- Constable Henry Higgins: You can have Hendrickson; he lives almost ten miles out of town
- Constable George Crabtree: Oh, I'm aware of that.
- Constable Henry Higgins: Then why would you volunteer?
- Constable George Crabtree: Because he lives right next to Mrs. Hempshire's Finishing School.
- Constable Henry Higgins: Mary Lawrence went there.
- Constable George Crabtree: Did she?
- Constable Henry Higgins: For a time. She left; she said the women there were of easy virtue.
- Constable George Crabtree: Oh, indeed? And if I recall correctly, today's laundry day. I remember once Jackson and I had to reprimand a couple of them for wandering around in their unmentionables.
- Constable Henry Higgins: Did you?
- Constable George Crabtree: Yes, and they were from France. The, the unmentionables, Parisian undergarments.
- Constable Henry Higgins: Well, allow me to save you the trip.
- Constable George Crabtree: Hmh?
- Constable Henry Higgins: I could use a brisk bicycle ride.
- [Higgins leaves]
- Mark Twain: It's a shame... you don't have a fence that needs paintin'.
- Constable George Crabtree: That was last summer, sir.
- Mark Twain: Given my points of view, it's somewhat of a surprise that, uh, someone hasn't shot at me before.
- [last lines]
- Mark Twain: Constable Crabtree, you strike me as a man with a nimble mind.
- Constable George Crabtree: Well, thank you, sir.
- Mark Twain: [holding book 'The Curse of the Pharoah'] This work of yours shows some, some promise.
- Constable George Crabtree: You read it?
- Mark Twain: I started it. Got any more in you?
- Constable George Crabtree: I don't know; I haven't much felt like writing lately.
- Mark Twain: Ohhh, spent some time in the penitentiary, lost a, a fiancée.
- Constable George Crabtree: Indeed.
- Mark Twain: Take it from me, son, reality can be beaten with enough imagination. Go to it.
- Constable George Crabtree: Thank you, Mr. Twain.
- [Twain has just been shot at, shattering a carafe of whiskey]
- Detective William Murdoch: Mr. Twain, are you all right?
- Mark Twain: I believe I'll need another drink.
- [first lines]
- Clarence Eldridge: I bagged that one in darkest Africa.
- Inspector Thomas Brackenreid: Handsome beast. Ferocious, I'd wager.
- Margaret Brackenreid: Africa? I thought tigers were native to India.
- Clarence Eldridge: You could be right, my dear. Africa, India, it's terribly hard to tell them apart.
- Dr. Julia Ogden: Look at Margaret. She looks like the cat who ate the canary.
- Detective William Murdoch: Well, it's not everyone who gets asked to be a member of the Empire Club.
- Dr. Julia Ogden: Why would the Inspector want to associate with them?
- Detective William Murdoch: Perhaps it's to keep the canary eater happy.