Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers (2015 TV Special)

Anthony Jeselnik: Self

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Quotes 

• Anthony Jeselnik : I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman. Like a supermodel. I walked up, I was like, "Hey, where are you from? What do you do?" She goes, "Oh, me? I live here in San Fransico. I'm a brain surgeon." And I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was like really impressed. You know? I mean, most women can't pull off sarcasm.

• Anthony Jeselnik : Who was it who said the first million is the hardest? Was it Hitler?

• Anthony Jeselnik : I went online, fifteen child molesters. Fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment. So, why do we always have to meet at my place?

• Anthony Jeselnik : There's a lot of bad jobs out there, I'll tell you that right now. Lot of bad jobs. Hell, my Uncle John runs a summer camp for kids about to get molested. I know, right? I know, it sounds awful. Sounds awful, but he loves it. Says he's never worked a day in his life.

• Anthony Jeselnik : My neighbors in LA have got this smokin' hot 18-year-old daughter. I mean, she's perfect. But she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest, which is horrible. I mean, doesn't she understand how dumb that's gonna look some day, all stretched out over my lamp?

• Anthony Jeselnik : Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations... of how easy it's gonna be to tear off a head.