Quotes

Friends in Low Places

[singing to a puppet]
Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: I've been stealin' dem other ladies' pies/And, oh, that was a bust/'Cause them other ladies been fakin' when they bakin'/Usin' that store-bought crust/But Judy's pies is oh so tasty/And I never get my fill/So blame it on the pies/If you see me climbin' on your windowsill.

Nicky Nichols: You know, it's... it's not cheating if you're in different zip codes, right? And, uh, there's no dick, so that's a freebie.

Poussey Washington: Have it occurred to you that it's racist to assume that black people are gonna beat you up for being racist?

Marisol 'Flaca' Gonzales: You all hear there's a time machine in laundry?
Ouija: Oh, yeah, and there's a fountain of youth in the ghetto toilet.
Zirconia Cabrera: You know, if that shit was true, I'd go back and see my dead Mom and tell her not to date the guy that killed her.
Marisol 'Flaca' Gonzales: I'd go back and not end up in this fucking place.
Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Y'all ever think about, like, going back and killing Hitler?
Stephanie Hapakuka: Or maybe I'd go back and raise Hiter right. You know, give him lots of love and encourage his artistic side; try to be a good Mom figure to him. Maybe he'd have less anger issues.
Brandy Epps: I'd go back and tell him to seize the Suez Canal early on. That'd secure most of the Meditteranean, giving the Third Reich easy access to oil.

Piper Chapman: Do you know it's a boy?
Cal Chapman: I don't. Not yet. But I'm willing it to be a boy because women are terrifying.

Piper Chapman: What the fuck are you doing?
Nicky Nichols: It's a weekly meeting, okay, for the morally morose and successfully challenged. So we're just going back and forth and uh talking about the truly dreadful, horrible shit that we have to slog through on a daily basis, you know.
Alex Vause: And we're smoking crack.
Nicky Nichols: Oh, yeah, that too.

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Do you know how complicated phones have gotten since we've been inside?
Alison Abdullah: As complicated as finding chargers for them.

Judy King: Shut up, you P.C. hippie hypocrite. I would wager that your last address before you came here wasn't exactly in the inner city.
Yoga Jones: At least I didn't talk to puppets that use the word "jiggaboo."

Nicky Nichols: While not my first choice, crack in small amounts is actually good for you. It's gotten a bad rap over the years.

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