.
- Pam Buckley: Ew! Stop that, Farding!
- [the boys all snicker]
- Adult Matthew: F-A-R-*D*... I-N-G. Farding.
- Pam Buckley: [exasperated and sarcastic] Mm-hm. It's funny every time.
- Adult Matthew: The naming of our dog was brilliant, a serendipitous gift that kept on giving every single day.
- Juniper Goodman: What are you doing?
- Simon Buckley: Gathering soil sample?
- Adult Matthew: How do I keep losing to this guy?
- Allen Goodman: Hi. I'm Allen Goodman. Nice chicken. I used to raise dorkens when I was little.
- Adult Matthew: Dorken? What's a dorken?
- Allen Goodman: You look like you could use a friend.
- Adult Matthew: Ohh, THAT'S a dorken.
- Simon Buckley: [spotting Juniper in line for the tub] Let's go bob for apples.
- John Buckley: But you promised Mom.
- Simon Buckley: I'll hold your feet.
- Ralph Buckley: [finding Matthew in Time Out] So, uh, what'd you do this time?
- Matthew Buckley: I don't remember.
- Ralph Buckley: That's a good answer. Got a future in politics, I think.
- Pam Buckley, Ralph Buckley, Simon Buckley, Matthew Buckley, Peter Buckley, John Buckley: [the family pledge] We do hereby promise to perform our elving duties with honor ands bravery. We will NEVER divulge our identities to the people we elve no matter what mayhem or bedlam might be inflicted upon us. This is our solemn pledge.
- Ralph Buckley: Here ya go, Simon. Go ahead.
- John Buckley: Simon ALWAYS gets to go first.
- Ralph Buckley: Well, it's because I love Simon more.
- [Pam laughs]
- Ralph Buckley: Plus he's the oldest. We just start in order, okay?
- [Matthew's outing with Juniper goes well until the dog misbehaves]
- Matthew Buckley: Stop, Farding!
- Juniper Goodman: I didn't. I mean...
- Matthew Buckley: No. The dog. Her name... ih... it's Farding.
- Juniper Goodman: Farding? Why?
- Matthew Buckley: Well, our mom wears a lot of pink blush and, well, another word for blush is fard, and we thought it was funny, so... We're just stupid boys.
- Adult Matthew: The Hagbarts' trees were not like the ones at Jay's lot. Jay's trees were tall and strong-looking. These trees were straggly and ugly - just like the Hagbarts.
- Adult Matthew: You never elve two nights in a row. That way they don't know when you're coming, but I gotta admit... I wasn't into it.
- Adult Matthew: That was my first talk that was man-to-man with my dad. He's been my best friend ever since.
- Matthew Buckley: Why are you crying?
- Pam Buckley: I'm okay, honey. I... I'm just... nine months pregnant.
- Adult Matthew: [looking at a manger scene] I mean, come on, how do you love your enemy if they won't stop hurting you?
- Matthew Buckley: Did I make the bus late?
- Earl: Nah. I think some people are worth bein' late for. Let's go.
- Ralph Buckley: [as the family gets out of their car at night to leave anonymous "elving" gifts] All right, boys. He who falls behind gets left behind.
- Pam Buckley: [the mom] Yep!
- Ralph Buckley: Including women.
- Pam Buckley: Ralph!
- Ralph Buckley: Shhh!