- Haley Dunphy: [Texting Luke's ex-girlfriend] This crazy bitch just messed with the wrong crazy bitch.
- Cameron Tucker: [about hanging a sign for Sal's baby shower] Okay, alright, is this straight?
- Pepper Saltzman: You're throwing a baby shower with a dozen men in tailored pants sipping Bellinis. Nothing about this is... Ugh, I can't even finish.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really? The last word was too much?
- Cameron Tucker: Maybe this is part of a bigger plan. You know, maybe the reason we didn't adopt another baby after Lily was because God wanted us available for Sammy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Who is this God that denies us a baby, then gets a party girl pregnant, only to have her desert the baby so that we can finally get one?
- Cameron Tucker: The same God that impregnated a virgin, sent Moses down the river in a basket, and commanded Abraham to stab his own son! God only does weird baby stuff!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He's faking it. He's pretending to be sick so he doesn't have to go to his cooking class.
- Jay Pritchett: He has to go. Today's lasagna! I've been starving myself all day for that!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He doesn't want to go because there's a boy there that is picking on him.
- Jay Pritchett: Cooking class? You know, we're running out of places to send him where he can be cool.
- Manny Delgado: Mom, do I have a fever?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, let me check.
- [Kisses his forehead]
- Jay Pritchett: You know, we have a thermometer.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Do you have to be so white all the time?